And The Kingdom Is For You.

Well, Valentine's Day was Saturday. So I suppose that it makes sense that Post Secret's cards would mostly have to do with love - for good and bad. There were a lot of good ones so I've narrowed it down as best as I could.

_____________________

A few mornings ago, I was heading out to class and hopped on
my bike and hit the road. It was a morning that, for various reasons, required me to drag myself out of bed and start the day. But as soon as I did; as soon as I felt the wind on my face, I felt entirely better. I remembered a scene in Garden State where Zach Braff's character, Andrew Largeman, goes to see a doctor. And at one point, the doctor comes and sits beside Andrew and asks if he's alright, slaps him on the leg and says, "Of course you are. You're alive!"

And I've realized that all in all, my life is pretty good. It's been a little rocky lately, but except for that, I don't have much to complain about. There are the general stresses of this age: wondering if what you're doing is what you should be doing. Wondering where you're gonna get money for next month. Wondering if the test you didn't study for will really be that difficult.

But there's more to life than money and tests. And I've found that it doesn't matter what you're doing - as long as you enjoy it. Over the last few months I've looked at everyday as a failure. A day that I failed to do something fulfilling. To do something...that mattered.

And I guess it was just the other day that I realized that it didn't matter to me what I do. It was a day that consisted of laundry, cleaning, listening to music, writing, and probably spending some time with friends. It was an easy day but it was a good day. I didn't feel lonely or wasteful. I felt as if I had simply enjoyed a day. I didn't look at it as a missed opportunity. But as a day to be alive. A day to breath and feel the wind. I need more of those days.

____________________

I suppose life really consists of experiences that are tests. It's like one of those personality tests where you answer a question based on how you would handle a specific situation. And how we handle things can really teach us about ourselves. I'm sure there's more there, but that is all I've got. So here are the rest of my favorite posted secrets.

_________________

A couple of additions to the side panel: A website called "F My Life." I like to think of it as what will replace those daily inspirational calendars.
I have also added a section called "What's In My Ears" where links are provided to albums that I'm listening to right now. And check out the iLike box to play songs that I've picked out just for you, my loyal readers.
Enjoy!

See You Sometime, See You Sometime.

So I've been recording some songs over the last week or so. My roommate has to do a project and he's recording four of my songs. We plan on recording about three or four more on our own. I'm not sure what I'll do with them but it will be awesome regardless. Being in the studio recording has been really cool and it's shown me more that I want a life in music. Being the artist is easier and more fun. Playing my songs - however they are received - makes me feel happy. It's honestly about the only thing that lifts me at this point. It's amazing how music can do that. Playing songs that describe heartache and break shouldn't make me happy, but it does. I think it has something to do with being able to speak what my heart and mind are feeling comes easier that way. It's soothing. Maybe I just like the sound of my own voice. But if being miserable is the only way that I can write good songs then I'll put down my guitar.
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I've been in a kick of music that is dismal. Haha, I realize that all I've listened to for awhile are songs that are about failed relationships as the concept. Damien Jurado, Pedro The Lion, Noah and The Whale, and Death Cab have been my go to's. Just knowing this feeling isn't exclusive to myself is comforting. The music may be beautiful but the pain that causes it is not.
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I remember seeing an episode of This American Life that told the story about a boy who was in high school and had vowed to never fall in love because of what it does to people. And he's right. Love turns people into fools; much like a drowning man who fends off his rescuers. And it makes me wonder if it is really worth it. Does love offer something that is unattainable in any other way? I suppose it's much like a drug. If you never experience it then it's easy to never start. But once you get a taste on your tongue, you find yourself searching for more and more. And when it burns you - you may give it up - but most likely, you'll find a bigger fix to cool it down.
I'll personalize it and ask, "Why do I desire to pour myself into another person knowing that it will end in pain?" I could guess that it's because I want a connection. Because I want to know someone intimately myself and learn from that connection. I want to give whatever it is that I have to offer. And on the flip side, I want someone to care about me and pour into me. It's a give and take. Yet, even after tasting the bitter side of love I search for it now. Only a fool...
________________________

This is a song I wrote a couple months back that seems to fit. (And one that's being recorded.)

