I'm Gonna Let You Down.

Fall is here. I can feel the leaves starting to curl up as we speak. We aren't the only things to shudder in the cool breeze. Brightly colored scarves and caps are itching and beginning to wake up - ready to be pulled out of boxes and drawers. This is the season I live for. The season where I feel alive - as I watch the world die.

I recently read a friend's post wherein they wrote of being jealous of those like me because he hates the cold. For me it is a creative spark that comes alive. I sit in my cold room and read or write. It just feels how I imagine I was meant to live. I love the cold.

__________________________

Friendship is a fickle thing - or at least it can be. It's been a topic of discussion as of late between many and myself. it's something that we all strive for in some manner. It's a beautiful thing to be understood or at least feel that you aren't completely alone. And I cherish all of my friends for their strengths and faults.

__________________________

We've all had friends come and go. Maybe you moved away or lost them in a breakup. Or perhaps you simply drifted apart and what used to tie you together unraveled. I've lost them in all of these - each with their own sting.

But hurt is something that we get over. It may not be tomorrow but it occurs. You start to forget what it was ever like and when you do remember, you aren't even sure it really happened. Maybe you just saw it on television or in a dream.

__________________________

I used to get disappointed pretty easily but as I've grown up and spent more time walking around I've come to realize that we're all mess-ups. Everyone puts their foot in their mouth, cuts off a school bus and fails tests. So I don't expect everyone to be perfect. There are so many little things that can end friendships that aren't worth it. And I've overlooked quite a few because the person matters more. And after all, I know that I'm gonna let you down so I'll give what I'll ask for.

Everyone's a Wild Card.

This summer has brought a lot of change to my life and I've been pretty busy - too busy to sit down and look at it all. Actually, that's not true. I've sat down many times but it's hard to think when your head is empty or saying the same things it's said all along.

I remember what love is but I haven't forgotten loss.

I forgot what trust and faith were which makes them difficult to have all of the time.

People have come and gone from my life. Some of the coming has resulted in the going.

Rings are exchanged and babies are born.

I see the need to grow up as responsibilities are piling on my shoulders. It's time to put childish things behind me and stop wasting time. I've mastered wasting time.

I am alive, even though I'm not sure what for. But isn't that part of the point? To figure out this journey and find happiness?

I'm finally feeling at ease with myself. Actually, that's not true.

And this, like so many things in my life, is incomplete.

Too Bad The Scene is Dead.

The days are switching here in Murfreesboro, TN. Friday just clocked in. I'm up late reading for summer classes that I'm taking and entirely too far behind in. While this is going on, my parents are settling in forty minutes away. They're here for a few days but of course I'm bogged down with marketing projects and business plans for these classes.

One of the classes I'm taking is about starting a recording studio, which I kind of fell into after the classes I intended on taking was cancelled. The other class is all about indie labels and how they work. I've found it fascinating as I've been big on indies for awhile. I had the professor who is teaching it a couple semesters back for a marketing class and was happy to see his name as the instructor. He continually talked about this book titled Our Noise that is about Merge Records - started by members of Superchunk in Chapel Hill, NC and featuring artists such as She & Him, Arcade Fire, Spoon, M. Ward, Telekinesis, Conor Oberst, Neutral Milk Hotel and countless others.

_______________________________

I sat on the porch with Spencer talking of post-graduate plans. I really don't have any. I mean, I have dreams - what I want to do - with is synonymous with what I won't do. At least in my head. I suppose that stems from a lack of confidence in myself after seeing a continual pattern of failing to come thru.

But I've always liked the idea of owning or at least working for a small label or record store or studio. Just something that was really happening and passionate about what we were doing. And all the while, I hope to be putting out music of my own. Maybe not for the masses like I dreamt of in my early years, but for people who find it and enjoy as much as I do.

I just have too many distractions around that keep me from doing what I want to.

_______________________________

As I read this book, which I'll be tested on tomorrow and am only halfway thru, I read names of stores and venues - Local 506, Cat's Cradle, Armadillo Grill, School Kid Records...To think that I've walked the streets where all of this happened. All the history - all the inspiration was there and I had no idea. And to think that I actually saw Mac from Superchunk with his other band, Portastatic when they opened for Spoon & The Clientele - or maybe it was Rilo Kiley & The Brunettes - at Cat's Cradle. I remember making fun of them with sara. What a privilege.

Faces flood my mind from a life gone. It's really fascinating how much my life has changed in the last two years. And I'm amazed at how much I miss North Carolina and the world that exists there. I think it's the only place that's ever truly felt like home, even if I'm not welcome.

