The Sound Of Settling.

i suppose i haven't really given a good entry since i've moved. nothing besides little updates. my feelings are starting to turn for the better, my apartment is feeling more like home, and i am fitting in a bit more.
classes are enjoyable, for the most part. i definately will love my english class. there is a girl that kind of reminds me of Pam from the office. so, i do have a little crush on her.
then there's brad and krystal. these two starting talking to me on about the 3rd day. i really don't know what to say except that they are crazy. i was unsure of their motives at first, but now see them to be for good. i went out to eat w/ them at a mexican restuarant, which are numerous as the stars down here, and found that we have a lot in common. so that's great and i think that they will be good friends.
needless to say, being closer to sara has really helped me. the loneliness that's set in has been pretty deep at times tho. it's not like i see her every second of every day. when we're not together, things do get to be quite boring and lonely. i have been playing guitar the last few days and have had good worship times. i think i will continue doing that.
i've gotten to be w/ her family more as well, and that, as always, is a treat.
i am blessed to have the people here that i do, and that will really help me w/ this. but i really do miss my handful of friends back in WV and my parents a lot.
living on your own is a trip. buying groceries and doing laundry...tough work. fixing food, all of that.
i still don't have a job; hopefully that will change this week. there's a movie theater that opened not too long ago so i think i'll try there. it's about 10 minutes from me, if that.
i've taken pictures some. here's one of the spider, jack, that lives outside my door. we don't talk much, he seems very moody.


other things that happened:
i think i almost died for stealing internet. a truck followed me til the end of the road as i left from sitting in my car outside his house.
i dropped my laptop and broke the top of it. it now sits crooked, but i hope i can fix it the mac store in durham.
uh...i...think that's it really.
so i'm gonna go. it's late and i still have to drive home from sara's, where i am now. i'm holding off on homework, i can tell this will be tough and full of procrastination.
i feel more insightful entries coming...i can sense my creative side flourishing.

My Apartment.

I've been living on my own since....sunday night. a very different life.
well, maybe not that much. i still wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, drive the same car...only now i do different things each day.
my apartment is definately coming together. it was a bit dirty, but i've fixed that.
my classes are going pretty well. i love my english class. the professor is awesome.
i'll put up some pictures of my apartment once i get it looking better.
gooooodbye.

Carolina Waits For Me.

in the morning i set out on a great adventure.
it will be sad for some and happy for others.
i'm still a bit mixed.
my car is loaded waiting for me to take the wheel.
tonight i sleep to gain the courage and strength.
i've been kinda numb, i feel, to this whole thing. trying to stay unemotional. tomorrow it'll all hit.
welp, here we go.

It Still Wouldn't Sink.

i'm wasting my time, when i should be packing. instead i'm doing everything to keep from doing that. something about packing is just so...unattractive.
last night was another late one w/ recording. we finished up a few more songs. i'm very pleased w/ them.
we did another one of mine. i think i may have done what i've always wanted to, which was to write a song that made your insides float. between my monotonous guitar riff and joe's infectious piano i think we've created a masterpiece. the drums aren't in it yet but i definately see how they'll help.
it's very exciting. more to come.
tonight is the luau for my youth, and also my final appearance at a Horizons event. it may be tough.
alright...i have to pack.

Up All Night.

oh my goodness. so it's now about 4:30am; adam, joe, and myself just finished up recording some songs.
be okay, tazisto, disney day, & on your head are all complete. the last one is a new one that i wrote not too long ago. it was very nice.
tomorrow evening, hopefully, we'll have another late night to finish everything up. we just need: what i want & everybody wants to rule the world. we may do a few others, we'll see.
so now i'm off to bed because i am one tuckered out boy.

Stop > Rewind > Play.

---Written August 11th---

It seems like I have had the time to really sit and think for a long time. I have so many feelings hitting me hard at once and it’s quite unbearable. Feelings that I thought I’d be over are here again. Ones I hadn’t felt before are here. New worries and new “what if’s”.

