Slap Happy.

Another trip home comes to an end in less than five hours. So why am I awake at 4:28am? Well...for one of the best parties of the year: The St. Martin Brown's St. Stephen's Day Party. I'll leave it up for all of you to look up the meaning behind St. Stephen's Day, but I will tell you why it is so great. Friendship. A bunch of people - most of whom I only see on this night - gather to play games and talk and catch up and laugh together. It feels like one of the few aspects of my life that remains the same while the rest spins and changes. We repeat stories and laugh about years gone by. These are people that I truly love and appreciate. Whose smiles and jokes stick with me for days. People who I've looked to in time of need and discomfort, friends from high school or youth groups. People who have remained as others passed away. They are friends and family. And maybe this is the end of a long day and night talking, but I love those people and I already look forward to next year's St. Stephen's Day.

I hope all of you have had a holiday filled with laughter and joy. That you've experienced the good in life and remember what it feels like to breath because those are the most precious things out there.

Tomorrow I leave home again, and many of the faces that I care for. I hope all of them know what they mean to me and what they've done for me in past years. And I wish them - as well my readers - a great year filled with all of these and more so that next year we come back with more stories and laughter to share.

...One Day.

I have a journal that i write in. I try to do so regularly but sometimes time passes and pages don't move. I'll open it and gasp at how long it's been and shake my head because I have a lot of catching up to do.

This book isn't anything grand. You'd find a lot of entries that scream what these posts merely echo and ideas, plans, that are only hinted at here.

I write about girls. Girls I'd like to sleep with. Or kiss. Or hold hands with. Or at least look into their eyes, but mostly sleep with (which never comes to fruition due to reasons mentioned in previous posts. Exhibit A & B). There are names that come go. Next month I'll have a set of two or three more names and then an entry saying that those feelings have fled from one of the parties. That entry will end with my declaration of independence only to be followed by a name or description of a girl I saw on campus or at a coffee shop. There are only a few who will be remembered. At least two. And in years to come I'll have to scratch my head to remember even their faces.

I ask G-d what He thinks of my life. I question its meaning and whether it will amount to anything. I express fears of wasted time or missed opportunities and injustices done to me by way of my own faults. I complain a lot.

And thru all of this I try to sound like Jack Keroauc. I wrote someone a letter the other day. I would call her "friend" but I'm not sure if she would appreciate me calling her that. But regardless, I wrote her. And in it I slipped into what I imagine Jack sounded like whenever he wrote. Or at least when he wrote Dean Moriarty's lines from On The Road. Bursts of energy and short sentences filled with eccentric inflections where he answered his own questions and wrote whatever hit his brain; thoughts that contradict each other.

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That really bothers me actually. I always try to write a thought but then see the other side. So I wear myself out thinking of every single alternate point or argument that could be presented, as if I expect to say that I've seen it from every angle. Or perhaps I'm just trying to point out which perspectives I have seen to prove that I did actually think about what I'm trying to say. But few people care to read one line that has 10 to every A. As if, "For this to be true, consider A, B, C..." or "I say this having taken these into account." A letter from me is much like an erratic scientist's notes meant only for himself. But nevertheless, I love to write. Ironically, reading isn't my favorite. But I'm trying. I've been buy books and asking for books and trying to read. I see the importance, much like flossing. When I do it, I feel better, my teeth are cleaner, I've learned something. But taking the time to actually get the thread and wrap around my fingers just seems foreign.

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I'm trying a lot of things. I'm trying to write more. I've been deep in the caves of writer's block but have recently poked my head out. I've yawned and grabbed my coffee and my pen is in hand. I'm begin as soon as I'm done with the crossword puzzle or daily sudoku. I'm trying to be healthier so as to not look at myself with disgust each morning. To put myself out and pull the blanket of security off and take risks. I'm trying to live life and find happiness that I deserve but deprive myself of still.

But I've written about these goals for months and complained for even longer. That's what we do. We say, "Oh, if only I had the time" or "One day..." I'm tired of one day. Because one day turns into yesterday and yesterday turns into last week, and then I'm lying here in bed at my parent's home a few days before Christmas wondering where the last few months have gone. My soul is dry and it needs enrichment and I'm determined to find it...

A Diamond & A Tether.

This is a cover of a song by Death Cab For Cutie. Enjoy.

Love Is A Lesson.

Commitment is a big word. Well, it is. I suppose the bigger problem, however, is not an inability to commit but rather the ability to find someone who is worth committing too. I've been in committed relationships before and I understand how that works. That's not to say that it is always easy. But I get it. I see the imperative value that it has within a relationship.

Compatibility. That's a big word. So big that at times I have to take a breath halfway thru saying it. So much stock is put in relationships and I'll admit that I'm frustrated by my lack of involvement. There's all that crap that everyone would think are the parts that I miss: holding hands, kisses...you know. All of that. And I'd be a liar to say that I don't miss those parts - I crave those parts. But you know what I long for? Being able to trust and explain myself to someone. I miss being open and honest.

There's a wall between me and most everyone I know that prevents me from saying a lot of what I really wish I could say. And it never bothered me before because there was an outlet for those things. I feel sort of like a bottle that's been closed up for too long so that all of this pressure is building on the other side of the cork. So my logical fear is that when someone does decide to open it they'll be standing there drenched with their mouth gaping at me.

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Actually, there's a lot of fear in me regarding relationships. I have a fear of the past repeating itself and that pain isn't something I wish to experience again or put another thru. I've wasted time and energy on people - great people - but it never blooms. Age, proximity, Time. All of these have stood in the way. For all I know, if I'd have said hello to the girl in the library who caught my eye then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. It's those risks...

And I do fear commitment. I feel pretty comfortable in this sad hole I've made for myself. I like doing what I want to do and answering to nobody - even if it is damaging at times. I don't want to spend more time in something that doesn't come to pass. To wake up and find that what I've held onto has vanished.

I fear the risk. I went thru a phase giving and getting numbers. I felt on top of some game. But a lack of fruit kills game and soon the players begin to question whether sports are really for them. After all. I am pretty good at solitaire.

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I don't think love is what I thought it was. I think I had some things wrong and that I still do. And what love is by my standards is something that I don't have in me. It's nothing I can give.

Love isn't something I'll create on a page but sort of a seed we'll nurture and grow together.

- Kevin Wilson.

Take It Back.

I've started this entry about five times. I do that a lot with these entries. I get an idea; something floating around my head for a little while and then I sit down to type and it's not there. Even now I'm thinking of holding down the "delete" key for 30 seconds but I will resist the urge.

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Thanksgiving night, while trying very unsuccessfully to sleep at my aunt's house, I put on the film "Doubt," starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, Meryl Streep, & Amy Adams. It's about a group of nuns who suspect their priest of having an illicit relationship with a student. In one of his sermons he tells a story that I will paraphrase. This old woman confesses to her priest that she has been gossiping. He forgives her but tells her to go home, up to her roof, tear open a pillow with a knife and to then come back to him. She does as he says and goes back. He asks what happened and she says that feathers came out. Then he tells her to pick up all of the feathers but she relies that the wind has taken them and she cannot find them all. He tells her that that is the effect of gossip.

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Well this isn't really about gossip but words in general. I've always believed in saying what I feel. I'd hate to miss out on something by holding my tongue. Part of having successful relationships is communication. But sometimes words don't go over well. I've said things that should have been dropped or avoided or kept to myself. I've said selfish things that did nothing but ruin any chance of a friendship and made me look like an ass - or at least feel like one.