_______________________________

I suppose this post is mostly out of an urge to write and empty my brain for a second.

There is absolutely too much music out there that I need to hear. It's frustrating beyond belief. As Spencer said, we should always be learning and ingesting as much as possible - be it film, music, writing - anything that we have created. I'm beginning to see.

Anyway, I better get back to reading.

When The Tide Rises Somebody Sinks And Is Gone In The Blink of An Eye.

I've always been drawn to film. Of course as a source of entertainment but also as a thought provoking and beautiful artform. I can't sit thru a Tyler Perry movie or some drivel made for a cheap laugh. I'd much rather watch something that will stimulate me and force me to answer or at least look at questions that everyone should answer about themselves and the world around them.

________________________________

I've been watching Six Feet Under. It's a now canceled television show about a family and the funeral home they run. I guess, I've always been fascinated by death. Not in some gothic way that leads me to wear black but as this unavoidable end of all things. I have my own ideas of what comes with death and how it all works but that's just it - everybody has their own ideas. Maybe you believe in heaven and hell or reincarnation or nothing. But I think that however you view death should ultimately direct how you live your life.

________________________________

One of my friends was in this playwriting class and he asked another friend and me to perform it for his class as his final. I've never really been one for acting and performing that art form but he convinced me that I'd do fine and we read thru it a few times and I felt better. So we walked into the classroom and sat down and waited for our turn. The point of this isn't to tell how well or badly we did but actually to discuss the play performed after ours. The scene was between two characters, one a very cold and impersonal figure played by a beautiful girl and the other, an average person played by some guy. I just remember that he wore all black and had his hair slicked back like some stereotypical theater kid. Again, this isn't important. But you should know that she was beautiful.

Anyway, the exchange between them slowly unraveled to expose the whole point of this play to be a motivational kick. The man had just died and had found himself in a "performance review" of his life. As she explained how he had done nothing to better the world around him or even himself and that this ultimately meant his failure at life, he begged for another chance, defending his actions like a man about to face the gallows.

________________________________

A lot of people are afraid of death. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't at least a little. I don't quite get how some people ask "why" in times of death. Whether you believe in a god or not, we are biological beings made of atoms and genetics that we won't ever fully understand. Once we accept that - the frailty of ourselves and the inevitable brokenness that comes - we are truly free to live.

Life is full of uncertainties but we can't allow ourselves to hold us back out of fear of rejection or failure. I don't want to be making excuses at my performance review about how I never jumped because I was afraid to fall. I wanna smile thru broken teeth, blood in my eye, crooked bones, covered in scars and able to honestly say I gave it a hell of a spin.

Is It Your Way Or The Highway?

Going to a university does a lot to a person. Lines drawn and promises made in ages past are crossed and broken. It's all about exposure. As new people enter your life with different backgrounds than you and your home bunch, you see sides to things that used to cause gasps, hushed whispers and raised hands over mouths. But now those things don't seem as bad.

_________________________________

Next Monday marks the end of my 24th year. As every year, I look back to see what I've done and like every year I question what worth I have. What meaning does my existence hold? I know that I'm not living to my full potential and I can accept that. But it stings a little, to see people who have done something with their life - who used their early years to make something happen. I have a very hindering lack of drive. I wasn't pushed into anything as a child. I wasn't taught to do my best. I do what I have to get by. And that's no way to live. I lead a C average life.

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I joke that I started life late, taking time off after high school. Most of the people I graduated high school with have graduated or started families. But here I am, still in school and completely unaware or ready to be out of this phase of life. But honestly, it is unsettling. Perhaps I assume that they are happy or have their heads on straight. But I'm starting to believe that nobody ever truly gets their head on straight.

__________________________________

I am grateful for this life even if I have a funny way of showing it. But I'm afraid that I'm wasting it. And I'm afraid that in 24 years I'll be ungrateful.

__________________________________

Did you know that Michael Jordan was playing for the Bulls by my age?

The Art of Making A Good Sequel.

I went for a run today. It's the first one in a long time. Probably since my time at home during Christmas. It may have been longer than that. I find choosing the right music to be the key. I had something in mind, I believe it was Miles Kurosky's album but I ended up going for mewithoutYou as it was what I had listened to last and the song "Every Thought A Thought of You" just felt right.

When I go running I usually go down to the end of Ewing to where the water tower stood up until about two weeks ago. Then I turn left and come back down Bell Street until I meet Crestland. Then I walk up to my house. If I do that twice it's about two miles. Today I only did it once.

