All Is Fleeting, But All Is Good.

This post is a long time coming. It's been on the tip of mind and fingers for awhile, but even now it is not fully conceived. I have theories as to why I feel this way. Some are more true than others. But I don't want to continue this. Largely due to a lack of inspiration and even more so to the fact that I'm tired of this voice.
I've been doubting and questioning my thoughts of life and love for sometime. I no longer wish to focus on what I've focused on thru these writings. I'm tired of beating my chest to fill the void that my heart has left.
I'm not up to the vulnerability required to do so. So this will be the final post until I discover a new voice or find the confidence in myself and ability to trust enough to share my heart.
_______________________

I have come to accept that plans really are just hopes and wishes. And even when the skies are clear and the water is smooth, we can capsize and drown. and I'm okay with the fact that nothing is certain. To accept my lack of control is more comforting than anything.

Someone told me that people are unreliable and undependable. She was right. I've been fighting between these two extremes of swearing off love and then realizing how beautiful it is - even when it's broken. We were made to love. But how can we love if we can't be loved? If we can't open our hearts and let someone see and hold it - knowing full well that they could destroy us - what is the point? And I believe that that is how you learn to love. Once you let someone in and experience the abandonment you have to decide if it's worth it to do all over again. I believe it is.

Oh when the wild was all covered by snow,
I forgot the colours that the grass tend to grow.
Oh the trees were all leafless,
And lifeless and black,
And I wondered if the leaves could grow back.

For your heart is like a flower as it grows,
And its the rain, not just the sun that helps it bloom.
And you don't know how it feels to be alive,
Until you know how it feels to die.

- Noah & The Whale.

What Are You Looking For?

This post is being done as a request. And comments are necessary for it to serve it's purpose.

There seems to be a strong pattern forming wherein college students and young adults are leaving the church. Maybe it's just that they finally have the freedom to do what they want and that includes skipping out on church.

But I think it's deeper than that - that they aren't finding what they hope to there. I think so because I have felt that myself.

I've also seen young adult/college ministry after another fall to the wayside because no one showed up. 

So what is it that we want? What do we truly desire for and from the church? What is missing, what is wrong? What are we looking for? What are YOU looking for?

I invite comments by the plenty here as it is not just for my amusement but will be looked at and considered.

________________

Here are some guidelines for commenting to follow:

* Do NOT name churches, ministries, or people. We are not looking to cut anything down.

* Do NOT be negative. Sure, you can show your frustrations but don't be a jerk.

* This isn't to start arguments. The goal is to learn what is needed to reengage this group.

If you wish to remain anonymous, you can do so by posting on the original post. Just choose "name/url" and choose an alias to maintain for this post - just in case you decide to make multiple posts.

Also, comments from facebook will be re-posted to the original post and vice versa to keep it all together.

Wipe Off The Blood and Pick Out The Rocks.

Last night I was standing, listening to Calexico and I drifted into space. I was there but not quite paying attention. I thought of scars and how many I have at my age.

Scars are really an interesting reminder of a fascinating ability that our bodies have. But they also remind us of the wounds and pain we've felt in our past.

I remember most of the causes of my scars. The scars on my lip are probably the root cause of my strong disliking for dogs. The long scar on my right upper arm is from the summer that I did construction with some friends. The three small scars on my right forearm are from my sister's incredibly dangerous fingernails from our childhood years.

There are the countless scars on my knees from bicycle wrecks and scars on my right hand from who knows what. And when I go up stairs or jump my left knee pops. And not that it's a scar, but it reminds me of this past summer and what it was to me.

The scar on my chin will always remind me of someone from my past. I remember her coming to the hospital to see me. I knew that she was worried even though it wasn't all that serious, granted my twisting around on the ground probably looked pretty bad. Regardless of why, it reminds me of my time with her, long ago.

But there aren't just physical scars - there are emotional scars. And I think that this type lasts longer. It's the harm we do to people that pierces more than just flesh that sticks. Intentional or not, it scraps our soul and leaves us feeling abandoned, alone, weak, unwanted, or undeserving. And you can't just stand up and brush that off - Neosporin doesn't absorb that deep. The only way to heal those wounds is to let nature and time take it's course.

My only concern is that when those wounds heal, do they leave scar tissue? Does it leave you numb to pain and unable or unwilling to reconnect to people? to trust them? I suppose they do. Imagine putting all of yourself into something - someone - and to then have it mean nothing. Five months ago it was my life and now there's barely a trace...just a faint scent in the breeze that I can almost put my finger on, but it's gone before I can.

It's like falling off of a bike, I suppose...

