I’ve Had My Fill, or, All Things Go / All Things Grow

I have so many things in my head and none of them seem right. I’ve been emotional lately; crying at things that I would normally never look at again. It’s all been in movies though. I know what it feels like it to feel purposeless and alone. I have dreams that at times I would throw out the window or burn because of how hard and unlikely they all seem.
I think I’ve cried at everything I’ve wanted to hear myself - everything that I don’t.
At times I feel the complete opposite, perhaps, unworthy, but not worthless.
It would be nice if things came easily and answers to life, the paths to take, were right in front of you. If the happiest options were laid out to see, how wonderful that’d be. The fact that I could make a decision now and be unhappy for years, unsatisfied, or not at my potential…scares everything out of me.

The banjo of Sufjan Stevens has been inspiring. Actually everything of his has.
I wish I knew what was best for me and whoever walks this world with me. I just don’t feel like I do at all.
Stepping out blind is nerve racking. It’s even worse if it’s hazy because what you think is one thing may be completely different.

In Response To Your Monday.

today, for the second time this year, my world moved. but as where last time was a step to the left, this was a step to the right.
i feel like i'm in a space between spaces. i'm the line between the lines that i'm trying to read. i'm not quite sure what i'm doing. i hope it's good.
i'm glad my head's on straight though. i've noticed there are a lot of non-headed people in my wake. and i can only wonder if perhaps they'd still have their's if i'd not left their side.
i ate a cookie too; it didn't fill the void that came today.

so i've taken some pictures. a few last ones before i left NC. that was such an odd thing. it didn't even feel like leaving. i don't think it's hit me yet that i'm not going back in a week. the pile of possessions in my room should be a good indicator.
hark, the sound of unpacking joined w/ that of nico.

i think listening to your soul is something to try.

What is Snow?, or, Where to Go?

what is up w/ this weather? i'm wearing t-shirts in december w/o a coat. North Carolina is crazy.

it's hard to believe that this is my last weekend in sanford. it seems like it was so long ago that i moved it.
i have one more final and then i'm done, i'm so relieved.
i'm still unsure of what to do when i get back home. i've already agreed to being joseph in a thing for Horizons next sunday. i am excited to work w/ the youth again. i've missed playing guitar for them and i feel like i'm really willing to give it more this time around.
school is another thing. i've been giving an opportunity to do something and i'm really considering it. i'm not sure though. getting started in school is really important right now. i guess we'll see what i do.
i've fallen in love w/ sufjan stevens. i never quite gave him a chance until i heard the song about Decatur.
i guess i am pretty unsure of myself right now. exactly what i'll ever end up doing. sara and i are wondering about what's coming up in our lives and what it'll mean for the two of us. it's a challenge we've not yet faced.

in time we'll find it.

The Buzzing Won’t Stop!

Written Friday, December 1st.

I’m in this unhealthy addiction to 60’s rock music, The Beatles & Simon and Garfunkel mostly.
I also have this incessant buzz emanating from my stove area. It starts as a “once in a while thing”; it’s now a “never ending thing.”

All of these songs I’ve heard have further inspired me to work on the story I’ve come up w/. its a sort of autobiographical thing based on my life right now. But its more exaggeration of what could happen – not what has happened. I like the idea a lot. Oh, and I’ve come up w/ some good music for the next installments of “Ladderboy”; that’s right: he’s coming back…I guess.
I wrote a song. I’m excited to have a chance to record back in WV w/ joe and adam again. I’ve been missing that part of my life a lot.

I have this paper to do on Censorship in the Music Industry. I’m torn as to what side to go with. I believe it’s the conservative Christian in me that says music should be rated like films. Music has the same stuff in it that would get a movie an R rating. Children shouldn’t be exposed to the stuff in music that compares to what they aren’t allowed to see in movies.
i also don’t think any art should be censored – covered up or refused exposure. But we should watch what audience is exposed to it. we have the right of free speech. So whether it’s marilyn manson or Michael w. smith – they have the right to put out what they want to.
Now if only I can write 4 pages on that topic…by Monday.

A Trip Down Some Lane.

i've sat and tried to write a post a few times this week. everytime i do, i get bored and blocked and cannot.
it's been a week of driving, oh has it. i'm settled for a day now, then it's eight more hours.
what has this set of car trips taught me? hmmm. i've seen that music is more to me than most people. it seems that way.
actually, i feel the same about movies. i've just realized that. see, the music thing has been floating for a few days now.
i feel like i take something away from it no matter what it is. that's not true. i refuse to be handed anything by rap.
today's been pretty rough. i've been on edge w/ a lot of things. i've felt very belittled. i'm a pushover of sorts.
i like watching things pass by.

i don't feel like typing now. there comes my apathy. or maybe it's indecision in masses. i'm so indecisive that i quit.

i'll leave you w/ this tid-bit:
order the shin's new EP by clicking the title!

The Irony's Laying Thick.

so right now, i'm sitting in a dark church parking lot using internet that i'm not paying for. i don't even know where it's coming from. it's 11:41 and i've been sitting here talking to good ol' joe barnosky, listening to a.c. newman & rocky votolato, and catching up on my emailing.

i dropped my math class; you have no idea how good that feels.
it's quite ironic that once i'm about to leave sanford, i start to feel myself settling in. i'm seeing this people that i spend time w/ as friends. they're not my best friends. we have a lot of differences, but they like me and i like them. they are sincere.

i think i see that clarksburg is my photography muse and sanford is my music muse. i haven't taken any pictures since i've been here (in contrast to what i take back home); the opposite is true w/ my songwriting. i don't find this area to be visually appealing i suppose. and all of my alone time has caused my to mind wander.

lately i've been addicted to a nintendo game titled "Pikmin". it's sad, and childish...i love it. you play a spaceman that's crashlanded on this planet and you have to use these creatures you find, called pikmin, to do stuff. there are different colors and the different colors do different things. when they die, it is sad.

i read an old interview/review of Starflyer 59 and their 2003 release, Old. it was enjoyable, i will leave you link in case you care to endulge yourself.

it's getting colder and the moon is higher. i believe it's time for me to roll on out and head back to my one room everything.

Who Needs Fire?

How I crave a warm fire to crawl up next to and lay like a snake. Instead, my space heater and a cup of hot tea will have to do. Sure it’s 1:30 in the AM, but I do get an extra hour tonight. So I will waste it away as if it didn’t even exist.
I write now, listening to jenny Lewis, feelings I’ve been trying to scribe out for weeks now. I’ve actually had this yearning to write, but haven’t been able to sit and spill. I have an idea for a story I want to write. It’s kind of my life right now; w/ some exaggerated details and predictions that probably won’t happen. It’d be nice if I could channel that writing creativity into my paper that’s due Monday. Oh well. Stress is the best motivator.

So much seems to be happening. I feel like I really know what I want to do; of course it requires me to leave Sara and return north. Middle Tennessee State University has a program in Music Production. Sadly, only four classes from CCCC (my current school) transfer to MTSU. So, I’m going home for a semester to take classes @ Fairmont that will transfer down. And pray to God that I’ll get into MTSU.
For once what I want doesn’t seem so far fetched. I’ve wondered if dreams ever do damage to life ever since I heard nada surf’s “in the mirror”. Pipe dreams are wonderful, but if that’s all you have going for you then maybe it’s time to put down the pipe. It’s like someone saw me putting down the pipe and said, “What are you doing? That’s crazy – don’t stop dreaming.”
Dreams are what we’re made of. Sara always has these crazy dreams that never make sense. I like hearing her dreams. Especially when they’re about me.