My favorite part was when I was chased by a little pepper colored dog. He yapped and I laughed.

__________________________________

As I sat on my porch, hoping to God that I didn't throw up or pass out, I noticed a cigarette burning in the wet leaves. In the time it took for me to run my course, it took Austin to smoke. I've been thinking more and more that I shouldn't smoke cigarettes anymore. I wouldn't say I'm a smoker by any means as one pack lasts me longer than a month. It's just the occasional one at night as we talk on the porch or after a few drinks. It's a good break from having my nose in a book or after I've been thinking too hard about a song. I used to really like the taste. Maybe that's why I started out with the candy ones. I have two left that have been there for over a month. If I wait long enough, I know that Spencer will steal them. I have come to think that cigarettes aren't nearly as bad as we've all been told. I mean, yeah. They're horrible little sticks of shit but a little poison never killed anyone. And isn't it nice to cause a little destruction once in awhile?

It's a nice fall day but it's nowhere near fall. It just feels like it. It's actually a good day to sit on my porch with a book & a cigarette. But I would hate to sound like a hypocrite.

__________________________________

It's also a good day to sit in my slightly chilly room and play guitar. I've been working on a handful of songs for a while now. The content is different than my older ones. Well, that's not true. They're all about relationships. I guess they're just different ones. Every chorus isn't just some sad sack wailing about a woman who broke his heart. But some of them are. They're about being lied to and being tired of watching a friend drink their self to death.

But it's that second verse that always gets me. That's where I'm stuck with most of them. Or finding some way to spice them up and make them longer than two minutes.

I've actually thrown the idea around to quit writing songs. It used to be an outlet but now it feels more like a responsibility. I don't know if my heart is in it anymore. That's what happened to my photography. But I don't know what I would take up. I love to write but I feel that it's gotten in my head that it has to be a certain way. I dunno. It's not for me anymore. I miss that. But I don't think I'll ever really stop. Inspiration will come, the wall will crumble and I'll finish something.

__________________________________

I think that's why sophomore albums seem to slump. Who really has all that much to say? I could take the thirty or so songs I've written and pick out ten that are really good and make an album and be done with it. Go be an investment banker or something.

I'm trying to teach myself some music theory to help out with that. It's gone well so far. I mean, really, who wants to be an investment banker?

I Decided To Never Ride Again.

I've been very selfish lately. I take all of the time I have and throw it out the window. Usually, I'd be the first to defend taking a moment for yourself but it has gotten a little out of hand. I feel bad about that. I believe that it is time for me to do some growing up. I've used the last year and a half to do whatever I wanted. I tried to make it about something bigger but the truth is, I took my freedom - after I accepted it - held it close to my chest, abusing it.

I've been lonely, lonelier than I have ever been. I remember being very upset to leave my girlfriend for Thanksgiving when I was a freshman in high school. I laid awake all night thinking of her and wishing to be with her. I've been lonelier than that though. That memory just always sticks out to me.

I've made an art of numbing myself. I used to write a lot more. Songs, thoughts, blog entries. I've put my brain on autopilot and just gone thru the motions. But really, I've been using my brain a lot. I've read a little more than usual and tried to be more aware of my surroundings. I just don't ever sit down to release some of that knowledge that fills me up. It's draining to hold it in. Everyone needs some kind of release. I guess I've done that in other ways.

Spring break started yesterday evening for me. I have some goals. Tasks to accomplish over the next week. To finish The Sun Also Rises. Finish writing some songs that I've been working on for too long now and, Lord willing, record at least some part of them.

But I suppose that I became selfish for selfless reasons. I was in a much different place when I wrote the first entry in my journal (dated January 22, 2007), although I cannot recall the situation that caused me to write it. Regardless, it has stuck with me and is as follows:

"I can't keep my plants alive. How can I keep a relationship alive?"

Maybe some people aren't meant to be with another - not for lack of want but because they simply don't have a knack for it. At least I know how to start a fire.

Ironically, that plant is still alive...barely.

The Megaphone Factor.

Originally written 2/4/10 at 12:33pm. (On that day, it wasn't deemed complete but it works alright now. Even though it is a little late.)

I don't usually get too topical on here but I feel that this holds merit.

Last semester a preacher from a group called Pinpoint Evangelism came to my university, Middle Tennessee State, and stood out among the common path and gave his message. His message was one of judgement and God's anger toward us. I missed his initial visit but a lot of media surrounded it as a student assaulted him or something like that. If you care to learn more then google any combination of: 'crazy preacher' 'mtsu' and 'assault.'