Two of my friends are getting married today. I’m the best man but I don’t feel that I should be. I’ve been so busy that other people have done everything. I’ve been really busy. I wish I could have done a better job of celebrating it. and writing speeches doesn’t come very easily to me.

I think a lot of the feelings lately have caused me to look at friendships more cynically. I see people I used to love, people who I felt loved me and I just feel nothing. I think I actually cringe a little when I see them. We’ve grown in separate directions but it doesn’t feel so sweet when our paths cross. Then there are people that I’ve known forever and it seems now, right as I’m leaving, I’m wondering why I haven’t spent more time w/ them.

No body ever knows how it ends for them; it would be so much easier. I wish I knew who I would marry, where I would live, what I’ll do for a living. I wonder if I’ll be happy and if I’ll love what I do. I hope I do. I hope I find my hole.

I just got back from kids camp this morning. That was a strange week.
Concerns about my future bubbled up. When kids ask questions it really makes you think. And I wish I could have explained it better or felt like what I said got thru. There was so much to tell some of them.
i always feel like they don’t really understand what they’re doing when they “accept Jesus” . we just pray w/ them w/o telling them what they’re doing it. it feels manipulative to me. I’d rather them know the real truth and reject it than to accept a misinterpretation.

I don’t think I know myself. I think I’m still trying to be what I think everyone wants me to be. I’m still trying to make people laugh. It doesn’t always work and I usually feel like a sore thumb.
if I were me, I’d be mean; or at least right now. I hate consequences. Thinking of other people can be a real nuisance some times.

My life changes in nine days forever. Forever is a long time. Especially when you throw out the key.

------

the wedding was awesome. i had fun. watching jon and jess say their vows really was good. i could tell how much they loved each other that day very well.
my speech went well i thought, it was short and i got choked up a bit. dancing w/ sara was a lot of fun too. we're both so white that it doesn't matter.

things seem to have sorted out some in my head. i feel very good about everything. i'll still miss a lot of stuff. there are many things that will be hard to do w/o. and everybody has things they wonder what could have happened. but they didn't so, i'm moving on. i can pick up where i am now.

this week is full of packing, cleaning, and goodbyes.

pictures coming soon - i swear.
Ladderboy.

Take My World Apart.

i have taken care of everything i needed to for this trip.
i have an apartment.


it feels good to be finished. i'm actually excited about all of this too. i was worried, really worried. but i feel really good. i'm registered for classes, i have my I.D., my parking pass, i've paid. i even passed my math placement test so i don't have to take any "catch up" courses.
i'm taking Biology, a writing class, Psychology, and college algebra.
i feel this weight of...stress and anxiety dropping off of me.

tomorrow i will return home to finish my normal life. i will hate leaving a lot of things behind. i will miss my church and what i do there. i even miss target a little. but i know w/o a doubt i will miss my friends and even more my family. i think even being gone for this week i've realized how hard it will be for me to be that far away. i know i'll make it and i'm not worried about my relationship w/ them.
i've missed living at justin and jon's house to use their internet and watch scrubs. i've missed joking around w/ my mom and talking w/ my dad.
i've missed playing w/ joe and the band at youth.
but i'm ready for this change. i'm excited, i'm worried...i'm....everything i should be.

Lullaby.

today i may have found the place. i still need to see inside of it. but the price is great and the location is pretty good. i couldn't get ahold of the people earlier when i tried to get back in touch w/ them. hopefully later on this day, after i sleep, i will be able to get in and see it. i'm excited.
i've had a good day. kathy and i drove around for a few hours looking; mostly crossing things off of our list. it was fun.
sara and i went out this evening and had lots of fun. we walked around on...frankln street, i think. i'm still very unfamiliar w/ this area. i get carboro and every other thing mixed up. we walked around the botanical gardens as well, but they closed soon after we go there.
the worst thing was that on our way home we say the car in front of us hit an animal. both of us cringed as it happened. we decided to go back and see if we could help at all. it was a little black cat. it looks so disoriented. sara ran around trying to find it's owner while i kept it safe from other cars. watching it was so hard. i couldn't do anything. i was afraid to touch in other than to pet it's head because it's ribs looked broken. i've never seen an animal die; i did tonight. it was very hard. sara came back and an older man whom's house she had gone to came soon after. he told us who it probably belonged to and we watched it as it took it's last breath. i put it off of the side of the road. it was a quiet ride home and we weren't hungry anymore.
we did have a better evening back at the house. sara did my laundry while i watched her and tried to help. we sat around talking about all kind of stuff w/ her parents and jesse and jennifer. it felt very homey tonight.
i need to go to bed. goodnight.