It’s sad to think that there are people who don’t have dreams of their own. That there are people who aren’t happy, and have no clue of what would make them happy.
I like knowing, or at least thinking that I know, what that is.

I feel like making a mix CD, so I believe I leave to do so. I do owe a few people some anyway.
The combination of Jenny Lewis, a space heater, and a cup of lady Grey Tea is a very soothing one.

I’ve changed my mind; never put down your pipe. Smoke it long and hard, until you’re dead…or living.

Gone. Forgotten?

I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
-Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey)

i watched "american beauty" the other day. now i can't remember why it motivated me so much. that motivation didn't last long, whatever it was.

i have new pictures up!

College Funds.

these roads are so familiar, but it seems like it has been years since i've been here. things have changed, but the people remain. as i walked into the church during middle school youth group, i looked around to faces that i missed. it was a warm welcome and i loved every minute of it.
everyone commented on my pseudo-beard; i said i was shaving it and they cried, "NO."
i still think i will.
it feels so good to be home. my parents and i talked early into the morning about all kinds of stuff. i've missed them quite a bit.
my mom rearranged my room.
some guy passed me on the way home, and screamed "asshole" at me; i caught up to him but didn't know what to do. so i did nothing.
it's freezing in West virginia. i'd kill to be a polar bear; except then i'd be in the tundra. that's colder than west virginia. so would it really be worth it?
this week i look for a new college and read and play lots and lots of poker.

Dwindling Flame.

when will things change?
i've applied at 4 different places, and none feel like hiring me.
i've put homework off every time i've had it. i've told myself that i wouldn't do that anymore after each time. i'm doing that right now actually.
i'm still lazy, which i also told myself i would do no more.
i have written a few more songs. that's about the only thing i've done to make me feel valuable.
i have thought more about what i want to do. i've come up w/ some ideas but they are hard. i think they'd be worth it tho.

my english class really is good. the few people i've hung out w/ outside of classes are in that class. we talk a lot about current events and relate them to writing. it makes me think.

i am enjoying this. it seems all of my posts lately have been downers. it's just that i'm seeing how unsure of everything i am. but i'm seeing other things. i've grown since i've been here. i've been forced to wash dishes and clean and cook. being responsible for yourself is really something. it's not all cake either.
my biggest upset is being alone so much. and i don't really feel that i have people close by who can take that feeling away.
it's hard to explain.
i've seen what i really enjoyed, what i should have treasured. hearing about things back home is fun but it makes me miss it too.
i'm full of contridictions. i've always had the problem of seeing both sides and trying to even it out. then it all hits in the middle and a blah comes out.

okay, it's time to turn off the mewithoutyou, drive away from my secret location, and go study for biology. goodnight all.
and remember, it works both ways.

A Few Pictures.

so here's a look at my house. yea, that's right, i live in that room.




here is a picture of the long winters:



not too much else to say, take it easy.

Empty Web Syndrome. (Now You Never Will)

i came home on thursday. it was a beautiful day. like any other, i said hello to jack, who was hanging so peacefully in his web and not bother a thing. once i got inside and was making a sandwich, i noticed someone walking around outside of my door. i walked to my door and looked out. she was spraying something around the house. i didn't think much of it, tho i did expect her to be an exterminator. after enjoying my sandwich, i remembered jack. i ran out to check on his safety but instead found a disturbed web and no jack. he was gone.
it's sad to think that my outdoor roommate was evicted w/ such little notice. i hope he's alive, but i really doubt it.
anyway, here's a picture to remember him by. it is titled, "You Don't Know Jack".

last night was my performance at the Thespian Society thing at Lee Senior. i was well received, or so it seemed. i wasn't as nervous as i thought i'd be. actually, i did go to the bathroom twice w/i 20 minutes.
regardless, it was great. i had fun.

today i'm getting all of the homework done that i can because on sunday sara, lily, and i are driving to asheville to see the long winters. monday will be a rough day, but it will be so worth it. (click the title above to stream their new cd)

monday, sept. 25th:
ben Gibbard is the musical guest on Jay Leno.

so what'd everyone think of the season premier of "The Office"?

Here's Your Sign.

so joe sent me this picture and i thought it was worth putting up.

Kingdom Come.

tonight at youth i led worship. it was interesting. i enjoyed it a lot actually. i felt like i was really apart of something - which hasn't happened too much since i've been here.
then a few of sat around talking about Christianity - it was great telling stories and answering (or trying to answer) questions for each other.
i left being filled w/ excitement for what's to come w/ this youth group. i feel it has potential and it's on it's way.
i've had a hard time leaving my big church back home. but i think that i'm going to get more out of this actually. tho my new church isn't racking in money and building a new building, adding services to hold everyone; it doesn't have a 7 person worship team - even still i feel like i'll get something from it. i am excited to see what happens. i'm anxious for that.
and i'm excited for the small group too. i hope it goes well - i think we'll at least have fun.
so again i'm avoiding homework and must get it done. so i'm off to battle it.

jars of clay has a new CD out called Good Monsters! someone buy it for me!

How They Shine For You.

after realizing that i couldn't sleep so well, i decided to hop on and write down a few loves of the day.
last weekend was sara and my three year anniversary. i can't believe we've been together that long. it's been such a fun ride; lots of twists and turns and jumps and smooth landings. i wouldn't choose anyone else to sit next to in the rickety old cart either.
so as a sort of celebration, we went out to a movie, which was Little Miss Sunshine - it was very good. we both became girly during a few parts. we walked around Southpoint, in durham for awhile, stopping only to watch a guy juggling.
we then headed for schlotzsky's - the best restuarant ever. we came home to play super mario bros. w/ jesse and jennifer. sadly, we never made it past 3-1 for various reasons. our skill was only one; the age of the hardware was another. oh and my attempts to look like i knew a lot about the game was the last one.
and of course we had to break out The Office Season 2. how i love that show. i will turn her.
now i'm listening to the sweet tunes of Coldplay, living my dreams in my head, and wondering what more will come for sara and i. hopefully we'll be as happy as some other people i know. i have no doubts.

i never quite know how to end these. i always want to give some sort of encouragement or cause people to think. since i'm the only one who reads this, does that mean that actually i just want to make myself think? probably.

Pouring Down.

i'm sitting here, listening to the rain hit my car top. i feel like i've had more time to think but nothing to think about. and sometimes it's been the complete opposite-i have so much to think about but i can't.
next saturday, i may get to play guitar at this place brad told me about. his band and a few others are doing an acoustic show and i may get squeezed in. it's very exciting but i'm kinda nervous. i don't feel like my songs are full enough w/o the backing of my boys in WV. but we'll see; if it even works out.
next sunday sara and i are venturing out to ashville, NC to see the long winters. that will be an awesome show, and a long four hour drive.
the rain today has been nice; very relaxing.

Math Is The Enemy.