But I write this because someone from that group is on campus today. I'm not sure if it's the same guy but it very well could be and probably is. I've heard a lot of his coming by way of Christian organizations on campus getting together to organize a plan to help spread the Truth of God's love.

So I finished my Abnormal Psychology test and walked outside to see a large crowd and decided to head that way. After all, I could use a cup of coffee and saw students laughing and mocking as other students and college pastors walked around saying things like, "Please read the Bible" and handing out leaflets with verses of scripture that speak of God and Jesus' love.

It is sad that many of those students have a perception of Christ that is like what this man says. That He hates His creation and especially gays and liberals. I question what good will come of it and if this group believes that they are doing good by scaring people to the Lord. I wonder if that will happen even once today. And is that even worth it if by doing so you anger a multitude of others and tarnish the name of the one you speak for?

Nothing Seems As Bright.

Today I chose to spend my day by waking up at noon, completely unaware of what was happening in the world at that moment. As if I could foresee that those moments would be better spent in my own head than in whatever true events filled reality. And I believe that that arrogance is quite prevalent in our world today - rightfully so since there's nothing better than seeing what your own brain is capable of. And isn't it nice that we are then granted the privilege of that capability? To then use our brains to paint how we believe those true events occurred?Hmm. It is nice. So then, based on my very own perception of the world and how it operates, I determine precisely how my town looked when the first of billions and billions of snowflakes fell to cover the ground. And how your face would look if you woke to this very scene but for that to happen you'd have to be here with me. Because ultimately, isn't that the intention in every thought?
Anyway, back to the original thought:
Today I chose to spend my day by waking up at noon and discover that it had snowed while I was asleep. Actually, to see it on facebook before seeing it with my own eyes. I have a window by my bed. Shouldn't I start each day by popping up like a gopher from his hole to see outside? Before I look at my stuff and the stuff of my people, shouldn't I look outside to see yours? It is much better. Much more beautiful and real. Sure, ours is real but it's a different way. It's numbers; 1s and 0s. You know all, so how could ours even compare to yours? To think that we could reach a potential higher than you. How arrogant.
So again, because I chose to do that, somehow I agreed to follow whatever path that decision would lay before me. For me it was a conscious one to relax today - afterall, when a university shuts down early due to weather you really are given permission to stop. So I took a breather and sat to listen to Iron & Wine. And as my brain turned it spewed this thought all because I chose to sleep in. To think that we have that ability to chose what we do with our day. If I wish to spend an entire day reading a book or watching an entire television series season or hanging around with people, well then I can.
That path included: being nerdy, sitting on my bed and routinely popping up like a gopher from his hole and listening to music while eating fruit as snow fell down outside. I'm okay with that because I enjoy it, even though sometimes I get down about it.
The song "Naked As We Came" started and I had already listened to "Sodom South Georgia" and how I felt then painted a scene of my pursuit for love. Not that I'm looking from the high mast of a ship for land but that in a way I am. I think in the way that everyone does a little. And I've had land so I know what it's like to be looking and see thru all of the fog and jagged rocks to see pure, safe land to put your feet on. And I don't see much land like that around. I think I'm seeing more jagged rocks thru fog than there actually is. But that's because I've seen that land turn jagged; I've felt that sting. But it still looks good and the sun still shines brightly upon it. Nothing seems as bright. "Passing Afternoon" embodies this feeling. It is exactly how I think of this.
So when I say that this is the love that I seek it isn't that I haven't found it once. I'm in part two right now. It fell apart but it was there. And having had it, it's much more difficult to settle when it isn't there. I want someone who I can be lost with, to be amazed by in every moment. But I've had that. And I still think of it very much, perhaps because that was my last big love and I've somehow built it into something more than what it was but I think because it was very big. A lot still ties to that; songs, film and thoughts. I haven't forgotten yet and I still remember. I still don't understand. But I've learned to bury what I don't understand. I never was any good at digging holes.
So then, based on my very own perception of the world and how it operates determines precisely how my town looked when the first of billions and billions of snowflakes fell to cover the ground. And how your face would look if you woke to this very scene but for that to happen you'd have to be here with me. Because ultimately, isn't that the intention in every thought?

Coming Down To Meet You.

So it all feels the same now. I guess that feeling I had a couple weeks ago was just the alcohol. I'm real washed out right now. I felt good about things. I went to Passion and I remembered a little about what God looked like and I learned a little more. I'm past that moment of gladness and back to selfishness. Time doesn't change a thing, it's all up to me and well maybe I just ain't ready. It's a sad place to be. I see that greener grass but I'm still eating the brown.

