I am the King of France.

Rather Than write new posts, I'm retreating to my drafts folder. Most of those are unfinished and were not put up because of that or some reason. But I figure, why not? This one comes from March 6th, 2008.

What have i learned in the last few days? that's a good question. i've learned that i am high maintenance. by that i require cleanliness. i require a bed - that is comfortable, and space when i sleep. i can be pretty selfish. in that way, i suppose i am like an old man. i'm grumpy. i don't like to get out of my skin, it's hard for me to be spontaneous and do something that would probably be pretty fun. i use jokes to avoid answering heavy questions.

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so it's spring break. i'm in north carolina w/ sara. we're leaving tomorrow after her class for tennessee. she's spending a bit of her spring break w/ me. it's been nice. 

i've put off a paper that i don't quite know how to write. it's due monday. i have no desire to complete it.

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last night i experienced rock's equivalent to bebop jazz. most of the crowd seemed to have no idea of how to respond to it. i responded by keeping sara's hands from applauding and holding my head in my hands. i did not like it.

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everyone has baggage. it's just something that happens as time goes on. some people can run faster with their baggage than others. baggage is different. but eventually everyone reaches a point in their life where they must choose their baggage or their train.

________Postscript____________________

It's always easier to hold onto what we're used to; what's familiar. There is comfort in the familiar. We recognize our place and how we fit into it, like an old worn in mattress. it may be broken or stained - maybe it needs replaced. but it is still comfortable and safe.

Losing that comfort is hard  but we learn from it. There are times that we want to run back into it even if it isn't the right thing to do. but with time, we realize why we hung onto it; why we lost our grip; or why we let go.

maybe we even learn that we don't need it, or that we're better off without it.

perhaps we will always miss the feel of the old leather handle in our hands and realize that it is the best thing out there.

and if we're lucky, we'll find it in the ditch right where we left it - but that's a risk we have to take.

No Closer To Any Kind of Truth.

My mood as of late can be described perfectly by the music that has surrounded me. At least that's how I feel. Perhaps it's just the somber tone of the music or something that they are saying. I suppose it's a bit of both.

I just bought Conor Oberst's, of Bright Eyes, new self titled and have probably listened to it twenty times thru already. It's beautiful.

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My life has changed drastically in the last few weeks, even days. I'm not sure how it all will work out. Can one ever really know that?

No one knows anything. I just feel like there's so much left to chance.

In the Death Cab for Cutie song "Bixby Canyon Bridge" Ben Gibbard writes about his experience of chasing the end of Jack Kerouac's rope trying to figure out life.  There's a line that says: 

I want to know my fate,

If I keep up this way.

By the end of the song he's realized that you can't know your fate - not even Kerouac did.

I've identified with that song specifically because I've been in that spot for awhile. I'm at a point where I'm trying to figure out what to do, what I want. Really, we're always figuring out life; never knowing what's just around the bend. And the beautifully sad part about it all is that the world goes on no matter what happens to us. We're only here for just a blip of time and think of how long the universe has gotten along without you? I think it's only human to want to make a lasting mark. I don't want to be just a blip. I'm starting to believe that once someone stops trying to make a mark and begins to simply live life for others rather than themselves that they have grown up; once they come to terms with the fact that they'll be dust in the ground.

And like the moon doesn't mind if the sun doesn't shine,

The sea doesn't care if you're lonesome tonight...

Many messengers and rebels have come and gone without a trace,

And many more will come tomorrow and many more will be erased.

Man O' War - Eric Bachmann

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I've thought of death a lot lately. Not as a morbid fascination but as a part of life. This past weekend I lost someone that I respected immensely. I wish that I had known him better - isn't that always a feeling after someone dies?

The other day I had a thought, while thinking of a line from a Beulah song that says: 

I sit at this table and I stare at these hands. 

Everyday they grow to look a little more like my dad's.

And I trace these veins that run up and down my arms.

From where I'm sitting, I trace sixty more years.

The thought was the only man I have in my life now is my father - and I won't have him forever. And once he is gone, who will be there to teach me? There are so many things that I still have to learn. I've missed so many opportunities to learn from people that are now gone. I don't want to miss those times with my father. I want to know his dreams and opinions, what makes him tick. What kind of person would I be to not know my family - the people who came before me and care for me? And just as much, I want him to know who I really am. In the last couple years I have gotten to know him more. I've read his writings, seen his pictures, and held the treasures from all over his years. I am grateful for that - for the chance to know my father.

________________

These are some lyrics I've written lately that have been in my head and heart:

Here comes the rain, I can feel it in my legs

With each pop washing cartilage away.

Feeling older with each drop upon my shoulder,

Not sure how much more I can take.

I don't know how much time I've got,

But I know that it can't be a lot.

I won't spend it with my head in my hands,

Wondering what could have been.

All I can hope is to wake in the morning,

And watch the sun rise again,

And to stare into your eyes,

And see a new day begin.

I could live with "What if"'s and "If I could I would of"'s,

But that won't get me very far.

If I spend my time looking at the past and not the road ahead,

Well, oh my darling, I'm sure to fall.

Awake On Dreams.

Whew. I can't quite sigh complete relief as Burrito Bros. Flying Youth Camp starts (for me) tomorrow. But so much of what has been on my plate for this past week is over and done with.

I played guitar tonight in front of people for the first time in at least six months. I can't believe that I don't do that more often as it is simply the most fulfilling thing I've done in my life. Oddly, it is mostly for me.

Compliments on my songwriting still amaze me. I can't believe that people enjoy something that I created. I try so hard to write good songs because I know that there is a lot of garbage out there. Music that either is great musically, great lyrically, one or the other, or both. And I want to write pieces that are both. I don't wanna be another person putting out worthless music. I want to be to someone what songwriters I look up to are to me. Inspiration.

I've recently stated my opinion on blogging. It's something that I had a knack for back in the day. I had something to say - at least I thought that I did. But I feel so empty right now; answerless. What I have to say isn't important or knowledgeable. It's just something I think for a brief moment. Maybe that's alright.

The new albums by Death Cab For Cutie and Coldplay have come out and both are great. Death Cabs is simply amazing. Benjamin Gibbard's lyrics cease to amaze and inspire me. The stories that he tells in three to five minutes  beautifully detail feelings of imperfection in human nature. They're so honest.

Coldplay's album is very good as well. There's something very different about it from their previous albums. I still haven't gotten to know it as well as DCFC's new one, but I'm enjoying it more and more.

Anyway, I'm up this late because I'm working on a video for camp. So I need to get to work.

The Old Familiar Things Are Mostly All Gone.

It's another hot day in Tennessee - too hot for my taste. So I spend my time inside meandering from one time killer to another. It's been a long time since my last post - not that I haven't tried. I'm accumulating a hefty collection of unpublished drafts on this thing. They don't make it past the initial moment of inspiration so they die in the process. maybe someday...

Mostly I feel that I've lost something within me. Maybe before, I thought that I had all of the answers so I could say all kinds of stuff, overflowing. But I realize that I don't know everything. And how many times can one person say that?

Today the last seasonal EP by Jon Foreman came out, logically named Summer. It's pretty good. They each have their moments. Fall is my favorite. Winter and Spring are both good too...it's too hard to decide.

______________________________

I'm currently done with classes. I had a class during May and another one in July, so I'm off for a few more weeks. My class in May was interesting. It was a history class but unlike I've ever experienced. It was this discussion based class how we interact with other people for the most part. The class self-segregated so that half of the  class was white and other half black, w/ a few of the other mixed in. It was interesting to say the least. race walls were torn down as we asked each other questions and laughed at our stereotypes. It was a harmonious world for the most part. once in awhile something would be said to get one person fired up, but it was always extinguished. It also served as an eye-opening class as I heard stories of how racism and prejudices are still alive today. It was a question-raising one as well. I had to examine what I believe to be true in many spots. Some of those answers are still floating around.