Reconnect The Wires.

If love is just a game
That all the fools play
Why is it that I find myself
So lost in your ways

And when I see your face
Everything else fades
And I remember that you were mine
Once upon a time

When you can't reconnect
The wires of your heart
I will always be right here
To give you my heart

Tonight this New Year's Eve
While I'm home with the kids
It's him but it should be me
Who is kissing your lips

When you can't reconnect
The wires of your heart
I will always be right here
To give you my heart

Don't Think Twice.

I was just headed out the door and about to stop Bob Dylan from filling my room when I was drawn to sit and listen to the words he was saying. I find it interesting and almost noble that he can take that feeling and sing about it in a way that feels like he's smiling as he walks down the road. I get the feeling that he kept it in the past, where it belongs.
_____________________

I'm walkin' down that long, lonesome road, babe
Where I'm bound, I can't tell
But "Goodbye"'s too good a word, gal
So I'll just say "Fare thee well"
I ain't sayin' you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don't mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

And Now For Something Completely Different.

It's 3:05 am CST and I've spent the last few hours doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and cleaning the kitchen. I felt productive and cleaning is usually the first thing that happens when I feel that way. Sadly, it occurs too late so I just go to bed. Hopefully it will last thru tomorrow and the next day so that I do more productive things. I do have a list and it is ever growing.

I've decided to start posting my favorite images from Postsecret's weekly updates. It'll usually just be two or three that somehow stick out to me. It doesn't necessarily mean that I identify with it; there's just something about them.

So this first one will include a few from the past that I've held onto for various reasons.

Enjoy and be sure to check them all out at Postsecret.com every Sunday.

I'll Feel Better When The Winter's Gone.

I started this on the 8th of January and, seeing as it still applies, I'm continuing.

I came with the storm in the quiet of the night to a place of refuge and rest. Now, I leave the same - alone, across a blank canvas, making tracks before any other. It is a chance to grow. But this growth is not mandatory like physical growth, but a kind that I must truly chose to allow. It will be difficult and painful and its fruitfulness may be slow and unnoticeable at times. For it to happen I must give more of myself; I must let go of that which I cling to so tightly. If I do not seek this growth, it will not occur. 

So I am faced with a question: Do I really want it? And more so: Do I even care?

_______________________________

I could continue to think that with change in scenery, weather, and foliage I will feel better, but the truth is that I won't until I accept it and push thru the storm. It doesn't matter that spring is coming. Until I can find beauty and peace in the death that surrounds me, then death is all that I will see. Until I bury the past and stop dragging it behind me, I will not take ground because the burden consumes my mind and its weight is heavy.

This is not opportunity - it is life. And it's time to survive.

You Were Brave.

Sunlight thru the window on your cheek
How you spoke to me
Everyday I ask Him why you had leave
And why it wasn't me
But there are things that you and I can't understand
Do you understand?

Dreaming you are sleeping next to me
I awake to these cold cold sheets
I wonder if I'll ever love again
If this heart will mend
But there are things that you and I can't understand
I don't understand


I remember when you held my hand
You said we would meet again
You were brave when I could not be
It was you but it should've been me
It was you but I wish it were me too

- alex skidmore.

Mithra-Grandchamp.

I hate those times which one can look back upon and see that they missed out on something. I feel that I have many of those. Some are specific times when I wish I had said or done something that i didn't. Others are times in which I cannot see a specific outcome had I done something, but I simply acknowledge that there could have been something great. It is from these times that we must learn to seize and grab hold of the good things in front of us.
I've been trying to read more books and all that I seem able to get into are memoirs. There's something about fiction that eludes me. It's been rare that a novel has grabbed me, save for the books by Tolkien and C.S. Lewis. And I don't think it's due to a lack of imagination but the desire to find true human emotion and strife. There is something about reading another human's thoughts and questions and being able to agree or answer or even cry out, "I wonder that too!" And somehow I find those things in Tolkien and Lewis' writings. And that's not to say that fiction writing cannot do that - it most certainly does. But knowing that it's real and true adds something to it. It reminds that everyone's life has mundane moments and adventurous times and catastrophes. It reminds me that I am not alone.