Crashed On The Floor.

i thought i had found the perfect apartment and then someone else took it. i have two more options but i'm having trouble picking myself back up. i've seen the inside of one of them and it's nice. the outside of it isn't bad either; it's the location that's not so pretty.
then i have another option that looks nice on the outside but i can't see inside it because someone still lives there. i'm torn.
besides that, this has been a good trip thus far.
i got college things taken care of some and have had a good deal of fun w/ sara and her friends and sara's family and lily's parents.
the other night we sat around at lily's. i was very tired and someone discouraged w/ all of this. but i sat and watched dave, lily's dad, put on guitar strings. he was very focused but always had time to pause and say something either hilarious or very interesting.
and then i continued to sit there in my spaced out state and listen to him play his wonderfully tuned guitar. and then lily accompanied him on violin and it was fabulous.
i've become very excited about being here. last night leah and i talked about all the food i have to have at my apartment. and jesse says he'll always come over and play my video games. haha.
it'll be really cool.
when sara gets home in about 20 minutes, we are going to meet up w/ Sal and Debbie.





i'm feeling better already. i think i know what to do. if only i could really see it.


Post Script

so...the 2nd place that i drove to, looked inside, and then drove to the agency in order to pay the security deposit and take it - yes, it was taken earlier in the morning. so, again, i am back to square one. my stay here is being extended. therefore i will not be home friday night for the youth luau. i am quite sad of that, but this is more important and necessary.
tomorrow kathy and i are setting out on a giant search. hopefuly something will turn up that i like as much as the other two that i couldn't get. i don't think i can go much lower (in confidence) and higher (in price).

Back to a 100% World.

yesterday, justin and i went out to take pictures in a light rain. i always like doing that w/ him. there's this feeling of trying to out do each other in a playful way. it's a blast to see what we come out w/, but even if it's nothing it was at least fun. i got a few good ones.

i saw Lady In The Water; i loved it. it was different from all of his movies. and there was no twist at the end to change the entire movie. i think i identified w/ the message of trying to find yourself. i feel stuck in a confusing time. wondering what to do. i felt like i was on the same page as the characters.
i've had this feeling of my guts churning for days. i'm actually growing up but i don't think i entirely want to. i think on the inside i'm still just a kid; not having anything to really care about. i like having a safe home that i'm comfortable in w/ parents i get along w/. it's a rare thing i suppose.
i'm completely scared of being on my own; of being alone.

so i don't have a job anymore. my last day of target was friday. it was a good day; like the job. i will miss that 10%.

i go the long winters new cd. so far i am a bit let down. but we'll see....

I'm Going Down To Sleep On The Bottom Of The Ocean.

today is a day of overwhelming feelings.
i've written some more music. i like it better than the old. i just need a few chords i don't know and words. i have one line but nothing to follow.
why is everything so disappointing right now? i don't think anybody has it good.
i don't think we're going to record, or ever practice again. i'm frustrated.
stop hiding.
i'm ready to say goodbye to a few things and hello to a few.
i wish i could record what i see. i think i'd make some very good music videos. and then i could explain what i think about more things.
i can't believe how heartless some people can be.

it'd be nice to escape right now and sit in a field and breathe and let things roll off. i know i'm not the only one.

Wake Up, Life’s Too Short For You To Stay In Bed.