Lost At Sea.

I wrote this:

You flew off in the morning
You said you'd come back for me
But I lost you somewhere over the sea

Everyone keeps telling me
How I should move on
But there's nowhere else that I belong

I begged her not to go
She said it wouldn't take long
But now the weeks turn one by one


The newspaper read "Three found dead"
One the pilot, two was you, and three is me


now that you're gone
it might as well be me
who's out there drifting, lost at sea

Not Enough.

This is a reworked version of a song I wrote a year or so ago.

__________________
I remember walking down that road
Holding hands in winter's cold
And dancing at the sight of snow
You held me tight like it was your life
Or maybe the temperature was too low, I don't know
But you were frozen to my coat

Don't you remember laying on your floor
Hardly touching for summer's torch, when you
rolled on me and said:
Why don't you kiss me like you did back when
I was fifteen and we had just began?
Oh it was something from a magazine

There were times that we hid our love
Times it shone like the moon above
And there were days it would outshine the sun
Then you told me that you had to go
You tried to explain, guess I still don't know
Something about missing your boat


I've been lonely since you left my side
But it will pass like your boat in the tide
With time you will fade from my mind
And someday I'll find mine

Now all that I've got are the memories we shared
But that's not enough - No, they don't compare
To your lips on mine or my hands thru your hair
No, that's not enough - I wish you were here


Will you think of me?
When it's late and you can't sleep?
Cos I'll be awake, dreaming of you

-Alexander Skidmore.

Is God In Control?

It's election night and Obama has been declared the winner due to the overwhelming results that have come in so far.

I will start by saying that I voted for McCain and I'm not ashamed to say that. Yes, I voted based on my moral stance as I believe that to be an important view to take as a Christian. Looking at situations in the Bible, it is easy to see that the first thing to go the window whenever the Israelites turned away from God were their morals. And for that reason, I can't understand putting those moral issues aside while voting for the leader of our country.

More importantly - I think everyone needs to realize that it is our right as Americans to vote for what we as INDIVIDUALS support and believe - whether it be a particular health care plan or your stance on gay marriage.

Also - my moral issues where not the only issue I looked at. I disagree with Obama's health care plan and as a member of a middle class white American family I am concerned by his tax ideas.

So McCain was the better man for the job, in my opinion. You are allowed to have your own - Just as I am.

Well to get to my point, first I want to say that - while I am disappointed that Obama won - I hope he does a good job. I hope he rises to the occasion and leads this country to a better place in our own existence and in foreign affairs. I do not know - nor does anyone else - how the next four years will go. We have our ideas that are based on what we've seen in his past - but we do not know what will actually happen.

As for the main point, here it is. Is God in control? I mean, yes I believe that He is in control of all things. but that doesn't mean He is sitting around with strings and pulling things into existence. Sometimes His control is sitting by and letting us do what we want. Look at how many times the Israelites strayed from his plan! So am I to think that no matter who we as a nation choose as our leader, God will take care of us? I don't believe that because I believe in the free will that we are given as humans to do what we want without the interference of God. He has no responsibility to watch out for us - especially if we do not follow His will.

I do not believe that everything that happens is part of God's plan. I do believe that God can turn anything around for His glory. But your dog getting hit by a car isn't part of God's plan. Get my point?

I am not saying that voting for Obama goes against God's will. I don't know His will. God is not a Republican or a Democrat.

So for God to be in control - we as his church, as his bride, must pray for His guidance; for Him to guide our leaders to do what is right. And even if our leaders do not follow God's plan - We must follow it in our own lives. The kingdom of man has no jurisdiction in the Kingdom of Heaven. which is more important to you?


oh, and by the way - Obama is not the antichrist you crazies.

(But he's not the savior either.)

Where I Am?

Nothing could ring more true to how I feel tonight. I am nowhere near where I want to be. And nowhere seems to want me.

I suppose that it would look like this picture; a small town by the sea where I could sit and feel the cool ocean breeze and not have any kind of worry and nowhere to be, but where ever my feet take me.

But I feel that my feet are in concrete and everything is settling down - not a good settling mind you. But a settling nonetheless. At the same time it seems that everything is whizzing by me. I'm the boy who I once was, picking at grass in the outfield as fly balls are landing around me. I am missing things and people are starting to drop their heads. I guess I don't care much anymore.

I'm tired of failing classes and having no money. I'm tired - and frustrated - with myself; for not picking myself up and getting back in the game. All motivation - what little I had - to do something is becoming a small blur in the distance. Perhaps it's a mirage and was never really there at all.

