I've been very selfish lately. I take all of the time I have and throw it out the window. Usually, I'd be the first to defend taking a moment for yourself but it has gotten a little out of hand. I feel bad about that. I believe that it is time for me to do some growing up. I've used the last year and a half to do whatever I wanted. I tried to make it about something bigger but the truth is, I took my freedom - after I accepted it - held it close to my chest, abusing it.
I've been lonely, lonelier than I have ever been. I remember being very upset to leave my girlfriend for Thanksgiving when I was a freshman in high school. I laid awake all night thinking of her and wishing to be with her. I've been lonelier than that though. That memory just always sticks out to me.
I've made an art of numbing myself. I used to write a lot more. Songs, thoughts, blog entries. I've put my brain on autopilot and just gone thru the motions. But really, I've been using my brain a lot. I've read a little more than usual and tried to be more aware of my surroundings. I just don't ever sit down to release some of that knowledge that fills me up. It's draining to hold it in. Everyone needs some kind of release. I guess I've done that in other ways.
Spring break started yesterday evening for me. I have some goals. Tasks to accomplish over the next week. To finish The Sun Also Rises. Finish writing some songs that I've been working on for too long now and, Lord willing, record at least some part of them.
But I suppose that I became selfish for selfless reasons. I was in a much different place when I wrote the first entry in my journal (dated January 22, 2007), although I cannot recall the situation that caused me to write it. Regardless, it has stuck with me and is as follows:
"I can't keep my plants alive. How can I keep a relationship alive?"Maybe some people aren't meant to be with another - not for lack of want but because they simply don't have a knack for it. At least I know how to start a fire.
Ironically, that plant is still alive...barely.