So I started over Christmas break reading a book titled The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Some of you may have seen the movie by the same name from a couple years ago. It's the thoughts of a man who is the victim of Locked-In Syndrome. He's is paralyzed after a stroke and can only blink one of his eyes while his mind functions properly. The book is a collection of his thoughts while in his 'diving bell' which were translated by blinks from his eyelids using a code developed by his speech therapist.
The film is wonderful and thought provoking - much like the book - in that it wakes you up to the idea that tomorrow everything could be over for you.

In one chapter that I read today, he talks about a time that he went to the races and passed up betting on the horse who won even after being tipped off that it was a sure win. Here is the last paragraph of that chapter as I feel my paraphrasing could not and would not do it justice.

Frankly, I had forgotten Mithra-Grandchamp. The memory of that event has only just come back to me, now doubly painful: regret for a vanished past and, above all, remorse for lost opportunities. Mithra-Grandchamp is the women we were unable to love, the chances we failed to seize, the moments of happiness we allowed to drift away. Today it seems to me that my whole life was nothing but a string of those small near misses: a race whose result we know beforehand but in which we fail to bet on the winner.

We only have one shot at life and it's a shame and a waste to watch it float past. All we can hope is to wake up before too much is gone because it doesn't float at all - it flies.

Knocking Teeth To Improve How You Look.

I knew I wouldn't be able to stay away. The comfort I find in writing is necessary. I've felt myself to be more tense than usual - and for how I've been lately that is pretty tense.

I came home with all of these ambitions and as of now I've completely absolutely none of them. But it's something I'm alright with. I brought home books to read and songs to record and it's all been for not so far. I have picked up a book but I think it's topic is too positive for me to read right now and perhaps I'm not ready for something positive. I have written a couple songs since I've been home and even worked out parts with friends to other songs.

So far I have: watched Seasons 1 & 2 of 30Rock, Season 4 of The Office and Season 7 of Scrubs. I watched the entire series of Band of Brothers, made it to a rank of 18 on Call of Duty: World at War, and rockin' out multiple 5 star scores on Guitar Hero with my rockstar sister.

But I still have a week for productivity, and since my Xbox360 controller decided to reward my superb-expert-like playing by electrocuting me before flickering off to its death, I now have fewer distractions.

So I sit by my space heater and look out the window at the patches of snow still on the ground as Damien Jurado's voice fills my ears. And I tell myself that this new year will be different even though I know it won't be. And even though I have fewer teeth, it makes me smile nonetheless.

All Is Fleeting, But All Is Good.

This post is a long time coming. It's been on the tip of mind and fingers for awhile, but even now it is not fully conceived. I have theories as to why I feel this way. Some are more true than others. But I don't want to continue this. Largely due to a lack of inspiration and even more so to the fact that I'm tired of this voice.
I've been doubting and questioning my thoughts of life and love for sometime. I no longer wish to focus on what I've focused on thru these writings. I'm tired of beating my chest to fill the void that my heart has left.
I'm not up to the vulnerability required to do so. So this will be the final post until I discover a new voice or find the confidence in myself and ability to trust enough to share my heart.
_______________________

I have come to accept that plans really are just hopes and wishes. And even when the skies are clear and the water is smooth, we can capsize and drown. and I'm okay with the fact that nothing is certain. To accept my lack of control is more comforting than anything.

Someone told me that people are unreliable and undependable. She was right. I've been fighting between these two extremes of swearing off love and then realizing how beautiful it is - even when it's broken. We were made to love. But how can we love if we can't be loved? If we can't open our hearts and let someone see and hold it - knowing full well that they could destroy us - what is the point? And I believe that that is how you learn to love. Once you let someone in and experience the abandonment you have to decide if it's worth it to do all over again. I believe it is.