I’m laying in my bed now…I randomly woke up at about 5:45 and starting in a hot panic to find my glasses. They weren’t in their usual spot so I tried to let it go but it ate at my nerves.
I was hot and sweaty and my stomach hurt. I got up, used the bathroom and went to get a drink. I also looked downstairs for my glasses.
I could tell thru the dense fog outside that a sun was trying to shine thru it. I started singing Keith Green’s “My Eyes Are Dry” and danced around the idea of taking my guitar outside and play some worship songs as the sun rose. I didn’t think I’d be able to see the sun. maybe there’s a metaphor there. I’ll look into it.

So I turned up the air and came up stairs, turned on my lights and found my glasses neatly folded upon my TV stand. One of my parents must have put it there, for I would not have. I smiled, put them on to make sure they still fit and then placed them back down on the stand.
I hopped into bed where I just lay, feeling the change in temperature and loving it; relishing it even.
I realized I was awake, and wouldn’t get back to sleep this morning. More ideas danced in me and I’m glad I settled on this one. A song got in my head, this time by Lost Dogs. They are some old Christian band my dad loves. I’ve always enjoyed the chain of bands they affected (The Choir, Adam Again, The Swirling Eddies). It’s a mix of a bunch of old guys. One of them died a few years ago. I also heard he played w/ Starflyer 59. His Name was Gene Eugene.
Anyway, so I ran down to get that CD so I could listen to it. I also grabbed their greatest hits. I’m now listening to it as a I import it.
I always thought they were a cheesy-to-be-cheesy band, but have realized thru this that they are actually a really good band. I’ve had chills put up my spine as I hear songs that I haven’t heard for years. I haven’t ridden w/ my dad for years. I always loved that actually. Some of his music I despised. A lot of it I’ve come to love. Bill Mallonee was the first of it. then The Choir a bit. Now Lost Dogs.
They have a song called “Breathe Deep (The Breath of God)” and it’s a call for everybody who’s anybody to come and breathe the breath of God (click above for the whole list). It really hit me. Ya know? That we all have this desire in us to find fulfillment. I wish that I knew the Bible more in times like these; there’s a scripture about us knowing that something is there. It’s the touch of God we’re born w/.
Keith Green and his wife searched thru everything: drugs, eastern “religion”, the occult, hippies. Why is it that none of that really satisfies the soul? Only Jesus can really make it whole. I’ve talked w/ Sara for months on and off about the church. My workshop at camp was gonna be about that roughly and how Christians need to come back into the world of media and be artistic and show what God has given us.
I just about used the word “invade” and remembered reading about how Christians always use words dealing w/ battle and taking over the world. I don’t like that. But you will notice it. it is a spiritual war. But I think it makes us come across like fanatics to those we try to reach. Maybe that’s a thought of the moment…
Anyway, and she’s recently told me how she’s spoken at church and at a women’s ministry her mom in a part of.
Friends have talked about it w/ her. There’s just this feeling that the church is letting us down. That it’s letting people down. I think even God to an extent.
I’m tired of just talking about it. People have said things and I’ve felt it a little. I think this move to North Carolina is more than just a move and just going to school and (even tho it’s huge to me) more than being close to Sara. I’ve had these daydreams of leading worship and things coming alive. But are they anything more than daydreams?


Well I think I’m done w/ the writing. It’s almost 7, time to get ready. Today I’m playing w/ the youth band for both services at church. I hope it goes well.
There are many things I’ll miss when I leave. But not as many as you’d think. And I think the majority of it is because of routine and safety of knowing what’s to come.
I think today will be a good day. And why shouldn’t it be? If I want it to be, then by golly, it will be. Won’t you do the same?


Up In The Morning, A New World Is Forming Behind These Tired Eyes
I’m Here And I’m Breathing, Feel My Heart Beating, Lucky To Be Alive

Using Someone Else's Poetry To Express How You Feel.

Written between July 6th and July 9th.

I’m sitting here restless again, knowing that there is so much to do.
I’m figuring things out w/ CCCC, feeling better and better about that decision every second.

I’ve picked up my guitar the last few days; it’s been awhile what w/ being out of the country and at camp. That too feels better.

