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Thanksgiving night, while trying very unsuccessfully to sleep at my aunt's house, I put on the film "Doubt," starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, Meryl Streep, & Amy Adams. It's about a group of nuns who suspect their priest of having an illicit relationship with a student. In one of his sermons he tells a story that I will paraphrase. This old woman confesses to her priest that she has been gossiping. He forgives her but tells her to go home, up to her roof, tear open a pillow with a knife and to then come back to him. She does as he says and goes back. He asks what happened and she says that feathers came out. Then he tells her to pick up all of the feathers but she relies that the wind has taken them and she cannot find them all. He tells her that that is the effect of gossip.
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Well this isn't really about gossip but words in general. I've always believed in saying what I feel. I'd hate to miss out on something by holding my tongue. Part of having successful relationships is communication. But sometimes words don't go over well. I've said things that should have been dropped or avoided or kept to myself. I've said selfish things that did nothing but ruin any chance of a friendship and made me look like an ass - or at least feel like one.
It isn't that I didn't mean what I said but perhaps it just didn't need to be said. But I've had too many mornings where I regret something I've said thru a text message or email and there's no taking it back. And I wonder what they think when they see me. Do they have the same feeling I do? Of course mine is more of an embarrassment and theirs is more of annoyance. I dunno. It's sad to think that someone's opinion of you may be based on a five minute conversation. That isn't enough time to learn about a person - especially if it's comprised mostly of a mistake.
I guess what I mean to say is that I'm trying to keep my mouth shut. To be more deliberate with my words. And I suppose that's all.
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November 29th Post-Edit:
I've talked to a few people about this post and I think an important flip-side observation is that sometimes those risks prove to be worthwhile. After all, if you never said anything then think of what could be missed out on. Opportunity requires risk and vulnerability from time to time. I can think of many instances where I put things on the line and won - maybe for just a minute - but I still won something. And I learned from those experiences. At times I feel cynical due to the losses I've endured but in my honest moments I know that I've learned from them. That I understand life more. Maybe it has caused me to be more cynical but has also made me able to see so clearly when something is good. Stupid, you could call it that.
