I'm Taking A Mental Health Day.

So today, the weather is with me. The rain is coming down and I'm at home - skipping my classes. It's a mental health day.
I'm cleaning things out. I'm taking down pictures, changing passwords, and I'm packing away trinkets and letters and scribbled notes that have filled my wallet and hidden in my car for the last five years. I'm putting them all in a box where I hope that, one day, they will all explode out of and find their places again.
I will miss them for they are all very dear to me - because of what they represent and who they are from.

_________________________

This is an entry I started but didn't post from August 20th, 2007:

So today marks my last day at home. well, at this home - before i make a new one. Tomorrow i move for Murfreesboro, TN. i'm really excited but i've realized how unpleasant packing is. my room has been torn apart for the past week as i've tried to pack but get bored or frustrated.
there's something about taking everything you have and leaving. it's my choice - i'm leaving because i want to. no one is making me. but i'm still leaving. and there's something there. i don't like leaving.

_______________________

That is all that I wrote that day. Home is not here in Murfreesboro. I can say that, as I've been here for over a year now. It's just a phase where I'm learning - personally. I wish I could go anywhere but here though. The pain that I've experienced here is too strong. I know that it won't stay here when I leave. How I wish it would.

If I've learned anything, it's that home really is wherever your heart is. My heart is in West Virginia. My Heart is in North Carolina. These places...I will never forget. There are too many people that I will never forget - even if we never see each other again. People that have changed my life for good and bad.

Leaving is hard - even if it's not literal. It's probably harder to leave mentally and emotionally than physically. That is what I'm trying to do. Not to leave, but to stop chasing.

It isn't what I want but it's what she wants. If I could changer her mind I would but I can't - she made it up and that's all there is to it.

I'm not sure if I can tell my heart to stop. i feel that my body and mind have stopped running due to exhaustion days - maybe weeks - ago. but my heart keeps on going. I don't know if I can bare to tell him it's over. I'm afraid of what that may mean - for all of us. I don't want it to be over but I know it is, at least for right now. I don't want to give up.
I can't help but wonder if this could have been avoided. If we had talked about us more...or...anything.
I still can't say what I think and feel to the extent that I do. I've said things that I wish I hadn't said and probably not said things I wish I had.
I can't communicate the extremity that I want this to work out - the extremity to which I believe in us and that we could have a good life together.
It was so sweet. I hope it wasn't one-sided. I hope it's something that she will someday see worth fighting for; I'd live in the trenches with her. But I can't be there alone. It's a two-sided commitment. It's 50/50.

It's a difficult thing - knowing what you want and not being able to have it; thinking that you both want the same thing for so long only to find out that it isn't the case at all.