Take My World Apart.

i have taken care of everything i needed to for this trip.
i have an apartment.


it feels good to be finished. i'm actually excited about all of this too. i was worried, really worried. but i feel really good. i'm registered for classes, i have my I.D., my parking pass, i've paid. i even passed my math placement test so i don't have to take any "catch up" courses.
i'm taking Biology, a writing class, Psychology, and college algebra.
i feel this weight of...stress and anxiety dropping off of me.

tomorrow i will return home to finish my normal life. i will hate leaving a lot of things behind. i will miss my church and what i do there. i even miss target a little. but i know w/o a doubt i will miss my friends and even more my family. i think even being gone for this week i've realized how hard it will be for me to be that far away. i know i'll make it and i'm not worried about my relationship w/ them.
i've missed living at justin and jon's house to use their internet and watch scrubs. i've missed joking around w/ my mom and talking w/ my dad.
i've missed playing w/ joe and the band at youth.
but i'm ready for this change. i'm excited, i'm worried...i'm....everything i should be.

Lullaby.

today i may have found the place. i still need to see inside of it. but the price is great and the location is pretty good. i couldn't get ahold of the people earlier when i tried to get back in touch w/ them. hopefully later on this day, after i sleep, i will be able to get in and see it. i'm excited.
i've had a good day. kathy and i drove around for a few hours looking; mostly crossing things off of our list. it was fun.
sara and i went out this evening and had lots of fun. we walked around on...frankln street, i think. i'm still very unfamiliar w/ this area. i get carboro and every other thing mixed up. we walked around the botanical gardens as well, but they closed soon after we go there.
the worst thing was that on our way home we say the car in front of us hit an animal. both of us cringed as it happened. we decided to go back and see if we could help at all. it was a little black cat. it looks so disoriented. sara ran around trying to find it's owner while i kept it safe from other cars. watching it was so hard. i couldn't do anything. i was afraid to touch in other than to pet it's head because it's ribs looked broken. i've never seen an animal die; i did tonight. it was very hard. sara came back and an older man whom's house she had gone to came soon after. he told us who it probably belonged to and we watched it as it took it's last breath. i put it off of the side of the road. it was a quiet ride home and we weren't hungry anymore.
we did have a better evening back at the house. sara did my laundry while i watched her and tried to help. we sat around talking about all kind of stuff w/ her parents and jesse and jennifer. it felt very homey tonight.
i need to go to bed. goodnight.

Crashed On The Floor.

i thought i had found the perfect apartment and then someone else took it. i have two more options but i'm having trouble picking myself back up. i've seen the inside of one of them and it's nice. the outside of it isn't bad either; it's the location that's not so pretty.
then i have another option that looks nice on the outside but i can't see inside it because someone still lives there. i'm torn.
besides that, this has been a good trip thus far.
i got college things taken care of some and have had a good deal of fun w/ sara and her friends and sara's family and lily's parents.
the other night we sat around at lily's. i was very tired and someone discouraged w/ all of this. but i sat and watched dave, lily's dad, put on guitar strings. he was very focused but always had time to pause and say something either hilarious or very interesting.
and then i continued to sit there in my spaced out state and listen to him play his wonderfully tuned guitar. and then lily accompanied him on violin and it was fabulous.
i've become very excited about being here. last night leah and i talked about all the food i have to have at my apartment. and jesse says he'll always come over and play my video games. haha.
it'll be really cool.
when sara gets home in about 20 minutes, we are going to meet up w/ Sal and Debbie.





i'm feeling better already. i think i know what to do. if only i could really see it.


Post Script

so...the 2nd place that i drove to, looked inside, and then drove to the agency in order to pay the security deposit and take it - yes, it was taken earlier in the morning. so, again, i am back to square one. my stay here is being extended. therefore i will not be home friday night for the youth luau. i am quite sad of that, but this is more important and necessary.
tomorrow kathy and i are setting out on a giant search. hopefuly something will turn up that i like as much as the other two that i couldn't get. i don't think i can go much lower (in confidence) and higher (in price).