If I had a chance to walk away from where I am right now, I would pick up my mat and walk. It's just that it's pretty hard to do that when you're breaking your own legs.

A Heart In Fall.

It's just another day waiting

For the sun to shine

All the leaves are falling

Just like this sad ol' tears of mine

To the ground below

They're crunching under my feet

As I walk this road alone

Trying to forget about you

But still holding onto your ghost

Yeah, you're still haunting my soul

Can't help but think of all those trees

Cold and naked without their leaves

And that's how I feel without you

Wondering if I'll make it thru this

Long Winter

I've got this bottle beside me

To help erase you from my memory

Once it's effect wears off

Left with a headache and a hole in my heart

You're still marching to the beat of your drum

Misery Loves Company

And I want you here with me

But you blew away with the leaves

While I was begging you pretty please

Just to stay with me

Because the grass will turn green

And you'll see what I mean

When the birds begin to sing

For you and me

Again

-alexander skidmore.

These Days.

I am actually quite surprised that I haven't used this title before. It is a reference to the song of the same name written by Jackson Browne and made famous by Nico and covered by artists such as St. Vincent, Denison Witmer, Elliott Smith, Mates of State, and more. I had nearly forgotten the beautiful song that was introduced to me by the even more beautiful scene in The Royal Tenenbaums until today. I was sitting outside at campus reading a book that should have been completed weeks ago in between classes.
The cold fall air was blowing on my face as I sat bundled up reading and listening to the songs of Denison Witmer when his cover of the song came into my ears.
____________________

The scene from The Royal Tenenbaums has Gwenyth Paltrow's character getting off of a bus to meet her brother played by Luke Wilson. The whole movie has a theme of missed opportunities and the fear of lossing what little is left. Perhaps that is why it is one of my favorite films. Heartbreak speaks to me because it is such a human emotion. Everyone feels it and can identify with it - and if someone can't then they aren't alive.

I suppose that this song has always fit into my love for fall and the nostalgia that it brings along. I could talk forever about fall. As the leaves are falling and curling into themselves it reminds me of the things in life that do exactly the same. It feels like a time of losing and the realization of loss and the fear that engulfs one when they begin to wonder if they'll ever have something half as good as what they lost. It is a time for lonliness and questioning. Or so that is what I always thought of regarding fall. This year it has proven true - it has been more than feeling but a part of my life.

Today this song hit me when I felt it most. It was a moment that was lost as soon as I got up from my place on the ground; it doesn't translate here now - not to give it justice at least.

There are a few different lyrical versions, so this is a combination of my favorite verses. The first two lines of the last verse and different than the other version of the last verse. Both are beautiful and desperate but this one feels right for now.
__________________________

Well I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking these days, these days
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I've had the chance to

I've stopped my rambling
I don't do too much gambling these days, these days
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway

And I had a lover
I don't think I'll risk another these days, these days
So if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long

So I'll keep on moving
And things are bound to be improving these days, one of these days
These days I sit on cornerstones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten
Don't confront me with my failures
I have not forgotten them

Tis The Season.

What is it about fall? Fall is my favorite season and to be so unhappy during it really upsets me. I guess that it's been my favorite for so long because some of my fondest memories are during this time. Memories that I will cherish forever and longings that I will long for just as long.

There's something about scarves and caps and fallen leaves that remind me of those years. I think it has to do with the smell of propane.

___________________

Tis the season is right. What is it about heartbreak around this time? It's all around - or so it seems.

That's a funny thing, or at least as funny as it can be. Broken hearts sure are a bad hand to be dealt. It reminds us of our humanity probably more than any physical injury. The crippling effect that it can have on a life. Nothing brings you to your knees harder or faster.

_____________________

I'm in a phase of moving forward. Not to say I'm giving up hope, but I'm stepping to the side because it's what I...what we need to do. It's a phase that I'd rather be nowhere near but I am. In doing so I'm rewriting some of my songs. I have songs that I love - but I can't love them at this time. Most of the songs I write have something from my life that is true but then there's a piece of fiction as well. And to play these fictional parts with the autobiographical parts makes it difficult to play these songs. Because as beautiful as they are, I cannot sing the parts that aren't true.

The situation deserves better I suppose. It should be written as it is because it is beautiful and to belittle it is an injustice.

So that's one thing I'm working on. Making some of them fit my current state a little more.

I'm also trying to find things that are mine. I'm trying to avoid music and films that were ours or have some memory in my mind.

I'm listening to Johnny Cash. It's raw and inspiring.

I've missed photography lately. I see how beautiful it is to capture something in that one moment. I wish I had captured more moments that are gone and I don't want to miss anymore.

