I've been doubting and questioning my thoughts of life and love for sometime. I no longer wish to focus on what I've focused on thru these writings. I'm tired of beating my chest to fill the void that my heart has left.
I'm not up to the vulnerability required to do so. So this will be the final post until I discover a new voice or find the confidence in myself and ability to trust enough to share my heart.
_______________________
I have come to accept that plans really are just hopes and wishes. And even when the skies are clear and the water is smooth, we can capsize and drown. and I'm okay with the fact that nothing is certain. To accept my lack of control is more comforting than anything.
Someone told me that people are unreliable and undependable. She was right. I've been fighting between these two extremes of swearing off love and then realizing how beautiful it is - even when it's broken. We were made to love. But how can we love if we can't be loved? If we can't open our hearts and let someone see and hold it - knowing full well that they could destroy us - what is the point? And I believe that that is how you learn to love. Once you let someone in and experience the abandonment you have to decide if it's worth it to do all over again. I believe it is.
Oh when the wild was all covered by snow,
I forgot the colours that the grass tend to grow.
Oh the trees were all leafless,
And lifeless and black,
And I wondered if the leaves could grow back.
For your heart is like a flower as it grows,
And its the rain, not just the sun that helps it bloom.
And you don't know how it feels to be alive,
Until you know how it feels to die.- Noah & The Whale.