It isn't that I didn't mean what I said but perhaps it just didn't need to be said. But I've had too many mornings where I regret something I've said thru a text message or email and there's no taking it back. And I wonder what they think when they see me. Do they have the same feeling I do? Of course mine is more of an embarrassment and theirs is more of annoyance. I dunno. It's sad to think that someone's opinion of you may be based on a five minute conversation. That isn't enough time to learn about a person - especially if it's comprised mostly of a mistake.

I guess what I mean to say is that I'm trying to keep my mouth shut. To be more deliberate with my words. And I suppose that's all.

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November 29th Post-Edit:

I've talked to a few people about this post and I think an important flip-side observation is that sometimes those risks prove to be worthwhile. After all, if you never said anything then think of what could be missed out on. Opportunity requires risk and vulnerability from time to time. I can think of many instances where I put things on the line and won - maybe for just a minute - but I still won something. And I learned from those experiences. At times I feel cynical due to the losses I've endured but in my honest moments I know that I've learned from them. That I understand life more. Maybe it has caused me to be more cynical but has also made me able to see so clearly when something is good. Stupid, you could call it that.

Looking Across The Fence.

There's so many different websites to join today. I've joined countless of sites that I barely use anymore - iLike and Xanga. And have Last.fm, Myspace, Twitter, Facebook and this now. I was just told about a site called Blip.fm that allows you to DJ over the internet so I'm checking it out. There's so much! I feel networkingly spread thin.

So I'm thinking of leaving this blog and moving to Tumblr. It's not official yet, I'm just trying it out. It better connects all of the various networking mediums that I am a part of. So we'll see how it works.

Follow it at www.alexskidmore.tumblr.com and see the move.

Goin' Back To Rehab.

Today was one of those days that felt productive. Perhaps it had to do with getting up earlier enough to go mail something. It's amazing how making it to the bank or post office before noon gives such an amazing level of accomplishment. I mailed a package. I didn't run a 10k or save someone's life. How ridiculous.

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Or maybe it had to do with the fact that I interviewed Mickey Avalon on my radio show today. Yeah, you heard me correctly. If you don't know who Mickey is, then I'll leave it to you to look him up on the internet. He's got a show this Wednesday in Nashville at 12th & Porter. Needless to say, I am attending and very excited. However, it will be my first hip-hip show so I'm not sure how to act at it. I'm kind of afraid. But somehow, I expect most of his fans to be beautiful women and white kids like me. Maybe I'll find my soulmate. That'd be interesting..."So where'd you meet each other?"

"Well there's this rapper who talks about prostitution, drug use, and all kinds of other immoral things. It was at one of his shows. We were singing along with him and during the line 'Puffin' white lines, sippin' warm Coors Lite,' our eyes meet and the rest is history."

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The interview was a lot of fun. Mickey is a real down to earth guy. He talked a lot more than I did and was really active in it - which always makes an interview easier. He seemed like a great guy and it make me even more excited for the show.

I also ate tons of food and saw Pirate Radio for free. That always makes for a good day.

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School is making more sense. I've thrown the idea of entertainment law around my head but we'll see about that. My major has come together a bit more and it looks I can actually be out of here next May! That's both exciting and scary as after that I have to be a grown up. It probably means moving again and starting over in many senses. In thought, that sounds okay but I know that it's difficult to do. I'm only started to feel comfortable here last Fall. That actually sounds like a long time ago but it was after having been here for a year. But now that I have friends, it feels weird to think that I may not be here in two years; that I may never see some of the people who have been here for this part of my life.

People always say how college is the prime time. It's difficult for me to see that. Maybe because I started late or never took full advantage of the opportunities that are before me. Probably the latter. I feel like I have yet to really find an adventure worth taking. I've had a couple, I suppose. But it doesn't just drop in your lap. I see that now. I think I need to go.

I Left My Burdens In Grayson, Kentucky.

I've been gone for the past weekends. Traveling to Arkansas for a friend's wedding and then home, to West Virginia. Both have proved to be needed breaks from the day to day routine that I've gotten into. Especially being home. Typically being home is great for a few days and then I'm more than ready to head back to Tennessee. But not this time. I guess I had a lot on my mind and a few things I've been struggling with. Thoughts and decisions. And I made a few of those decisions while at home and I must admit that I'm very happy with each one. I feel like I've narrowed down my plans for after I graduate - at least what sounds like a good idea at the moment. Once the decision is set in stone I'm sure it'll be made known. But for now, I'll keep it close.

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Relationships are interesting. I've dealt with quite a few of those in recent days. Old friends and old flames and forgotten names. There comes a point where you have to weigh some and see if it's worth the work. It's funny how ones I'd almost forgotten about have consumed my thoughts lately and how, on the other hand, ones I never thought would fade mean nothing to me. Some paths just aren't as appealing anymore and others have a familiar warmth.

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Sometimes I feel alone here. I mean, I'm not. But I guess I am. There are people I care about and who care about me. But when push comes to shove you realize who comes to mind and who doesn't. I'm not saying that none of these people mean anything to me. Just that I don't feel respected. Or...maybe it's not respect. But I don't feel cherished. I probably don't cross their minds too much when I fade away into myself. I guess that's okay.

Being home reminded me of the people who I do feel that for and from. I got coffee with a group of friends who really do mean the world to me. I drove around with one like a married couple. And I started a fire with another. I missed a few as I was only in town for a couple days and life gets in the way of life sometimes. But I was reminded that no matter how long I'm away and how far I go, there are people there that I truly can't imagine losing. And I learned that I haven't changed quite as much as I thought I had.

I Have Not Forgotten Them.

I have assignments due and responsibilities knocking at my door over and over again. But I just turn up the music and let the beats blend in with the music regardless of how out of sync it all is. That's what I'm doing right now. I just want to write and not deal with these things. My thoughts are on you, actually. This happens frequently. The "you" is usually a different person but lately it's all been this one. It's driving me insane, quite honestly. Playing games and doing things "the right way." It's just not how I'm designed I suppose. I operate differently than those who are squawking in my ears.

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I used to not care much for The Beatles. I mean, yeah, I respected them for their influence - their huge immeasurable influence on music in general. But I never really saw anything spectacular in them. That is until one night while listening to Abbey Road on vinyl - from the original pressing. It was this one bass line on the song Come Together. As soon as it rolled out everything fell into place and I saw why people talk so much about them. I became one of those people.

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I've started writing a friend back and forth. It's very interesting. At times, I feel that I've spread my writing outlets too thin. I have my journal which gets very personal thoughts. Almost like the beginning of theories. And then the somewhat worked out solutions are sent to my friend. And then I have this which is a very general - almost like a summary of the rest. It's the publication of what stuck to the wall.

I've spilled some stuff to him that very few people have heard. Just part of my heart and deep thoughts. It's very freeing as I know that he doesn't judge. I mean, we all judge things. And he and I disagree on many things but we still come to the table openly. It's been very nice.

And typically, when I open up to someone I want answers to internal questions that they don't have. I wrote a few pages on one topic and his response was one sentence. But it was perfect. And that's how our notebook goes, back and forth.

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It's very hard to take advice that goes against your gut. I like to go with my gut more than other people's direction. Sometimes they're right, I know. But I'd hate to think that I missed something because I didn't do what I felt was best. With that comes responsibility for failure as well, and not having someone to blame all of those on is rough - because it falls on my shoulders. But I'd rather have that than a disdain for someone who I allowed to lead me into a hole.

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What drives me more insane is wondering if your thoughts are on me like mine are on you. How fitting that "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" is playing right now.