Back to a 100% World.

yesterday, justin and i went out to take pictures in a light rain. i always like doing that w/ him. there's this feeling of trying to out do each other in a playful way. it's a blast to see what we come out w/, but even if it's nothing it was at least fun. i got a few good ones.

i saw Lady In The Water; i loved it. it was different from all of his movies. and there was no twist at the end to change the entire movie. i think i identified w/ the message of trying to find yourself. i feel stuck in a confusing time. wondering what to do. i felt like i was on the same page as the characters.
i've had this feeling of my guts churning for days. i'm actually growing up but i don't think i entirely want to. i think on the inside i'm still just a kid; not having anything to really care about. i like having a safe home that i'm comfortable in w/ parents i get along w/. it's a rare thing i suppose.
i'm completely scared of being on my own; of being alone.

so i don't have a job anymore. my last day of target was friday. it was a good day; like the job. i will miss that 10%.

i go the long winters new cd. so far i am a bit let down. but we'll see....

I'm Going Down To Sleep On The Bottom Of The Ocean.

today is a day of overwhelming feelings.
i've written some more music. i like it better than the old. i just need a few chords i don't know and words. i have one line but nothing to follow.
why is everything so disappointing right now? i don't think anybody has it good.
i don't think we're going to record, or ever practice again. i'm frustrated.
stop hiding.
i'm ready to say goodbye to a few things and hello to a few.
i wish i could record what i see. i think i'd make some very good music videos. and then i could explain what i think about more things.
i can't believe how heartless some people can be.

it'd be nice to escape right now and sit in a field and breathe and let things roll off. i know i'm not the only one.

Wake Up, Life’s Too Short For You To Stay In Bed.

I’m laying in my bed now…I randomly woke up at about 5:45 and starting in a hot panic to find my glasses. They weren’t in their usual spot so I tried to let it go but it ate at my nerves.
I was hot and sweaty and my stomach hurt. I got up, used the bathroom and went to get a drink. I also looked downstairs for my glasses.
I could tell thru the dense fog outside that a sun was trying to shine thru it. I started singing Keith Green’s “My Eyes Are Dry” and danced around the idea of taking my guitar outside and play some worship songs as the sun rose. I didn’t think I’d be able to see the sun. maybe there’s a metaphor there. I’ll look into it.

So I turned up the air and came up stairs, turned on my lights and found my glasses neatly folded upon my TV stand. One of my parents must have put it there, for I would not have. I smiled, put them on to make sure they still fit and then placed them back down on the stand.
I hopped into bed where I just lay, feeling the change in temperature and loving it; relishing it even.
I realized I was awake, and wouldn’t get back to sleep this morning. More ideas danced in me and I’m glad I settled on this one. A song got in my head, this time by Lost Dogs. They are some old Christian band my dad loves. I’ve always enjoyed the chain of bands they affected (The Choir, Adam Again, The Swirling Eddies). It’s a mix of a bunch of old guys. One of them died a few years ago. I also heard he played w/ Starflyer 59. His Name was Gene Eugene.
Anyway, so I ran down to get that CD so I could listen to it. I also grabbed their greatest hits. I’m now listening to it as a I import it.
I always thought they were a cheesy-to-be-cheesy band, but have realized thru this that they are actually a really good band. I’ve had chills put up my spine as I hear songs that I haven’t heard for years. I haven’t ridden w/ my dad for years. I always loved that actually. Some of his music I despised. A lot of it I’ve come to love. Bill Mallonee was the first of it. then The Choir a bit. Now Lost Dogs.
They have a song called “Breathe Deep (The Breath of God)” and it’s a call for everybody who’s anybody to come and breathe the breath of God (click above for the whole list). It really hit me. Ya know? That we all have this desire in us to find fulfillment. I wish that I knew the Bible more in times like these; there’s a scripture about us knowing that something is there. It’s the touch of God we’re born w/.
Keith Green and his wife searched thru everything: drugs, eastern “religion”, the occult, hippies. Why is it that none of that really satisfies the soul? Only Jesus can really make it whole. I’ve talked w/ Sara for months on and off about the church. My workshop at camp was gonna be about that roughly and how Christians need to come back into the world of media and be artistic and show what God has given us.
I just about used the word “invade” and remembered reading about how Christians always use words dealing w/ battle and taking over the world. I don’t like that. But you will notice it. it is a spiritual war. But I think it makes us come across like fanatics to those we try to reach. Maybe that’s a thought of the moment…
Anyway, and she’s recently told me how she’s spoken at church and at a women’s ministry her mom in a part of.
Friends have talked about it w/ her. There’s just this feeling that the church is letting us down. That it’s letting people down. I think even God to an extent.
I’m tired of just talking about it. People have said things and I’ve felt it a little. I think this move to North Carolina is more than just a move and just going to school and (even tho it’s huge to me) more than being close to Sara. I’ve had these daydreams of leading worship and things coming alive. But are they anything more than daydreams?