Big things at work – the Target photo lab is going thru a huge change of software. It’s gonna be crazy. I’ve already had to sit thru two conference calls about it. I do love my job. I’m lucky to have one that I enjoy for the most part. I’m hoping I can transfer to the Target in Apex and stay in the photo lab. We shall see.

i'm feeling a little john cusack, so it's top 5 time.

Top 5 Albums - Ever.

5. Gimme Fiction – Spoon













4. X & Y - Coldplay













3. Pixel Revolt – John Vanderslice













2. Let Go – Nada Surf













1. Transatlanticism – Death Cab For Cutie














i think what constitutes a good CD for me is one that has a current. each song leads into the next and it gets better and better. it's not front loaded, it's an equal load. emotions change for each song; ups and downs.
share your top 5.

albums that would fill in 6-10, (in no order):
Rocky Votolato - Makers
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
The Long Winters - When I Pretend To Fall
Beulah - The Coast Is Never Clear
The Thrills - Let's Bottle Bohemia

Start Right Here.

Wow, I wish i was sitting here.



i wish i could sit still right now and relax. i actually could. but i feel rushed. right now, this minute, i am not rushed. but i know that each moment leads to another moment which leads to a minute, leading to an hour, leading to a day, leading to a week, leading to a month and so on. i know that by wasting this moment now, i am getting behind in my plans that will take place in August.
i found out that UNCG has no more dorms available. i'm looking into a community college now. i could save lots of money and get my feet wet while still being in north carolina. i'd have to get an apartment but that'd be fine w/ me.
i'm still feeling stressed about it. more so now that i'm back to not knowing exactly what i'm doing and that it's so soon. i'm realizing that i'm done at Target in two weeks and then i have to be ready to go. i'm more excited about going now tho. i can't wait actually.

i'm finally back from all of my ventures. Belize and camp are both in the past. both were amazing and both were unforgettable.
i have some pictures from belize up. more will be going up.
the ladderboy videos from camp will be available on the internet soon as well.


i'm currently reading a book about Keith Green. it's so depressing. but i'm hooked.

i wish i had more to say. it seems like i do when i don't have a way to write it down.
i promise that i will return w/ more thoughtful things soon.

I Got Your Number.

actually, i don't.
Diana Rice's phone number is not 276-982-0194. if that's even her name.
just so everybody knows.

my naive trust in people has again let me down. you'd think by now i would just kill them.
another life lesson learned and more faith lost in the number one parasite.

okay, i could be positive and think that maybe something happened to her phone line and she actually will call me. but let's not get our hopes up.
it's more likely that her car will explode - and that would make me smile more.

things that should be done when in an accident:
*make sure everybody is alright.
*trade insurance information - VIN number, license plate number, insurance agent's name and phone number.
*take pictures, if you have a camera.
*also, not a bad idea to contact law inforcement to get the facts straight.

and this has also convinced me to get a cell phone.

Sometimes I Think This Cycle Never Ends.

wow, so much has happened since i've been back. it's all been frustration too.
tuesday i woke up. sara and i planned on going to the mall to get my paycheck and hang out a bit.
well that was foiled once by the need for mowing. i was ready leave when that came up. so after doing that, working up a sweat, and then cleaning up again, we got in the car and drove about 3 feet. it sounded funny, so i parked and looked at my tire.
it was flat.
so i changed that - had a nail in it. fantastic.
then we took off for the mall. that was enjoyable. i bought some CDs and clothes. sara and i enjoyed ourselves.
so today i took sara home. that in and of itself makes a horrible day.
it was kind of rushed because i had to get back to go see David Crowder. so i'm on my way home, listening closely to the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs' CD, when my car jumps and i am startled.
someone rear ended me. and to make it worse - in a tunnel. now the good thing is that it didn't turn into a scene from Daylight. (Oh Sly)
being really shaken up and not sure what to do, i pull into the lane of the tunnel that is closed for some reason. the lady pulled in too, we got out and decided to join up outside of the tunnel.
she seemed really nice; shaken up as well. so we pull over outside and get out.
here is where my lack of knowledge proved to be high.
i really didn't know what i was supposed to do. it was obviously her fault. do i call the police? take pictures? what?
well, i think i should have done more than get her name and phone number - but that's what we did. we agreed on calling our insurance and then each other.
she was still nice, apologizing left and right, and i kept cool, making sure she was okay.
i tried to be sympathetic about her car being worse than mine but in actuality i was glad.

