Stop > Rewind > Play.

---Written August 11th---

It seems like I have had the time to really sit and think for a long time. I have so many feelings hitting me hard at once and it’s quite unbearable. Feelings that I thought I’d be over are here again. Ones I hadn’t felt before are here. New worries and new “what if’s”.

Two of my friends are getting married today. I’m the best man but I don’t feel that I should be. I’ve been so busy that other people have done everything. I’ve been really busy. I wish I could have done a better job of celebrating it. and writing speeches doesn’t come very easily to me.

I think a lot of the feelings lately have caused me to look at friendships more cynically. I see people I used to love, people who I felt loved me and I just feel nothing. I think I actually cringe a little when I see them. We’ve grown in separate directions but it doesn’t feel so sweet when our paths cross. Then there are people that I’ve known forever and it seems now, right as I’m leaving, I’m wondering why I haven’t spent more time w/ them.

No body ever knows how it ends for them; it would be so much easier. I wish I knew who I would marry, where I would live, what I’ll do for a living. I wonder if I’ll be happy and if I’ll love what I do. I hope I do. I hope I find my hole.

I just got back from kids camp this morning. That was a strange week.
Concerns about my future bubbled up. When kids ask questions it really makes you think. And I wish I could have explained it better or felt like what I said got thru. There was so much to tell some of them.
i always feel like they don’t really understand what they’re doing when they “accept Jesus” . we just pray w/ them w/o telling them what they’re doing it. it feels manipulative to me. I’d rather them know the real truth and reject it than to accept a misinterpretation.

I don’t think I know myself. I think I’m still trying to be what I think everyone wants me to be. I’m still trying to make people laugh. It doesn’t always work and I usually feel like a sore thumb.
if I were me, I’d be mean; or at least right now. I hate consequences. Thinking of other people can be a real nuisance some times.

My life changes in nine days forever. Forever is a long time. Especially when you throw out the key.

------

the wedding was awesome. i had fun. watching jon and jess say their vows really was good. i could tell how much they loved each other that day very well.
my speech went well i thought, it was short and i got choked up a bit. dancing w/ sara was a lot of fun too. we're both so white that it doesn't matter.

things seem to have sorted out some in my head. i feel very good about everything. i'll still miss a lot of stuff. there are many things that will be hard to do w/o. and everybody has things they wonder what could have happened. but they didn't so, i'm moving on. i can pick up where i am now.

this week is full of packing, cleaning, and goodbyes.

pictures coming soon - i swear.
Ladderboy.