Even tonight rain turns to snow and traps people in their homes, sure to have tomorrow off. My house is no different. Tetsuo, a band consisting of two of my roommates and four friends, is hard at work in the basement. I can hear the discussion echoing it's way up to my room thru the ductwork that snakes from room to room, interrupted from time to time only by loud bass thumps that rattle the nails or a full band take that shakes the foundation.
Another group of friends is preparing for their show, which is down the road. The snow should make for a cozy setting.
And that is where I'm headed very soon.
______________________________
Each year brings on a wave of remorse. I think of the last year and what I've done and how stupid I've been. I think of all the times where I failed, sat back, or didn't care. Or even worse, a time when I acted, but with inept motions. I should have moved more. And I mean that both figuratively and physically. I let my brain take it easy a lot over the last year. And I did that by not really going anywhere. I've always been a home body and probably will, to some extent. But I should be out more. I did see New York in October but those five days hardly made up for a year.
But I know that most of it is in my head. I've done a lot of things - just not anything that matters to me. I don't feel that I've grown much. Like a plant that gets too much shade during the summer.
______________________________
I understand how people fall into ruts and it's a wonder anyone ever gets out of them. I hope that I get out of mine, whether it's internal or the other. It's time for me to wake up. It's time for me to step out and be in the world. I've hidden for far too long now.
I hope that I don't forget what makes me happy and that I can get my hands on it again. There are too many distractions floating around.
And I wonder what I'll think, when I'm older, about the life I've led here. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think about the past. I hope it's that I feel I've grown from this time and that I'm nowhere near the same. I don't want everything to change. But I don't want to feel that I've only moved laterally.
______________________________
But I know that I have grown. I'm a much different person than last year and the year before. I've had courses in school and I've worked at the radio station. I even had a few lessons in love. I know that things I thought a year ago have changed. Not all; some have stayed exactly the same, only having more weight behind them. But in the end, I recognize that I have more questions than answers and the answers all seem fake.
Maybe it's that I don't feel I've grown in the way that I think people have expected me to. I hope that I don't always view myself as some sort of disappointment to the crowd I came from. I want to make them proud. And maybe I feel that way more than I should.
Maybe I'm afraid that I've changed too much. That I've left something by the road and I can't decide whether or not to go back.
I've come to believe more and more that it's really about being proud of yourself. Because if you can't live with yourself, then who can you live with?