I'm in a phase of moving forward.

__________________

Friday I am going home. I need a recharge - my batteries have been dead for weeks.

I'm Taking A Mental Health Day.

So today, the weather is with me. The rain is coming down and I'm at home - skipping my classes. It's a mental health day.
I'm cleaning things out. I'm taking down pictures, changing passwords, and I'm packing away trinkets and letters and scribbled notes that have filled my wallet and hidden in my car for the last five years. I'm putting them all in a box where I hope that, one day, they will all explode out of and find their places again.
I will miss them for they are all very dear to me - because of what they represent and who they are from.

_________________________

This is an entry I started but didn't post from August 20th, 2007:

So today marks my last day at home. well, at this home - before i make a new one. Tomorrow i move for Murfreesboro, TN. i'm really excited but i've realized how unpleasant packing is. my room has been torn apart for the past week as i've tried to pack but get bored or frustrated.
there's something about taking everything you have and leaving. it's my choice - i'm leaving because i want to. no one is making me. but i'm still leaving. and there's something there. i don't like leaving.

_______________________

That is all that I wrote that day. Home is not here in Murfreesboro. I can say that, as I've been here for over a year now. It's just a phase where I'm learning - personally. I wish I could go anywhere but here though. The pain that I've experienced here is too strong. I know that it won't stay here when I leave. How I wish it would.

If I've learned anything, it's that home really is wherever your heart is. My heart is in West Virginia. My Heart is in North Carolina. These places...I will never forget. There are too many people that I will never forget - even if we never see each other again. People that have changed my life for good and bad.

Leaving is hard - even if it's not literal. It's probably harder to leave mentally and emotionally than physically. That is what I'm trying to do. Not to leave, but to stop chasing.

It isn't what I want but it's what she wants. If I could changer her mind I would but I can't - she made it up and that's all there is to it.

I'm not sure if I can tell my heart to stop. i feel that my body and mind have stopped running due to exhaustion days - maybe weeks - ago. but my heart keeps on going. I don't know if I can bare to tell him it's over. I'm afraid of what that may mean - for all of us. I don't want it to be over but I know it is, at least for right now. I don't want to give up.
I can't help but wonder if this could have been avoided. If we had talked about us more...or...anything.
I still can't say what I think and feel to the extent that I do. I've said things that I wish I hadn't said and probably not said things I wish I had.
I can't communicate the extremity that I want this to work out - the extremity to which I believe in us and that we could have a good life together.
It was so sweet. I hope it wasn't one-sided. I hope it's something that she will someday see worth fighting for; I'd live in the trenches with her. But I can't be there alone. It's a two-sided commitment. It's 50/50.

It's a difficult thing - knowing what you want and not being able to have it; thinking that you both want the same thing for so long only to find out that it isn't the case at all.

The Poison.

The poison makes its way through my body slowly
Into the pleasure centers of my brain
If you were here I would admit that I'm an asshole
But now it’s over and I can’t stay sober
Though it isn't like I tried

And on the front porch, or on an airplane on vacation
Or out for dinner in a nearby town
I was so proud just to have you sitting with me
But now it’s over and I can’t stay sober
Pour and swallow
Follow one shot with another
I'll keep on till you agree to come back over
Or until there are X's on my eyes

My old man always swore that hell would have no flame
Just a front row seat
To watch your true love pack her things and drive away


- Pedro The Lion.

Everything Reminds Me of Her / Everything Means Nothing To Me

A lack of motivation is a bad thing. it really is, when the desire to do the things that someone loves to do are completely gone.

and it's all the source of one thing - it's the one thing that i can't do. the only thing i'm motivated to do is unavailable so why bother with anything else?

even as i write this i think, "what is the use? this doesn't matter. it won't help me get what i want." when you lose something you realize how important it is and it makes everything pale in comparison.

even the things that I love. like playing guitar and writing. i pick it up and it just feels useless. because there is something that i love so many times more than that and that is where i would rather be.

It is hard to imagine a time from now that it will be different. to think that this storm, this...complete blackness will someday disappear. but i'm afraid of that will mean. what makes a storm go away? what turns blackness into light? i'm afraid that i'll just become numb to it. or forget. that it won't end the way i want it to. because that is the only way i can see it ending and the only way i want it to end.

i'm tired of this broken heart. i'm ready for a new one. the problem is that they don't give transplants to people who are going to continue the action that destroyed the first one.

if there was a "quit" button - i think i'd push it.

The Crash.

