Nothing Seems As Bright.

Today I chose to spend my day by waking up at noon, completely unaware of what was happening in the world at that moment. As if I could foresee that those moments would be better spent in my own head than in whatever true events filled reality. And I believe that that arrogance is quite prevalent in our world today - rightfully so since there's nothing better than seeing what your own brain is capable of. And isn't it nice that we are then granted the privilege of that capability? To then use our brains to paint how we believe those true events occurred?Hmm. It is nice. So then, based on my very own perception of the world and how it operates, I determine precisely how my town looked when the first of billions and billions of snowflakes fell to cover the ground. And how your face would look if you woke to this very scene but for that to happen you'd have to be here with me. Because ultimately, isn't that the intention in every thought?
Anyway, back to the original thought:
Today I chose to spend my day by waking up at noon and discover that it had snowed while I was asleep. Actually, to see it on facebook before seeing it with my own eyes. I have a window by my bed. Shouldn't I start each day by popping up like a gopher from his hole to see outside? Before I look at my stuff and the stuff of my people, shouldn't I look outside to see yours? It is much better. Much more beautiful and real. Sure, ours is real but it's a different way. It's numbers; 1s and 0s. You know all, so how could ours even compare to yours? To think that we could reach a potential higher than you. How arrogant.
So again, because I chose to do that, somehow I agreed to follow whatever path that decision would lay before me. For me it was a conscious one to relax today - afterall, when a university shuts down early due to weather you really are given permission to stop. So I took a breather and sat to listen to Iron & Wine. And as my brain turned it spewed this thought all because I chose to sleep in. To think that we have that ability to chose what we do with our day. If I wish to spend an entire day reading a book or watching an entire television series season or hanging around with people, well then I can.
That path included: being nerdy, sitting on my bed and routinely popping up like a gopher from his hole and listening to music while eating fruit as snow fell down outside. I'm okay with that because I enjoy it, even though sometimes I get down about it.
The song "Naked As We Came" started and I had already listened to "Sodom South Georgia" and how I felt then painted a scene of my pursuit for love. Not that I'm looking from the high mast of a ship for land but that in a way I am. I think in the way that everyone does a little. And I've had land so I know what it's like to be looking and see thru all of the fog and jagged rocks to see pure, safe land to put your feet on. And I don't see much land like that around. I think I'm seeing more jagged rocks thru fog than there actually is. But that's because I've seen that land turn jagged; I've felt that sting. But it still looks good and the sun still shines brightly upon it. Nothing seems as bright. "Passing Afternoon" embodies this feeling. It is exactly how I think of this.
So when I say that this is the love that I seek it isn't that I haven't found it once. I'm in part two right now. It fell apart but it was there. And having had it, it's much more difficult to settle when it isn't there. I want someone who I can be lost with, to be amazed by in every moment. But I've had that. And I still think of it very much, perhaps because that was my last big love and I've somehow built it into something more than what it was but I think because it was very big. A lot still ties to that; songs, film and thoughts. I haven't forgotten yet and I still remember. I still don't understand. But I've learned to bury what I don't understand. I never was any good at digging holes.
So then, based on my very own perception of the world and how it operates determines precisely how my town looked when the first of billions and billions of snowflakes fell to cover the ground. And how your face would look if you woke to this very scene but for that to happen you'd have to be here with me. Because ultimately, isn't that the intention in every thought?