Written on Sept. 9, 2006

As I sit here alone, in my new apartment I can’t help but feel like something is missing. perhaps it's just the company of another. I wonder what I’d be doing if I were living my old life in Clarksburg. It seems so far away; like something from a story that I can’t help but want to read a little more of.
Adaptation is perhaps one of the most amazing abilities humans have. I’m not sure if I’ve done that yet or I’m only faking.
I’m still just as lazy tho, and I’ve traded work for school. I do need to find a job so that I can buy everything I want, or at least eat.
i remember hearing that frogs will sit in water as it heats up. their body temperature adjusts so they can stand it, but if they stay in it too long it will die.
I have written a song since I’ve been here. I think it may be one of my favorites. Some days the guitar seems to be more of a friend than an instrument. Other days it is my source of frustration.
I am unsure of what I want. Last night I was reminded of the reason I came here. I wonder what the cost is besides 12,000 dollars.

---
Anyway, here it is now, sunday afternoon. i've wasted the entire day starting something called a facebook? yea, it's pretty retarded. i guess anything is better than math homework.
it is a wonderful day. on days like this i am happy. being here is nice.
there's a hint of a small group forming in the air. i'm still trying to decide what to do it on. i think it would be nice to do something and be really involved.
i also need a job.
linear equations...how i hate you.

The Sound Of Settling.

i suppose i haven't really given a good entry since i've moved. nothing besides little updates. my feelings are starting to turn for the better, my apartment is feeling more like home, and i am fitting in a bit more.
classes are enjoyable, for the most part. i definately will love my english class. there is a girl that kind of reminds me of Pam from the office. so, i do have a little crush on her.
then there's brad and krystal. these two starting talking to me on about the 3rd day. i really don't know what to say except that they are crazy. i was unsure of their motives at first, but now see them to be for good. i went out to eat w/ them at a mexican restuarant, which are numerous as the stars down here, and found that we have a lot in common. so that's great and i think that they will be good friends.
needless to say, being closer to sara has really helped me. the loneliness that's set in has been pretty deep at times tho. it's not like i see her every second of every day. when we're not together, things do get to be quite boring and lonely. i have been playing guitar the last few days and have had good worship times. i think i will continue doing that.
i've gotten to be w/ her family more as well, and that, as always, is a treat.
i am blessed to have the people here that i do, and that will really help me w/ this. but i really do miss my handful of friends back in WV and my parents a lot.
living on your own is a trip. buying groceries and doing laundry...tough work. fixing food, all of that.
i still don't have a job; hopefully that will change this week. there's a movie theater that opened not too long ago so i think i'll try there. it's about 10 minutes from me, if that.
i've taken pictures some. here's one of the spider, jack, that lives outside my door. we don't talk much, he seems very moody.


other things that happened:
i think i almost died for stealing internet. a truck followed me til the end of the road as i left from sitting in my car outside his house.
i dropped my laptop and broke the top of it. it now sits crooked, but i hope i can fix it the mac store in durham.
uh...i...think that's it really.
so i'm gonna go. it's late and i still have to drive home from sara's, where i am now. i'm holding off on homework, i can tell this will be tough and full of procrastination.
i feel more insightful entries coming...i can sense my creative side flourishing.

My Apartment.

I've been living on my own since....sunday night. a very different life.
well, maybe not that much. i still wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, drive the same car...only now i do different things each day.
my apartment is definately coming together. it was a bit dirty, but i've fixed that.
my classes are going pretty well. i love my english class. the professor is awesome.
i'll put up some pictures of my apartment once i get it looking better.
gooooodbye.

Carolina Waits For Me.

in the morning i set out on a great adventure.
it will be sad for some and happy for others.
i'm still a bit mixed.
my car is loaded waiting for me to take the wheel.
tonight i sleep to gain the courage and strength.
i've been kinda numb, i feel, to this whole thing. trying to stay unemotional. tomorrow it'll all hit.
welp, here we go.

It Still Wouldn't Sink.

i'm wasting my time, when i should be packing. instead i'm doing everything to keep from doing that. something about packing is just so...unattractive.
last night was another late one w/ recording. we finished up a few more songs. i'm very pleased w/ them.
we did another one of mine. i think i may have done what i've always wanted to, which was to write a song that made your insides float. between my monotonous guitar riff and joe's infectious piano i think we've created a masterpiece. the drums aren't in it yet but i definately see how they'll help.
it's very exciting. more to come.
tonight is the luau for my youth, and also my final appearance at a Horizons event. it may be tough.
alright...i have to pack.

Up All Night.

oh my goodness. so it's now about 4:30am; adam, joe, and myself just finished up recording some songs.
be okay, tazisto, disney day, & on your head are all complete. the last one is a new one that i wrote not too long ago. it was very nice.
tomorrow evening, hopefully, we'll have another late night to finish everything up. we just need: what i want & everybody wants to rule the world. we may do a few others, we'll see.
so now i'm off to bed because i am one tuckered out boy.

Stop > Rewind > Play.

---Written August 11th---

It seems like I have had the time to really sit and think for a long time. I have so many feelings hitting me hard at once and it’s quite unbearable. Feelings that I thought I’d be over are here again. Ones I hadn’t felt before are here. New worries and new “what if’s”.

Two of my friends are getting married today. I’m the best man but I don’t feel that I should be. I’ve been so busy that other people have done everything. I’ve been really busy. I wish I could have done a better job of celebrating it. and writing speeches doesn’t come very easily to me.

I think a lot of the feelings lately have caused me to look at friendships more cynically. I see people I used to love, people who I felt loved me and I just feel nothing. I think I actually cringe a little when I see them. We’ve grown in separate directions but it doesn’t feel so sweet when our paths cross. Then there are people that I’ve known forever and it seems now, right as I’m leaving, I’m wondering why I haven’t spent more time w/ them.

No body ever knows how it ends for them; it would be so much easier. I wish I knew who I would marry, where I would live, what I’ll do for a living. I wonder if I’ll be happy and if I’ll love what I do. I hope I do. I hope I find my hole.

I just got back from kids camp this morning. That was a strange week.
Concerns about my future bubbled up. When kids ask questions it really makes you think. And I wish I could have explained it better or felt like what I said got thru. There was so much to tell some of them.
i always feel like they don’t really understand what they’re doing when they “accept Jesus” . we just pray w/ them w/o telling them what they’re doing it. it feels manipulative to me. I’d rather them know the real truth and reject it than to accept a misinterpretation.

I don’t think I know myself. I think I’m still trying to be what I think everyone wants me to be. I’m still trying to make people laugh. It doesn’t always work and I usually feel like a sore thumb.
if I were me, I’d be mean; or at least right now. I hate consequences. Thinking of other people can be a real nuisance some times.

My life changes in nine days forever. Forever is a long time. Especially when you throw out the key.

------

the wedding was awesome. i had fun. watching jon and jess say their vows really was good. i could tell how much they loved each other that day very well.
my speech went well i thought, it was short and i got choked up a bit. dancing w/ sara was a lot of fun too. we're both so white that it doesn't matter.

things seem to have sorted out some in my head. i feel very good about everything. i'll still miss a lot of stuff. there are many things that will be hard to do w/o. and everybody has things they wonder what could have happened. but they didn't so, i'm moving on. i can pick up where i am now.

this week is full of packing, cleaning, and goodbyes.

pictures coming soon - i swear.
Ladderboy.