I've been lonely a bit. I've had some fun with friends that I've missed but it's not really the same. I miss the people who understand me. There's one that I really miss but we can't really talk anymore. Yeah, I miss her a lot but I don't think that's my fault. I think that's just how it goes sometime and it's a real shame but it's not my fault. And I've been wondering if I'll find that again cos it's been awhile and I'd have to say it's rare. Oh well, maybe it's for the best.

I shaved my head the other day and messed up and so now I got a big piece missing on the side and I've been wearing a hat everyday til that piece grows back. It's pretty funny but I look like schmuck. That's how I feel. Like I got a bad hair cut riding on my head and I do. Eventually the internal mess becomes external. Oh well, it's cold so I got an excuse for the hat. I'm just tired of feeling like a ten year old.

I haven't written for awhile and I got a lot in my head right now. And a lot of it doesn't matter but a lot of it is why I'm so down. I got a lot that ain't happening right now and a lot that is is kinda unfortunate. But that's okay cos it'll go away eventually and the sun does rise. That's what Chuck Noland said anyway. I just ain't felt the sun in sometime. That's not true, I just can't remember the warmth.

Sing A Song of Love & Truth.

Breath deeply, creatures of the land for a new year is upon us and it is the time for living!

I don't know about all of you, but I honestly feel a difference than two days ago. Maybe it was screaming at midnight with friends and midnight and all of the laughter and joy that surrounded that house or maybe it was the alcohol. Well, maybe it was both. But regardless, this morning I awoke with a feeling of renewal; of rebirth.

I feel like I'm on my feet again. But really, I think the true matter of the fact is that I finally see that I've been on my feet for awhile - except for me telling myself that I wasn't. Whatever I was mourning is no more. There's no reason to mourn the past because the past is passed and what can you do to that? Absolutely nothing.

It's time to live, my boy! To walk into the street without the hand of your mother and to no longer wait for cars a mile off. But rather to step out with a skip and run til the air in my lungs is emptied and refuses to refill.

I feel like the Whitman brothers in The Darjeeling Limited when they run to catch their train, throwing the luggage they've dragged all over India all over. Because you can't let things weigh you down and keep you from jumping onto trains, for once they leave, they're gone.

I hope for this year to be one filled with joy and happiness and excitement. I'll strive to enjoy what's around me at all times; laugh when I'm hurt and cry when I'm happy because living this life is more than breathing and eating. It's so much more than that.

We'll soon remember if you do

When all things were tall

and our friends were small

and the world was new

- "Silent Sunlight," Cat Stevens

Slap Happy.

Another trip home comes to an end in less than five hours. So why am I awake at 4:28am? Well...for one of the best parties of the year: The St. Martin Brown's St. Stephen's Day Party. I'll leave it up for all of you to look up the meaning behind St. Stephen's Day, but I will tell you why it is so great. Friendship. A bunch of people - most of whom I only see on this night - gather to play games and talk and catch up and laugh together. It feels like one of the few aspects of my life that remains the same while the rest spins and changes. We repeat stories and laugh about years gone by. These are people that I truly love and appreciate. Whose smiles and jokes stick with me for days. People who I've looked to in time of need and discomfort, friends from high school or youth groups. People who have remained as others passed away. They are friends and family. And maybe this is the end of a long day and night talking, but I love those people and I already look forward to next year's St. Stephen's Day.

I hope all of you have had a holiday filled with laughter and joy. That you've experienced the good in life and remember what it feels like to breath because those are the most precious things out there.

Tomorrow I leave home again, and many of the faces that I care for. I hope all of them know what they mean to me and what they've done for me in past years. And I wish them - as well my readers - a great year filled with all of these and more so that next year we come back with more stories and laughter to share.

...One Day.

I have a journal that i write in. I try to do so regularly but sometimes time passes and pages don't move. I'll open it and gasp at how long it's been and shake my head because I have a lot of catching up to do.

This book isn't anything grand. You'd find a lot of entries that scream what these posts merely echo and ideas, plans, that are only hinted at here.

I write about girls. Girls I'd like to sleep with. Or kiss. Or hold hands with. Or at least look into their eyes, but mostly sleep with (which never comes to fruition due to reasons mentioned in previous posts. Exhibit A & B). There are names that come go. Next month I'll have a set of two or three more names and then an entry saying that those feelings have fled from one of the parties. That entry will end with my declaration of independence only to be followed by a name or description of a girl I saw on campus or at a coffee shop. There are only a few who will be remembered. At least two. And in years to come I'll have to scratch my head to remember even their faces.