Growing Old: Static to Stagnant.

I'm tired. and I should be because it is 2:02 am. More than being tired, I should be studying for my exam that is at 10:20 am. This class should be taken seriously, which is less than how it is. But I'm tired of more than being awake. Actually that may be a good description of it.

I'm in a mood to listen to sad beautiful songs such as "The Temptation of Adam" by Josh Ritter, Eric Bachmann, Jon Foreman, or Denison Witmer. I don't want loud music.

I listen to Bachmann, Foreman, and Ritter's amazing story-like lyrics and I settle down into my mood. This is the mood that I would use to describe me. Maybe nostalgic isn't quite the right word. It's more of a feeling of just thinking. I imagine myself on a swing in late fall just looking over my life and reliving the stories that I've had. actually, I guess that is nostalgia. But it's not of my life - it's the life that I live thru these songs.

I don't see beauty like I used to. I miss photography and finding the beauty out of the brokenness of things. That always made me feel better.

This is an old picture that I came across today.

Cause nothing here ever changes

It's the same old thing everyday

Don't you know little birdie

You're the only one worth your weight

- Little Bird by Eric Bachmann

Way Back in the Shire.

Yesterday was a beautiful day for a bicycle ride. That actually went thru my head on my way home from class yesterday. I was listening to Nick Drake's album Pink Moon and riding slower than normal. There was no hurry. The wind washed over my face like cleansing rain.

_____________________

I'd been in one of routine funks lately. It may be a cause of being alone - after having been surrounded my people for a couple weeks and my roommate moving out. I spilled myself all over the floor - and it wasn't until after that cleansing that i finally felt motivated to pick myself back up.

I have to thank my bicycle for that. I took her for granted. She gave me the little bit of exercise I do, more money not being spent on gas, more time outside, and moments like the above. Sadly, it appears to be my last, as she was stolen from my patio last night. It's my fault for forgetting to lock her up, but I never expected someone to steal her. But if I never get her back, (which I highly doubt) then at least the last ride was memorable. Perhaps the thief will have a similar experience (or break their arm in an accident). I'd still like her back though.

______________________

One of my professors used the title phrase, or something resembling it, in class on Tuesday. Since then it's been in my head. I get this feeling of natural purity and innocence. Back to this time when things weren't corrupt. When you could walk barefoot in the yard or swim naked in the river. We no longer live in that world.

______________________

Today is a bit darker. I am out of my funk and intend on cleaning my apartment. The spilling out was not merely a metaphor. But I will do so while remembering my bicycle and remembering the shire.

Ramblin' Man.

So after narrowly escaping the grasp of a wicked cold, I am slowly climbing out of the pile of tissues. and i feel good. still congested, but good. i don't really have a lot going for me, but i'm very happy. i'm happy with sara, i'm happy with new music. i like my classes, i get to ride my bike on days like today.

today was beautiful. wasn't it? i think most everyone in the east had a good day today. not too cold, a nice breeze, a little overcast. i enjoyed it quite a lot. riding my bike today was rough tho. i think the wind the was blowing against me with all of it's might and it won. the wind is a jerk.

______________________

i've been ruined lately with this over abundance of new (mostly good) music lately. i love it tho. i don't think i could ever have enough of it. okay, here we go:

albums that i've gotten either by purchase or other undisclosed methods:

Nada Surf - lucky

Chris Walla - field manual

Jack Johnson - sleep through the static

Georgie James - Places

Menomena - Friend and Foe

a mish-mash of M. Ward

Coconut Records - Nighttiming

Juno: Official Soundtrack

and there's so much more that i just can't list cos it would be like deb's top 100 list. i can't stop. anyone that knows me knows that i have a problem. did you know that i have upwards of 400 CDs? well, i do. and that just what i find good enough to put into carrying cases. there's about 30 albums sitting on my floor that will not fit and at least 50 at home in a box because...well, let's just say i don't know what i was thinking.

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i feel like i'm a rare breed these days. does anyone buy CDs anymore? i obviously do. there's something about supporting artists - first and foremost. and i definitely buy albums if i deem them necessary to my collection. so people that buy on iTunes or some other service like that - props.

and i will admit that i do download albums by other means. usually i'll download them to see if i like them, because as a college student who is already melting his money away, i need to make wise purchases. and everyone knows that there is a lot of just...not good music.

____________________

Something i keep hearing is that artists today do not make albums to sell as a whole album. in an iTunes world, or a 'singles' world, that is all that is made. people don't  buy the whole thing just the pieces they like. i think that's sad. there's just something about having a whole album. it's like a whole pie. as a kid i would always throw that card like 'if i can't have two then i don't want any." sometimes i feel that way with albums. that's not saying that if i do not like the whole album i wouldn't obtain (somehow) the songs i like. just, there's something sweeter about having a full album - and one that is good all the way thru.

and there's something about having that medium. the book and the art. it's a full experience. i see it like 'this artist has packaged their music with these pictures and this is how they want their music to be experienced.' i think that makes it more magical. although i will admit that it is harder to be pleased with the full experience anymore because everyone is not trying to sell albums - rather singles.

so to all of the artists that are selling the full pie, i thank you.

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i feel compelled to mention this one album that is  coming out march  18th by a band "She and Him." it is (to my understanding) Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward. you may know Zooey from the movie Elf. she has quite a voice. she also appears on Jason Schwartzman's album (Coconut Records (which is smashing!)).

read about it and get a free song right here ->.

*and also Death Cab for Cutie's new album, Narrow Stairs, comes out May 22. oh yes.

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so here are some videos that have been brought to my attention (mostly from Sara O'Brien):

first, some Juno promos featuring Jason Bateman and Michael Cera:

and now, meet Old Greg:

and i'll leave you with this. i'm not saying i support Barack Obama. i don't know yet who i support. but i think he's got something. enjoy:

Show Me The River.

Ya know, every time i write on here it seems that it's a depressing entry. i know it's true. i just started too. most times, i start and don't ever finish it because i feel so... frustrated and i can't figure out what I'm more upset about. and as i sit and think of how lonely i am and how empty i am...i realize that I'm not always lonely and empty. actually I'm usually pretty content.

there are things that could be better. i still don't have really any friends down here besides my sister. i don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything - I'm not growing as a musician (at  least i don't think so). but...I'm not that bad off.

____________________________

One thing that i really miss in my new life is friends. i can't seem to meet people who are real. i want people that i can talk with and get a little deep. i wanna be open. i think the lack of that is one of my biggest frustrations. i got some of that a couple weekends ago when i was at sara's college. i can always find that when i'm with her and whoever she surrounds herself with. once in a while i stumble across it with other people. adam will always be my number one. i just don't like floating around and being superficial.

 _____________________________

i suppose there are always good things going on in my life. it's so much easier to focus on the bad and what disappoints me. there's a lot of that. i feel like i gotta do something or i'm gonna die. i'm tired of waiting in line and folding. i'm afraid that i won't make it; that my dreams will turn out to be just that. there's so much i could be doing, so much i could be learning and i'm not. i feel like i'm wasting time and i don't enjoy it.

i think i'm ready for something more. maybe i haven't made it to the river yet, perhaps i'm jumping the gun. i just know that i'm not gonna fold. i gotta take a chance.

 _________________________

Sources of Joy:

* long underwear on cold days - makes biking bearable.

* Coconut Records.

* Benjamin Gibbard.

* the fact that Nada Surf's new album comes out next Tuesday.

* the sound of my fingers on a guitar.

* Seeing John Vanderslice in March.