It's Hard To Be A Decent Human Being.

It's been sometime since I've posted, almost a month. I've been busy but not that busy. I felt and still am kind of not facing things. Just keeping things as superficial as possible. I've been floating around for a little while, mostly waiting for school to start. Well school has started and things aren't really different.

But amongst late nights and lazy days with my roommates, I've had some talks and I've seen change in my life. Change in my thoughts and ideals. Convictions that used to be there that are gone. And all of these, I count for better. And I realize that some people won't ever understand what I mean. But these changes have been here for awhile and I've probably hinted at them. I know people have seen them; People from back home who only see me once in awhile can tell a difference. But I don't know that I could honestly and accurately explain them to you. They include, but are not limited to thoughts on: love, religion, God, and how I am to live life.

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I think the title of this post is fitting, considering what the title was of my post before last. I can see the last one being just about life. And in life there are so many things to do; to be.

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I started this post on September 3rd. It's been awhile. But I have had this post in mind the whole time in between. I've been wanting to return to it so many nights and mornings and tonight seems like the right time.

I just got off of the porch I've been on for the last three hours talking to with a dear friend. We've had these talks for sometime now. Each one is more enlightening than the last. I've been questioned and challenged in regard to all of those things listed above. And there's a lot about me that I don't think I ever knew; or that I pushed aside to never deal with. I wish that I knew where to start, where to spill my heart.

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I think people judge too much. Especially christians. It's like they think they're better than everyone or that if you aren't living like them that you just aren't worth their time. But do they forget that we're all worthless? That all of us are that woman by the well? All of us are whores, murderers & thieves. I wish they'd look into themselves and see that they are no better than the people they condemn. I've seen more of the lost with better hearts than the saved and selected.

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Love is a tough game. And I've been on the bench for awhile. And every time I get a chance to get back in the game I screw it up or find myself disinterested. And it boils down to the fact that I don't have it in me. As much as I want to give love, it just isn't there. There's nothing there for me to give you. There are too many risks and open wounds for you to access and I can't let you touch me there. I just don't have time for that game anymore.

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I feel that I'm not a very traditional christian. I think about God a lot. But I don't care much for these rituals of Sunday morning services and weekly gatherings because they all seem too fake. Too....put on. Too marketed. I'm searching for something real - a real connection that no one seems to be offering. I believe in God, not out of fear but out of reverence. I don't think I could convince someone that God exists because it's inherent in me. I can't look at this world and say that He doesn't. And to me not being able to see that is a travesty.

Too much weight is put on some of these acts and how they show the status of your soul. No one can see into another man's soul and to assume that you can is arrogant. And I don't think we're meant to beat our chest and curse ourselves but rather to love God and our fellow man - faults and all.

I think that if you aren't always searching and questioning your beliefs then you're in the clouds. And I wish you'd see that I am searching; that I am questioning. That if I believe, it will be for me. And that this is very important to me. That I am human and, well...

A Few Thoughts On Torture.

Alright, for those of you who follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you saw my updates regarding the topic of torture. I ended the 140 character messages saying that I would write a longer, more in depth response to that which I heard during the seminar revolving around the topic given by Mark Danner. It was part of a series of seminars given over the last couple of days making up Constitution Week.

First, let me go thru my thoughts on the use of torture by our government to obtain information.

I haven't been known to keep up on current affairs and news trends since my senior year of high school in Mr. Poling's political science class. So aside from a few very large events, I've been out of the loop. So I knew that torture was used during the Bush administration and our operations in Iraq. But I had always thought that it was okay due to the fact that it was for the safety of our country. I thought that if that's what it took to get the job done then it should be done. These people do horrible things to us and others so why not do the same to them when necessary*? To me it was an issue of speaking the same language. Think Native Americans and the English settlers: arrows verses guns. We want to be the kid on the block with the shiny toy and that's what waterboarding is! Okay, so that's a little stretched, but I think you gist.

* That's not to say that torture for the thrill of it is ever right. But if that's what it took, then that's what it took.

Today I went into this seminar thinking that my thoughts were going to be said to be stupid and unintelligent but I was wrong. Danner did disagree, but not in a demeaning way. He spoke intelligently and respectfully stating just what he's researched and felt.

The main point of the whole thing was to show how the use of torture went against the U.S. Constitution. The 8th Amendment specifically states that we won't use cruel and/or unusual punishment. And then there's also the Geneva Convention. And I knew that these were against the use of torture but it really didn't seem like that big of an issue to me.

So Danner started by reading one prisoner's account of being tortured in Iraq. It was that of one of the men behind 9/11 and the first to be interrogated this way. He was more of a guinea pig for the techniques, to see what was effect and what wasn't. I saw it as a method of pulling heartstrings and getting everyone on his side. He was manipulating the crowd and my arms were still folded at this point. but as he talked I started to see his point and even had a couple of questions. I was asking myself, "Should policy be rewritten to account of the change in warfare?" We weren't marching in lines in fields anymore; we're fighting a different war and should adapt to fight it adequately.

Danner explained how the founding fathers of our country who wrote the Constitution put that in there because they saw torture in England and tied torture to tyranny. He also told how interrogation techniques were used against the Nazis that were very effective and didn't involve torture. And how we give up the possibility of true justice when we use torture. We can't bring those who have been tortured into the court system because it's illegal. And at this point I started to think that perhaps torture isn't necessary. We shouldn't have to compromise ideals and human decency to win a fight. If our goal is to eradicate terrorists, we can't just kill them all because they will just keep coming. And if we stoop to their level and torture then that doesn't give them a reason to stop.

And when it came down to it, Danner didn't say that Bush and his administration was evil. He didn't even say they did a bad job. He believed that they believed that they did what they thought was best. But he said things needed to change. That our country needs to stand for what it stood for so long ago, back when we corrected ourselves and admitted mistakes. We need to take a stand and make our thought on the use of torture known. It isn't necessary, it isn't the only way to get things done. We can still fight fairly because this isn't a question of who has the better gun. It seems more of a question of revenge. They deserve this because they are evil. But they are humans and they don't deserve that. We can protect our country and not use torture. 9/11 didn't happen because we weren't using it. 9/11 happened at other security faults of our government - not following leads and investigating people living in the states and more and more. It was just something that happened, like Pearl Harbor. If we knew what we know now, it wouldn't have happened but that's not how it works. And if we'd been torturing then, that doesn't mean anything.

Anyway - those are the thoughts I had yesterday. Feel free to comment - just keep it respectful.

We're Human, This At Least We've Learned.

Last night I intended to play at an open-mic night of a bar near campus. As I was loading into my car, I received a call letting me know that they weren't doing it tonight. So all of my friends who made plans to go and see me decided that we'd hit up Sonic for tasty treats (Lemon Berry Creamslush is among my favorites) and then we'd head over to The House to hang out and perhaps music would still be had. The House is the name that is currently given to the house at which I live - along with Eric, J.A. Barr, Spencer, & Matthew. I could tell you about them all but I would feel like Jack Kerouac. The descriptions would consist of weird occurrences where you weren't and so you probably wouldn't get it - that's not to say that you wouldn't find them all as fascinating as they are...I'm just saying...

Back to the story................

So when one - and by one, I mean me - plays guitar for people, he's very conscious of the fact that people tend to ask to hear songs but once they make their decision, their assessment, critique, they either fake enjoying it or truly do. And he's been in situations wherein someone keeps playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and it feels much like you were just now in wondering how many times I was going to type "and playing." Well, he doesn't want to be that guy. That party guitar guy. Always leave them wanting more! That's what we say.