Lately I've written quite a few songs - probably the most ever in the shortest amount of time. The last post, Stars, was one of those. There is another that I haven't posted yet. We'll see. But this one I started last night and finished this morning.
It is inspired by a Nooma video titled Rain. Nooma videos, for those of you who don't know, are short devotional videos by pastor and author, Rob Bell.
This one is about how God is there for us during those hard times; during the storms that inevitably come. We may question why we go thru tough situations; it could be a test or it could just be life. But if we let Him, God shows us how he loves us and how sweet is that?

_______________________________________

I feel the rain on my nose
Seeping in thru my toes
I don't think I can
Get back home
Before it washes me down
And leaves me waiting on the ground
For a sun that may never come to
Dry me out

Will you hold me in your arms tonight
Whisper to me that I'll be alright
Could you please hold me tight
I want to feel your heart beat in mine

The crash of waves on my house
Boards are cracking; nails lifting out
Should of listened the first time around, am I
Gonna drown?
The wind is knocking at my door
Water's coming up thru my floor
Oh Lord, it doesn't work on my own
Anymore

Will you hold me in your arms tonight
Whisper to me that I'll be alright
Could you please hold me tight
I want to feel your heart beat in mine

Will you hold me in your arms tonight
Whisper to me that I'll be alright
Would you calm the storms in my life, in the
Midst of darkness will you be my light
Could you please hold me tight
I want to feel you heart beat in mine

Stars.

Woke in the morning with the sun rising into the eastern sky
Your light's so bright I couldn't help but squint my bloodshot eyes

Just a reminder of a brand new day
Would ya mind to go the hell away
There's still too much that i cannot face
At least let me finish my fall from grace


But I know the stars won't stop shining or the earth spinning 'round
Just because a guy like me's broken down

I want to tell you everything
That's flooding out of my heart and exploding from my brain
But I've said enough and you know what I think
God knows I don't want to push you away


Once the sun sets tonight I think that I'll be okay
Since tomorrow is a brand new day

I won't let this get in my way
If you decide to come back and stay
I'll be waiting with open arms
Oh baby, how I miss those stars

The Cycle.

It's a bad feeling - having your heart heavy with words. There is so much that I wish to say but this is neither the time nor the place for it.

At times my mind would go blank when confronted with some situation that I did not want to deal with. I would stay silent and reply with soft or childish "I don't know"'s. I know how frustrating that can be, to want - almost need or crave - a real response and get nothing.

But now that I'm stuck in a situation that cannot  be ignored for its utter importance to my being, I cannot stop thinking. My heart churns, sucking power from my brain, canceling all of my its involuntary functions.

Trying to hold my preconceived thoughts and desires, I fail and they explode from me - covering you.

It is too much for one person to deal with. It is too much for you, but before I can grab a towel to wipe you off, you are gone.

So I sit by the window, watching the rain come my way, thinking of what I should have said.

I am the King of France.

Rather Than write new posts, I'm retreating to my drafts folder. Most of those are unfinished and were not put up because of that or some reason. But I figure, why not? This one comes from March 6th, 2008.

What have i learned in the last few days? that's a good question. i've learned that i am high maintenance. by that i require cleanliness. i require a bed - that is comfortable, and space when i sleep. i can be pretty selfish. in that way, i suppose i am like an old man. i'm grumpy. i don't like to get out of my skin, it's hard for me to be spontaneous and do something that would probably be pretty fun. i use jokes to avoid answering heavy questions.

__________________________________

so it's spring break. i'm in north carolina w/ sara. we're leaving tomorrow after her class for tennessee. she's spending a bit of her spring break w/ me. it's been nice. 

i've put off a paper that i don't quite know how to write. it's due monday. i have no desire to complete it.

__________________________________

last night i experienced rock's equivalent to bebop jazz. most of the crowd seemed to have no idea of how to respond to it. i responded by keeping sara's hands from applauding and holding my head in my hands. i did not like it.

__________________________________

everyone has baggage. it's just something that happens as time goes on. some people can run faster with their baggage than others. baggage is different. but eventually everyone reaches a point in their life where they must choose their baggage or their train.

________Postscript____________________

It's always easier to hold onto what we're used to; what's familiar. There is comfort in the familiar. We recognize our place and how we fit into it, like an old worn in mattress. it may be broken or stained - maybe it needs replaced. but it is still comfortable and safe.

Losing that comfort is hard  but we learn from it. There are times that we want to run back into it even if it isn't the right thing to do. but with time, we realize why we hung onto it; why we lost our grip; or why we let go.

maybe we even learn that we don't need it, or that we're better off without it.

perhaps we will always miss the feel of the old leather handle in our hands and realize that it is the best thing out there.

and if we're lucky, we'll find it in the ditch right where we left it - but that's a risk we have to take.