Take My World Apart.

i have taken care of everything i needed to for this trip.
i have an apartment.


it feels good to be finished. i'm actually excited about all of this too. i was worried, really worried. but i feel really good. i'm registered for classes, i have my I.D., my parking pass, i've paid. i even passed my math placement test so i don't have to take any "catch up" courses.
i'm taking Biology, a writing class, Psychology, and college algebra.
i feel this weight of...stress and anxiety dropping off of me.

tomorrow i will return home to finish my normal life. i will hate leaving a lot of things behind. i will miss my church and what i do there. i even miss target a little. but i know w/o a doubt i will miss my friends and even more my family. i think even being gone for this week i've realized how hard it will be for me to be that far away. i know i'll make it and i'm not worried about my relationship w/ them.
i've missed living at justin and jon's house to use their internet and watch scrubs. i've missed joking around w/ my mom and talking w/ my dad.
i've missed playing w/ joe and the band at youth.
but i'm ready for this change. i'm excited, i'm worried...i'm....everything i should be.

Lullaby.

today i may have found the place. i still need to see inside of it. but the price is great and the location is pretty good. i couldn't get ahold of the people earlier when i tried to get back in touch w/ them. hopefully later on this day, after i sleep, i will be able to get in and see it. i'm excited.
i've had a good day. kathy and i drove around for a few hours looking; mostly crossing things off of our list. it was fun.
sara and i went out this evening and had lots of fun. we walked around on...frankln street, i think. i'm still very unfamiliar w/ this area. i get carboro and every other thing mixed up. we walked around the botanical gardens as well, but they closed soon after we go there.
the worst thing was that on our way home we say the car in front of us hit an animal. both of us cringed as it happened. we decided to go back and see if we could help at all. it was a little black cat. it looks so disoriented. sara ran around trying to find it's owner while i kept it safe from other cars. watching it was so hard. i couldn't do anything. i was afraid to touch in other than to pet it's head because it's ribs looked broken. i've never seen an animal die; i did tonight. it was very hard. sara came back and an older man whom's house she had gone to came soon after. he told us who it probably belonged to and we watched it as it took it's last breath. i put it off of the side of the road. it was a quiet ride home and we weren't hungry anymore.
we did have a better evening back at the house. sara did my laundry while i watched her and tried to help. we sat around talking about all kind of stuff w/ her parents and jesse and jennifer. it felt very homey tonight.
i need to go to bed. goodnight.

Crashed On The Floor.

i thought i had found the perfect apartment and then someone else took it. i have two more options but i'm having trouble picking myself back up. i've seen the inside of one of them and it's nice. the outside of it isn't bad either; it's the location that's not so pretty.
then i have another option that looks nice on the outside but i can't see inside it because someone still lives there. i'm torn.
besides that, this has been a good trip thus far.
i got college things taken care of some and have had a good deal of fun w/ sara and her friends and sara's family and lily's parents.
the other night we sat around at lily's. i was very tired and someone discouraged w/ all of this. but i sat and watched dave, lily's dad, put on guitar strings. he was very focused but always had time to pause and say something either hilarious or very interesting.
and then i continued to sit there in my spaced out state and listen to him play his wonderfully tuned guitar. and then lily accompanied him on violin and it was fabulous.
i've become very excited about being here. last night leah and i talked about all the food i have to have at my apartment. and jesse says he'll always come over and play my video games. haha.
it'll be really cool.
when sara gets home in about 20 minutes, we are going to meet up w/ Sal and Debbie.





i'm feeling better already. i think i know what to do. if only i could really see it.


Post Script

so...the 2nd place that i drove to, looked inside, and then drove to the agency in order to pay the security deposit and take it - yes, it was taken earlier in the morning. so, again, i am back to square one. my stay here is being extended. therefore i will not be home friday night for the youth luau. i am quite sad of that, but this is more important and necessary.
tomorrow kathy and i are setting out on a giant search. hopefuly something will turn up that i like as much as the other two that i couldn't get. i don't think i can go much lower (in confidence) and higher (in price).

Back to a 100% World.

yesterday, justin and i went out to take pictures in a light rain. i always like doing that w/ him. there's this feeling of trying to out do each other in a playful way. it's a blast to see what we come out w/, but even if it's nothing it was at least fun. i got a few good ones.

i saw Lady In The Water; i loved it. it was different from all of his movies. and there was no twist at the end to change the entire movie. i think i identified w/ the message of trying to find yourself. i feel stuck in a confusing time. wondering what to do. i felt like i was on the same page as the characters.
i've had this feeling of my guts churning for days. i'm actually growing up but i don't think i entirely want to. i think on the inside i'm still just a kid; not having anything to really care about. i like having a safe home that i'm comfortable in w/ parents i get along w/. it's a rare thing i suppose.
i'm completely scared of being on my own; of being alone.

so i don't have a job anymore. my last day of target was friday. it was a good day; like the job. i will miss that 10%.

i go the long winters new cd. so far i am a bit let down. but we'll see....

I'm Going Down To Sleep On The Bottom Of The Ocean.

today is a day of overwhelming feelings.
i've written some more music. i like it better than the old. i just need a few chords i don't know and words. i have one line but nothing to follow.
why is everything so disappointing right now? i don't think anybody has it good.
i don't think we're going to record, or ever practice again. i'm frustrated.
stop hiding.
i'm ready to say goodbye to a few things and hello to a few.
i wish i could record what i see. i think i'd make some very good music videos. and then i could explain what i think about more things.
i can't believe how heartless some people can be.

it'd be nice to escape right now and sit in a field and breathe and let things roll off. i know i'm not the only one.

Wake Up, Life’s Too Short For You To Stay In Bed.

I’m laying in my bed now…I randomly woke up at about 5:45 and starting in a hot panic to find my glasses. They weren’t in their usual spot so I tried to let it go but it ate at my nerves.
I was hot and sweaty and my stomach hurt. I got up, used the bathroom and went to get a drink. I also looked downstairs for my glasses.
I could tell thru the dense fog outside that a sun was trying to shine thru it. I started singing Keith Green’s “My Eyes Are Dry” and danced around the idea of taking my guitar outside and play some worship songs as the sun rose. I didn’t think I’d be able to see the sun. maybe there’s a metaphor there. I’ll look into it.