So even though he really, very deeply wanted to play music and wanted for his friends to hear it he didn't bring it up as if he wanted to play slide show from his trip to wine country for them that they'd endure. So once they started asking, and not just one but a choir of voices asked to hear his songs, he got out his guitar.

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Spencer is a musician thru and thru. He's a writer. He's a thespian of life. But he'd hate to think that he was described in this manner. Talking to him feels like talking to a man who's been at sea for too long and broken more hearts than I've ever known. One who's seen dark places and even dwelt there. Cynical about the world and people who control it. He lives life as best as he can. I don't know if these things are true of him, but that's what I feel. I love being around him.

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Spencer came in and picked up his guitar and made his upright bass ready. He made drunken comments - not that it mattered if he was drunk or not. That's another trait of Spencer. And sadly, the most boring part of the story is it's climax. They played music and there was applause after each one. People saw a side of him that they'd never seen. They had probably started to wonder "what does this kid do, anyway?" Well, he showed them.

So Spencer and some of the others went out side while the rest of them sat inside and even asked for more. Harmonicas were used and lyrics were forgotten but laughter was there as well. It was a good time. And he realized that it was better to play in this setting because it showed that these were true friends and good people who care about him.

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While at Sonic - which I commonly & incorrectly refer to as Sonic's - one brought up the common realization of "how far you've come in a year." I sat there, knowing that I've been thinking about this past year quite a bit lately. He named people in the group who he knew at that point and who he didn't and everyone took a turn at this over top of each other. I wondered how many of those names have come to take someone else's spot.

All of these people I know who I call friends - I didn't even know they existed six months ago. One of them I even had a class with but he doesn't remember. I am thankful for these people. These people who teach me things daily even though I may not see it until reflection or drunken revelations.

But I think of those who have come and gone in my life and how difficult it is to picture their faces or imagine their voices. It's always a little low or has the wrong timbre. Haha, like trying to remember the first line of the 2nd verse in that song last night (Which is: "When it rains will you walk beside me." Oh the things remembered in the shower.) I had to make it up. Like I do with you. The unfamiliar things which used to be so familiar will never be again. And this isn't all bad as that's the way life works. The trick is to not forget it all but remember those who leave a mark and touch your soul.

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I've come a hell of a long way in these twelve months. I've been in places that I never thought I would. I've done things that I said I never would. I am where I never thought I'd be. But I am happy. Each day J.A. makes me laugh as if I'm drunk, to which he replies in a way that only he can, "Are you drunk?" And I just laugh more and even have to question if I am or not.

I have laughed and cried with people that I may never even talk to again. But it's not all sad. I just hope that they remember me as a part of their past like I remember them.

But days turn to weeks and weeks to months. Leaves fall and rise back to their place. Old men close their eyes and babies cry. Things come to an end - good and bad. And life goes on. You can't blame mishaps of your life on others. Just watch your own skin but don't be afraid to bleed. Because it's in those moments that we realize we're human. This at least we've learned.

Two Song Debut.

I've noticed this new voice in my songs. It's one that has slowly been coming out over time but I find it to be near maturity now. Maybe that's not for me to decide. Here's a couple rough videos of two songs I've recently written. The lyrics are there, but you'll have to go back one entry to find some.

I found that using a video is the easiest way to get an immediate result, it does however removed the option of editing sound and such - which isn't that great. Oh well; it'll do for now... Enjoy.

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Had a wife back home

I was on my way to see her

And my baby boy

He was only three years old

But a man came in

He didn't want our things

For what he took that night

I would give it all away

I knelt down and picked them up

Wash the blood from your hands

Lay down in the river

Oh my sweet child

I will deliver

Once the blood turned cold

He went to load his gun

"I will hunt this man

No matter how far he runs!"

He searched around for months

Leaving no stone unturned

But everywhere he went

There was nothing to be learned

And as the man sat by a fire he looked over his shoulder all night

He held his head in his hands and he cried, knowing full well he deserved to die

"What have I done? I am no man! But You, You are the great I Am

Who so ever believes in you, Oh God, My God, Oh God, I do!"

Wash the blood from your hands

Lay down in the river

Oh my sweet child

I will deliver

________________________________

A Man & His String.

I've made lists before. Lists of movies and things to do. It seems that each list just moves from person to person and grows and grows. I know that one day this huge list will be spent on a person who truly matters and is worth all of the time and energy that it will take to see thru. But I don't just mean my time and energy but theirs. I look forward to that day of being equal with someone and on the same page.

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There are many artists whose lyrics truly inspire me and touch me in some way. Maybe it's the message or the words used to get their point across. I think of Aaron Weiss of mewithoutYou and David Bazan, Ben Gibbard and Damien Jurado especially. There's just something in how they string words together. Andy Hull of Manchester Orchestra has an amazing gift and making lines that hit you with the weight of a thousand winds. That's something I strive to do.

I went to see some of my friends' band the other day and it was an acoustic show. Zach, the frontman, said how different acoustic shows are for the fact that you hear the lyrics more and some of the emotion that is at the heart of the song. And I realized that that is why I like a lot of the music I do and write the music that I write - not to say that I wouldn't love to write songs that have a full band and can be experienced that way. I love to hear the heart behind a song and the message of being human and the feelings and thoughts that we have - honestly.

David Bazan writes some of the greatest songs about Christianity and the doubts that we have and the struggle within that lifestyle. It just seems so real.

_______________________________

This is a song that I wrote today I'm going to let it sit and evolve for a few days and then I hope to have a demo of some kind - along with a couple other freshly written songs - up on my myspace. In other news that way, a friend and I are hoping to start working more on that so perhaps some changes are in motion.

I had a dream last night about man who couldn't find His thread

Yeah, He searched thru the cupboards; He looked under His bed

He walked down the road retracing each and every step

The way He watched the ground you'd have thought that it had held on His head

He traveled all the land until He reached the end

Then He took to a boat to try and find that strand

With pain in His eyes; determination in His heart

You could see He would search all His days - nowhere being too far

But I don't know how it ended, I'm not sure where it went

But I like to think He found it, Yeah, a Man and His thread

I wonder where it was, probably somewhere you'd least expect

And I know that He held it like He loved it and He'll love it til the end

I woke in the morning to the sound of rain on my roof

And that's when it hit me, everyone's got something to lose

And that's what we are to You and that's why I believe

That I'm Your string and You're searching for me

Listening To The Taunts & The Shouts of Celebration Wine.

Over the span of my life, I've experienced many late night conversations. Some are similar to others and some sit at the top of the list and shine. Falling asleep on the telephone that stretched hundreds of miles, laying in a field while holding hands to watch the sun rise before going to bed or sitting up passing a cigarette late into the night - whatever it is or has been, they've all contained that piece of life that can't be found anywhere else.

I've always loved having honest conversations with people. It's important to get to that level with each other - with people of different backgrounds, goals, paths, and agendas. It's lead me to form opinions that I'd have never gotten to on my own and to break down preconceived notions about people or ideas.

I don't think that I could stand to not share my heart and mind. It's one of the first things I measure a relationship by. It's what I count true friends by - those people who even thru disagreement don't reject but accept ideas that are not their own.

People come and people go - it's part of life. Sometimes the distances which separate are great whether by land or walls. Regardless, there are people who have fallen out of my path and it's fine by me because whatever brought us together is gone. Desires to maintain anything out of image or good feelings of old times are no more. I'm not sure of the point. It's not of bad feelings but a realization of differences and walls that prevent connection - or reconnection. I guess that I see a relationship built around broken glass and mazes of untouchable objects found in museums isn't worth my time.