No Closer To Any Kind of Truth.

My mood as of late can be described perfectly by the music that has surrounded me. At least that's how I feel. Perhaps it's just the somber tone of the music or something that they are saying. I suppose it's a bit of both.

I just bought Conor Oberst's, of Bright Eyes, new self titled and have probably listened to it twenty times thru already. It's beautiful.

__________________

My life has changed drastically in the last few weeks, even days. I'm not sure how it all will work out. Can one ever really know that?

No one knows anything. I just feel like there's so much left to chance.

In the Death Cab for Cutie song "Bixby Canyon Bridge" Ben Gibbard writes about his experience of chasing the end of Jack Kerouac's rope trying to figure out life.  There's a line that says: 

I want to know my fate,

If I keep up this way.

By the end of the song he's realized that you can't know your fate - not even Kerouac did.

I've identified with that song specifically because I've been in that spot for awhile. I'm at a point where I'm trying to figure out what to do, what I want. Really, we're always figuring out life; never knowing what's just around the bend. And the beautifully sad part about it all is that the world goes on no matter what happens to us. We're only here for just a blip of time and think of how long the universe has gotten along without you? I think it's only human to want to make a lasting mark. I don't want to be just a blip. I'm starting to believe that once someone stops trying to make a mark and begins to simply live life for others rather than themselves that they have grown up; once they come to terms with the fact that they'll be dust in the ground.

And like the moon doesn't mind if the sun doesn't shine,

The sea doesn't care if you're lonesome tonight...

Many messengers and rebels have come and gone without a trace,

And many more will come tomorrow and many more will be erased.

Man O' War - Eric Bachmann

__________________

I've thought of death a lot lately. Not as a morbid fascination but as a part of life. This past weekend I lost someone that I respected immensely. I wish that I had known him better - isn't that always a feeling after someone dies?

The other day I had a thought, while thinking of a line from a Beulah song that says: 

I sit at this table and I stare at these hands. 

Everyday they grow to look a little more like my dad's.

And I trace these veins that run up and down my arms.

From where I'm sitting, I trace sixty more years.

The thought was the only man I have in my life now is my father - and I won't have him forever. And once he is gone, who will be there to teach me? There are so many things that I still have to learn. I've missed so many opportunities to learn from people that are now gone. I don't want to miss those times with my father. I want to know his dreams and opinions, what makes him tick. What kind of person would I be to not know my family - the people who came before me and care for me? And just as much, I want him to know who I really am. In the last couple years I have gotten to know him more. I've read his writings, seen his pictures, and held the treasures from all over his years. I am grateful for that - for the chance to know my father.

________________

These are some lyrics I've written lately that have been in my head and heart:

Here comes the rain, I can feel it in my legs

With each pop washing cartilage away.

Feeling older with each drop upon my shoulder,

Not sure how much more I can take.

I don't know how much time I've got,

But I know that it can't be a lot.

I won't spend it with my head in my hands,

Wondering what could have been.

All I can hope is to wake in the morning,

And watch the sun rise again,

And to stare into your eyes,

And see a new day begin.

I could live with "What if"'s and "If I could I would of"'s,

But that won't get me very far.

If I spend my time looking at the past and not the road ahead,

Well, oh my darling, I'm sure to fall.

Awake On Dreams.

Whew. I can't quite sigh complete relief as Burrito Bros. Flying Youth Camp starts (for me) tomorrow. But so much of what has been on my plate for this past week is over and done with.

I played guitar tonight in front of people for the first time in at least six months. I can't believe that I don't do that more often as it is simply the most fulfilling thing I've done in my life. Oddly, it is mostly for me.

Compliments on my songwriting still amaze me. I can't believe that people enjoy something that I created. I try so hard to write good songs because I know that there is a lot of garbage out there. Music that either is great musically, great lyrically, one or the other, or both. And I want to write pieces that are both. I don't wanna be another person putting out worthless music. I want to be to someone what songwriters I look up to are to me. Inspiration.

I've recently stated my opinion on blogging. It's something that I had a knack for back in the day. I had something to say - at least I thought that I did. But I feel so empty right now; answerless. What I have to say isn't important or knowledgeable. It's just something I think for a brief moment. Maybe that's alright.

The new albums by Death Cab For Cutie and Coldplay have come out and both are great. Death Cabs is simply amazing. Benjamin Gibbard's lyrics cease to amaze and inspire me. The stories that he tells in three to five minutes  beautifully detail feelings of imperfection in human nature. They're so honest.

