A Heart In Fall.

It's just another day waiting

For the sun to shine

All the leaves are falling

Just like this sad ol' tears of mine

To the ground below

They're crunching under my feet

As I walk this road alone

Trying to forget about you

But still holding onto your ghost

Yeah, you're still haunting my soul

Can't help but think of all those trees

Cold and naked without their leaves

And that's how I feel without you

Wondering if I'll make it thru this

Long Winter

I've got this bottle beside me

To help erase you from my memory

Once it's effect wears off

Left with a headache and a hole in my heart

You're still marching to the beat of your drum

Misery Loves Company

And I want you here with me

But you blew away with the leaves

While I was begging you pretty please

Just to stay with me

Because the grass will turn green

And you'll see what I mean

When the birds begin to sing

For you and me

Again

-alexander skidmore.

These Days.

I am actually quite surprised that I haven't used this title before. It is a reference to the song of the same name written by Jackson Browne and made famous by Nico and covered by artists such as St. Vincent, Denison Witmer, Elliott Smith, Mates of State, and more. I had nearly forgotten the beautiful song that was introduced to me by the even more beautiful scene in The Royal Tenenbaums until today. I was sitting outside at campus reading a book that should have been completed weeks ago in between classes.
The cold fall air was blowing on my face as I sat bundled up reading and listening to the songs of Denison Witmer when his cover of the song came into my ears.
____________________

The scene from The Royal Tenenbaums has Gwenyth Paltrow's character getting off of a bus to meet her brother played by Luke Wilson. The whole movie has a theme of missed opportunities and the fear of lossing what little is left. Perhaps that is why it is one of my favorite films. Heartbreak speaks to me because it is such a human emotion. Everyone feels it and can identify with it - and if someone can't then they aren't alive.

I suppose that this song has always fit into my love for fall and the nostalgia that it brings along. I could talk forever about fall. As the leaves are falling and curling into themselves it reminds me of the things in life that do exactly the same. It feels like a time of losing and the realization of loss and the fear that engulfs one when they begin to wonder if they'll ever have something half as good as what they lost. It is a time for lonliness and questioning. Or so that is what I always thought of regarding fall. This year it has proven true - it has been more than feeling but a part of my life.

Today this song hit me when I felt it most. It was a moment that was lost as soon as I got up from my place on the ground; it doesn't translate here now - not to give it justice at least.

There are a few different lyrical versions, so this is a combination of my favorite verses. The first two lines of the last verse and different than the other version of the last verse. Both are beautiful and desperate but this one feels right for now.
__________________________

Well I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking these days, these days
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I've had the chance to

I've stopped my rambling
I don't do too much gambling these days, these days
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway

And I had a lover
I don't think I'll risk another these days, these days
So if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long

So I'll keep on moving
And things are bound to be improving these days, one of these days
These days I sit on cornerstones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten
Don't confront me with my failures
I have not forgotten them

Tis The Season.

What is it about fall? Fall is my favorite season and to be so unhappy during it really upsets me. I guess that it's been my favorite for so long because some of my fondest memories are during this time. Memories that I will cherish forever and longings that I will long for just as long.

There's something about scarves and caps and fallen leaves that remind me of those years. I think it has to do with the smell of propane.

___________________

Tis the season is right. What is it about heartbreak around this time? It's all around - or so it seems.

That's a funny thing, or at least as funny as it can be. Broken hearts sure are a bad hand to be dealt. It reminds us of our humanity probably more than any physical injury. The crippling effect that it can have on a life. Nothing brings you to your knees harder or faster.

_____________________

I'm in a phase of moving forward. Not to say I'm giving up hope, but I'm stepping to the side because it's what I...what we need to do. It's a phase that I'd rather be nowhere near but I am. In doing so I'm rewriting some of my songs. I have songs that I love - but I can't love them at this time. Most of the songs I write have something from my life that is true but then there's a piece of fiction as well. And to play these fictional parts with the autobiographical parts makes it difficult to play these songs. Because as beautiful as they are, I cannot sing the parts that aren't true.

The situation deserves better I suppose. It should be written as it is because it is beautiful and to belittle it is an injustice.

So that's one thing I'm working on. Making some of them fit my current state a little more.

I'm also trying to find things that are mine. I'm trying to avoid music and films that were ours or have some memory in my mind.

I'm listening to Johnny Cash. It's raw and inspiring.

I've missed photography lately. I see how beautiful it is to capture something in that one moment. I wish I had captured more moments that are gone and I don't want to miss anymore.