Oh when the wild was all covered by snow,
I forgot the colours that the grass tend to grow.
Oh the trees were all leafless,
And lifeless and black,
And I wondered if the leaves could grow back.

For your heart is like a flower as it grows,
And its the rain, not just the sun that helps it bloom.
And you don't know how it feels to be alive,
Until you know how it feels to die.

- Noah & The Whale.

What Are You Looking For?

This post is being done as a request. And comments are necessary for it to serve it's purpose.

There seems to be a strong pattern forming wherein college students and young adults are leaving the church. Maybe it's just that they finally have the freedom to do what they want and that includes skipping out on church.

But I think it's deeper than that - that they aren't finding what they hope to there. I think so because I have felt that myself.

I've also seen young adult/college ministry after another fall to the wayside because no one showed up. 

So what is it that we want? What do we truly desire for and from the church? What is missing, what is wrong? What are we looking for? What are YOU looking for?

I invite comments by the plenty here as it is not just for my amusement but will be looked at and considered.

________________

Here are some guidelines for commenting to follow:

* Do NOT name churches, ministries, or people. We are not looking to cut anything down.

* Do NOT be negative. Sure, you can show your frustrations but don't be a jerk.

* This isn't to start arguments. The goal is to learn what is needed to reengage this group.

If you wish to remain anonymous, you can do so by posting on the original post. Just choose "name/url" and choose an alias to maintain for this post - just in case you decide to make multiple posts.

Also, comments from facebook will be re-posted to the original post and vice versa to keep it all together.

Wipe Off The Blood and Pick Out The Rocks.

Last night I was standing, listening to Calexico and I drifted into space. I was there but not quite paying attention. I thought of scars and how many I have at my age.

Scars are really an interesting reminder of a fascinating ability that our bodies have. But they also remind us of the wounds and pain we've felt in our past.

I remember most of the causes of my scars. The scars on my lip are probably the root cause of my strong disliking for dogs. The long scar on my right upper arm is from the summer that I did construction with some friends. The three small scars on my right forearm are from my sister's incredibly dangerous fingernails from our childhood years.

There are the countless scars on my knees from bicycle wrecks and scars on my right hand from who knows what. And when I go up stairs or jump my left knee pops. And not that it's a scar, but it reminds me of this past summer and what it was to me.

The scar on my chin will always remind me of someone from my past. I remember her coming to the hospital to see me. I knew that she was worried even though it wasn't all that serious, granted my twisting around on the ground probably looked pretty bad. Regardless of why, it reminds me of my time with her, long ago.

But there aren't just physical scars - there are emotional scars. And I think that this type lasts longer. It's the harm we do to people that pierces more than just flesh that sticks. Intentional or not, it scraps our soul and leaves us feeling abandoned, alone, weak, unwanted, or undeserving. And you can't just stand up and brush that off - Neosporin doesn't absorb that deep. The only way to heal those wounds is to let nature and time take it's course.

My only concern is that when those wounds heal, do they leave scar tissue? Does it leave you numb to pain and unable or unwilling to reconnect to people? to trust them? I suppose they do. Imagine putting all of yourself into something - someone - and to then have it mean nothing. Five months ago it was my life and now there's barely a trace...just a faint scent in the breeze that I can almost put my finger on, but it's gone before I can.

It's like falling off of a bike, I suppose...

Lost At Sea.

I wrote this:

You flew off in the morning
You said you'd come back for me
But I lost you somewhere over the sea

Everyone keeps telling me
How I should move on
But there's nowhere else that I belong

I begged her not to go
She said it wouldn't take long
But now the weeks turn one by one


The newspaper read "Three found dead"
One the pilot, two was you, and three is me


now that you're gone
it might as well be me
who's out there drifting, lost at sea

Not Enough.

This is a reworked version of a song I wrote a year or so ago.