So I turned up the air and came up stairs, turned on my lights and found my glasses neatly folded upon my TV stand. One of my parents must have put it there, for I would not have. I smiled, put them on to make sure they still fit and then placed them back down on the stand.
I hopped into bed where I just lay, feeling the change in temperature and loving it; relishing it even.
I realized I was awake, and wouldn’t get back to sleep this morning. More ideas danced in me and I’m glad I settled on this one. A song got in my head, this time by Lost Dogs. They are some old Christian band my dad loves. I’ve always enjoyed the chain of bands they affected (The Choir, Adam Again, The Swirling Eddies). It’s a mix of a bunch of old guys. One of them died a few years ago. I also heard he played w/ Starflyer 59. His Name was Gene Eugene.
Anyway, so I ran down to get that CD so I could listen to it. I also grabbed their greatest hits. I’m now listening to it as a I import it.
I always thought they were a cheesy-to-be-cheesy band, but have realized thru this that they are actually a really good band. I’ve had chills put up my spine as I hear songs that I haven’t heard for years. I haven’t ridden w/ my dad for years. I always loved that actually. Some of his music I despised. A lot of it I’ve come to love. Bill Mallonee was the first of it. then The Choir a bit. Now Lost Dogs.
They have a song called “Breathe Deep (The Breath of God)” and it’s a call for everybody who’s anybody to come and breathe the breath of God (click above for the whole list). It really hit me. Ya know? That we all have this desire in us to find fulfillment. I wish that I knew the Bible more in times like these; there’s a scripture about us knowing that something is there. It’s the touch of God we’re born w/.
Keith Green and his wife searched thru everything: drugs, eastern “religion”, the occult, hippies. Why is it that none of that really satisfies the soul? Only Jesus can really make it whole. I’ve talked w/ Sara for months on and off about the church. My workshop at camp was gonna be about that roughly and how Christians need to come back into the world of media and be artistic and show what God has given us.
I just about used the word “invade” and remembered reading about how Christians always use words dealing w/ battle and taking over the world. I don’t like that. But you will notice it. it is a spiritual war. But I think it makes us come across like fanatics to those we try to reach. Maybe that’s a thought of the moment…
Anyway, and she’s recently told me how she’s spoken at church and at a women’s ministry her mom in a part of.
Friends have talked about it w/ her. There’s just this feeling that the church is letting us down. That it’s letting people down. I think even God to an extent.
I’m tired of just talking about it. People have said things and I’ve felt it a little. I think this move to North Carolina is more than just a move and just going to school and (even tho it’s huge to me) more than being close to Sara. I’ve had these daydreams of leading worship and things coming alive. But are they anything more than daydreams?


Well I think I’m done w/ the writing. It’s almost 7, time to get ready. Today I’m playing w/ the youth band for both services at church. I hope it goes well.
There are many things I’ll miss when I leave. But not as many as you’d think. And I think the majority of it is because of routine and safety of knowing what’s to come.
I think today will be a good day. And why shouldn’t it be? If I want it to be, then by golly, it will be. Won’t you do the same?


Up In The Morning, A New World Is Forming Behind These Tired Eyes
I’m Here And I’m Breathing, Feel My Heart Beating, Lucky To Be Alive

Using Someone Else's Poetry To Express How You Feel.

Written between July 6th and July 9th.

I’m sitting here restless again, knowing that there is so much to do.
I’m figuring things out w/ CCCC, feeling better and better about that decision every second.

I’ve picked up my guitar the last few days; it’s been awhile what w/ being out of the country and at camp. That too feels better.

Big things at work – the Target photo lab is going thru a huge change of software. It’s gonna be crazy. I’ve already had to sit thru two conference calls about it. I do love my job. I’m lucky to have one that I enjoy for the most part. I’m hoping I can transfer to the Target in Apex and stay in the photo lab. We shall see.

i'm feeling a little john cusack, so it's top 5 time.

Top 5 Albums - Ever.

5. Gimme Fiction – Spoon













4. X & Y - Coldplay













3. Pixel Revolt – John Vanderslice













2. Let Go – Nada Surf













1. Transatlanticism – Death Cab For Cutie














i think what constitutes a good CD for me is one that has a current. each song leads into the next and it gets better and better. it's not front loaded, it's an equal load. emotions change for each song; ups and downs.
share your top 5.

albums that would fill in 6-10, (in no order):
Rocky Votolato - Makers
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
The Long Winters - When I Pretend To Fall
Beulah - The Coast Is Never Clear
The Thrills - Let's Bottle Bohemia

Start Right Here.

Wow, I wish i was sitting here.



i wish i could sit still right now and relax. i actually could. but i feel rushed. right now, this minute, i am not rushed. but i know that each moment leads to another moment which leads to a minute, leading to an hour, leading to a day, leading to a week, leading to a month and so on. i know that by wasting this moment now, i am getting behind in my plans that will take place in August.
i found out that UNCG has no more dorms available. i'm looking into a community college now. i could save lots of money and get my feet wet while still being in north carolina. i'd have to get an apartment but that'd be fine w/ me.
i'm still feeling stressed about it. more so now that i'm back to not knowing exactly what i'm doing and that it's so soon. i'm realizing that i'm done at Target in two weeks and then i have to be ready to go. i'm more excited about going now tho. i can't wait actually.

i'm finally back from all of my ventures. Belize and camp are both in the past. both were amazing and both were unforgettable.
i have some pictures from belize up. more will be going up.
the ladderboy videos from camp will be available on the internet soon as well.


i'm currently reading a book about Keith Green. it's so depressing. but i'm hooked.

i wish i had more to say. it seems like i do when i don't have a way to write it down.
i promise that i will return w/ more thoughtful things soon.

I Got Your Number.

actually, i don't.
Diana Rice's phone number is not 276-982-0194. if that's even her name.
just so everybody knows.

my naive trust in people has again let me down. you'd think by now i would just kill them.
another life lesson learned and more faith lost in the number one parasite.

okay, i could be positive and think that maybe something happened to her phone line and she actually will call me. but let's not get our hopes up.
it's more likely that her car will explode - and that would make me smile more.

things that should be done when in an accident:
*make sure everybody is alright.
*trade insurance information - VIN number, license plate number, insurance agent's name and phone number.
*take pictures, if you have a camera.
*also, not a bad idea to contact law inforcement to get the facts straight.

and this has also convinced me to get a cell phone.

Sometimes I Think This Cycle Never Ends.

wow, so much has happened since i've been back. it's all been frustration too.
tuesday i woke up. sara and i planned on going to the mall to get my paycheck and hang out a bit.
well that was foiled once by the need for mowing. i was ready leave when that came up. so after doing that, working up a sweat, and then cleaning up again, we got in the car and drove about 3 feet. it sounded funny, so i parked and looked at my tire.
it was flat.
so i changed that - had a nail in it. fantastic.
then we took off for the mall. that was enjoyable. i bought some CDs and clothes. sara and i enjoyed ourselves.
so today i took sara home. that in and of itself makes a horrible day.
it was kind of rushed because i had to get back to go see David Crowder. so i'm on my way home, listening closely to the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs' CD, when my car jumps and i am startled.
someone rear ended me. and to make it worse - in a tunnel. now the good thing is that it didn't turn into a scene from Daylight. (Oh Sly)
being really shaken up and not sure what to do, i pull into the lane of the tunnel that is closed for some reason. the lady pulled in too, we got out and decided to join up outside of the tunnel.
she seemed really nice; shaken up as well. so we pull over outside and get out.
here is where my lack of knowledge proved to be high.
i really didn't know what i was supposed to do. it was obviously her fault. do i call the police? take pictures? what?
well, i think i should have done more than get her name and phone number - but that's what we did. we agreed on calling our insurance and then each other.
she was still nice, apologizing left and right, and i kept cool, making sure she was okay.
i tried to be sympathetic about her car being worse than mine but in actuality i was glad.

sooo....there's my car trouble in a nut shell. oh, and a bird flew into my windshield when i was still w/ sara. tho that was a bit humorous.

i hope everything goes well w/ her. that she won't turn out to be a horrible person and not come thru. and i hope her phone number is real...

on a better note, David Crowder was amazing. it was good to worship like that. i am now on a mission to learn his songs.
he's definately found something by making worship as fun as it can be while being entertaining and still be worshipping whole heartedly.
and he's funny too.

i feel like a few things have been against me lately. i may have seen somethings that i don't like about myself on the mission trip. and i have definately come away from it not knowing what i want to do. wondering where i really stand w/ God.
it's frustrating, being confused. there's nothing poetic about it, only desperate.
i don't really know what i want. i feel like maybe my dreams are getting in my way. but who really knows my way?

now it is late and i am ready for bed. the final step of falling into the american way again is on it's way - Target. the shivers run up and down me as i type.

