Love Is A Lesson.

Commitment is a big word. Well, it is. I suppose the bigger problem, however, is not an inability to commit but rather the ability to find someone who is worth committing too. I've been in committed relationships before and I understand how that works. That's not to say that it is always easy. But I get it. I see the imperative value that it has within a relationship.

Compatibility. That's a big word. So big that at times I have to take a breath halfway thru saying it. So much stock is put in relationships and I'll admit that I'm frustrated by my lack of involvement. There's all that crap that everyone would think are the parts that I miss: holding hands, kisses...you know. All of that. And I'd be a liar to say that I don't miss those parts - I crave those parts. But you know what I long for? Being able to trust and explain myself to someone. I miss being open and honest.

There's a wall between me and most everyone I know that prevents me from saying a lot of what I really wish I could say. And it never bothered me before because there was an outlet for those things. I feel sort of like a bottle that's been closed up for too long so that all of this pressure is building on the other side of the cork. So my logical fear is that when someone does decide to open it they'll be standing there drenched with their mouth gaping at me.

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Actually, there's a lot of fear in me regarding relationships. I have a fear of the past repeating itself and that pain isn't something I wish to experience again or put another thru. I've wasted time and energy on people - great people - but it never blooms. Age, proximity, Time. All of these have stood in the way. For all I know, if I'd have said hello to the girl in the library who caught my eye then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. It's those risks...

And I do fear commitment. I feel pretty comfortable in this sad hole I've made for myself. I like doing what I want to do and answering to nobody - even if it is damaging at times. I don't want to spend more time in something that doesn't come to pass. To wake up and find that what I've held onto has vanished.

I fear the risk. I went thru a phase giving and getting numbers. I felt on top of some game. But a lack of fruit kills game and soon the players begin to question whether sports are really for them. After all. I am pretty good at solitaire.

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I don't think love is what I thought it was. I think I had some things wrong and that I still do. And what love is by my standards is something that I don't have in me. It's nothing I can give.

Love isn't something I'll create on a page but sort of a seed we'll nurture and grow together.

- Kevin Wilson.