But with the same breath I celebrate the relationships I have! Oh the laughs I've had in recent days with tears and beers flowing and the spilling of blood! How I would not trade them for an ounce of the past. I would not give up sitting in the third floor apartment balcony watching the black men play basketball as the moths dance around the light. We laugh and talk about girls and the dumb tricks we've done for them - just to bat their eyes in our direction. Of the places we wish to see and things to do. Of what boils our blood and makes our hair stand on end. True friends are these who I have found for we speak the same language. And for those of you who are lost to me, so be it.

________________________________

I look at my life now and I can't say that I'm pleased with where I'm at in every aspect. I can't say that I've done my best or tried my hardest in areas that matter - there's always room for improvement. But in others, I know I have. I am content. Perhaps I'm just floating right now, like a feather, or a dandelion seed blowing in the wind. I'll land when it's time and until then I'll abide and rejoice.

The Crew Compartment's Breaking Up.

Things have been a little up and down over the last few days. I'm sitting upstairs while the majority of my friends are off watching the new Harry Potter movie. I'm not quite up to date on them all and don't have the funds for a night on the town. Well, so maybe I do. Just not for that night. But rest assured as I have obtained a copy of each film for personal review.

But Dan and Scott are making loud music downstairs so I have my headphones on as I listen to The Long Winters' fantastic EP titled Ultimatum.

___________________________

I've faced some things lately. To be completely honest, small doses of a feeling I wish to never feel again. I think it's just my nature to fall too fast and too hard. But oh well, at least I know I'm alive. And it's not only bad that comes from these times. I've owned up to some things and...well I've stepped up to bat. It feels good. It feels good to be alive.

___________________________

I hate this, this inability to cross over a line and say what I want to. Worrying about feelings and images is just...ridiculous. There's some need to think things are a certain way but to be completely honest they aren't. If that wall weren't there I would say how hurt I was. Not that it was a deep one but enough to grow some clouds. I'd make known the feeling that it's time to mark out some states on my map. But do I really mean that? No. I don't. It'd be said as a sarcastic quip and that's all. But I still wish I could say that - among many other things. As therapeutic as writing is for me, I hate holding it back. Sometimes it doesn't seem real unless it's out. And writing it in a book for myself doesn't always seem like enough. So I don't mean to rub noses in the dirt - I just mean to speak my mind.

But I would also say how wonderful the last week was for me and that it resurrected my belief in happiness with another person. And I have you to thank for that - among many other things.

And The Times Before That, Well, I Was Crazy.

I find it absolutely amazing and sobering and delightful how unexpected life can be. Sometimes that works against us. And after it goes that way one too many times it seems that it'll never go back to the right. And it's dumbfounding how once you quit looking for something and almost don't care the very thing you've wanted all along pokes its head from a cloud and beckons.

Good things are coming. But easy doesn't come with good. In fact, I'd say that difficult comes with good. Afterall, everything good is worth working for. And I'm happy to work for this.

And to think I never thought I'd feel this way again. What a schmuck I was. I had almost forgotten what it was like and it is good.

Can You Feel It? I Feel It. There's Something In The Air.

I haven't written in a long time. It almost feels odd to sit and write here and try to search for words. There isn't anything I've really thought out and felt I needed to write about. Now that I think about it I can't really remember what I've thought about lately. I think I've just been living. But it's been fun. I've enjoyed spending time with friends. Most all of my time has been spent with them lately.

Tonight I'm stuck at home cos my car is still in the shop from a little accident I had. So even though the passenger side door won't open and I'll be on my donut for a couple days - I can't wait to have it back. But then my excuses for not looking for a job are fewer.

I do feel that I'm ready for more. But I'm still feeling lost. Not really lost...but misplaced. I've been in my house for two months and I still feel like I'm living out of a suitcase.

But life still feels good. I guess I haven't posted that actually, as I deleted a draft that I had been working on. But it does. I've made decisions that I stand by and feel that they were the best for me. I've let people down and hurt people but it was necessary. Life can't be all about making others feel better - it has to be about you sometimes. And I think I'm at the "me" point of my life. I like it. I've been feeling lately that I need more in my life. A place to call home and be a part of - and that is slowly happening. For that, I am grateful.

It's odd to think of where things were and how they've been recently and how there is no pattern to predict the future with. Next week it could all be different. But that is life, and I'd rather live it not knowing and being overturned from time to time than seeing it unfolded before me.

______________________________

Well, I've been kidnapped by Ashley Kate and Kristi so I have to get to work on this puzzle now while Kristi makes us brownies to eat as we watch Pride & Prejudice. Yep, this is my life and I'm very pleased.

How Am I To Be?

So it's Three AM and I 'm posting mostly out of the fact that I haven't posted for sometime. I'm sitting on my couch watching Eric & Zach play Halo so this isn't the most inspired of posts but anyway...

It's been a busy few weeks for me. School is out for the summer and I can't take the classes I planned on due to lack of funds and changes in financial aid. I see this as a blessing as I am completely burnt out on classes. I think it'll do me good to sit around being worthless and simply enjoying life - whether it be recording music, telling myself that I'll read a book or any other meaningless-yet-pleasurable activity.

____________________________

I just moved into a house and it's so awesome. Sure the door knob is broken, the shower has a trick to make it work, and there's no dishwasher - it feels real. And I love it. I especially love the air mattress I've been sleeping on as it's a thousand times better than the used mattress I had before.

____________________________

Lately I've found myself either extremely joyful or empty of feeling. It's weird. Everyone man who has ever been in a relationship has been asked one of the most annoying questions ever: "what are you thinking right now?" And I'm here to say that it is completely possible to think absolutely nothing. I don't know if I ever truly believed it. "Nothing" was just an answer to avoid a conversation about some ridiculous thought that runs thru a man's head from time to time that isn't worth talking about at all or to just avoid a conversation completely. But I've caught myself actually thinking about absolutely nothing from time to time. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It doesn't really bother me but I wonder if I shouldn't be thinking about stuff - I don't even know what - just something!

But I guess all in all it doesn't bother me all that much. Sometimes a person needs to just sit and think about nothing and not try to psychoanalyze every happening. To just be. To simply enjoy life - I won't even say "to the fullest." But just to enjoy life. And I think to enjoy life you have to be who you want to be - not who other people want you to be.

Time you enjoy wasting , was not wasted.

- John Lennon.

Double Blind.

I had to record the songs that I wrote for my Commercial Songwriting class.

The CD is due tomorrow so I'm up at 4 am finishing them up. I fully intended on singing and playing into one mic but decided to go a little fancy. So these are the results - A little rough but nice enough.

Please be gentle because, as I already mentioned, I recorded these between 12 and 4 am with only one or two takes.

So check out: www.myspace.com/alexskidmoremusic.

There's more coming...I promise.

To whet your earbuds, We've got a song in the final mixing that includes Cello and Sephra (who can also be heard on Reconnect The Wires).

Enjoy!

Happiness Writes White.

I am naturally drawn to writing whenever I'm stressed out or upset about something. It's how I find my way out of the cloudiness. Writing out my thoughts and expressing those feelings helps me figure it out or at least get it off of my chest.
So it's very fitting that I haven't been writing lately, as things have been so good lately. It feels that this semester I have continuously met positive influences that have also brought along opportunities.
I finally feel like I know what I'm doing. I've declared my minor and mapped out the path I'm taking in my major. My next semester of classes looks to be a great one.
I guess, for the first time in a long time I am happy. There are things that I wish were different but I am happy.