I ask G-d what He thinks of my life. I question its meaning and whether it will amount to anything. I express fears of wasted time or missed opportunities and injustices done to me by way of my own faults. I complain a lot.

And thru all of this I try to sound like Jack Keroauc. I wrote someone a letter the other day. I would call her "friend" but I'm not sure if she would appreciate me calling her that. But regardless, I wrote her. And in it I slipped into what I imagine Jack sounded like whenever he wrote. Or at least when he wrote Dean Moriarty's lines from On The Road. Bursts of energy and short sentences filled with eccentric inflections where he answered his own questions and wrote whatever hit his brain; thoughts that contradict each other.

_______________________________________

That really bothers me actually. I always try to write a thought but then see the other side. So I wear myself out thinking of every single alternate point or argument that could be presented, as if I expect to say that I've seen it from every angle. Or perhaps I'm just trying to point out which perspectives I have seen to prove that I did actually think about what I'm trying to say. But few people care to read one line that has 10 to every A. As if, "For this to be true, consider A, B, C..." or "I say this having taken these into account." A letter from me is much like an erratic scientist's notes meant only for himself. But nevertheless, I love to write. Ironically, reading isn't my favorite. But I'm trying. I've been buy books and asking for books and trying to read. I see the importance, much like flossing. When I do it, I feel better, my teeth are cleaner, I've learned something. But taking the time to actually get the thread and wrap around my fingers just seems foreign.

_______________________________________

I'm trying a lot of things. I'm trying to write more. I've been deep in the caves of writer's block but have recently poked my head out. I've yawned and grabbed my coffee and my pen is in hand. I'm begin as soon as I'm done with the crossword puzzle or daily sudoku. I'm trying to be healthier so as to not look at myself with disgust each morning. To put myself out and pull the blanket of security off and take risks. I'm trying to live life and find happiness that I deserve but deprive myself of still.

But I've written about these goals for months and complained for even longer. That's what we do. We say, "Oh, if only I had the time" or "One day..." I'm tired of one day. Because one day turns into yesterday and yesterday turns into last week, and then I'm lying here in bed at my parent's home a few days before Christmas wondering where the last few months have gone. My soul is dry and it needs enrichment and I'm determined to find it...

A Diamond & A Tether.

This is a cover of a song by Death Cab For Cutie. Enjoy.

Love Is A Lesson.

Commitment is a big word. Well, it is. I suppose the bigger problem, however, is not an inability to commit but rather the ability to find someone who is worth committing too. I've been in committed relationships before and I understand how that works. That's not to say that it is always easy. But I get it. I see the imperative value that it has within a relationship.

Compatibility. That's a big word. So big that at times I have to take a breath halfway thru saying it. So much stock is put in relationships and I'll admit that I'm frustrated by my lack of involvement. There's all that crap that everyone would think are the parts that I miss: holding hands, kisses...you know. All of that. And I'd be a liar to say that I don't miss those parts - I crave those parts. But you know what I long for? Being able to trust and explain myself to someone. I miss being open and honest.

There's a wall between me and most everyone I know that prevents me from saying a lot of what I really wish I could say. And it never bothered me before because there was an outlet for those things. I feel sort of like a bottle that's been closed up for too long so that all of this pressure is building on the other side of the cork. So my logical fear is that when someone does decide to open it they'll be standing there drenched with their mouth gaping at me.

_____________________________

Actually, there's a lot of fear in me regarding relationships. I have a fear of the past repeating itself and that pain isn't something I wish to experience again or put another thru. I've wasted time and energy on people - great people - but it never blooms. Age, proximity, Time. All of these have stood in the way. For all I know, if I'd have said hello to the girl in the library who caught my eye then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. It's those risks...

And I do fear commitment. I feel pretty comfortable in this sad hole I've made for myself. I like doing what I want to do and answering to nobody - even if it is damaging at times. I don't want to spend more time in something that doesn't come to pass. To wake up and find that what I've held onto has vanished.

I fear the risk. I went thru a phase giving and getting numbers. I felt on top of some game. But a lack of fruit kills game and soon the players begin to question whether sports are really for them. After all. I am pretty good at solitaire.

______________________________

I don't think love is what I thought it was. I think I had some things wrong and that I still do. And what love is by my standards is something that I don't have in me. It's nothing I can give.