sooo....there's my car trouble in a nut shell. oh, and a bird flew into my windshield when i was still w/ sara. tho that was a bit humorous.

i hope everything goes well w/ her. that she won't turn out to be a horrible person and not come thru. and i hope her phone number is real...

on a better note, David Crowder was amazing. it was good to worship like that. i am now on a mission to learn his songs.
he's definately found something by making worship as fun as it can be while being entertaining and still be worshipping whole heartedly.
and he's funny too.

i feel like a few things have been against me lately. i may have seen somethings that i don't like about myself on the mission trip. and i have definately come away from it not knowing what i want to do. wondering where i really stand w/ God.
it's frustrating, being confused. there's nothing poetic about it, only desperate.
i don't really know what i want. i feel like maybe my dreams are getting in my way. but who really knows my way?

now it is late and i am ready for bed. the final step of falling into the american way again is on it's way - Target. the shivers run up and down me as i type.

Leaving On A Jet Plane.

well, i am now sitting in the Airport of Belize. our flight was delayed so i am on the internet checking mail and such.
the trip was very good; i have done a few journal type things that will be put up here when i'm done w/ them fully.
i'm ready to come home. i'll be glad to be out of the heat.
i am glad that i came. i've seen things that i'd have never seen otherwise.
i think our plane is here so i must go!
i have tons of pictures that will be up later too. goodbye!

Flight Of The Neon Green.

right now i'm sitting in an airport in Houston. that's right, Texas. my butt is sore from the plane ride. i wonder if the stranger next to me noticed my head dropping down and almost snapping off.
the first ride, my first plane ride ever, was very beautiful. we rose as the sun did. it was relaxing.
well, i don't have too many pictures yet. most that i took were blurry or just not good. i am a failure by the way.
but!!! i promise good ones will come.
sara O'brien has run off so i must now venture about to find her.
and i smell chinese food.....

Policeman In Passats.

that little guy is about what i feel like today. jumping off into something. i'll probably be okay, but who really knows? i don't.

today i remember talking to joe about how i love the smell of fresh rain on hot pavement and when it rains lightly on a beautiful day. it was like that earlier. and the rain was cold. it was so cold. today was a good day.
joe and i ran to target, wal-mart, and sam's. i then came home and watched an A&E Biography on The Brady Bunch.
in the meantime i took a lot of pictures. over a hundred. a few of these are up now on flickr. there are more of the strawberries that i think i'll put up.
today was a good day.
i've been listening to Of Montreal. it's this band from the Elephant 6 label (along w/ beulah) that mike gum has introduced me too. they are amazing.
this will be my farewell post while in belize w/ my sara and a few others. pray that it will go well and we will be used for God's will and for safety.
i will return w/ stories and pictures for all of you.

How Long Before I Know What It Feels Like?

i have no idea. i hate the idea of having to tell anyone where i see myself. mostly because i don't realistically see myself anywhere; it's all in my dreams.
i was feeling good about college, i'm unsure about how i feel now.
Coldplay has known my innermost self the last few days. and every other line they've sang has been an even better title for this entry. i hope i haven't settled.

i wrote a song, it's about revenge.

i hope the sky falls on your head
as you walk away
each drop of rain's like the sting
of every bruise you've made

when i needed you most
you said you couldn't stay
you left me stunned
waiting for your embrace

if it all crashed down on you
i wouldn't give my time to save
one whose drowning in an ocean
of all their mistakes

i'm thinking of adding a bridge at the end. i'm unsure. i've felt like a better person after writing music. it is what makes me happy. i would never pick up a camera again for music. maybe someday...