Well I think I’m done w/ the writing. It’s almost 7, time to get ready. Today I’m playing w/ the youth band for both services at church. I hope it goes well.
There are many things I’ll miss when I leave. But not as many as you’d think. And I think the majority of it is because of routine and safety of knowing what’s to come.
I think today will be a good day. And why shouldn’t it be? If I want it to be, then by golly, it will be. Won’t you do the same?


Up In The Morning, A New World Is Forming Behind These Tired Eyes
I’m Here And I’m Breathing, Feel My Heart Beating, Lucky To Be Alive

Using Someone Else's Poetry To Express How You Feel.

Written between July 6th and July 9th.

I’m sitting here restless again, knowing that there is so much to do.
I’m figuring things out w/ CCCC, feeling better and better about that decision every second.

I’ve picked up my guitar the last few days; it’s been awhile what w/ being out of the country and at camp. That too feels better.

Big things at work – the Target photo lab is going thru a huge change of software. It’s gonna be crazy. I’ve already had to sit thru two conference calls about it. I do love my job. I’m lucky to have one that I enjoy for the most part. I’m hoping I can transfer to the Target in Apex and stay in the photo lab. We shall see.

i'm feeling a little john cusack, so it's top 5 time.

Top 5 Albums - Ever.

5. Gimme Fiction – Spoon













4. X & Y - Coldplay













3. Pixel Revolt – John Vanderslice













2. Let Go – Nada Surf













1. Transatlanticism – Death Cab For Cutie














i think what constitutes a good CD for me is one that has a current. each song leads into the next and it gets better and better. it's not front loaded, it's an equal load. emotions change for each song; ups and downs.
share your top 5.

albums that would fill in 6-10, (in no order):
Rocky Votolato - Makers
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
The Long Winters - When I Pretend To Fall
Beulah - The Coast Is Never Clear
The Thrills - Let's Bottle Bohemia

Start Right Here.

Wow, I wish i was sitting here.



i wish i could sit still right now and relax. i actually could. but i feel rushed. right now, this minute, i am not rushed. but i know that each moment leads to another moment which leads to a minute, leading to an hour, leading to a day, leading to a week, leading to a month and so on. i know that by wasting this moment now, i am getting behind in my plans that will take place in August.
i found out that UNCG has no more dorms available. i'm looking into a community college now. i could save lots of money and get my feet wet while still being in north carolina. i'd have to get an apartment but that'd be fine w/ me.
i'm still feeling stressed about it. more so now that i'm back to not knowing exactly what i'm doing and that it's so soon. i'm realizing that i'm done at Target in two weeks and then i have to be ready to go. i'm more excited about going now tho. i can't wait actually.

i'm finally back from all of my ventures. Belize and camp are both in the past. both were amazing and both were unforgettable.
i have some pictures from belize up. more will be going up.
the ladderboy videos from camp will be available on the internet soon as well.


i'm currently reading a book about Keith Green. it's so depressing. but i'm hooked.

i wish i had more to say. it seems like i do when i don't have a way to write it down.
i promise that i will return w/ more thoughtful things soon.