 __________________________

i ripped my pants today.  blast.

The Midnight Oil is Running Low.

I'm in the final hours of finals. One more to go. Too bad it's the hardest one I'm going to have and also the one that I care the least about. The three that mattered...who knows how I did on them. But this one I could not care any less than I do right now.

I'm going home soon. Not sure how I feel about that. I love being home, but I don't miss it that much. I miss my parents but not much else. I'm thoroughly excited for the possibility of snow because the 60 degree weather of Tennessee is wrong for this time of year. I'm in the mood for cold. For those feelings that I mentioned before.

I'm not ready to drive 9 hours - that is for sure. and oddly enough, I've had an extreme lack of social contact while I've been here but I'm not even looking forward to the increase of that.

It's not beneath me to lie and say that I'm alright even when things are coming down.

You're a sight for sore eyes, like the morning sun burning bright.

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Update:

I failed the exam and got a D- in the class. I passed!

Beginning To See The Light.

It feels like I've been hearing a lot about "finding your voice" as a songwriter and how there is a lot of disposable material in the music industry. I think I've become disillusioned with the glamour of rock n' roll and fallen for the meaningful and thoughtful music - the from the heart stuff. It's so much better.
I don't know a lot, but I think what I was told by a very intelligent man about Nashville was right.
I recently interviewed this man for a project and his responses were great. Maybe I'll post them later. in the meantime, read other interviews that are very....very insightful:
*http://www.colossiansthreesixteen.com/archives/1760
*http://www.colossiansthreesixteen.com/archives/1762

I saw David Bazan, formerly of Pedro the Lion the other night and he was talking about how Nashville is full of "Heartless Experts in an industry that doesn't need them" and I think I agree with him more and more as I watch and read things.
Relevant Magazine interviewed Bazan, read them here:
*http://www.relevantmagazine.com/pc_article.php?id=7263
*http://www.relevantmagazine.com/pc_article.php?id=7268
Another Interview w/ Bazan:
*http://hardtofindafriend.blogspot.com/2006/12/conversation-with-david-bazan.html

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I think you have to start by viewing music as art and not only as entertainment. and when you do that you can see the wonderful things that people have done - even people you don't like. The art that they have given us is timeless.
When you look at Starry Night or Picasso are not amazed? When you listen to "Let it Be" are you not moved?
But I understand.

____________________
I want to find my voice. I think I am. It's harder than one would imagine. I mean, what do I think is important enough to sing about? Right now it isn't much.
I know that my voice is not happy. my voice is aching and regretful. Nostalgic and wanting nothing to do with the future it knows nothing about.

____________________
I've been to many shows since I've been here: Modest Mouse, Ben Kweller, Nada Surf, Spoon, Josh Ritter, They Might Be Giants, David Bazan. They were all amazing.
I have pictures...my computer isn't wanting to deal with them right now though. soon...I will have some good ones up.

____________________
Now go and listen to The Velvet Underground.
or
Visit this site for some Christmas tunes:
*http://hardtofindafriend.blogspot.com/2007/11/merry-christmas-yes-really.html

Are We On a Pilgrimage?

I just finished Don Miller's Through Painted Deserts. Miller is an amazing writer. I'm not a big reader, it's not my thing. but when I find someone that can speak to me thru writing I enjoy it very much. There are times when I read him I feel like he's looking thru me and writing what's in my heart and mind.

Looking back, I can't quite figure out what it was that dragged me along with Don and Paul thru those painted deserts. Like their journey, it started out randomly and probably wouldn't go anywhere. But it did.

We are all on a journey thru life - it never ends. We're always growing and learning and experiencing. Life is a gift. Figuring out what to do with that gift is a monster that looms over every teenager and young adult. You can ignore it, sure, but it's still there. And one day you're done with college or tired of working in a grocery store and you realize that it's time to do something. Maybe not even for yourself, but because everyone expects you to. It's a scary thing. But life is a gift. And gifts should be enjoyed. It's magnificent, it's beautiful.

Yesterday I gutted a pomegranate, the first I've done on my own. I thank my dad for introducing me to them a few years ago. At first I was disgusted by the looks of it. They are one of those things that freaks you out and makes you wonder why in the world God would make a fruit like that. But then you really think about it and realize that God did make that. He designed it and I can picture him sitting at a table drawing up plans for it. What an imagination He has. And this world...this universe that we are in is full of objects and places just like pomegranates - things that you or I could never think of, that we could never design.
Someday I'll tell my children about pomegranates.

Due to an ill bike, I've taken to driving to my classes. It's easier so I haven't really tried to fix my bike seat. I'm wanting to more and more each day, alas, I do not. Still, once i fight for a spot and park I always don my headphones and iPod and listen to music as I walk.
I'm not sure what it is, maybe thinking back about Miller's thoughts or just the words and music in my head, but I'm growing to love life and where I am. I may not have many friends but perhaps growing in my ideas and personal identity is more important now.

I just want to be happy. I want to say at the end of my life that I have done what has made me happy. I want to say that I have enjoyed what I've had and made the most of it and not been bogged down my an idea of happiness that is portrayed thru media as the perfect American life that will never be accomplished.
I know what I think will make me happy. I know my passions and that I could not live without music. Realizing that God has a plan is hard to do. To hand this gift, the gift that He gave, back to him and say I can't handle this as if it's fine china is difficult. Because I want to hold onto it and not let anyone touch it but myself. Even though I know it is more likely that I will mess it up Than Him. Once it's back in his hands that monster doesn't look so big.

*********************************
Current Listens:
A Fine Frenzy
Eric Bachmann
Bill Mallonee
Josh Ritter
Sea Wolf
Elliott Smith
George Winston

Look Alive.

i'm hit w/ a dose of nostalgia like a train at 11 PM. it's strange. sometimes nostalgia is fun. you get a little hopefully, wishful, depressed, like walking thru leaves on a fall day with a scarf draped across your chest.
that's how i think of nostalgia. maybe that's why i love fall, or nostalgia.
oh oh - and hot tea and music.

i've written a new song. i like it pretty well. i think i like my songs. but there's more that i wish i could write. actually i just wish i wrote more than a song every couple months. i'm not a focused songwriter i guess. perhaps it's too much Lego Star Wars (the most addicting game in the world, right after Animal Crossing).
but i have kept my habit of being open to new music. my good friend Mike Gum has given me quite a bit of stuff. i haven't listened to all of it.
a few albums i've come to love:

Beck's Sea Change
More Elliott Smith, Pedro the Lion
Band of Horses
Iron & Wine's new album Shepherd's Dog
Radiohead's new release In Rainbows
Nada Surf has a new song out that is awesome. want to hear it? See These Bones.

i've really been feeling like getting out of my apartment and meeting people and doing something and playing my music. it's just what i want. i think it's what's missing.



I'm Impressed.


The Long Grift.

A Lonely Heart.

I told someone just today that I was feeling uninspired and that was my cause of absence. That is still true. But I've decided to go ahead anyway. It's due time.

I'm in a new place now. Murfreesboro, TN. that's right. After a week of classes I foresee this semester as being a long one. I won't lie, it's been lonely. Scrubs has been the only thing to keep me alive. that and the feeling of wind on my face and Matthew Caws in my ears as I ride my bike to classes. (I've also somewhat enjoyed the freedom of walking around in my underwear and eating all day.)

I'm not outgoing in settings such as this and that is the problem. I've held a lot in lately. Maybe that's why she wanted me to write; she knew I'd spill some information that otherwise would have died inside me.

Ending another night with a turkey sandwich and falling asleep to scrubs, I hopped online and found my way to The Dodos' website. I saw a little bird in the bottom corner and proceeded to click it. from there I found the developer (I can only imagine) and found a string of other sites in which i found two that intrigued me.