I'm in a phase of moving forward.

__________________

Friday I am going home. I need a recharge - my batteries have been dead for weeks.

I'm Taking A Mental Health Day.

So today, the weather is with me. The rain is coming down and I'm at home - skipping my classes. It's a mental health day.
I'm cleaning things out. I'm taking down pictures, changing passwords, and I'm packing away trinkets and letters and scribbled notes that have filled my wallet and hidden in my car for the last five years. I'm putting them all in a box where I hope that, one day, they will all explode out of and find their places again.
I will miss them for they are all very dear to me - because of what they represent and who they are from.

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This is an entry I started but didn't post from August 20th, 2007:

So today marks my last day at home. well, at this home - before i make a new one. Tomorrow i move for Murfreesboro, TN. i'm really excited but i've realized how unpleasant packing is. my room has been torn apart for the past week as i've tried to pack but get bored or frustrated.
there's something about taking everything you have and leaving. it's my choice - i'm leaving because i want to. no one is making me. but i'm still leaving. and there's something there. i don't like leaving.

_______________________

That is all that I wrote that day. Home is not here in Murfreesboro. I can say that, as I've been here for over a year now. It's just a phase where I'm learning - personally. I wish I could go anywhere but here though. The pain that I've experienced here is too strong. I know that it won't stay here when I leave. How I wish it would.

If I've learned anything, it's that home really is wherever your heart is. My heart is in West Virginia. My Heart is in North Carolina. These places...I will never forget. There are too many people that I will never forget - even if we never see each other again. People that have changed my life for good and bad.

Leaving is hard - even if it's not literal. It's probably harder to leave mentally and emotionally than physically. That is what I'm trying to do. Not to leave, but to stop chasing.

It isn't what I want but it's what she wants. If I could changer her mind I would but I can't - she made it up and that's all there is to it.

I'm not sure if I can tell my heart to stop. i feel that my body and mind have stopped running due to exhaustion days - maybe weeks - ago. but my heart keeps on going. I don't know if I can bare to tell him it's over. I'm afraid of what that may mean - for all of us. I don't want it to be over but I know it is, at least for right now. I don't want to give up.
I can't help but wonder if this could have been avoided. If we had talked about us more...or...anything.
I still can't say what I think and feel to the extent that I do. I've said things that I wish I hadn't said and probably not said things I wish I had.
I can't communicate the extremity that I want this to work out - the extremity to which I believe in us and that we could have a good life together.
It was so sweet. I hope it wasn't one-sided. I hope it's something that she will someday see worth fighting for; I'd live in the trenches with her. But I can't be there alone. It's a two-sided commitment. It's 50/50.

It's a difficult thing - knowing what you want and not being able to have it; thinking that you both want the same thing for so long only to find out that it isn't the case at all.

The Poison.

The poison makes its way through my body slowly
Into the pleasure centers of my brain
If you were here I would admit that I'm an asshole
But now it’s over and I can’t stay sober
Though it isn't like I tried

And on the front porch, or on an airplane on vacation
Or out for dinner in a nearby town
I was so proud just to have you sitting with me
But now it’s over and I can’t stay sober
Pour and swallow
Follow one shot with another
I'll keep on till you agree to come back over
Or until there are X's on my eyes

My old man always swore that hell would have no flame
Just a front row seat
To watch your true love pack her things and drive away


- Pedro The Lion.

Everything Reminds Me of Her / Everything Means Nothing To Me

A lack of motivation is a bad thing. it really is, when the desire to do the things that someone loves to do are completely gone.

and it's all the source of one thing - it's the one thing that i can't do. the only thing i'm motivated to do is unavailable so why bother with anything else?

even as i write this i think, "what is the use? this doesn't matter. it won't help me get what i want." when you lose something you realize how important it is and it makes everything pale in comparison.

even the things that I love. like playing guitar and writing. i pick it up and it just feels useless. because there is something that i love so many times more than that and that is where i would rather be.

It is hard to imagine a time from now that it will be different. to think that this storm, this...complete blackness will someday disappear. but i'm afraid of that will mean. what makes a storm go away? what turns blackness into light? i'm afraid that i'll just become numb to it. or forget. that it won't end the way i want it to. because that is the only way i can see it ending and the only way i want it to end.

i'm tired of this broken heart. i'm ready for a new one. the problem is that they don't give transplants to people who are going to continue the action that destroyed the first one.

if there was a "quit" button - i think i'd push it.