Too Bad The Scene is Dead.

The days are switching here in Murfreesboro, TN. Friday just clocked in. I'm up late reading for summer classes that I'm taking and entirely too far behind in. While this is going on, my parents are settling in forty minutes away. They're here for a few days but of course I'm bogged down with marketing projects and business plans for these classes.

One of the classes I'm taking is about starting a recording studio, which I kind of fell into after the classes I intended on taking was cancelled. The other class is all about indie labels and how they work. I've found it fascinating as I've been big on indies for awhile. I had the professor who is teaching it a couple semesters back for a marketing class and was happy to see his name as the instructor. He continually talked about this book titled Our Noise that is about Merge Records - started by members of Superchunk in Chapel Hill, NC and featuring artists such as She & Him, Arcade Fire, Spoon, M. Ward, Telekinesis, Conor Oberst, Neutral Milk Hotel and countless others.

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I sat on the porch with Spencer talking of post-graduate plans. I really don't have any. I mean, I have dreams - what I want to do - with is synonymous with what I won't do. At least in my head. I suppose that stems from a lack of confidence in myself after seeing a continual pattern of failing to come thru.

But I've always liked the idea of owning or at least working for a small label or record store or studio. Just something that was really happening and passionate about what we were doing. And all the while, I hope to be putting out music of my own. Maybe not for the masses like I dreamt of in my early years, but for people who find it and enjoy as much as I do.

I just have too many distractions around that keep me from doing what I want to.

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As I read this book, which I'll be tested on tomorrow and am only halfway thru, I read names of stores and venues - Local 506, Cat's Cradle, Armadillo Grill, School Kid Records...To think that I've walked the streets where all of this happened. All the history - all the inspiration was there and I had no idea. And to think that I actually saw Mac from Superchunk with his other band, Portastatic when they opened for Spoon & The Clientele - or maybe it was Rilo Kiley & The Brunettes - at Cat's Cradle. I remember making fun of them with sara. What a privilege.

Faces flood my mind from a life gone. It's really fascinating how much my life has changed in the last two years. And I'm amazed at how much I miss North Carolina and the world that exists there. I think it's the only place that's ever truly felt like home, even if I'm not welcome.

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I suppose this post is mostly out of an urge to write and empty my brain for a second.

There is absolutely too much music out there that I need to hear. It's frustrating beyond belief. As Spencer said, we should always be learning and ingesting as much as possible - be it film, music, writing - anything that we have created. I'm beginning to see.

Anyway, I better get back to reading.

When The Tide Rises Somebody Sinks And Is Gone In The Blink of An Eye.

I've always been drawn to film. Of course as a source of entertainment but also as a thought provoking and beautiful artform. I can't sit thru a Tyler Perry movie or some drivel made for a cheap laugh. I'd much rather watch something that will stimulate me and force me to answer or at least look at questions that everyone should answer about themselves and the world around them.

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I've been watching Six Feet Under. It's a now canceled television show about a family and the funeral home they run. I guess, I've always been fascinated by death. Not in some gothic way that leads me to wear black but as this unavoidable end of all things. I have my own ideas of what comes with death and how it all works but that's just it - everybody has their own ideas. Maybe you believe in heaven and hell or reincarnation or nothing. But I think that however you view death should ultimately direct how you live your life.

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One of my friends was in this playwriting class and he asked another friend and me to perform it for his class as his final. I've never really been one for acting and performing that art form but he convinced me that I'd do fine and we read thru it a few times and I felt better. So we walked into the classroom and sat down and waited for our turn. The point of this isn't to tell how well or badly we did but actually to discuss the play performed after ours. The scene was between two characters, one a very cold and impersonal figure played by a beautiful girl and the other, an average person played by some guy. I just remember that he wore all black and had his hair slicked back like some stereotypical theater kid. Again, this isn't important. But you should know that she was beautiful.

Anyway, the exchange between them slowly unraveled to expose the whole point of this play to be a motivational kick. The man had just died and had found himself in a "performance review" of his life. As she explained how he had done nothing to better the world around him or even himself and that this ultimately meant his failure at life, he begged for another chance, defending his actions like a man about to face the gallows.

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A lot of people are afraid of death. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't at least a little. I don't quite get how some people ask "why" in times of death. Whether you believe in a god or not, we are biological beings made of atoms and genetics that we won't ever fully understand. Once we accept that - the frailty of ourselves and the inevitable brokenness that comes - we are truly free to live.

Life is full of uncertainties but we can't allow ourselves to hold us back out of fear of rejection or failure. I don't want to be making excuses at my performance review about how I never jumped because I was afraid to fall. I wanna smile thru broken teeth, blood in my eye, crooked bones, covered in scars and able to honestly say I gave it a hell of a spin.