Nicole Hayden
Folkstar - Too Fast & Too Far Away

Songs and Pictures (that I'll leave you to find for yourself) on each were what captured me and still hold me.

Sometimes the thing that one needs to get out of a pit of despair is just knowing that someone else is there.


a bit of sunshine.

Who Do You Think You Are Mr. Big Stuff?

This is a comment that i left on myspace regarding a book titled God Is Not Great.
i realized that it will quickly be buried and not read so i'm posting it here.


*******
i just wanted to use that title - that's all.

BUT...
i think what is sad is that "religions" do get in the way of things. but Christianity is not about that at all. sure it happens thru all of the red tape and everything WE'VE made.
Christianity is about love - and i think some of us commenting on this are forgetting that.

i think a lot Christians in the States have forgotten that. Jesus hung out with prostitutes, the poor, thieves, and the sick. he was with everyone that the religious leaders said to get away from.
the way that Christianity should continue is to love each other - and not tell people to "say hello to satan on your way to hell" and "fuck off" because he wrote a book that you don't like.

i haven't read the book so i can only go off of the reviews and excerpts i've read, but it sounds like the author is talking about more of the crazy groups in Christianity like Westboro Baptist Church who shows up at everything w/ signs. and They are wrong.
God is not racist, or hates homosexuals - and he most certainly doesn't like to see people killed in natural disasters - and neither does any good hearted human being who thinks life is precious.

but religion is a choice - it's a freedom we have. and every religion has books about another.
and if people already don't like christians - isn't yelling and cussing at someone who has a right to write a book that you don't agree w/ gonna make US look worse?
i think we're all tired of our yelling and screaming (which at times may be necessary) but if we show people how truly GREAT GOD IS then that would be better. i think so.

i feel that i must say that this book does upset me, because it is about my God and my Jesus. and i know that they are great - even if i don't treat them that way all of the time.


*******
so after i read more comments on the page i stumbled upon haphazardly, i realized that there is such a misunderstanding by a lot of people about the Bible and why people follow Jesus. it's because they've found something.

it's sad how against it some people are. especially at that age. they've already been turned off to Jesus - why? was it our fault?


*******
Steam JV's new album,"Emerald City," here!

I'm Not Trying To Change The World.

i don't know what to do with this thing. i rarely post on it because i rarely have anything to say anymore. or it feels like the same old rants that are only empty words and mostly uninformed ideas.
i guess i like that though and there is still comfort to be found here. i almost feel pressured to say something witty or try and change the world because i do not want to get on here and tell what i ate for breakfast (which just so happens to have been an egg).

so things have been going on in my life mostly below the surface and nothing major. i thinking i've closed a lot and opened a bit.
i've kind of run around a lot without moving. figure that one out. i've thought of who i am and who i'm going to be, what a want and who i want. and i've come around almost right back where i started at. i'm happy for the first time in a while. i feel good about things. i can always find things i need in movies and music and i've found what i needed i suppose.


i'm frustrated w/ politics and religion and becoming a lazy peace advocate. not to say i'm against the war because honestly i'm very unintelligent regarding that topic. but i don't see peace as a bad thing. and oddly enough i don't think it will ever happen (just as i don't believe the environment will ever be saved - no matter what we do to prevent this faux-phenomenon known only as global warming).
i strongly believe that the world is a terminally ill planet. but that is not to say that we can't...make it more comfortable. catch the drift?

John Lennon's song "imagine" has really opened a thought to me. perhaps it's because i love songs that suggest something so pure and perfect yet impossible. the world will never be a purely peaceful place but why not try? i think it's worth it. why shouldn't everyone be happy?

i wish we could all open up and enjoy things for what they are. rather it's independent films, musicals, abstract art, a run down building, heavy metal music, sushi, democrats, rainy days, and so much more. we can learn something from everything.








**Check It Out**
Laura Veirs and here!
Autumn De Wilde
my New Songs!



you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one.
i hope someday you will join us and world will be as one.

The Horn.

I've traveled the east and played w/ bill mallonee since the last update. well, not w/ him...for him. but anyway....

I've been down to Murfreesboro to check out my college. of course, no college has everything together and screws up at least 34 times w/ each student. all of mine hit this weekend. but, it doesn't matter. i can' wait to be down there. it seemed nice - i think i'll love my new home.

last night - the bill mallonee - show was awesome. very relaxing and informative as he told stories of vincent van gogh and war vets.
i did play a few songs to open and they are now up on myspace. if you didn't come - you missed out.


Records to Look out for:

Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
Rocky Votolato - The Brag and Cuss
They Might Be Giants - The Else
St. Vincent - Marry Me
John Vanderslice - Emerald City
The New Pornographers - Challengers

We Slept on Couches.

i woke up for work today and once i popped Coldplay's Parachutes album in the CD player and hopped in the shower i remembered my odd dream. Ben Folds and I were living together making music. he played drums and i played guitar (which is a little off since he's amazing at piano). it was a nice dream. i remember he flew away in an airplane at the end of it. and he does live in Nashville...

i guess that's what i get for falling asleep to Rockin' the Suburbs...

today feels like it will be a good day.

So What Did You Do Today?

After first realizing that I start a lot of sentences w/ the word “so” I start my entry for the 2nd time…
Today started around 10:45 as I awoke and headed downstairs. I learned two very important things: one of which doesn’t concern you and the other being that we lacked the amount of milk needed to accompany the bowl of Cocoa Krispies that I had just poured. I compromised on a smaller bowl and headed for the television. There, the masterpiece known as Scrubs entertained me with reruns I’ve seen a hundred too many times.
After that the day turned quickly to a day filled with music. After talking Bill Mallonee (an artist who is becoming more of an inspiration day by day) w/ my dad and burning a copy of his latest release – Permafrost (which dad received today and pricked both of our ears), I headed to my room to listen to him. That quickly turned to more music intake.
(and how could I fail to mention that Bill will be in Lost Creek, WV on June 17th?)

Then I found the eight back orders of Paste Magazine (the best music magazine in the world) that I had ordered setting on the porch. So of course I had to rip into that. I ordered them because they contain some of my favorite artists by articles, featured on the sampler CD or DVD or reviews. Artists such as: Ben Folds, Arcade Fire, Sufjan Stevens, The New Pornographers, Iron & Wine, Bright Eyes, Death Cab for Cutie, John Vanderslice, The Decemberists, The Postal Service, Rilo Kiley, Neko Case, Denison Witmer, Beulah, and countless others I haven’t found yet.

The videos of Bright Eyes (The Bottom of Everything), Rilo Kiley (It's a Hit), and The Postal Service (We Will Become Silhouettes) were especially nice.
But I was quite disappointed by the less than fair review of John Vanderslice’s last release, Pixel Revolt.
(Read about his upcoming release HERE.)

So now I’m sitting listening to T.W. Walsh formerly of Pedro The Lion’s new project, The Soft Drugs and loving it.
I recently saw the other part of Pedro the Lion, David Bazan on tour with Benjamin Gibbard of Death Cab and one of my new favorites, Johnathan Rice. I don’t think I need to go into too much detail of that show to express how amazing it was. So I will say simply that – it was amazing.

So how could I do anything else today…today, a day that has been filled w/ inspiring things, than to play work on music or simply enjoy the day? It is a beautiful day after all.

I guess that’s all I had to say…which isn’t much at all.

For anyone that's human - Clearification.

Stretching Out To Reach The Sun.