Coldplay's album is very good as well. There's something very different about it from their previous albums. I still haven't gotten to know it as well as DCFC's new one, but I'm enjoying it more and more.

Anyway, I'm up this late because I'm working on a video for camp. So I need to get to work.

The Old Familiar Things Are Mostly All Gone.

It's another hot day in Tennessee - too hot for my taste. So I spend my time inside meandering from one time killer to another. It's been a long time since my last post - not that I haven't tried. I'm accumulating a hefty collection of unpublished drafts on this thing. They don't make it past the initial moment of inspiration so they die in the process. maybe someday...

Mostly I feel that I've lost something within me. Maybe before, I thought that I had all of the answers so I could say all kinds of stuff, overflowing. But I realize that I don't know everything. And how many times can one person say that?

Today the last seasonal EP by Jon Foreman came out, logically named Summer. It's pretty good. They each have their moments. Fall is my favorite. Winter and Spring are both good too...it's too hard to decide.

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I'm currently done with classes. I had a class during May and another one in July, so I'm off for a few more weeks. My class in May was interesting. It was a history class but unlike I've ever experienced. It was this discussion based class how we interact with other people for the most part. The class self-segregated so that half of the  class was white and other half black, w/ a few of the other mixed in. It was interesting to say the least. race walls were torn down as we asked each other questions and laughed at our stereotypes. It was a harmonious world for the most part. once in awhile something would be said to get one person fired up, but it was always extinguished. It also served as an eye-opening class as I heard stories of how racism and prejudices are still alive today. It was a question-raising one as well. I had to examine what I believe to be true in many spots. Some of those answers are still floating around.

Growing Old: Static to Stagnant.

I'm tired. and I should be because it is 2:02 am. More than being tired, I should be studying for my exam that is at 10:20 am. This class should be taken seriously, which is less than how it is. But I'm tired of more than being awake. Actually that may be a good description of it.

I'm in a mood to listen to sad beautiful songs such as "The Temptation of Adam" by Josh Ritter, Eric Bachmann, Jon Foreman, or Denison Witmer. I don't want loud music.

I listen to Bachmann, Foreman, and Ritter's amazing story-like lyrics and I settle down into my mood. This is the mood that I would use to describe me. Maybe nostalgic isn't quite the right word. It's more of a feeling of just thinking. I imagine myself on a swing in late fall just looking over my life and reliving the stories that I've had. actually, I guess that is nostalgia. But it's not of my life - it's the life that I live thru these songs.

I don't see beauty like I used to. I miss photography and finding the beauty out of the brokenness of things. That always made me feel better.

This is an old picture that I came across today.

Cause nothing here ever changes

It's the same old thing everyday

Don't you know little birdie

You're the only one worth your weight

- Little Bird by Eric Bachmann

Way Back in the Shire.

Yesterday was a beautiful day for a bicycle ride. That actually went thru my head on my way home from class yesterday. I was listening to Nick Drake's album Pink Moon and riding slower than normal. There was no hurry. The wind washed over my face like cleansing rain.

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I'd been in one of routine funks lately. It may be a cause of being alone - after having been surrounded my people for a couple weeks and my roommate moving out. I spilled myself all over the floor - and it wasn't until after that cleansing that i finally felt motivated to pick myself back up.

I have to thank my bicycle for that. I took her for granted. She gave me the little bit of exercise I do, more money not being spent on gas, more time outside, and moments like the above. Sadly, it appears to be my last, as she was stolen from my patio last night. It's my fault for forgetting to lock her up, but I never expected someone to steal her. But if I never get her back, (which I highly doubt) then at least the last ride was memorable. Perhaps the thief will have a similar experience (or break their arm in an accident). I'd still like her back though.

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One of my professors used the title phrase, or something resembling it, in class on Tuesday. Since then it's been in my head. I get this feeling of natural purity and innocence. Back to this time when things weren't corrupt. When you could walk barefoot in the yard or swim naked in the river. We no longer live in that world.

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Today is a bit darker. I am out of my funk and intend on cleaning my apartment. The spilling out was not merely a metaphor. But I will do so while remembering my bicycle and remembering the shire.

Ramblin' Man.

So after narrowly escaping the grasp of a wicked cold, I am slowly climbing out of the pile of tissues. and i feel good. still congested, but good. i don't really have a lot going for me, but i'm very happy. i'm happy with sara, i'm happy with new music. i like my classes, i get to ride my bike on days like today.

today was beautiful. wasn't it? i think most everyone in the east had a good day today. not too cold, a nice breeze, a little overcast. i enjoyed it quite a lot. riding my bike today was rough tho. i think the wind the was blowing against me with all of it's might and it won. the wind is a jerk.