But I think that I avoid writing when I feel this way because I feel that I have nothing to say. Nothing of value. It becomes more of an update to my life rather than something I've learned or am learning. And I know that we learn thru every experience - good and bad - but I feel that things pop out more during the dark times. It's during those times that we are tested and kept on our toes and we learn the most about ourselves. We learn what obstacles we can overcome and to what depths we stoop. It's at these crossroads that we find out who we really are. We face our mortality and humanity and that is what I find worth writing about.
But I must remind myself that life is good; and while it is filled with despair and beauty within that, there is this other kind that is just beautiful. And to truly enjoy life, that needs to be admired just as much.

One Day Without Shoes.

Would You?

Alright, so I wrote a song earlier in the week and meant to post the lyrics. I'm currently in the midst of recording a demo of it which will be up once completed. I will consider it one of my favorite songs until I write something else that is better.
_______________________________

Would you watch the sunrise with me
In a field with no one around
See the light in your hair, golden brown

We could lie in the grass on our backs
And rearrange the clouds with our minds
With each color, oh we could paint a whole new life

As the world comes out of her slumber
I know that there's something so much more beautiful
So would you let me look in your eyes
To see the light that lights up my sky

When it rains will you walk beside me
Thru the dark in a land we don't know
Down roads we swore we would never go

We can cry about last summer
Look back on our time together
And wonder why we ever said goodbye

There's no such thing as forever
Just as flowers die, so will you and I
But don't you worry, Death is the only
One who will ever take me from your side

Would you watch the stars shine with me
If you're cold you can wear my sweater
We'll close our eyelids together, yeah

The Gift of Memory.

Photographs are tricky. I used to be into photography. It was definitely a hobby, as my camera was always with me. I would stop along the road to take a picture of a field or a sunset or I'd trek thru my parent's neighborhood thru the snow. It went like this for a year or two, but then it stopped. I'm not sure exactly why it did. Maybe it was just a phase that my friends and I went thru and once one of us started losing interest, we all did. It could also have to do with the fact that lenses are expensive and I didn't have money to upgrade my equipment.

I remember saying that it was because I couldn't find that beauty anymore. Whatever it was that I found in photography was no longer there. I had captured everything I wanted to and couldn't find anything else. I had already walked thru my neighborhood three or four times and gone out around the city with my friends. I'd taken pictures of my grandma's huge amount of flowers more than once. I felt like I was in a rut - I needed to branch out and take pictures that were different from every other one I had taken. Well, I never really did and my camera gathered dust. Once in awhile I would pull it out and take horrible shots because I didn't remember how to use it. My sister's graduation was a casualty of that.

But the trip to Florida inspired me. Not in some gradios way, but enough to take it. I took pictures of the guys playing - and it took me a little while to remember lighting settings and technics I had learned along the way. But I couldn't wait for the ocean. I could take pictures of the ocean forever. I have hundreds of pictures of flowers and clouds that all look the same to anyone but me.
So today, I went thru a hundred or two of the four hundred pictures I took last week. I haven't touched the band pictures; mostly, I looked at the pictures that I went looking for. I came up with about five, which are the ones lining this post.
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Back to my original statement: Photographs are tricky. There is so much emotion and nostalgia attached to them. Even if there was love - it can bring pain. They are reminders of what once was and how different it is now. Those pictures are easier to not see; but to hide or burn. There is something to be said for remembering and learning from the past, but there's also something to trying to forget it completely.
Even going thru these few, I remember what I thought about out on the beach that morning. Being alone and - for once - enjoying it. Seeing how big and powerful this world is and how small and weak I am. Feeling the ocean breeze and mist on my face. I was at peace that morning as the sun rose and I felt its warmth on my face.

Looking back from today, there's a big difference. I feel these walls closing in on me and all I can find to hold them back is smaller than I am wide. Six weeks...I think I can handle that. And then I can breath, take a step back, and figure this thing out. If only it'd be that easy. At least it will be the break that I've needed for eight months - which I only got a taste of this past week.

Suffered a swift defeat.

I'll endure countless repeats.

The gift of memory's an awful curse.

With age it just gets much worse.

Then The Rest Be Damned.

I realize that this is very past due. I'm quite sorry for that. But this is part four - the finale - of my posts from the trip to Florida last week. It required a little more and I couldn't find the time. Well, I've found it.
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Wed. March 11th, 2009. 12:50 PM (CDT).

We're back on the road, after our wonderful stop at Whataburger. We've dubbed it Weezerburger due to the similarity of the logos.

Here I was at the end of America - no more land - and now there was nowhere to go but back.

We've the windows down and we're rolling down the road; a country road with fields and woods. We're in our routine spells: Andrew is driving with Dan riding shotgun. Andy is watching 30Rock on his iPhone and Devin and Eric are listening to music - as am I. Their dancing about is entertaining and I usually join in. We're having fun. This trip has been great. We've had a few little fits and many more laughs.

I finished part one of On The Road. It felt right to finish the first part all on one trip. He left home when I left and returned when I did. 50 bucks went a lot further back then and hitchhiking was it's own club.
I found it interesting that he would usually settle into a town for awhile - not just a few days but weeks or more. He'd get a job and find a niche. But there always came a time when he felt the need to move on. A few of these times, I was right there with him. I was urging him to move and ready to pick up my bag along side of him. But there was one time where I begged him not to go; I pleaded with him to stay. It was right before he went home; back to New York.
He had met this girl named Terry on a bus. And as he described her and the time that he spent with her and how much they loved each other, I found myself wanting him to stay with her. But that time came and I cursed him. How could he give up something so good because of the road? Maybe he finds her again, maybe not. I don't know yet. But I have a hard time seeing a reason to end something good - whatever it may be - for what seems to not matter.
But he left and he went back home. I guess sometimes those things just happen.


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One Great Red Line.

Sat. March 7th, 2009. 6:14 PM (EST).

Chapter two is only three pages but really sets up what follows for the rest of the book - at least of what I've read up to this point.
Kerouac explains how he's set out on his adventure to meet up with his friends in Denver and he has mapped out an easy route that has him on the same road for most all of his trip. But circumstances arise and his plans fall apart. He's left in the rain, alone, and cursing himself.
And life is that way. I'm reminded of Death Cab's song "What Sarah Said."

And it came to me then, that every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time.

Life has two points - a beginning and an end. But there are many paths that connect those two points. And everyone must figure out their own way. Some are easier than others and others only look that way. But regardless of difficulty, we take one and we walk.
But every path ends - maybe not until the very end, but they all end eventually. And sometimes by the time we realize that a path has become overgrown, we are left standing in the middle of the woods trying to figure out up from down. And in that desperation and time of being lost we question who we are, what we are, where we are going, and even our ability to get there. But we must keep moving; we must keep walking - even when it hurts, because thru all of that, we stumble onto other paths. And each path is different - but we must not forget the paths we've been on. We may regret having ever set foot to it or perhaps we'd die to tread that familiar ground again. But it is our time on these paths that shape us; that teach us who we are.

...I wanted to go west and here I've been all day and into the night going up and down, north and south, like something that can't get started.
It was my dream that was screwed up, the stupid hearthside idea that it would be wonderful to follow one great red line across America instead of trying various roads and routes.