I feel this need for interaction right now. but i know that i must dive deeper into my seclusion and work on my speech that i must give tomorrow. have you ever felt like just saying, "forget it! i ain't doing that!"? well...today that is me.
i'd rather sit here and listen to aqueduct or bright eyes or the snake the cross the crown or sufjan stevens or john vanderslice.
better yet, i'd rather get out of my house. i'm getting fat.

i'll slowly be putting up more videos from concerts i've been too.
here's a short video of JV and his mom:


i want to be outside. i want to play guitar.

tomorrow night is Fluke's first public performance in over a year. we're playing at Fairmont State's Battle of the Bands.
it is at 8PM in the Turley Center Ballroom. it costs $2. there's my plug.
we haven't practiced for awhile either, which leads to the 2nd source of stress/frustration. i think we'll do fine - i hope we win.

i am tired of faking living. i hope to truly live someday.

here's some lyrics to a song i wrote. it's called "Snow"; it's about dreaming.


It seems life is flying by at light speed
Everything good has passed me by the time I turn around
And I need a plan to slow it down

But in reality
Life’s not always easy
It’s nothing like TV
You can’t turn it off

I just wanna keep on sleeping
Sometimes I wish I were dreaming
But I’m pinned down in my problems
The truth is I’m tired of living

Dreams come true? I always heard
That the grass is greener, but only when the sun is shining
And snow is falling while I doze off at the wheel

I need a plan to stay awake as long as I can
Cos when I sleep I don’t dream anymore
That is until you melted the snow and opened my eyes

Let’s face reality
Life’s not that easy
But dreaming won’t make you happy
You’ve gotta make it happen

How could you just be sleeping?
Don’t you wish sometimes you were dreaming?
If only I had that problem
Cos I’m tired of faking living

There’s a great big world outside
Don’t spend all the time in your mind
Go be what you want to be
And stop living in reverie

How Quivering & Fierce We Were.

well, i played bass guitar for John Vanderslice this past weekend. I'm not sure that there's much more to say about it.
it was really really cool - i played on the song "My Old Flame."
JV said that he got a lot of responses about me - that were good.



i felt pretty good about it too. i had stood thru the entire set of St. Vincent and JV's first half until the time of "Dear Sarah Shu" when he gave me nod from the stage to tell me i was next. i went off to the bathroom to quell my manifestation of anxiety. my hands shook wildly as i washed my hands in the cold water. the bathroom had posters and stickers of bands that had or had yet to come.
i stepped out and meandered up to the stage. the song seemed to go a lot more quickly than i thought it should have. i was only standing up front long enough to take in a couple deep breaths before he said my name and asked me to come up.
as soon as he did, i dropped all the notions of doing badly or looking stupid. i realized that i was about to play bass with one of my favorite artists.

it was another reminder of what i want to do. i felt so at peace on stage. i wasn't nervous about being in front of people (except for JV). it was great.

another reminder was friday night when i played guitar for sara's friends as we sat on the porch late into the night. people liking my music was encouraging.

i can't wait to go to Tennessee.

The video.

I'm a Bad Best Friend.

right now i have this feeling that i hate. it seems to come up from time to time (more rare anymore) where i cannot remember what i wanted to write about. on the way to panera bread this morning...around noon, for the bbfyc meeting i had an idea going thru my head. and now, when i feel like writing - i can't remember.
everyone has a time when they need to vent. i'm not sure why i choose to do it here rather than where no one will see it. perhaps it's because i think that my opinion is worth hearing. i supposedly have that right. and i'm not making you read this. we all see thing we'd like to change and we've all had times when we feel that we cannot say them. i feel like saying them. so, as it comes...

i feel like don miller as he talks about living with hippies and feeling real, unconditional love by them - more so than w/ his christian friends.
i talked to my friend justin about this and he knew what i meant. there was a time when we had that and i remember when we lost it. unshared feelings and jealous rage. people were hurt and it ended. a few of us tried to keep it going but no one else was into it. too many of us have been burned and have drawn back into our caves. sticks are shaken and people chased off.
i want people i can trust. i want a friend i can just lie w/ in the grass and talk to. i hate everything feeling so business-like.
sometimes i come home and just want to scream because i don't understand why people can be so arragant and self-absorbed. i wish people could get over themselves and stop complaining because they have to do something that they have to do. it's just not fun anymore. drama surrounds us.

i've missed north carolina more and more. it's funny actually. when i lived there it was pretty unenjoyable. it was a very awkward time for me. i felt completely alone except for sara. she's fine and all - she's more than fine. but i needed more. i expected to have all of these people and whenever i called they weren't home.
but when i visit, it is wonderful. i see everybody or at least the majority, and we sit in the grass and talk. we may disagree in our political and religous views but we can get deeper than that. we all have something in common there is a genuine care between those kids.
on a side note:
i think that's my beef w/ christians. so many just see things at face value. so many people look at something and judge it in one second. they don't look to see the point of it. they don't even look to see what they could do to improve it. christians want everything to be perfect and it's not. i'm fed up w/ christian music so much that i would flat say i hate it. there are always exceptions, but they've all broken up or moved more mainstream. i feel like there is no sense of artistic creativity in the christian community and that is why i do not like it. if what we have is so wonderful and holy then why aren't we making the most beautiful art? i don't understand it and i'm not seeing it.
there's a loss of humanity anymore. feeling compassion and wanting to do something about it is so rare anymore. even if it goes against your political range, why can't you understand and actually see what's happening? why are some issues even political? Jesus' whole thing was love and here we are just not caring. i wish i were more into helping people.


we don't just talk anymore. i don't know what's on your mind and on your heart. sometimes if i try and ask you make me feel dumb. i'm not that upset about moving come fall. part of me can't wait to start over. i don't want to be stuck in this small town eating at the same restuarant for years to come. i hope i'm gone and doing what i want - and i hope you are too.


personally, i wish i were a better person. i know i could be. i could care more and be more dependable. i could do my homework before the night it's due. i could spend less time watching television and go outside. i could make a difference, i know. i wonder what people think about me. could someone i know write an entry about things i do? probably.

Good News & Even Better News.

I've finally accepted the version of a song i had called "beg your pardon." it took awhile to get it edited so that i liked it. i'm not sure if i've succeeded completely, but i wanted to get it out there. SO, check out my myspace to hear it.

and now for the "even better"
If any of you keep up w/ John Vanderslice then you will have noticed that on his current tour, he has asked for people to play w/ him. so...on my 21st birthday (april 26th) i will be playing bass w/ him @ the Local 506 in Carrboro, NC. i'm playing on "me and my 424" & "my old flame." i can hardly believe it and half expect to show up and it be a complete lie. or maybe i'm in an episode of Newhart...

Completely Unoriginal.

it's so much easier to play someone else's something than to write your own. right now, the thing that i cannot get thru my head is how to make these recordings of mine sound any better or how all of these people can do things with a guitar that they do.
out of my frustration have been many half-attempts and pout sessions.
that is to say: i've written a few songs but don't have them recorded. i did however, record my attempt at a Bright Eyes song, "The First Day of My Life." it is a very good song.
it's up on my music space, so check it out!

A Latent Power I Know They Hide.

so it's just after 1am and i'm stuck to Fuse TV. my magnetic connection can sever once The Shin's music video for "Phantom Limb" ends. it's actually the only reason i watched it.
today my parents and i departed for pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to get my sister; she flew in for her spring break. like every car ride, it ended with me falling asleep in a most awkward position while listening to music on my iPod. mostly being The shins and Death cab and Spoon.
the most exciting thing that happened today: , while waiting for her plane, we looked thru ikea forever...i bought a cactus. how exciting. hopefully it will live as well as my chiapet widget. (sadly, it has died three times already)
then we went to a book store forever. i couldn't find a book i had seen there once before about learning harmonica (which is harder than you'd think - or maybe i'm untalented) so i looked thru some outdated books on the topic of home recording. i wish i had money to buy all of this equipment and be able to do what i want to with my music.
i've written two new songs. i just need to record them, after i finish touching them up. i'm very happy with them.

personally, i hated the movie "the science of sleep," it made no sense. well, okay...it made sense. sometimes people try to be too artsy, and his was one. i liked parts and things in it. just not enough to like it all.

i'm driving to North Carolina, to spend time w/ sara this friday morning and see the shins on saturday. oh, my blood cannot sit still. it courses thru my body constantly, filled with excitement. or maybe it's just to keep me alive. friday, why are you a week away?

new releases to look out for:
March 6th
Relient K - 5 score and seven years ago
march 20th
Modest mouse - we were dead before the ship even sank
the snake the cross the crown - cotton teeth

there's so much music that is crap, in my ears. why is that all that's on television?
i got my shins fill and i've emptied my mind, the end.