Leaving On A Jet Plane.

well, i am now sitting in the Airport of Belize. our flight was delayed so i am on the internet checking mail and such.
the trip was very good; i have done a few journal type things that will be put up here when i'm done w/ them fully.
i'm ready to come home. i'll be glad to be out of the heat.
i am glad that i came. i've seen things that i'd have never seen otherwise.
i think our plane is here so i must go!
i have tons of pictures that will be up later too. goodbye!

Flight Of The Neon Green.

right now i'm sitting in an airport in Houston. that's right, Texas. my butt is sore from the plane ride. i wonder if the stranger next to me noticed my head dropping down and almost snapping off.
the first ride, my first plane ride ever, was very beautiful. we rose as the sun did. it was relaxing.
well, i don't have too many pictures yet. most that i took were blurry or just not good. i am a failure by the way.
but!!! i promise good ones will come.
sara O'brien has run off so i must now venture about to find her.
and i smell chinese food.....

Policeman In Passats.

that little guy is about what i feel like today. jumping off into something. i'll probably be okay, but who really knows? i don't.

today i remember talking to joe about how i love the smell of fresh rain on hot pavement and when it rains lightly on a beautiful day. it was like that earlier. and the rain was cold. it was so cold. today was a good day.
joe and i ran to target, wal-mart, and sam's. i then came home and watched an A&E Biography on The Brady Bunch.
in the meantime i took a lot of pictures. over a hundred. a few of these are up now on flickr. there are more of the strawberries that i think i'll put up.
today was a good day.
i've been listening to Of Montreal. it's this band from the Elephant 6 label (along w/ beulah) that mike gum has introduced me too. they are amazing.
this will be my farewell post while in belize w/ my sara and a few others. pray that it will go well and we will be used for God's will and for safety.
i will return w/ stories and pictures for all of you.

How Long Before I Know What It Feels Like?

i have no idea. i hate the idea of having to tell anyone where i see myself. mostly because i don't realistically see myself anywhere; it's all in my dreams.
i was feeling good about college, i'm unsure about how i feel now.
Coldplay has known my innermost self the last few days. and every other line they've sang has been an even better title for this entry. i hope i haven't settled.

i wrote a song, it's about revenge.

i hope the sky falls on your head
as you walk away
each drop of rain's like the sting
of every bruise you've made

when i needed you most
you said you couldn't stay
you left me stunned
waiting for your embrace

if it all crashed down on you
i wouldn't give my time to save
one whose drowning in an ocean
of all their mistakes

i'm thinking of adding a bridge at the end. i'm unsure. i've felt like a better person after writing music. it is what makes me happy. i would never pick up a camera again for music. maybe someday...

Patriot Tick.

I don't quite know how i feel about pledging alligence to the American flag during church. It's not that i don't think it's right to be patriotic and especially not w/ paying honor to those who have fought for this country and died. a church doesn't seem like the right place to talk about your country, intead we should worship God together; for That is where our true alligence lies. our's, as christians, should lie in the Kingdom of God. governments will crumble, but not that one.

i have written a song. i am happy.

i thought i'd have more to say, i guess i don't.

Monot, Oh Me.

today i realized how tired of monotony i am. i think i could have quit my job. not because i don't like my job, but because it's the same thing. especially after having more than a week of doing nothing that i normally do, falling back into that today was horrible. needless to say, i can't wait to finally give that notice.

i'm so bogged down w/ stuff to do. today i realized that i have like 2 weeks until the mission trip which i have yet to get money for. anyone wanna help? ha. i haven't read anything lately for my workshop for camp. the idea is still running thru my head but not my blood yet.
today i took my current read, The Irresistible Revolution, to work. i'm glad i had time to get into it. i forgot how amazing this guy is. he's made me question so many things. things that i think may change my thinking. and what's sad, is that it's a lot of things that i've made fun of quite vocally in the past.
i mean, this idea of war has...i don't understand it. i think i'm seeing that there may truly be a difference between the God of
the Old Testament and the New Testament. but, i think i may be against war.
the author of this book says how he is opposed to war and how God says to love your neighbor (being the 2nd commandment to Love the Lord Your God w/ all Your Heart). and i always thought this meant the kid who picked on you during school or the guy who cut you off in traffic. not the man who blew up your home or attacked your country and killed thousands or shot everybody at your school.
as i read this book i seem to be hearing more that the Old Testament way is no longer the way God works. Jesus spoke Love. i mean, think about it. God would take 200 people and destroy an army of 100,000. wars aren't like that anymore. i don't think God is behind any war. the wars back then you knew it was God - i mean, look at those odds!!! come on.
vengeance is mine says the Lord. "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."No, "if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12: 19-21 / Deuteronomy 32:35.

i suggest that everybody read this book who is tired of sitting around in their Christian life.

so i'm still making up my mind of some things...sometimes we mess up and fights are inevitable.
there is a lot of jumble in my head.
but i love this book-i'm compelled to love and live like Christ.

~POST SCRIPT~

so, after talking w/ the drabni's i have been confused more but i think i disagree a little more w/ him. war has been used in good cases since the New Testament. think of the Halocaust. so....i do not think that the war in iraq is wrong but i won't say that it's right. i do not know the main points behind it - i mean the true objectives. but war has been used for good. Sadaam wasn't a good man. i think he means more that war is only wrong if it is for power and that alone.
we've had a goodnight discussing this book and his views and thinking things thru. it's fun doing this.
i still completely recommend this book.

Listening To:

One Million Stops For Photo Ops. / The Voyage Is Over.

original concept written May 19th 2006:
There are always times when you'll have to give up a photo opportunity. there have been many on this trip. on the way back to Indiana, we passed a billboard along the road that was empty of an ad. it had been stripped of paint and a tree had burst thru one section of it. i loved it, but it was gone before i the idea even came into my head to get my camera.
and that is only one. everything from a graveyard w/ beautiful trees and headstones decorated w/ flowers all thru-out right after a hail storm; the sky later that day w/ wisps of clouds thru wisps of clouds; a pot of flowers on my aunt's porch, old barns - indiana is the home of old barns. it's their florida. i wanted to see an indiana sunset from an open field but it never happened because of the rain clouds shielding everything from view. ther was this giant bowling pin along the road about 20 minutes ago. my camera couldn't focus in time, therefore it was missed. the giant dinosaur that my sister has told me of in kentucky.
i may have missed out on great shots that would have swept across flickr w/ great power and majesty. ah! we just passed by 4 silos; too far away and no clear shot. blast. so like i was saying, there are many photo opportunities that i've missed out on. the biggest one to date, tho, is definately my cousin's kids wrestling around on the floor. dress clothes do not matter.
they've made this trip better. it's always a little awkward being in indiana. we're not up here much, maybe once a year. i know they don't really know me. i don't really know them. at least w/ this trip we all had something in common to bring us together. it was an enjoyable trip, aside from the reason.
i wish i could have gotten a picture of all of those kids running around, diving into each other while playing tag. they were adorable.
i did NOT love having to hug people i've never met and pretend that i wanted to tell them all about myself. you know something is old when you've scripted it out.
end.

i am home now. that feels good, a little. the drive home wasn't bad; it went faster than expected. i do have pictures, but they won't be up for a few days. i need to go thru them and there are things more important. like registering for classes.
Nashville was awesome. we didn't really do much sightseeing. i did see lots of things that would be great pictures. but i couldn't just stop and do that. we were very busy w/ moving alison in. we had some very fine eats tho. mmm.

i believe that to be all, so i will now go off and relax. i have not slept like a man should since last week sometime. i can now put away my luggage and unpack my toilettries.
keep your eyes open.