__________________
I remember walking down that road
Holding hands in winter's cold
And dancing at the sight of snow
You held me tight like it was your life
Or maybe the temperature was too low, I don't know
But you were frozen to my coat

Don't you remember laying on your floor
Hardly touching for summer's torch, when you
rolled on me and said:
Why don't you kiss me like you did back when
I was fifteen and we had just began?
Oh it was something from a magazine

There were times that we hid our love
Times it shone like the moon above
And there were days it would outshine the sun
Then you told me that you had to go
You tried to explain, guess I still don't know
Something about missing your boat


I've been lonely since you left my side
But it will pass like your boat in the tide
With time you will fade from my mind
And someday I'll find mine

Now all that I've got are the memories we shared
But that's not enough - No, they don't compare
To your lips on mine or my hands thru your hair
No, that's not enough - I wish you were here


Will you think of me?
When it's late and you can't sleep?
Cos I'll be awake, dreaming of you

-Alexander Skidmore.

Is God In Control?

It's election night and Obama has been declared the winner due to the overwhelming results that have come in so far.

I will start by saying that I voted for McCain and I'm not ashamed to say that. Yes, I voted based on my moral stance as I believe that to be an important view to take as a Christian. Looking at situations in the Bible, it is easy to see that the first thing to go the window whenever the Israelites turned away from God were their morals. And for that reason, I can't understand putting those moral issues aside while voting for the leader of our country.

More importantly - I think everyone needs to realize that it is our right as Americans to vote for what we as INDIVIDUALS support and believe - whether it be a particular health care plan or your stance on gay marriage.

Also - my moral issues where not the only issue I looked at. I disagree with Obama's health care plan and as a member of a middle class white American family I am concerned by his tax ideas.

So McCain was the better man for the job, in my opinion. You are allowed to have your own - Just as I am.

Well to get to my point, first I want to say that - while I am disappointed that Obama won - I hope he does a good job. I hope he rises to the occasion and leads this country to a better place in our own existence and in foreign affairs. I do not know - nor does anyone else - how the next four years will go. We have our ideas that are based on what we've seen in his past - but we do not know what will actually happen.

As for the main point, here it is. Is God in control? I mean, yes I believe that He is in control of all things. but that doesn't mean He is sitting around with strings and pulling things into existence. Sometimes His control is sitting by and letting us do what we want. Look at how many times the Israelites strayed from his plan! So am I to think that no matter who we as a nation choose as our leader, God will take care of us? I don't believe that because I believe in the free will that we are given as humans to do what we want without the interference of God. He has no responsibility to watch out for us - especially if we do not follow His will.

I do not believe that everything that happens is part of God's plan. I do believe that God can turn anything around for His glory. But your dog getting hit by a car isn't part of God's plan. Get my point?

I am not saying that voting for Obama goes against God's will. I don't know His will. God is not a Republican or a Democrat.

So for God to be in control - we as his church, as his bride, must pray for His guidance; for Him to guide our leaders to do what is right. And even if our leaders do not follow God's plan - We must follow it in our own lives. The kingdom of man has no jurisdiction in the Kingdom of Heaven. which is more important to you?


oh, and by the way - Obama is not the antichrist you crazies.

(But he's not the savior either.)

Where I Am?

Nothing could ring more true to how I feel tonight. I am nowhere near where I want to be. And nowhere seems to want me.

I suppose that it would look like this picture; a small town by the sea where I could sit and feel the cool ocean breeze and not have any kind of worry and nowhere to be, but where ever my feet take me.

But I feel that my feet are in concrete and everything is settling down - not a good settling mind you. But a settling nonetheless. At the same time it seems that everything is whizzing by me. I'm the boy who I once was, picking at grass in the outfield as fly balls are landing around me. I am missing things and people are starting to drop their heads. I guess I don't care much anymore.

I'm tired of failing classes and having no money. I'm tired - and frustrated - with myself; for not picking myself up and getting back in the game. All motivation - what little I had - to do something is becoming a small blur in the distance. Perhaps it's a mirage and was never really there at all.