The Art of Lying, Or Give Me Death.

---this is a paper that i wrote for my english class in two hours. sara liked it, so i figured i'd throw it up. enjoy.---


Sweat drips from the artist’s brow as he makes the final strokes, making the picture complete. He stands back, giving it one last look-over as the paint dries, locking it into place. It must be flawless before its unveiling. Every fiber and strand has been woven together perfectly, forming an opaque web of false beauty. He is proud of what he has made; it is good. Those who look upon it become lost in it, their minds winding around and around every twist and turn that the artist’s brush has left. Without a second thought the naïve observer has bought into the spinner’s lie.
Most everywhere one goes they will encounter a statute on lying. And in probably every case, it is looked down upon quite harshly. Consequences could be expulsion from an institution, or a parent threatening a child with time-out or a spanking. One must swear in a court of law to “tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” The disapproval of lying is even high enough to make it into the Ten Commandments given by God to Moses on Mount Sinai. And in chapter five of the book of Acts, God kills Ananias and Sapphira for lying to the Apostle Peter.
While lying is intensely discouraged, everyone would say that they have lied at least once in their lifetime (even that would be a lie).
And why are some people so good at it while others fumble with words and begin to sweat as soon they try their hand at it? It is as if they have attended classes on how to make anything sound believable, cover their tracks, and do all of this while remaining completely confident in their deception.
All throughout middle and high school I have encountered people who could talk their way out of anything. These students could convince a teacher that aliens came and asked for that day’s assignment so that they could fuel their spaceship and return home. And watching them was like watching a magician performing an illusion that could not be figured out, and caused complete enigmatic responses. “Is that possible?” one would say to themselves upon watching again, more closely for the slight of hand that had to be there.
An art form is defined as: “any activity regarded as a medium of imaginative or creative self-expression.” Looking back, these people were artists, real-life Ferris Buellers! They lived by Ferris’ own words, “You can never go too far.” Nothing was out of reach for them.
Lying typically is not seen as beautiful; it is not a masterpiece n canvas or a composer’s magnum opus. It holds no greater importance than a long-awaited writing from the foremost novelist. And yet, while it is none of these, it is very similar to them all.
A liar’s lie is his masterpiece. Like a symphony, every part is important. Even the smallest percussive instrument, the finest detail, is crucial. Without it, the composition may appear weak or empty; the fabrication may unravel. If that happens, the ramifications could be devastating and ruining. One bad lie, a string of unwanted paintings or a song failing to reach the number one spot could lead to one’s demise or the viewing by the public as being washed out; a one hit wonder.
Like all art forms, talent is required and only the bold and innovative will survive in its cutthroat industry.
Not all art forms were widely accepted in their beginnings. Rock n’ roll was considered immoral and the devil’s music in the 1950’s, while Impressionist painters were scorned for painting differently from the norm back in the 1860’s. Perhaps in time, lying will be accepted and we will learn about con men and liars in years to come. After all, we study politicians in history class today.


---new Aqueduct album, AMAZING. listen here: http://barsukmusic.blaireau.net/aqueduct/---

Video Lives.

are you among the few that has yet to see ladderboy? what?! you are the minority.

to see the short film saga sweeping the nation, go to the new link: http://www.closerstep.com/sites/bear/page1/page1.html.

what's different you ask? well you can download them and episode two now has sound! oh, wond'rous day.

Boy Howdy!

alright, w/ music stuff:

i've put up more songs on my myspace - www.myspace.com/alexskidmoremusic

and there is now a fluke myspace. we've got one song up right now, i'm sure we'll get more. www.myspace.com/meetfluke

enjoy.

Music For You, or Charles Says 'Hello'.

as adam, or charles, sits here belting out his american idol tryout songs, i'm excited to tell you all of the songs i've put up on myspace!
so, go to: www.myspace.com/alexskidmore music. to have a listen.
the tracks i have up are from today's recording session w/ alex linger. if you hate the reverb, it's his fault. if you like it, then you're welcome.
enjoy!

p.s. for a good hearty laugh, go to www.mypsace.com.

Serendipitous Update, or Here We Are Again.

i find myself sitting on a couch in the youth room on a saturday afternoon. which rarely happens, or at least it has been.
i received a call from joe to come and record some songs. we had done this in the past and it gave us a tangible little lo-fi treasure. so i got up, packed up, and hopped in my car to come and hit the tracks again.
he's playing a song now that i like alot. i don't know what it's called though. i've recorded my bass track for tazisto about three times now and i want to do it again so that the perfection check in my head is marked.
i'm reassured that this is what i love - making music. it's been too long.

i guess this post only sounds good with joe singing his song behind it. if only you could hear.

Are You Writing From The Heart?

Last night ended just about how every night ends. i stayed up late- this time, watching the two episodes of the office that i've missed. i did this w/ full knowledge of my nine o'clock class and that the notion of skipping it to play in the snow was dancing in my head.
so i laughed hard, especially when Michael Scott's robot said "boobs", and i giggled w/ glee when the mighty mighty team that is Jim and Pam reunited to fool Andy.
Then i fell asleep at one o'clock.
then i tried to wake up many times from 7:30 til 7:55. this process was foiled by dreams and the invention of a snooze button. finally, a connection was made in a dream that i had to wake up, so i did. what follows is not anything of interest. (actually, my fear that cripples me into locking the bathroom door did resurface. i believe it stems somewhere around the time i was struck w/ a plunger by Gabe Adams & Adam Mchenry. oh, or perhaps when Justin Mitchell jumped into the same shower as me and used my shower gel while i cowered in the corner wrapped in the curtain.)
i head off to school w/ iPod in hand, already having selected Sufjan Stevens. this alone is enough to cause someone to become a new person.
class is alright...i catch myself in the restroom mirror after dropping my books off in the classroom, and admit how good i look.

my english class sort of disappoints me. everyone has something to say, i'd like to think that. why aren't people more open and willing to say what they think? writing is one way that everyone is different. while there may be similar views, no one has the same vocabulary or vocabulary. that's what makes it so unique! no one voice is the same.
i've been missing my writing sense. it's been so long since i've felt like i had something to say. today inspired me more. i've been meaning to buy a journal lately. today i did.

class is over, i'm walking out into the cold and i hear some people engaged in the "soda vs. pop" controversy. i can't help but laugh since i've been involved it in so many times. some things will always be talked about. that's one of them. (by the way, it's pop.)

so i get in my car and pop on Sufjan again. the song titled "Come On! Feel The Illinoise! (Part 1: The World's Columbian Exposition; Part 2: Carl Sandburg Visits Me In A Dream)" is playing and the line that is this entry's title is sung.
i think that's what i was missing. my heart.
i love the movie "lady in the water"; i feel as if i've seen my nymph.

i've felt so much like giving up on things lately. not too seriously, but it's gotten tough. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever learn guitar as well as i want to. i haven't had anything to write about and i haven't taken any pictures.
but lately, i felt like i've gotten that back. it's like, the inspiration to do it just showed up. the snow fell and i opened my camera bag. i heard those words and i wanted to write.
so i suppose to ask, "are you writing from your heart?" is to ask, "are you living life?"

do you have something that makes your heart beat faster?
i'd hate to think i'm writing all alone.