Current Listens:
Rocky Votolato - Makers
Neko Case - Hold On, Hold On
The Long Winters - Pushover

Sweeter By Far.

i sit now, in the dark, in our hotel room. i'm uploading some new pictures, which i have lots of.
feel free to check them out.
here are a few to lure you on...



and there are many more than those. take a look.

it's now late, and it's time for me to hit the hay. i'm running on little sleep and even less will.
if only this rain would stop...

Indiana Wants Me. (Tennessee, Get In Line.)

so we must make a unexpected trip back out to indiana. my mom's mother died today. it's not as bad as you may expect. she was doing badly so it's for the best. i'm sure it will hit all of us harder once we get out there.
so after making the drive, again, this wednesday, we'll stay there til friday morning then truck to TN.
i am excited to go there. and it's actually faster from Indiana, so double the fun.
i doubt i'll have any new pictures up for awhile due to the unknown internet access.
i do have some waiting to be put up tho.
alright now. i suggest you all relax for the week. i wish i could.

Pomp & Circumstance.

Here are some pictures from yesterday:





gotta go!

Along For The Ride.

Car rides are always inspirational and insightful times for me. Right now I’m riding in the back seat of my family’s minivan on our way to my sister’s college graduation in Indiana.
This isn’t a trip that I can say I’m excited to be a part of. Actually, last night I was quite the pouter. Sara can vouch for that.
So as I sit here listening to music that I love thru headphones that buzz, I feel compelled to write.
When the journey started, I watched the last episode of Scrubs from Season 3. Then I began reading a magazine, the newest Relevant. Dad and I got talking about topics that would bore most.
One, the one that we were on the longest, being the whole issue w/ the word “Religion” and whether or not it should still be used. Here is its definition:
1.The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, Esp. a personal God or gods.
2.Details of belief as taught or discussed
3.A particular system of faith and worship
4.A pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance

it seems so cliché right now to harp on the term “religion” being out of the description of Christianity. Well, Christianity is a #3. It’s a #1. Um…actually it’s all of those. Organized religion is not so bad. I must confess, I started to jump on the bandwagon when this fade rode in, mostly because I didn’t understand. I decided to just not have anything to do w/ it in the end. But now I’m seeing that there is a reason to speak because this is a very unintelligent point of view.
The ideal that Jesus spoke of requires community. It calls us to be there for each other. Organization must be there. We have a book that explains the ups and downs of our religion, a textbook if you will.
My dad said something very true: Making Christianity no longer a religion is like saying that you are against school but for learning. You’re saying that the fact that it’s organized is bad. You’d rather have personal, private learning? How can Christianity work if it’s private? It doesn’t. I think American culture shows us that.
The definition of the adjective, “organized”:
1.arranged in a systematic way, esp. on a large scale
2.having one’s affairs in order so as to deal with them efficiently

I will say that organization can go too far in a structure such as the church. (Realize that “the church” is not the building, but the group of people who follow Jesus.) God must have room to wiggle. If he can’t lead us anywhere, due to our schedules, then we are too organized. And organized is much better than unorganized, right?

On the other hand I think I do understand what everyone is trying to get across w/ this change of vocabulary.
We need to stop treating our religion as just a pin that we wear on our jacket and show proudly, or not so proudly. It shouldn’t be something that we are only involved in because it’s the current trend or our parents make us.
Christianity is something that we are to spread. The Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20):
and Jesus came and spoke to them saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth.
Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

Christianity is not something to be lived in private. It’s not a “closet” aspect of life.
Daniel 6:10:
Now when Daniel knew that the document was signed, he entered his house (now in his roof chamber he had windows open toward Jerusalem); and he continued kneeling on his knees three times a day, praying and giving thanks before his God, as he had been doing previously.

Daniel knew he would be punished for this he still did it in a way that people knew.
If we really are Christians, then our religious beliefs should be seen in every aspect of our life; recreational and professional.
But The secular world couldn’t care less about our religious jumble. If all we do is scream our religious agenda from street corners, they will continue to close their ears. Christ must be made relevant to today’s culture. And I think if we live life like Jesus instructs us, then that will change.

Until we live all of the things we’ve heard forever, the people we are supposed to be trying to reach will be unreachable. They must see us as different from everyone else. If they can see that something makes me different, I can show them Him.


Continuing The Trip:
We’re back on the road. We stopped at a bookstore; we’ve now hit two and are on our way to the third. My dad has an addiction of books equivalent to my CD addiction.
I took a few pictures. I felt artsy while inside. I wish I had more of a passion for reading.

5 CDs I feel that I must buy:
1. Neko Case – Fox Confessor Brings The Flood
2. The Flaming Lips – Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots or At War With the Mystics (whichever more people tell me to buy)
3. Ben Harper – Both Sides of The Gun
4. Matisyahu – Youth
5. Yeah yeah yeahs – Show Your Bones

5 Bands I feel I must hear more of:
1.Starlight mints
2.the like
3.the class of 98
4.Joshua radin
5.youth group

Sidetrack:
Today before we left, I decided to water my plants. When I watered my rubber plant, I found out where all of those ants were coming from. Yea, I guess they nested inside the soil. So they flooded out like crazy. It was kind of gross. I killed lots of ants needless to say.

Trippin':
we stopped at a third and final bookstore. i looked thru the used CDs. i found many that i'd have loved to get my hands on, but settled for 3:
1.Harvey Danger - Where Have All The Merrymakers Gone?
2.Liam Lynch - Fake Songs
3.They Might Be Giants - Lincoln

i'm happy w/ my selection, and also w/ again feeling artsy as i rummaged thru the CDs.


Scrubs is one of those thought provoking shows for me. I’m always comparing things in it to my own life or past experiences. I realized, I think, what’s been bothering me a little is that I have cold feet.
I have to make sure that moving to NC is the best thing for me. i don't want to get burned by all of this. but not taking chances does me no good.
today on the ride here, and even now as i lay in this bed, looking over the day and the 8 hour span that this journal of my day was written in , i know that it's time. i'm ready to be on my own more.
i know that nothing will change Sara and me unless we let something do that. i am happy. maybe my cold feet are warming up, i do believe the feeling is coming back - and the tingling is so refreshing.

today has been a good day.
i love my sister, i'd even say i admire her. she's more of a friend than a sister anymore.
I don't think this trip will be so bad afterall...even if i do get lost in my thoughts along the way.

