I’ve Had My Fill, or, All Things Go / All Things Grow

I have so many things in my head and none of them seem right. I’ve been emotional lately; crying at things that I would normally never look at again. It’s all been in movies though. I know what it feels like it to feel purposeless and alone. I have dreams that at times I would throw out the window or burn because of how hard and unlikely they all seem.
I think I’ve cried at everything I’ve wanted to hear myself - everything that I don’t.
At times I feel the complete opposite, perhaps, unworthy, but not worthless.
It would be nice if things came easily and answers to life, the paths to take, were right in front of you. If the happiest options were laid out to see, how wonderful that’d be. The fact that I could make a decision now and be unhappy for years, unsatisfied, or not at my potential…scares everything out of me.

The banjo of Sufjan Stevens has been inspiring. Actually everything of his has.
I wish I knew what was best for me and whoever walks this world with me. I just don’t feel like I do at all.
Stepping out blind is nerve racking. It’s even worse if it’s hazy because what you think is one thing may be completely different.

In Response To Your Monday.

today, for the second time this year, my world moved. but as where last time was a step to the left, this was a step to the right.
i feel like i'm in a space between spaces. i'm the line between the lines that i'm trying to read. i'm not quite sure what i'm doing. i hope it's good.
i'm glad my head's on straight though. i've noticed there are a lot of non-headed people in my wake. and i can only wonder if perhaps they'd still have their's if i'd not left their side.
i ate a cookie too; it didn't fill the void that came today.

so i've taken some pictures. a few last ones before i left NC. that was such an odd thing. it didn't even feel like leaving. i don't think it's hit me yet that i'm not going back in a week. the pile of possessions in my room should be a good indicator.
hark, the sound of unpacking joined w/ that of nico.

i think listening to your soul is something to try.

What is Snow?, or, Where to Go?

what is up w/ this weather? i'm wearing t-shirts in december w/o a coat. North Carolina is crazy.

it's hard to believe that this is my last weekend in sanford. it seems like it was so long ago that i moved it.
i have one more final and then i'm done, i'm so relieved.
i'm still unsure of what to do when i get back home. i've already agreed to being joseph in a thing for Horizons next sunday. i am excited to work w/ the youth again. i've missed playing guitar for them and i feel like i'm really willing to give it more this time around.
school is another thing. i've been giving an opportunity to do something and i'm really considering it. i'm not sure though. getting started in school is really important right now. i guess we'll see what i do.
i've fallen in love w/ sufjan stevens. i never quite gave him a chance until i heard the song about Decatur.
i guess i am pretty unsure of myself right now. exactly what i'll ever end up doing. sara and i are wondering about what's coming up in our lives and what it'll mean for the two of us. it's a challenge we've not yet faced.

in time we'll find it.

The Buzzing Won’t Stop!

Written Friday, December 1st.

I’m in this unhealthy addiction to 60’s rock music, The Beatles & Simon and Garfunkel mostly.
I also have this incessant buzz emanating from my stove area. It starts as a “once in a while thing”; it’s now a “never ending thing.”

All of these songs I’ve heard have further inspired me to work on the story I’ve come up w/. its a sort of autobiographical thing based on my life right now. But its more exaggeration of what could happen – not what has happened. I like the idea a lot. Oh, and I’ve come up w/ some good music for the next installments of “Ladderboy”; that’s right: he’s coming back…I guess.
I wrote a song. I’m excited to have a chance to record back in WV w/ joe and adam again. I’ve been missing that part of my life a lot.

I have this paper to do on Censorship in the Music Industry. I’m torn as to what side to go with. I believe it’s the conservative Christian in me that says music should be rated like films. Music has the same stuff in it that would get a movie an R rating. Children shouldn’t be exposed to the stuff in music that compares to what they aren’t allowed to see in movies.
i also don’t think any art should be censored – covered up or refused exposure. But we should watch what audience is exposed to it. we have the right of free speech. So whether it’s marilyn manson or Michael w. smith – they have the right to put out what they want to.
Now if only I can write 4 pages on that topic…by Monday.