A Few New Shots To Soak Into Your Bones.

so today it snowed. wee! after your leaders meeting at church, a few of us went sledding. my weapon of choice: a folding table.


i love driving in the snow. following the record-like grooves around and around. it's peaceful and slow.
i've uploaded new pictures. i know, it's been awhile. go to my flickr to check them out.
here's a few to tease your budds:

Counting The Times A Quarter Turns To Ten.

i listen to music that grapples my emotions way too much. the words are like nets thrown over, only to drag me deep into a cave of broken hearts and tears.

so i found out recently that i am accepted into Fairmont for this spring semester. but even more encouraging is the news of being accepted into Middle Tennessee for the fall. that's a weight off i welcome.
but now i've got the task of scheduling for classes.

i feel good about all of this. i'm already jumping to when it's over.
maybe thinking that everything will work out isn't so smart. i think i'm scared about being unhappy. i want to be happy and there is so much on the line right now.

being a very nostaglic person, i love the song "these days" by nico.
i wish i gambled more. but i don't think i'll ever stop dreaming.
i hope not.

I’ve Had My Fill, or, All Things Go / All Things Grow

I have so many things in my head and none of them seem right. I’ve been emotional lately; crying at things that I would normally never look at again. It’s all been in movies though. I know what it feels like it to feel purposeless and alone. I have dreams that at times I would throw out the window or burn because of how hard and unlikely they all seem.
I think I’ve cried at everything I’ve wanted to hear myself - everything that I don’t.
At times I feel the complete opposite, perhaps, unworthy, but not worthless.
It would be nice if things came easily and answers to life, the paths to take, were right in front of you. If the happiest options were laid out to see, how wonderful that’d be. The fact that I could make a decision now and be unhappy for years, unsatisfied, or not at my potential…scares everything out of me.

The banjo of Sufjan Stevens has been inspiring. Actually everything of his has.
I wish I knew what was best for me and whoever walks this world with me. I just don’t feel like I do at all.
Stepping out blind is nerve racking. It’s even worse if it’s hazy because what you think is one thing may be completely different.

In Response To Your Monday.

today, for the second time this year, my world moved. but as where last time was a step to the left, this was a step to the right.
i feel like i'm in a space between spaces. i'm the line between the lines that i'm trying to read. i'm not quite sure what i'm doing. i hope it's good.
i'm glad my head's on straight though. i've noticed there are a lot of non-headed people in my wake. and i can only wonder if perhaps they'd still have their's if i'd not left their side.
i ate a cookie too; it didn't fill the void that came today.

so i've taken some pictures. a few last ones before i left NC. that was such an odd thing. it didn't even feel like leaving. i don't think it's hit me yet that i'm not going back in a week. the pile of possessions in my room should be a good indicator.
hark, the sound of unpacking joined w/ that of nico.

i think listening to your soul is something to try.

What is Snow?, or, Where to Go?

what is up w/ this weather? i'm wearing t-shirts in december w/o a coat. North Carolina is crazy.

it's hard to believe that this is my last weekend in sanford. it seems like it was so long ago that i moved it.
i have one more final and then i'm done, i'm so relieved.
i'm still unsure of what to do when i get back home. i've already agreed to being joseph in a thing for Horizons next sunday. i am excited to work w/ the youth again. i've missed playing guitar for them and i feel like i'm really willing to give it more this time around.
school is another thing. i've been giving an opportunity to do something and i'm really considering it. i'm not sure though. getting started in school is really important right now. i guess we'll see what i do.
i've fallen in love w/ sufjan stevens. i never quite gave him a chance until i heard the song about Decatur.
i guess i am pretty unsure of myself right now. exactly what i'll ever end up doing. sara and i are wondering about what's coming up in our lives and what it'll mean for the two of us. it's a challenge we've not yet faced.

in time we'll find it.

The Buzzing Won’t Stop!

Written Friday, December 1st.

I’m in this unhealthy addiction to 60’s rock music, The Beatles & Simon and Garfunkel mostly.
I also have this incessant buzz emanating from my stove area. It starts as a “once in a while thing”; it’s now a “never ending thing.”

All of these songs I’ve heard have further inspired me to work on the story I’ve come up w/. its a sort of autobiographical thing based on my life right now. But its more exaggeration of what could happen – not what has happened. I like the idea a lot. Oh, and I’ve come up w/ some good music for the next installments of “Ladderboy”; that’s right: he’s coming back…I guess.
I wrote a song. I’m excited to have a chance to record back in WV w/ joe and adam again. I’ve been missing that part of my life a lot.

I have this paper to do on Censorship in the Music Industry. I’m torn as to what side to go with. I believe it’s the conservative Christian in me that says music should be rated like films. Music has the same stuff in it that would get a movie an R rating. Children shouldn’t be exposed to the stuff in music that compares to what they aren’t allowed to see in movies.
i also don’t think any art should be censored – covered up or refused exposure. But we should watch what audience is exposed to it. we have the right of free speech. So whether it’s marilyn manson or Michael w. smith – they have the right to put out what they want to.
Now if only I can write 4 pages on that topic…by Monday.

A Trip Down Some Lane.

i've sat and tried to write a post a few times this week. everytime i do, i get bored and blocked and cannot.
it's been a week of driving, oh has it. i'm settled for a day now, then it's eight more hours.
what has this set of car trips taught me? hmmm. i've seen that music is more to me than most people. it seems that way.
actually, i feel the same about movies. i've just realized that. see, the music thing has been floating for a few days now.
i feel like i take something away from it no matter what it is. that's not true. i refuse to be handed anything by rap.
today's been pretty rough. i've been on edge w/ a lot of things. i've felt very belittled. i'm a pushover of sorts.
i like watching things pass by.

i don't feel like typing now. there comes my apathy. or maybe it's indecision in masses. i'm so indecisive that i quit.

i'll leave you w/ this tid-bit:
order the shin's new EP by clicking the title!

The Irony's Laying Thick.

so right now, i'm sitting in a dark church parking lot using internet that i'm not paying for. i don't even know where it's coming from. it's 11:41 and i've been sitting here talking to good ol' joe barnosky, listening to a.c. newman & rocky votolato, and catching up on my emailing.

i dropped my math class; you have no idea how good that feels.
it's quite ironic that once i'm about to leave sanford, i start to feel myself settling in. i'm seeing this people that i spend time w/ as friends. they're not my best friends. we have a lot of differences, but they like me and i like them. they are sincere.

i think i see that clarksburg is my photography muse and sanford is my music muse. i haven't taken any pictures since i've been here (in contrast to what i take back home); the opposite is true w/ my songwriting. i don't find this area to be visually appealing i suppose. and all of my alone time has caused my to mind wander.

lately i've been addicted to a nintendo game titled "Pikmin". it's sad, and childish...i love it. you play a spaceman that's crashlanded on this planet and you have to use these creatures you find, called pikmin, to do stuff. there are different colors and the different colors do different things. when they die, it is sad.

i read an old interview/review of Starflyer 59 and their 2003 release, Old. it was enjoyable, i will leave you link in case you care to endulge yourself.

it's getting colder and the moon is higher. i believe it's time for me to roll on out and head back to my one room everything.

Who Needs Fire?