Love isn't something I'll create on a page but sort of a seed we'll nurture and grow together.

- Kevin Wilson.

Take It Back.

I've started this entry about five times. I do that a lot with these entries. I get an idea; something floating around my head for a little while and then I sit down to type and it's not there. Even now I'm thinking of holding down the "delete" key for 30 seconds but I will resist the urge.

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Thanksgiving night, while trying very unsuccessfully to sleep at my aunt's house, I put on the film "Doubt," starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, Meryl Streep, & Amy Adams. It's about a group of nuns who suspect their priest of having an illicit relationship with a student. In one of his sermons he tells a story that I will paraphrase. This old woman confesses to her priest that she has been gossiping. He forgives her but tells her to go home, up to her roof, tear open a pillow with a knife and to then come back to him. She does as he says and goes back. He asks what happened and she says that feathers came out. Then he tells her to pick up all of the feathers but she relies that the wind has taken them and she cannot find them all. He tells her that that is the effect of gossip.

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Well this isn't really about gossip but words in general. I've always believed in saying what I feel. I'd hate to miss out on something by holding my tongue. Part of having successful relationships is communication. But sometimes words don't go over well. I've said things that should have been dropped or avoided or kept to myself. I've said selfish things that did nothing but ruin any chance of a friendship and made me look like an ass - or at least feel like one.

It isn't that I didn't mean what I said but perhaps it just didn't need to be said. But I've had too many mornings where I regret something I've said thru a text message or email and there's no taking it back. And I wonder what they think when they see me. Do they have the same feeling I do? Of course mine is more of an embarrassment and theirs is more of annoyance. I dunno. It's sad to think that someone's opinion of you may be based on a five minute conversation. That isn't enough time to learn about a person - especially if it's comprised mostly of a mistake.

I guess what I mean to say is that I'm trying to keep my mouth shut. To be more deliberate with my words. And I suppose that's all.

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November 29th Post-Edit:

I've talked to a few people about this post and I think an important flip-side observation is that sometimes those risks prove to be worthwhile. After all, if you never said anything then think of what could be missed out on. Opportunity requires risk and vulnerability from time to time. I can think of many instances where I put things on the line and won - maybe for just a minute - but I still won something. And I learned from those experiences. At times I feel cynical due to the losses I've endured but in my honest moments I know that I've learned from them. That I understand life more. Maybe it has caused me to be more cynical but has also made me able to see so clearly when something is good. Stupid, you could call it that.

Looking Across The Fence.

There's so many different websites to join today. I've joined countless of sites that I barely use anymore - iLike and Xanga. And have Last.fm, Myspace, Twitter, Facebook and this now. I was just told about a site called Blip.fm that allows you to DJ over the internet so I'm checking it out. There's so much! I feel networkingly spread thin.

So I'm thinking of leaving this blog and moving to Tumblr. It's not official yet, I'm just trying it out. It better connects all of the various networking mediums that I am a part of. So we'll see how it works.

Follow it at www.alexskidmore.tumblr.com and see the move.

Goin' Back To Rehab.

Today was one of those days that felt productive. Perhaps it had to do with getting up earlier enough to go mail something. It's amazing how making it to the bank or post office before noon gives such an amazing level of accomplishment. I mailed a package. I didn't run a 10k or save someone's life. How ridiculous.

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Or maybe it had to do with the fact that I interviewed Mickey Avalon on my radio show today. Yeah, you heard me correctly. If you don't know who Mickey is, then I'll leave it to you to look him up on the internet. He's got a show this Wednesday in Nashville at 12th & Porter. Needless to say, I am attending and very excited. However, it will be my first hip-hip show so I'm not sure how to act at it. I'm kind of afraid. But somehow, I expect most of his fans to be beautiful women and white kids like me. Maybe I'll find my soulmate. That'd be interesting..."So where'd you meet each other?"

"Well there's this rapper who talks about prostitution, drug use, and all kinds of other immoral things. It was at one of his shows. We were singing along with him and during the line 'Puffin' white lines, sippin' warm Coors Lite,' our eyes meet and the rest is history."

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The interview was a lot of fun. Mickey is a real down to earth guy. He talked a lot more than I did and was really active in it - which always makes an interview easier. He seemed like a great guy and it make me even more excited for the show.

I also ate tons of food and saw Pirate Radio for free. That always makes for a good day.