Flickr 500.

so two of my pictures have made it into the top 500 of flickr. click the title to see the page. that's right.
these are the two:



i'm not quite sure how official this is, but...but i like it alot. i feel successful. wee.

here are some i've taken recently that i love:




justin and i went out to take some pictures today. it was loads of fun, we kind of got yelled at. and i didn't get that many great ones. but i'm still picking thru them, then i'll get 'em up.

i'll end w/ a picture of fluke practicing and me looking frightened:

We're All Just Part of Some Giant Grande Machine.

today i thought alot. when you sit alone in the back corner of a store, you tend to do so. i must say it has been enjoyable at times while at others, quite...the opposite.
the last few months i've used my time to read. i've read a lot. lately it's been for the workshop i'm leading at camp this summer. i've been challenged more lately than i have my entire life. i've been reading books about Christianity, ones that show me what it really is. that, it's so much more than what i've always thought. it's not a service on sunday and wednesday night, a few songs, and some big book.
it's about love. it's about being a family.
this book i'm reading now is called "The Irresistible Revolution". it's by this guy named Shane Claiborne.
my views of...so many things have been shaken because of this guy. it's not a bad thing. i'm kind of glad. what i thought about this war has changed. it's crazy really. i suggest it as a read, completely. i've disagreed and completely agreed. i've been brought to tears. it's something i want but it's radical.

i've lost my thoughts. old things have come back. it's refreshing to say the least. i think i hold onto things even when i'm perfectly fine w/ them having come to an end. i wonder sometimes if it's not normal. i like memories. i wish i hadn't thrown them all out.

i picked up my guitar earlier today and felt alive. i think i had thought at one point that photography would take my dream's place. but the way i felt when i played guitar today doesn't happen when i take a picture. that's only a hobby, something i'm good at. music is what drives me and i'm tired of playing air guitar in the shower.
ah, it's been a day. not a bad one at that.
enjoy yours.

So Much To Do, Plenty Of Time. (It's Motivation That's Lacking.)

ah, so my addiction of late in flickr. i've found the enjoyment and feeling of acceptance and approval from everyone else there by posting my pictures in groups. it's my heroine. i have put a bunch of new ones up lately, so you should meander on down and take a look, see?
my plate is full of stuff yet i spend my time sucked into that before mentioned endeavor.
last night fluke practiced. we're making sure we've got it all together before we record, which will be before June we believe. it is sad that it marks the end of us, but it's worth it all to have a recording of our songs. it still feels right playing w/ those guys but i can also feel that it's coming to a close.
i have so much video footage to edit. i have about 80 gigs worth of it. concert footage and a skit for youth. it needs to get done so i have room for camp things.
and speaking of camp things, my workshop details are due saturday. i'm still reading my books so, i don't have it yet.
i am enjoying getting this workshop together, i feel like it will be a good one. i've learned a lot from reading for it; i hope we can all do it tho.

i'm off! i do nothing that i've said i need to.

school will kill me.

Migrate Somewhere Else vs. I Sure Do Love Mexican Food. (My Take On Immigration)

w/ everything to do w/ immigration being everywhere, i think i'll give my opinion on it. it's not as harsh as my title probably makes you think, but i suppose it is harsh.
i'm not going to spew facts, statistics, opinion polls, percentages, pie charts showing the good and bad - only what i think based on what's in my head.
i have no problem w/ legal immigration. america has always been a place where people have come to escape something horrible or to gain opportunity. i think legal immigration is great. (as alex linger just pointed out, i am here because of legal immigration)
the word illegal says it all. murder is illegal. if someone murders, is tried, and found guily, they are punished. so why should it be okay for someone to do something "illegal" and get away w/ it?
i'm not going to sit and say that they haven't helped out america. they do take jobs we don't want. but i do think people would take them. if there is a need, it will get done. but regardless, it's our responsibility since it's in our country. if it doesn't happen or does it's up to americans.

i do think, because it's such a big deal right now, they should just say "okay, if you've been here for more than [some amount of time] come, get your papers, you're legal". and if they don't come by a certain time, that offer is void, they are illegal and if found, they are sent back where ever they came from.
i think border security should be heightened, it should be impossible to sneak into America. i mean we're so worried about terrorists yet we have who knows how many people sneaking across (not me because i don't know statistics) but i'm not saying we should shoot them.

i am saying, there is a legal way to get here, so do it the legal way. so why don't they do it the legal way? i don't know. but i think that it should be easy, while secure, enough for people to get in legally and not force them to be homeless once here.
we shouldn't reward the illegal people - who aren't paying taxes - to take advantage of us and cause our taxes, my taxes, your taxes to increase. it's not fair to you or me. i also think providing water stations in the desert for these illegal people is retarded. why should we aid them in breaking the law? that's like giving a thief your car key.
there are organizations that bring people over for a certain amount of time, to earn money and go back to their country. Target uses this for their janitorial staff. they can then go back home earn more money and then pay to become legal.

Conclusion:
people should allowed in this country. but it's unfair to you and me to allow the ones who are illegal to stay and suck up what isn't theirs and drain me of that very same thing.
just because you stole the car, doesn't mean you can keep it.

Disclaimer:
this is my view, you can tell me yours but let's not start a war.

(for sara.)

This Is For Logan.

i thought i'd post this because it's amazing. and i know how much logan will love it. (click the title.)
the third season of scrubs comes out May 9th.

in the news is the news of Fluke recording. very soon...we will be recording an EP to end all EPs.
my neck's been killing me, it's getting better. a chiropractor at church showed me some stretches for it.
now i go back to playing w/ justin.

Amusement Park Princesses Aren't Pretty.

so i'm twenty today. i don't like that i'm getting older.
i have no idea what i want to say.
my days have consisted entirely of Zelda since i've gotten home.

but i've realized:
that my days of home cooked meals are numbered.
that i'm saying goodbye.
that i'm closing doors.
i'm opening doors.
i'm committing.
i'm taking a step.
it will all get harder.
i don't have to close doors.
i'm losing things.
i'm gaining things.
i'm ready for this.
i have ambitions.
i'm too lazy to get them done.
i don't want to work for things, but i have to.
i can't wait to quit target.


we all have people that we look up to. they inspire us. they give us awe.
where do they get that power? is it that they are real? that they have good days along w/ bad ones. they have dreams, even some they've lain aside for you. they're worn out, torn between decisions, not making rent. they like to think. they're just as lame as you.

is that what makes them beautiful?

The Youth and Beauty Brigade.

Here is a picture catalog of my time here in the NC, or at least a few:

The creepy factory that we visited:

Dying max's hair blue:


What his hair looks like afterwards:

This is a few of us walking to Jordan Lake, from Chelsy's (logan, lily, chelsy's back):

Our friend Travis, the dead catfish:

This is Logan, w/ his big club stick.

Here's what he did w/ it.


a few random shots of carey, lily, and my sara:





needless to say, we've had fun. today we went to see a movie and then sara and i gallivanted about in search of a gift for kathy, sara's mom (whom i share my birthdate with). then we headed back towards home, passing onto Siler City where more dead fish floated into our scene. so now we're home, playing w/ our finger puppets and enjoying our last night together...