The Sound Of Settling.

i suppose i haven't really given a good entry since i've moved. nothing besides little updates. my feelings are starting to turn for the better, my apartment is feeling more like home, and i am fitting in a bit more.
classes are enjoyable, for the most part. i definately will love my english class. there is a girl that kind of reminds me of Pam from the office. so, i do have a little crush on her.
then there's brad and krystal. these two starting talking to me on about the 3rd day. i really don't know what to say except that they are crazy. i was unsure of their motives at first, but now see them to be for good. i went out to eat w/ them at a mexican restuarant, which are numerous as the stars down here, and found that we have a lot in common. so that's great and i think that they will be good friends.
needless to say, being closer to sara has really helped me. the loneliness that's set in has been pretty deep at times tho. it's not like i see her every second of every day. when we're not together, things do get to be quite boring and lonely. i have been playing guitar the last few days and have had good worship times. i think i will continue doing that.
i've gotten to be w/ her family more as well, and that, as always, is a treat.
i am blessed to have the people here that i do, and that will really help me w/ this. but i really do miss my handful of friends back in WV and my parents a lot.
living on your own is a trip. buying groceries and doing laundry...tough work. fixing food, all of that.
i still don't have a job; hopefully that will change this week. there's a movie theater that opened not too long ago so i think i'll try there. it's about 10 minutes from me, if that.
i've taken pictures some. here's one of the spider, jack, that lives outside my door. we don't talk much, he seems very moody.


other things that happened:
i think i almost died for stealing internet. a truck followed me til the end of the road as i left from sitting in my car outside his house.
i dropped my laptop and broke the top of it. it now sits crooked, but i hope i can fix it the mac store in durham.
uh...i...think that's it really.
so i'm gonna go. it's late and i still have to drive home from sara's, where i am now. i'm holding off on homework, i can tell this will be tough and full of procrastination.
i feel more insightful entries coming...i can sense my creative side flourishing.

My Apartment.

I've been living on my own since....sunday night. a very different life.
well, maybe not that much. i still wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, drive the same car...only now i do different things each day.
my apartment is definately coming together. it was a bit dirty, but i've fixed that.
my classes are going pretty well. i love my english class. the professor is awesome.
i'll put up some pictures of my apartment once i get it looking better.
gooooodbye.

Carolina Waits For Me.

in the morning i set out on a great adventure.
it will be sad for some and happy for others.
i'm still a bit mixed.
my car is loaded waiting for me to take the wheel.
tonight i sleep to gain the courage and strength.
i've been kinda numb, i feel, to this whole thing. trying to stay unemotional. tomorrow it'll all hit.
welp, here we go.

It Still Wouldn't Sink.

i'm wasting my time, when i should be packing. instead i'm doing everything to keep from doing that. something about packing is just so...unattractive.
last night was another late one w/ recording. we finished up a few more songs. i'm very pleased w/ them.
we did another one of mine. i think i may have done what i've always wanted to, which was to write a song that made your insides float. between my monotonous guitar riff and joe's infectious piano i think we've created a masterpiece. the drums aren't in it yet but i definately see how they'll help.
it's very exciting. more to come.
tonight is the luau for my youth, and also my final appearance at a Horizons event. it may be tough.
alright...i have to pack.

Up All Night.

oh my goodness. so it's now about 4:30am; adam, joe, and myself just finished up recording some songs.
be okay, tazisto, disney day, & on your head are all complete. the last one is a new one that i wrote not too long ago. it was very nice.
tomorrow evening, hopefully, we'll have another late night to finish everything up. we just need: what i want & everybody wants to rule the world. we may do a few others, we'll see.
so now i'm off to bed because i am one tuckered out boy.

Stop > Rewind > Play.

---Written August 11th---

It seems like I have had the time to really sit and think for a long time. I have so many feelings hitting me hard at once and it’s quite unbearable. Feelings that I thought I’d be over are here again. Ones I hadn’t felt before are here. New worries and new “what if’s”.

Two of my friends are getting married today. I’m the best man but I don’t feel that I should be. I’ve been so busy that other people have done everything. I’ve been really busy. I wish I could have done a better job of celebrating it. and writing speeches doesn’t come very easily to me.

I think a lot of the feelings lately have caused me to look at friendships more cynically. I see people I used to love, people who I felt loved me and I just feel nothing. I think I actually cringe a little when I see them. We’ve grown in separate directions but it doesn’t feel so sweet when our paths cross. Then there are people that I’ve known forever and it seems now, right as I’m leaving, I’m wondering why I haven’t spent more time w/ them.

No body ever knows how it ends for them; it would be so much easier. I wish I knew who I would marry, where I would live, what I’ll do for a living. I wonder if I’ll be happy and if I’ll love what I do. I hope I do. I hope I find my hole.

I just got back from kids camp this morning. That was a strange week.
Concerns about my future bubbled up. When kids ask questions it really makes you think. And I wish I could have explained it better or felt like what I said got thru. There was so much to tell some of them.
i always feel like they don’t really understand what they’re doing when they “accept Jesus” . we just pray w/ them w/o telling them what they’re doing it. it feels manipulative to me. I’d rather them know the real truth and reject it than to accept a misinterpretation.

I don’t think I know myself. I think I’m still trying to be what I think everyone wants me to be. I’m still trying to make people laugh. It doesn’t always work and I usually feel like a sore thumb.
if I were me, I’d be mean; or at least right now. I hate consequences. Thinking of other people can be a real nuisance some times.

My life changes in nine days forever. Forever is a long time. Especially when you throw out the key.

------

the wedding was awesome. i had fun. watching jon and jess say their vows really was good. i could tell how much they loved each other that day very well.
my speech went well i thought, it was short and i got choked up a bit. dancing w/ sara was a lot of fun too. we're both so white that it doesn't matter.

things seem to have sorted out some in my head. i feel very good about everything. i'll still miss a lot of stuff. there are many things that will be hard to do w/o. and everybody has things they wonder what could have happened. but they didn't so, i'm moving on. i can pick up where i am now.

this week is full of packing, cleaning, and goodbyes.

pictures coming soon - i swear.
Ladderboy.