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School is making more sense. I've thrown the idea of entertainment law around my head but we'll see about that. My major has come together a bit more and it looks I can actually be out of here next May! That's both exciting and scary as after that I have to be a grown up. It probably means moving again and starting over in many senses. In thought, that sounds okay but I know that it's difficult to do. I'm only started to feel comfortable here last Fall. That actually sounds like a long time ago but it was after having been here for a year. But now that I have friends, it feels weird to think that I may not be here in two years; that I may never see some of the people who have been here for this part of my life.

People always say how college is the prime time. It's difficult for me to see that. Maybe because I started late or never took full advantage of the opportunities that are before me. Probably the latter. I feel like I have yet to really find an adventure worth taking. I've had a couple, I suppose. But it doesn't just drop in your lap. I see that now. I think I need to go.

I Left My Burdens In Grayson, Kentucky.

I've been gone for the past weekends. Traveling to Arkansas for a friend's wedding and then home, to West Virginia. Both have proved to be needed breaks from the day to day routine that I've gotten into. Especially being home. Typically being home is great for a few days and then I'm more than ready to head back to Tennessee. But not this time. I guess I had a lot on my mind and a few things I've been struggling with. Thoughts and decisions. And I made a few of those decisions while at home and I must admit that I'm very happy with each one. I feel like I've narrowed down my plans for after I graduate - at least what sounds like a good idea at the moment. Once the decision is set in stone I'm sure it'll be made known. But for now, I'll keep it close.

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Relationships are interesting. I've dealt with quite a few of those in recent days. Old friends and old flames and forgotten names. There comes a point where you have to weigh some and see if it's worth the work. It's funny how ones I'd almost forgotten about have consumed my thoughts lately and how, on the other hand, ones I never thought would fade mean nothing to me. Some paths just aren't as appealing anymore and others have a familiar warmth.

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Sometimes I feel alone here. I mean, I'm not. But I guess I am. There are people I care about and who care about me. But when push comes to shove you realize who comes to mind and who doesn't. I'm not saying that none of these people mean anything to me. Just that I don't feel respected. Or...maybe it's not respect. But I don't feel cherished. I probably don't cross their minds too much when I fade away into myself. I guess that's okay.

Being home reminded me of the people who I do feel that for and from. I got coffee with a group of friends who really do mean the world to me. I drove around with one like a married couple. And I started a fire with another. I missed a few as I was only in town for a couple days and life gets in the way of life sometimes. But I was reminded that no matter how long I'm away and how far I go, there are people there that I truly can't imagine losing. And I learned that I haven't changed quite as much as I thought I had.

I Have Not Forgotten Them.

I have assignments due and responsibilities knocking at my door over and over again. But I just turn up the music and let the beats blend in with the music regardless of how out of sync it all is. That's what I'm doing right now. I just want to write and not deal with these things. My thoughts are on you, actually. This happens frequently. The "you" is usually a different person but lately it's all been this one. It's driving me insane, quite honestly. Playing games and doing things "the right way." It's just not how I'm designed I suppose. I operate differently than those who are squawking in my ears.

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I used to not care much for The Beatles. I mean, yeah, I respected them for their influence - their huge immeasurable influence on music in general. But I never really saw anything spectacular in them. That is until one night while listening to Abbey Road on vinyl - from the original pressing. It was this one bass line on the song Come Together. As soon as it rolled out everything fell into place and I saw why people talk so much about them. I became one of those people.

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I've started writing a friend back and forth. It's very interesting. At times, I feel that I've spread my writing outlets too thin. I have my journal which gets very personal thoughts. Almost like the beginning of theories. And then the somewhat worked out solutions are sent to my friend. And then I have this which is a very general - almost like a summary of the rest. It's the publication of what stuck to the wall.

I've spilled some stuff to him that very few people have heard. Just part of my heart and deep thoughts. It's very freeing as I know that he doesn't judge. I mean, we all judge things. And he and I disagree on many things but we still come to the table openly. It's been very nice.

And typically, when I open up to someone I want answers to internal questions that they don't have. I wrote a few pages on one topic and his response was one sentence. But it was perfect. And that's how our notebook goes, back and forth.

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It's very hard to take advice that goes against your gut. I like to go with my gut more than other people's direction. Sometimes they're right, I know. But I'd hate to think that I missed something because I didn't do what I felt was best. With that comes responsibility for failure as well, and not having someone to blame all of those on is rough - because it falls on my shoulders. But I'd rather have that than a disdain for someone who I allowed to lead me into a hole.

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What drives me more insane is wondering if your thoughts are on me like mine are on you. How fitting that "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" is playing right now.