Who Needs Fire?

How I crave a warm fire to crawl up next to and lay like a snake. Instead, my space heater and a cup of hot tea will have to do. Sure it’s 1:30 in the AM, but I do get an extra hour tonight. So I will waste it away as if it didn’t even exist.
I write now, listening to jenny Lewis, feelings I’ve been trying to scribe out for weeks now. I’ve actually had this yearning to write, but haven’t been able to sit and spill. I have an idea for a story I want to write. It’s kind of my life right now; w/ some exaggerated details and predictions that probably won’t happen. It’d be nice if I could channel that writing creativity into my paper that’s due Monday. Oh well. Stress is the best motivator.

So much seems to be happening. I feel like I really know what I want to do; of course it requires me to leave Sara and return north. Middle Tennessee State University has a program in Music Production. Sadly, only four classes from CCCC (my current school) transfer to MTSU. So, I’m going home for a semester to take classes @ Fairmont that will transfer down. And pray to God that I’ll get into MTSU.
For once what I want doesn’t seem so far fetched. I’ve wondered if dreams ever do damage to life ever since I heard nada surf’s “in the mirror”. Pipe dreams are wonderful, but if that’s all you have going for you then maybe it’s time to put down the pipe. It’s like someone saw me putting down the pipe and said, “What are you doing? That’s crazy – don’t stop dreaming.”
Dreams are what we’re made of. Sara always has these crazy dreams that never make sense. I like hearing her dreams. Especially when they’re about me.

It’s sad to think that there are people who don’t have dreams of their own. That there are people who aren’t happy, and have no clue of what would make them happy.
I like knowing, or at least thinking that I know, what that is.

I feel like making a mix CD, so I believe I leave to do so. I do owe a few people some anyway.
The combination of Jenny Lewis, a space heater, and a cup of lady Grey Tea is a very soothing one.

I’ve changed my mind; never put down your pipe. Smoke it long and hard, until you’re dead…or living.

Gone. Forgotten?

I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
-Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey)

i watched "american beauty" the other day. now i can't remember why it motivated me so much. that motivation didn't last long, whatever it was.

i have new pictures up!

College Funds.

these roads are so familiar, but it seems like it has been years since i've been here. things have changed, but the people remain. as i walked into the church during middle school youth group, i looked around to faces that i missed. it was a warm welcome and i loved every minute of it.
everyone commented on my pseudo-beard; i said i was shaving it and they cried, "NO."
i still think i will.
it feels so good to be home. my parents and i talked early into the morning about all kinds of stuff. i've missed them quite a bit.
my mom rearranged my room.
some guy passed me on the way home, and screamed "asshole" at me; i caught up to him but didn't know what to do. so i did nothing.
it's freezing in West virginia. i'd kill to be a polar bear; except then i'd be in the tundra. that's colder than west virginia. so would it really be worth it?
this week i look for a new college and read and play lots and lots of poker.

Dwindling Flame.

when will things change?
i've applied at 4 different places, and none feel like hiring me.
i've put homework off every time i've had it. i've told myself that i wouldn't do that anymore after each time. i'm doing that right now actually.
i'm still lazy, which i also told myself i would do no more.
i have written a few more songs. that's about the only thing i've done to make me feel valuable.
i have thought more about what i want to do. i've come up w/ some ideas but they are hard. i think they'd be worth it tho.

my english class really is good. the few people i've hung out w/ outside of classes are in that class. we talk a lot about current events and relate them to writing. it makes me think.

i am enjoying this. it seems all of my posts lately have been downers. it's just that i'm seeing how unsure of everything i am. but i'm seeing other things. i've grown since i've been here. i've been forced to wash dishes and clean and cook. being responsible for yourself is really something. it's not all cake either.
my biggest upset is being alone so much. and i don't really feel that i have people close by who can take that feeling away.
it's hard to explain.
i've seen what i really enjoyed, what i should have treasured. hearing about things back home is fun but it makes me miss it too.
i'm full of contridictions. i've always had the problem of seeing both sides and trying to even it out. then it all hits in the middle and a blah comes out.

okay, it's time to turn off the mewithoutyou, drive away from my secret location, and go study for biology. goodnight all.
and remember, it works both ways.