If I had a chance to walk away from where I am right now, I would pick up my mat and walk. It's just that it's pretty hard to do that when you're breaking your own legs.

A Heart In Fall.

It's just another day waiting

For the sun to shine

All the leaves are falling

Just like this sad ol' tears of mine

To the ground below

They're crunching under my feet

As I walk this road alone

Trying to forget about you

But still holding onto your ghost

Yeah, you're still haunting my soul

Can't help but think of all those trees

Cold and naked without their leaves

And that's how I feel without you

Wondering if I'll make it thru this

Long Winter

I've got this bottle beside me

To help erase you from my memory

Once it's effect wears off

Left with a headache and a hole in my heart

You're still marching to the beat of your drum

Misery Loves Company

And I want you here with me

But you blew away with the leaves

While I was begging you pretty please

Just to stay with me

Because the grass will turn green

And you'll see what I mean

When the birds begin to sing

For you and me

Again

-alexander skidmore.

These Days.

I am actually quite surprised that I haven't used this title before. It is a reference to the song of the same name written by Jackson Browne and made famous by Nico and covered by artists such as St. Vincent, Denison Witmer, Elliott Smith, Mates of State, and more. I had nearly forgotten the beautiful song that was introduced to me by the even more beautiful scene in The Royal Tenenbaums until today. I was sitting outside at campus reading a book that should have been completed weeks ago in between classes.
The cold fall air was blowing on my face as I sat bundled up reading and listening to the songs of Denison Witmer when his cover of the song came into my ears.
____________________

The scene from The Royal Tenenbaums has Gwenyth Paltrow's character getting off of a bus to meet her brother played by Luke Wilson. The whole movie has a theme of missed opportunities and the fear of lossing what little is left. Perhaps that is why it is one of my favorite films. Heartbreak speaks to me because it is such a human emotion. Everyone feels it and can identify with it - and if someone can't then they aren't alive.

I suppose that this song has always fit into my love for fall and the nostalgia that it brings along. I could talk forever about fall. As the leaves are falling and curling into themselves it reminds me of the things in life that do exactly the same. It feels like a time of losing and the realization of loss and the fear that engulfs one when they begin to wonder if they'll ever have something half as good as what they lost. It is a time for lonliness and questioning. Or so that is what I always thought of regarding fall. This year it has proven true - it has been more than feeling but a part of my life.

Today this song hit me when I felt it most. It was a moment that was lost as soon as I got up from my place on the ground; it doesn't translate here now - not to give it justice at least.

There are a few different lyrical versions, so this is a combination of my favorite verses. The first two lines of the last verse and different than the other version of the last verse. Both are beautiful and desperate but this one feels right for now.
__________________________

Well I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking these days, these days
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I've had the chance to

I've stopped my rambling
I don't do too much gambling these days, these days
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway

And I had a lover
I don't think I'll risk another these days, these days
So if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long

So I'll keep on moving
And things are bound to be improving these days, one of these days
These days I sit on cornerstones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten
Don't confront me with my failures
I have not forgotten them

Tis The Season.

What is it about fall? Fall is my favorite season and to be so unhappy during it really upsets me. I guess that it's been my favorite for so long because some of my fondest memories are during this time. Memories that I will cherish forever and longings that I will long for just as long.

There's something about scarves and caps and fallen leaves that remind me of those years. I think it has to do with the smell of propane.

___________________

Tis the season is right. What is it about heartbreak around this time? It's all around - or so it seems.

That's a funny thing, or at least as funny as it can be. Broken hearts sure are a bad hand to be dealt. It reminds us of our humanity probably more than any physical injury. The crippling effect that it can have on a life. Nothing brings you to your knees harder or faster.

_____________________

I'm in a phase of moving forward. Not to say I'm giving up hope, but I'm stepping to the side because it's what I...what we need to do. It's a phase that I'd rather be nowhere near but I am. In doing so I'm rewriting some of my songs. I have songs that I love - but I can't love them at this time. Most of the songs I write have something from my life that is true but then there's a piece of fiction as well. And to play these fictional parts with the autobiographical parts makes it difficult to play these songs. Because as beautiful as they are, I cannot sing the parts that aren't true.