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i've been ruined lately with this over abundance of new (mostly good) music lately. i love it tho. i don't think i could ever have enough of it. okay, here we go:

albums that i've gotten either by purchase or other undisclosed methods:

Nada Surf - lucky

Chris Walla - field manual

Jack Johnson - sleep through the static

Georgie James - Places

Menomena - Friend and Foe

a mish-mash of M. Ward

Coconut Records - Nighttiming

Juno: Official Soundtrack

and there's so much more that i just can't list cos it would be like deb's top 100 list. i can't stop. anyone that knows me knows that i have a problem. did you know that i have upwards of 400 CDs? well, i do. and that just what i find good enough to put into carrying cases. there's about 30 albums sitting on my floor that will not fit and at least 50 at home in a box because...well, let's just say i don't know what i was thinking.

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i feel like i'm a rare breed these days. does anyone buy CDs anymore? i obviously do. there's something about supporting artists - first and foremost. and i definitely buy albums if i deem them necessary to my collection. so people that buy on iTunes or some other service like that - props.

and i will admit that i do download albums by other means. usually i'll download them to see if i like them, because as a college student who is already melting his money away, i need to make wise purchases. and everyone knows that there is a lot of just...not good music.

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Something i keep hearing is that artists today do not make albums to sell as a whole album. in an iTunes world, or a 'singles' world, that is all that is made. people don't  buy the whole thing just the pieces they like. i think that's sad. there's just something about having a whole album. it's like a whole pie. as a kid i would always throw that card like 'if i can't have two then i don't want any." sometimes i feel that way with albums. that's not saying that if i do not like the whole album i wouldn't obtain (somehow) the songs i like. just, there's something sweeter about having a full album - and one that is good all the way thru.

and there's something about having that medium. the book and the art. it's a full experience. i see it like 'this artist has packaged their music with these pictures and this is how they want their music to be experienced.' i think that makes it more magical. although i will admit that it is harder to be pleased with the full experience anymore because everyone is not trying to sell albums - rather singles.

so to all of the artists that are selling the full pie, i thank you.

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i feel compelled to mention this one album that is  coming out march  18th by a band "She and Him." it is (to my understanding) Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward. you may know Zooey from the movie Elf. she has quite a voice. she also appears on Jason Schwartzman's album (Coconut Records (which is smashing!)).

read about it and get a free song right here ->.

*and also Death Cab for Cutie's new album, Narrow Stairs, comes out May 22. oh yes.

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so here are some videos that have been brought to my attention (mostly from Sara O'Brien):

first, some Juno promos featuring Jason Bateman and Michael Cera:

and now, meet Old Greg:

and i'll leave you with this. i'm not saying i support Barack Obama. i don't know yet who i support. but i think he's got something. enjoy:

Show Me The River.

Ya know, every time i write on here it seems that it's a depressing entry. i know it's true. i just started too. most times, i start and don't ever finish it because i feel so... frustrated and i can't figure out what I'm more upset about. and as i sit and think of how lonely i am and how empty i am...i realize that I'm not always lonely and empty. actually I'm usually pretty content.

there are things that could be better. i still don't have really any friends down here besides my sister. i don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything - I'm not growing as a musician (at  least i don't think so). but...I'm not that bad off.

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One thing that i really miss in my new life is friends. i can't seem to meet people who are real. i want people that i can talk with and get a little deep. i wanna be open. i think the lack of that is one of my biggest frustrations. i got some of that a couple weekends ago when i was at sara's college. i can always find that when i'm with her and whoever she surrounds herself with. once in a while i stumble across it with other people. adam will always be my number one. i just don't like floating around and being superficial.

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i suppose there are always good things going on in my life. it's so much easier to focus on the bad and what disappoints me. there's a lot of that. i feel like i gotta do something or i'm gonna die. i'm tired of waiting in line and folding. i'm afraid that i won't make it; that my dreams will turn out to be just that. there's so much i could be doing, so much i could be learning and i'm not. i feel like i'm wasting time and i don't enjoy it.

i think i'm ready for something more. maybe i haven't made it to the river yet, perhaps i'm jumping the gun. i just know that i'm not gonna fold. i gotta take a chance.

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Sources of Joy:

* long underwear on cold days - makes biking bearable.

* Coconut Records.

* Benjamin Gibbard.

* the fact that Nada Surf's new album comes out next Tuesday.

* the sound of my fingers on a guitar.

* Seeing John Vanderslice in March.

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i ripped my pants today.  blast.