Nothing Seems As Bright.

Today I chose to spend my day by waking up at noon, completely unaware of what was happening in the world at that moment. As if I could foresee that those moments would be better spent in my own head than in whatever true events filled reality. And I believe that that arrogance is quite prevalent in our world today - rightfully so since there's nothing better than seeing what your own brain is capable of. And isn't it nice that we are then granted the privilege of that capability? To then use our brains to paint how we believe those true events occurred?Hmm. It is nice. So then, based on my very own perception of the world and how it operates, I determine precisely how my town looked when the first of billions and billions of snowflakes fell to cover the ground. And how your face would look if you woke to this very scene but for that to happen you'd have to be here with me. Because ultimately, isn't that the intention in every thought?
Anyway, back to the original thought:
Today I chose to spend my day by waking up at noon and discover that it had snowed while I was asleep. Actually, to see it on facebook before seeing it with my own eyes. I have a window by my bed. Shouldn't I start each day by popping up like a gopher from his hole to see outside? Before I look at my stuff and the stuff of my people, shouldn't I look outside to see yours? It is much better. Much more beautiful and real. Sure, ours is real but it's a different way. It's numbers; 1s and 0s. You know all, so how could ours even compare to yours? To think that we could reach a potential higher than you. How arrogant.
So again, because I chose to do that, somehow I agreed to follow whatever path that decision would lay before me. For me it was a conscious one to relax today - afterall, when a university shuts down early due to weather you really are given permission to stop. So I took a breather and sat to listen to Iron & Wine. And as my brain turned it spewed this thought all because I chose to sleep in. To think that we have that ability to chose what we do with our day. If I wish to spend an entire day reading a book or watching an entire television series season or hanging around with people, well then I can.
That path included: being nerdy, sitting on my bed and routinely popping up like a gopher from his hole and listening to music while eating fruit as snow fell down outside. I'm okay with that because I enjoy it, even though sometimes I get down about it.
The song "Naked As We Came" started and I had already listened to "Sodom South Georgia" and how I felt then painted a scene of my pursuit for love. Not that I'm looking from the high mast of a ship for land but that in a way I am. I think in the way that everyone does a little. And I've had land so I know what it's like to be looking and see thru all of the fog and jagged rocks to see pure, safe land to put your feet on. And I don't see much land like that around. I think I'm seeing more jagged rocks thru fog than there actually is. But that's because I've seen that land turn jagged; I've felt that sting. But it still looks good and the sun still shines brightly upon it. Nothing seems as bright. "Passing Afternoon" embodies this feeling. It is exactly how I think of this.
So when I say that this is the love that I seek it isn't that I haven't found it once. I'm in part two right now. It fell apart but it was there. And having had it, it's much more difficult to settle when it isn't there. I want someone who I can be lost with, to be amazed by in every moment. But I've had that. And I still think of it very much, perhaps because that was my last big love and I've somehow built it into something more than what it was but I think because it was very big. A lot still ties to that; songs, film and thoughts. I haven't forgotten yet and I still remember. I still don't understand. But I've learned to bury what I don't understand. I never was any good at digging holes.
So then, based on my very own perception of the world and how it operates determines precisely how my town looked when the first of billions and billions of snowflakes fell to cover the ground. And how your face would look if you woke to this very scene but for that to happen you'd have to be here with me. Because ultimately, isn't that the intention in every thought?

Coming Down To Meet You.

So it all feels the same now. I guess that feeling I had a couple weeks ago was just the alcohol. I'm real washed out right now. I felt good about things. I went to Passion and I remembered a little about what God looked like and I learned a little more. I'm past that moment of gladness and back to selfishness. Time doesn't change a thing, it's all up to me and well maybe I just ain't ready. It's a sad place to be. I see that greener grass but I'm still eating the brown.

I've been lonely a bit. I've had some fun with friends that I've missed but it's not really the same. I miss the people who understand me. There's one that I really miss but we can't really talk anymore. Yeah, I miss her a lot but I don't think that's my fault. I think that's just how it goes sometime and it's a real shame but it's not my fault. And I've been wondering if I'll find that again cos it's been awhile and I'd have to say it's rare. Oh well, maybe it's for the best.

I shaved my head the other day and messed up and so now I got a big piece missing on the side and I've been wearing a hat everyday til that piece grows back. It's pretty funny but I look like schmuck. That's how I feel. Like I got a bad hair cut riding on my head and I do. Eventually the internal mess becomes external. Oh well, it's cold so I got an excuse for the hat. I'm just tired of feeling like a ten year old.

I haven't written for awhile and I got a lot in my head right now. And a lot of it doesn't matter but a lot of it is why I'm so down. I got a lot that ain't happening right now and a lot that is is kinda unfortunate. But that's okay cos it'll go away eventually and the sun does rise. That's what Chuck Noland said anyway. I just ain't felt the sun in sometime. That's not true, I just can't remember the warmth.

Sing A Song of Love & Truth.

Breath deeply, creatures of the land for a new year is upon us and it is the time for living!

I don't know about all of you, but I honestly feel a difference than two days ago. Maybe it was screaming at midnight with friends and midnight and all of the laughter and joy that surrounded that house or maybe it was the alcohol. Well, maybe it was both. But regardless, this morning I awoke with a feeling of renewal; of rebirth.

I feel like I'm on my feet again. But really, I think the true matter of the fact is that I finally see that I've been on my feet for awhile - except for me telling myself that I wasn't. Whatever I was mourning is no more. There's no reason to mourn the past because the past is passed and what can you do to that? Absolutely nothing.

It's time to live, my boy! To walk into the street without the hand of your mother and to no longer wait for cars a mile off. But rather to step out with a skip and run til the air in my lungs is emptied and refuses to refill.

I feel like the Whitman brothers in The Darjeeling Limited when they run to catch their train, throwing the luggage they've dragged all over India all over. Because you can't let things weigh you down and keep you from jumping onto trains, for once they leave, they're gone.

I hope for this year to be one filled with joy and happiness and excitement. I'll strive to enjoy what's around me at all times; laugh when I'm hurt and cry when I'm happy because living this life is more than breathing and eating. It's so much more than that.

We'll soon remember if you do

When all things were tall

and our friends were small

and the world was new

- "Silent Sunlight," Cat Stevens