I bet in the end he thanked the Lord that his great red line failed. He saw more of the country and met people like Eddie and Montana Slim and countless others that I have yet to meet. Perhaps it was more difficult and took longer than he intended, but I guarantee that those country roads held more life. And so I am thankful that Route 6 had no traffic on that rainy night one July.
__________________________________

I'll end this entry with this:
At the end of chapter four, Jack says goodbye to Mississippi Gene:

"I hope you get where you're going, and be happy when you do."
"I always make out and move along one way or the other," said Gene.
It was sad to see them go, and I realized that I would never see any of them again, but that's the way it was.

Ocala to Destin:

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The Pearl.

Sat. March 7th, 2009. 3:41 PM (EST).

We've made it to Florida and have only made one stop for gas and food. We've all gotten to the point of putting on head phones to listen to music or watch TV shows; We're reading or air drumming to whatever it is we're listening to. Actually, only Eric does the drumming - but it isn't really drumming...I think you'll have to ask him what it is exactly. Once in a while we break out of our spell to answer a text message or make a joke about a sign along the road, all the while Andrew plugs on with driving.

And after a few attempts to read that have failed due to my ability to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, I have successfully read a chapter of a book I have read countless times. Part 1 Chapter 1 of On The Road by jack Kerouac. I borrowed this book from my friend Jared awhile back and started it. But each time I started it had an interval of about a month so I just started over each time. I've since given his copy back and bought a copy of my own - two in fact. But one was intended as a gift that will never be given.

The last line of this chapter caught my head - much like it has each time I've read it:

Somewhere along the line I knew there'd be girls, visions, everything; somewhere along the line the pearl would be handed to me.

I have read further on thru this - only to chapter 6 at the most. But what is this pearl he talks of? I assume that it's different for everyone - and that's why this line fits everyone. I've been into books lately that have been about hitting the road and having an adventure. I read one by Don Miller, Through Painted Deserts, and am half way thru a book titled Wild At Heart - about how men are driven for adventure. And after I read Miller I knew that I wanted to read On The Road. I actually went thru a phase of buying every book of Kerouac's that I came across. I started one called The Dharma Bums but it fell to the wayside. I intend to read it one day too. I intend to do a lot of things that may never happen. We'll see.
But it was from reading these books that led me to crave an adventure - something to do that was challenging. My friends back home and I are planning a camping trip when I go home in June and my father and I are planning a trip out west to explore the desert together. This road trip may not be an adventure like that, but it's something. It's the road - and the road is therapeutic. I find it calming. And I think it stems back to why I started on long drives and what that meant to me.

And I don't know what I'm looking for, what I need. I have ideas and I have desires - some of which may never come to pass. But I know that somewhere along the line the pearl will be handed to me - whatever it may be. And I would like to feel prepared and equipped to receive it well when that time comes.

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The Taste of Blood.

Sat. March 7th, 2009. 10:22 AM (EST).

We hit the road around 7:20 AM (CDT). Actually, according to the clock in Andrew's Tahoe, it was 7:19 and I can tell you that for a fact. I pay attention to numbers. But I will most always round them one way or the other so that you don't know that. I suppose that I find it more "normal" to not have a mind for time or numbers like that. And in no way do I mean that I'm good with numbers - math is a foreign language that I stumble thru. Much like saying that I speak french when I use works like rendezvous or buffet. But I always remember them. If you call me, chances are I will know exactly when you called me and if you ask what time it is, then I know exactly - but I will make it sound like an estimation. I pay attention to a lot of details - it just comes thru more with numbers. That is one of my quirks.

Eric, oh Eric, he brought his xbox and a TV screen so that we can play Call of Duty in the car. It is awesome...to say the least. However, it is very difficult to aim when bouncing around in the back seat. But I think my favorite part of the trip thus far, is Devin falling asleep next to me and hogging the entire bench. Oh well, at least he's cute. Oh, and there was the time that we hadn't even gotten out of Murfreesboro and were flagged down cos our trailer door was open or something. I wasn't really paying attention so I'm not completely sure of the details.

So right now...I have no idea where we are. I think we've gotten thru Atlanta, Georgia, but I have no idea as I have fallen asleep at various times. This is partly because I fall asleep like a baby when I am in the car. It also has to do with the fact that I stayed up all night erasing and filling my iPod. That was stupid. It's to the point where it is becoming very difficult to fit an adequate and representative amount of my 70 GB music collection onto my 30 GB iPod. I'm near time for an upgrade - either that or the bands I like need to stop making albums. But anyway, we are on our way to Orlando. I'll let ya know if we make it. Also, you can follow all of our Twitters at Andrewadamsonline.com


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Oh, The Weather Outside Is Weather...

I must admit that I am so happy I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall last night so that I remembered the line that is the title of this. That movie is wonderful on so many planes of wonderful.

So today! This is what I woke to! I'm very torn. You must understand that I absolutely love snow. I like driving in it, I like playing in it - I just like it.
But today is March 1st. There comes a point where - after being teased by warm beautiful days - you just want the summer sun. But today, I will try and enjoy the snow. I understand why people don't like it. It's cold, it's just one step away from rain, and driving in it can be treacherous. But I find there to be something peaceful about snow. In the winter, when it covers naked trees and the cold, dead ground it brightens up the world. It illuminates the day (mostly due to the sun's reflection off of the tiny ice crystals) and brightens up my mood. So I will always welcome snow and the cleansing it brings.
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I've been in this mood of only listening to They Might Be Giants. It is simply amazing what that does to a person.

All That I Need.

It's amazing how songs come about. You could sit down for hours trying to come up with lyrics and get nothing. And then you could be walking down the street and get hit with lyrics and melody when there's no way to write it down.
I've been feeling uninspired lately - partly due to the fact that I have to write a song for my class on Monday. So today I returned home and sat down with my guitar and just started playing. Within 40 minutes, this is what I had. I'm quite fond of it and I hope you are too.
[March 6th Edit: Reworked lyrics.]
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You used to agree
You were the one for me
Cos I made you happy
And that was all you need

But You don't believe me
When I say I do
And You don't see me
The Way that I see you

I'm trying to see
What you don't see
But you make me happy
And that is all I need

But You don't believe me
When I say I do
And You don't see me
The Way that I see you

Now that you've stopped returning my calls
All that I can do is pray, Lord don't let me fall
As I walk away down this road I must take
and hope that you'll run up behind me and say

That I believe you
When you say you do
And I now see you
The way that you want me to

Because you make me happy
And that is all I need

The Way To Go Back Home.

This is a song that I recently wrote for my songwriting class along with a couple of this weeks' postsecret updates. Enjoy!
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I never thought I'd wander so far
From the love within your arms
But here I am begging you
Show me the way to go back home

Cos I don't really know where we are anymore
Last that I recall you walked out the door
Could you tell me how long I have been on the floor
Bleeding from my heart

These roads I'm on look so dark
But there's a light within your arms
So here I am begging you
Show me the way to go back home

Cos I don't really know where we are anymore
Last that I recall you walked out the door
Could you tell me how long I have been on the floor
Bleeding from my heart

Because I've been down every road
And none of them feel like home
To me, you are the only...