The situation deserves better I suppose. It should be written as it is because it is beautiful and to belittle it is an injustice.

So that's one thing I'm working on. Making some of them fit my current state a little more.

I'm also trying to find things that are mine. I'm trying to avoid music and films that were ours or have some memory in my mind.

I'm listening to Johnny Cash. It's raw and inspiring.

I've missed photography lately. I see how beautiful it is to capture something in that one moment. I wish I had captured more moments that are gone and I don't want to miss anymore.

I'm in a phase of moving forward.

__________________

Friday I am going home. I need a recharge - my batteries have been dead for weeks.

I'm Taking A Mental Health Day.

So today, the weather is with me. The rain is coming down and I'm at home - skipping my classes. It's a mental health day.
I'm cleaning things out. I'm taking down pictures, changing passwords, and I'm packing away trinkets and letters and scribbled notes that have filled my wallet and hidden in my car for the last five years. I'm putting them all in a box where I hope that, one day, they will all explode out of and find their places again.
I will miss them for they are all very dear to me - because of what they represent and who they are from.

_________________________

This is an entry I started but didn't post from August 20th, 2007:

So today marks my last day at home. well, at this home - before i make a new one. Tomorrow i move for Murfreesboro, TN. i'm really excited but i've realized how unpleasant packing is. my room has been torn apart for the past week as i've tried to pack but get bored or frustrated.
there's something about taking everything you have and leaving. it's my choice - i'm leaving because i want to. no one is making me. but i'm still leaving. and there's something there. i don't like leaving.

_______________________

That is all that I wrote that day. Home is not here in Murfreesboro. I can say that, as I've been here for over a year now. It's just a phase where I'm learning - personally. I wish I could go anywhere but here though. The pain that I've experienced here is too strong. I know that it won't stay here when I leave. How I wish it would.

If I've learned anything, it's that home really is wherever your heart is. My heart is in West Virginia. My Heart is in North Carolina. These places...I will never forget. There are too many people that I will never forget - even if we never see each other again. People that have changed my life for good and bad.

Leaving is hard - even if it's not literal. It's probably harder to leave mentally and emotionally than physically. That is what I'm trying to do. Not to leave, but to stop chasing.

It isn't what I want but it's what she wants. If I could changer her mind I would but I can't - she made it up and that's all there is to it.

I'm not sure if I can tell my heart to stop. i feel that my body and mind have stopped running due to exhaustion days - maybe weeks - ago. but my heart keeps on going. I don't know if I can bare to tell him it's over. I'm afraid of what that may mean - for all of us. I don't want it to be over but I know it is, at least for right now. I don't want to give up.
I can't help but wonder if this could have been avoided. If we had talked about us more...or...anything.
I still can't say what I think and feel to the extent that I do. I've said things that I wish I hadn't said and probably not said things I wish I had.
I can't communicate the extremity that I want this to work out - the extremity to which I believe in us and that we could have a good life together.
It was so sweet. I hope it wasn't one-sided. I hope it's something that she will someday see worth fighting for; I'd live in the trenches with her. But I can't be there alone. It's a two-sided commitment. It's 50/50.

It's a difficult thing - knowing what you want and not being able to have it; thinking that you both want the same thing for so long only to find out that it isn't the case at all.

The Poison.

The poison makes its way through my body slowly
Into the pleasure centers of my brain
If you were here I would admit that I'm an asshole
But now it’s over and I can’t stay sober
Though it isn't like I tried

And on the front porch, or on an airplane on vacation
Or out for dinner in a nearby town
I was so proud just to have you sitting with me
But now it’s over and I can’t stay sober
Pour and swallow
Follow one shot with another
I'll keep on till you agree to come back over
Or until there are X's on my eyes

My old man always swore that hell would have no flame
Just a front row seat
To watch your true love pack her things and drive away


- Pedro The Lion.