Take It Back.

I've started this entry about five times. I do that a lot with these entries. I get an idea; something floating around my head for a little while and then I sit down to type and it's not there. Even now I'm thinking of holding down the "delete" key for 30 seconds but I will resist the urge.

________________________________

Thanksgiving night, while trying very unsuccessfully to sleep at my aunt's house, I put on the film "Doubt," starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, Meryl Streep, & Amy Adams. It's about a group of nuns who suspect their priest of having an illicit relationship with a student. In one of his sermons he tells a story that I will paraphrase. This old woman confesses to her priest that she has been gossiping. He forgives her but tells her to go home, up to her roof, tear open a pillow with a knife and to then come back to him. She does as he says and goes back. He asks what happened and she says that feathers came out. Then he tells her to pick up all of the feathers but she relies that the wind has taken them and she cannot find them all. He tells her that that is the effect of gossip.

________________________________

Well this isn't really about gossip but words in general. I've always believed in saying what I feel. I'd hate to miss out on something by holding my tongue. Part of having successful relationships is communication. But sometimes words don't go over well. I've said things that should have been dropped or avoided or kept to myself. I've said selfish things that did nothing but ruin any chance of a friendship and made me look like an ass - or at least feel like one.

It isn't that I didn't mean what I said but perhaps it just didn't need to be said. But I've had too many mornings where I regret something I've said thru a text message or email and there's no taking it back. And I wonder what they think when they see me. Do they have the same feeling I do? Of course mine is more of an embarrassment and theirs is more of annoyance. I dunno. It's sad to think that someone's opinion of you may be based on a five minute conversation. That isn't enough time to learn about a person - especially if it's comprised mostly of a mistake.

I guess what I mean to say is that I'm trying to keep my mouth shut. To be more deliberate with my words. And I suppose that's all.

________________________________

November 29th Post-Edit:

I've talked to a few people about this post and I think an important flip-side observation is that sometimes those risks prove to be worthwhile. After all, if you never said anything then think of what could be missed out on. Opportunity requires risk and vulnerability from time to time. I can think of many instances where I put things on the line and won - maybe for just a minute - but I still won something. And I learned from those experiences. At times I feel cynical due to the losses I've endured but in my honest moments I know that I've learned from them. That I understand life more. Maybe it has caused me to be more cynical but has also made me able to see so clearly when something is good. Stupid, you could call it that.

Looking Across The Fence.

There's so many different websites to join today. I've joined countless of sites that I barely use anymore - iLike and Xanga. And have Last.fm, Myspace, Twitter, Facebook and this now. I was just told about a site called Blip.fm that allows you to DJ over the internet so I'm checking it out. There's so much! I feel networkingly spread thin.

So I'm thinking of leaving this blog and moving to Tumblr. It's not official yet, I'm just trying it out. It better connects all of the various networking mediums that I am a part of. So we'll see how it works.

Follow it at www.alexskidmore.tumblr.com and see the move.

Goin' Back To Rehab.

Today was one of those days that felt productive. Perhaps it had to do with getting up earlier enough to go mail something. It's amazing how making it to the bank or post office before noon gives such an amazing level of accomplishment. I mailed a package. I didn't run a 10k or save someone's life. How ridiculous.

_______________________

Or maybe it had to do with the fact that I interviewed Mickey Avalon on my radio show today. Yeah, you heard me correctly. If you don't know who Mickey is, then I'll leave it to you to look him up on the internet. He's got a show this Wednesday in Nashville at 12th & Porter. Needless to say, I am attending and very excited. However, it will be my first hip-hip show so I'm not sure how to act at it. I'm kind of afraid. But somehow, I expect most of his fans to be beautiful women and white kids like me. Maybe I'll find my soulmate. That'd be interesting..."So where'd you meet each other?"

"Well there's this rapper who talks about prostitution, drug use, and all kinds of other immoral things. It was at one of his shows. We were singing along with him and during the line 'Puffin' white lines, sippin' warm Coors Lite,' our eyes meet and the rest is history."

_______________________

The interview was a lot of fun. Mickey is a real down to earth guy. He talked a lot more than I did and was really active in it - which always makes an interview easier. He seemed like a great guy and it make me even more excited for the show.

I also ate tons of food and saw Pirate Radio for free. That always makes for a good day.

_______________________

School is making more sense. I've thrown the idea of entertainment law around my head but we'll see about that. My major has come together a bit more and it looks I can actually be out of here next May! That's both exciting and scary as after that I have to be a grown up. It probably means moving again and starting over in many senses. In thought, that sounds okay but I know that it's difficult to do. I'm only started to feel comfortable here last Fall. That actually sounds like a long time ago but it was after having been here for a year. But now that I have friends, it feels weird to think that I may not be here in two years; that I may never see some of the people who have been here for this part of my life.

People always say how college is the prime time. It's difficult for me to see that. Maybe because I started late or never took full advantage of the opportunities that are before me. Probably the latter. I feel like I have yet to really find an adventure worth taking. I've had a couple, I suppose. But it doesn't just drop in your lap. I see that now. I think I need to go.

I Left My Burdens In Grayson, Kentucky.

I've been gone for the past weekends. Traveling to Arkansas for a friend's wedding and then home, to West Virginia. Both have proved to be needed breaks from the day to day routine that I've gotten into. Especially being home. Typically being home is great for a few days and then I'm more than ready to head back to Tennessee. But not this time. I guess I had a lot on my mind and a few things I've been struggling with. Thoughts and decisions. And I made a few of those decisions while at home and I must admit that I'm very happy with each one. I feel like I've narrowed down my plans for after I graduate - at least what sounds like a good idea at the moment. Once the decision is set in stone I'm sure it'll be made known. But for now, I'll keep it close.

__________________________________________

Relationships are interesting. I've dealt with quite a few of those in recent days. Old friends and old flames and forgotten names. There comes a point where you have to weigh some and see if it's worth the work. It's funny how ones I'd almost forgotten about have consumed my thoughts lately and how, on the other hand, ones I never thought would fade mean nothing to me. Some paths just aren't as appealing anymore and others have a familiar warmth.

__________________________________________

Sometimes I feel alone here. I mean, I'm not. But I guess I am. There are people I care about and who care about me. But when push comes to shove you realize who comes to mind and who doesn't. I'm not saying that none of these people mean anything to me. Just that I don't feel respected. Or...maybe it's not respect. But I don't feel cherished. I probably don't cross their minds too much when I fade away into myself. I guess that's okay.

Being home reminded me of the people who I do feel that for and from. I got coffee with a group of friends who really do mean the world to me. I drove around with one like a married couple. And I started a fire with another. I missed a few as I was only in town for a couple days and life gets in the way of life sometimes. But I was reminded that no matter how long I'm away and how far I go, there are people there that I truly can't imagine losing. And I learned that I haven't changed quite as much as I thought I had.