Show me the way to go back home
Show me the way to go back home
Cos I don't really know where we are anymore.
______________________

True, this is added hours after the original posting but it fits enough that I don't see the point in making a new post. I've been recording a few of my songs over the last weeks with one of my roommates and I must say that it's going well.
We're recording "Life In Line," "How Much Time I've Got," "Reconnect The Wires," and "You Were Brave." These are for his class and hope to record a few more outside of his class - if we have time. (Those will most likely include some of the following - if not all: "Stars," "Not Enough," "The Way To Go Back Home," "The Whistle of The Kettle," and "The Winds Have Changed.") That way I can release some sort of collection with at least eight songs on it.
Tonight I sat in his room listening to him mix a couple of them and it was really weird. Up until now, the only way I've ever heard my songs was by me playing them. But to hear my song played for me was different. And I think it is a good thing to love your own songs just as much - if not more when you hear them coming from a speaker other than your own voice and fingertips. It was soothing. I realized that the songs I write are songs that I would listen to. It was comforting.
So soon - within a month or two - I will have a few tracks up on my myspace and, hopefully, elsewhere.
At this point, drums and bass are laid down. I believe vocals, guitar, and harmonica will be done in the next week or so. We're also looking at getting a cello player and some Hammond B3 which would be more than amazing. I can't wait to share these songs (and hopefully make some green).

Albums That Have Changed My Life.

Write down the albums that have had such a profound effect on you that they've changed your life or the way you look at it.

So, I hopped on the craze. At least it's not a "25 things...," right? This is a task that would take me days to fully think thru - and even then I would probably find more to add or feel that I'd cheated some out of their position. There are so many that could fit into this list for various reasons. So I'm looking at albums that made me sit back and truly listen as soon the first song started. I feel that it would be cheating to include entire discographies, so I'll choose my favorite album out of an artist's catalog. So it is more likely that I'm just stating my favorite artists and their best album in my opinion. (*** will be code for: "Check out their other albums too!")
There's no particular order to this list except for the first one.


Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticism.
This is hands down my favorite album of all time. I think it is rare to find an album feels perfect from track one to the end. This is the most solid collection of songs I have come across. The tracks builds from one to the next, never missing a beat - From the explosion of "The New Year" to the simple waves of "A Lack of Color," it is a beautiful album. Their latest release, Narrow Stairs, does give this one a run for its money. Gibbard's writing is incredible and one of my biggest influences. ***

The Long Winters - When I Pretend To Fall.
At the sake of being redundant, great imagery and lyrics. I don't always understand what it means but it's amazing. I remember seeing them live at the Grey Eagle in Asheville, NC. He didn't bat an eye as a drunk guy got on the piano and tried to play along with them. As soon as I heard the first track - Blue Diamonds - I was hooked on this band.
If you don't have twitter, then I suggest joining just to follow along with John Roderick. It's indescribable. ***

Nada Surf - Let Go.
I've seen this band live four times - I think. The first time I saw them in Ohio and it blew me away. Probably the best concert experience I've had. I think this album is their point of ascension. Each album after it has been different and completely solid. But there's a feeling to this album that keeps me coming back. ***

John Vanderslice - Pixel Revolt.
This guy is amazing. Some of the best live shows I've been to. Again, wonderful writing and more inspiration. How anyone can write a song about a visit to a hooker and move your heart simultaneously is beyond me. ***

(Coincidentally, I purchased all of the above albums on the same day. Pixel Revolt may have been just a while after the others. It was a day that changed my music interests around. And I owe it all to TMBG's Indestructible Object EP and the Barsuk Treats sampler.)

Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings The Flood.
I think this was one of my first Indie Folk albums and I've fallen deep into that pool. I'd swim there forever if it didn't make my fingers prune.

Coconut Records - Nighttiming.
I found this album to be completely refreshing. It's so different from anything I've heard - in a long time.

Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days.
Again, beautiful songs that come from that part of us that is so hard to interpret. "Naked As We Came" is one of my favorite tracks.

Damien Jurado - Caught In The Trees.
An album that's all about heartache. I feel like he read my mind with some of these lyrics.

Bill Mallonee - Audible Sigh.
This guy is amazing. I've had the pleasure of meeting him a couple times. He knows the road for good and bad and I feel his soul in his words. He doesn't just write a story, he writes a little part of himself in each song. A true artist. I think it's safe to say that anytime I reference a train in a song my own, it is because of this man (So far I've got two.) "Resplendent" is one of my favorite songs ever.

Noah And The Whale - Peaceful, The World Lays Me Down.
This album got me thru some rough times. Wonderful songs about love and loss.

Conor Oberst - Conor Oberst.
This guy can pump out tons of lyrics for his songs. I'm a big fan of Bright Eyes' more recent works. But this feels so much more mature and honest. I also have to thank this album for getting me thru the longest drive of my life. Amazingly, the memory connected to this album doesn't keep me from listening to it. It is that good.

Pedro The Lion - Achilles Heel.
I hadn't really heard of David Bazan or heard him until I saw him open up for Ben Gibbard a few years ago. This album is awesome and has introduced me to one of my biggest influences. All of his songs are completely human and almost despicable at times. He knows how to say what the darkest parts of our hearts feel and make it sound not so bad. Listen to "I Do" or "Options" off the album Control to see what I mean.

Say Hi - The Wishes and The Glitch.
I saw these guys years ago - when they opened for Nada Surf at the show in Ohio. Back then they were called Say Hi To Your Mom. I bought it on vinyl on a whim and thank the Lord I did.

She & Him - Volume One.
Like Coconut Records, this album was and is very refreshing. That could be due to the fact that She sings on it. She steps back into the 50's and 60's and I wish I could go there too. Her voice is more beautiful in person, angelic even. You may have heard it in a little movie called Elf.

The Shins - Oh, Inverted World!
One of my favorite songs ever is on this album. I do love their other two albums and they are all pretty different. I'd have to say it's a tie between this and Wincing The Night Away. This one is just ahead because of "New Slang."

They Might Be Giants - John Henry.
There are so many albums in TMBG's catalog and all of them are completely different and amazing. This one sticks out more than the rest for some reason. It's a little darker and longer than most of their other ones. But it just barely overtakes Flood, Apollo 18, and Factory Showroom are right up there. It's odd to say, but I listen to all of the music I do today because of the musical path that this band has led me onto. So thanks goes to them and jared and Jim for introducing me to them.

M. Ward - Hold Time.
This album just came out last week but I already love it. If you turn on my iPod right now, it will most definitely be halfway thru the song "Jailbird." He's also the Him of She & Him.

Weezer - Pinkerton.
This album is amazing and would kick Blue's arse in a fight. Don't argue - just accept it.

**I'm tired of writing descriptions.**

Beulah - The Coast Is Never Clear.

Calexico - Carried To Dust.

The Decemberists - Castaways & Cutouts.
The Elected - Sun, Sun, Sun.
Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes.
Jon Foreman - Season EPs.
Ben Kweller - Sha Sha.
Jenny Lewis - Acid Tongue.
Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank.
The New Pornographers - Twin Cinema.
The Postal Service - Give Up.
Josh Ritter - Animal Years.
Rogue Wave - Descended Like Vultures.
Sea Wolf - Leaves In The River.
Sigur Ros - Takk...
Elliott Smith - Figure EIght.
The Snake The Cross The Crown - Cotton Teeth.
Spoon - Gimme Fiction.
Sufjan Stevens - Illinois.
The Thrills - Let's Bottle Bohemia.
Rocky Votolato - Makers.

The Walkmen - You + Me.

The Welcome Wagon - Welcome To The Welcome Wagon.
Denison Witmer - Are You A Dreamer?


If I go any further, I'll just number out all of the albums I own. What can I say, I love my music. Music is a huge part of my life. It feels so natural to express myself thru music more than any other way. I cherish the music I listen to: the lyrics, the music, the message. That is why I listen to the music I do, because it feels genuine - and not just for the sake of selling records. I've been inspired and have crafted my own voice by listening to what I do and I am thankful for it all.