How I crave a warm fire to crawl up next to and lay like a snake. Instead, my space heater and a cup of hot tea will have to do. Sure it’s 1:30 in the AM, but I do get an extra hour tonight. So I will waste it away as if it didn’t even exist.
I write now, listening to jenny Lewis, feelings I’ve been trying to scribe out for weeks now. I’ve actually had this yearning to write, but haven’t been able to sit and spill. I have an idea for a story I want to write. It’s kind of my life right now; w/ some exaggerated details and predictions that probably won’t happen. It’d be nice if I could channel that writing creativity into my paper that’s due Monday. Oh well. Stress is the best motivator.

So much seems to be happening. I feel like I really know what I want to do; of course it requires me to leave Sara and return north. Middle Tennessee State University has a program in Music Production. Sadly, only four classes from CCCC (my current school) transfer to MTSU. So, I’m going home for a semester to take classes @ Fairmont that will transfer down. And pray to God that I’ll get into MTSU.
For once what I want doesn’t seem so far fetched. I’ve wondered if dreams ever do damage to life ever since I heard nada surf’s “in the mirror”. Pipe dreams are wonderful, but if that’s all you have going for you then maybe it’s time to put down the pipe. It’s like someone saw me putting down the pipe and said, “What are you doing? That’s crazy – don’t stop dreaming.”
Dreams are what we’re made of. Sara always has these crazy dreams that never make sense. I like hearing her dreams. Especially when they’re about me.

It’s sad to think that there are people who don’t have dreams of their own. That there are people who aren’t happy, and have no clue of what would make them happy.
I like knowing, or at least thinking that I know, what that is.

I feel like making a mix CD, so I believe I leave to do so. I do owe a few people some anyway.
The combination of Jenny Lewis, a space heater, and a cup of lady Grey Tea is a very soothing one.

I’ve changed my mind; never put down your pipe. Smoke it long and hard, until you’re dead…or living.

Gone. Forgotten?

I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
-Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey)

i watched "american beauty" the other day. now i can't remember why it motivated me so much. that motivation didn't last long, whatever it was.

i have new pictures up!

College Funds.

these roads are so familiar, but it seems like it has been years since i've been here. things have changed, but the people remain. as i walked into the church during middle school youth group, i looked around to faces that i missed. it was a warm welcome and i loved every minute of it.
everyone commented on my pseudo-beard; i said i was shaving it and they cried, "NO."
i still think i will.
it feels so good to be home. my parents and i talked early into the morning about all kinds of stuff. i've missed them quite a bit.
my mom rearranged my room.
some guy passed me on the way home, and screamed "asshole" at me; i caught up to him but didn't know what to do. so i did nothing.
it's freezing in West virginia. i'd kill to be a polar bear; except then i'd be in the tundra. that's colder than west virginia. so would it really be worth it?
this week i look for a new college and read and play lots and lots of poker.

Dwindling Flame.

when will things change?
i've applied at 4 different places, and none feel like hiring me.
i've put homework off every time i've had it. i've told myself that i wouldn't do that anymore after each time. i'm doing that right now actually.
i'm still lazy, which i also told myself i would do no more.
i have written a few more songs. that's about the only thing i've done to make me feel valuable.
i have thought more about what i want to do. i've come up w/ some ideas but they are hard. i think they'd be worth it tho.

my english class really is good. the few people i've hung out w/ outside of classes are in that class. we talk a lot about current events and relate them to writing. it makes me think.

i am enjoying this. it seems all of my posts lately have been downers. it's just that i'm seeing how unsure of everything i am. but i'm seeing other things. i've grown since i've been here. i've been forced to wash dishes and clean and cook. being responsible for yourself is really something. it's not all cake either.
my biggest upset is being alone so much. and i don't really feel that i have people close by who can take that feeling away.
it's hard to explain.
i've seen what i really enjoyed, what i should have treasured. hearing about things back home is fun but it makes me miss it too.
i'm full of contridictions. i've always had the problem of seeing both sides and trying to even it out. then it all hits in the middle and a blah comes out.

okay, it's time to turn off the mewithoutyou, drive away from my secret location, and go study for biology. goodnight all.
and remember, it works both ways.

A Few Pictures.

so here's a look at my house. yea, that's right, i live in that room.




here is a picture of the long winters:



not too much else to say, take it easy.

Empty Web Syndrome. (Now You Never Will)

i came home on thursday. it was a beautiful day. like any other, i said hello to jack, who was hanging so peacefully in his web and not bother a thing. once i got inside and was making a sandwich, i noticed someone walking around outside of my door. i walked to my door and looked out. she was spraying something around the house. i didn't think much of it, tho i did expect her to be an exterminator. after enjoying my sandwich, i remembered jack. i ran out to check on his safety but instead found a disturbed web and no jack. he was gone.
it's sad to think that my outdoor roommate was evicted w/ such little notice. i hope he's alive, but i really doubt it.
anyway, here's a picture to remember him by. it is titled, "You Don't Know Jack".

last night was my performance at the Thespian Society thing at Lee Senior. i was well received, or so it seemed. i wasn't as nervous as i thought i'd be. actually, i did go to the bathroom twice w/i 20 minutes.
regardless, it was great. i had fun.

today i'm getting all of the homework done that i can because on sunday sara, lily, and i are driving to asheville to see the long winters. monday will be a rough day, but it will be so worth it. (click the title above to stream their new cd)

monday, sept. 25th:
ben Gibbard is the musical guest on Jay Leno.

so what'd everyone think of the season premier of "The Office"?

Here's Your Sign.

so joe sent me this picture and i thought it was worth putting up.

Kingdom Come.

tonight at youth i led worship. it was interesting. i enjoyed it a lot actually. i felt like i was really apart of something - which hasn't happened too much since i've been here.
then a few of sat around talking about Christianity - it was great telling stories and answering (or trying to answer) questions for each other.
i left being filled w/ excitement for what's to come w/ this youth group. i feel it has potential and it's on it's way.
i've had a hard time leaving my big church back home. but i think that i'm going to get more out of this actually. tho my new church isn't racking in money and building a new building, adding services to hold everyone; it doesn't have a 7 person worship team - even still i feel like i'll get something from it. i am excited to see what happens. i'm anxious for that.
and i'm excited for the small group too. i hope it goes well - i think we'll at least have fun.
so again i'm avoiding homework and must get it done. so i'm off to battle it.

jars of clay has a new CD out called Good Monsters! someone buy it for me!

How They Shine For You.

after realizing that i couldn't sleep so well, i decided to hop on and write down a few loves of the day.
last weekend was sara and my three year anniversary. i can't believe we've been together that long. it's been such a fun ride; lots of twists and turns and jumps and smooth landings. i wouldn't choose anyone else to sit next to in the rickety old cart either.
so as a sort of celebration, we went out to a movie, which was Little Miss Sunshine - it was very good. we both became girly during a few parts. we walked around Southpoint, in durham for awhile, stopping only to watch a guy juggling.
we then headed for schlotzsky's - the best restuarant ever. we came home to play super mario bros. w/ jesse and jennifer. sadly, we never made it past 3-1 for various reasons. our skill was only one; the age of the hardware was another. oh and my attempts to look like i knew a lot about the game was the last one.
and of course we had to break out The Office Season 2. how i love that show. i will turn her.
now i'm listening to the sweet tunes of Coldplay, living my dreams in my head, and wondering what more will come for sara and i. hopefully we'll be as happy as some other people i know. i have no doubts.

i never quite know how to end these. i always want to give some sort of encouragement or cause people to think. since i'm the only one who reads this, does that mean that actually i just want to make myself think? probably.

Pouring Down.

i'm sitting here, listening to the rain hit my car top. i feel like i've had more time to think but nothing to think about. and sometimes it's been the complete opposite-i have so much to think about but i can't.
next saturday, i may get to play guitar at this place brad told me about. his band and a few others are doing an acoustic show and i may get squeezed in. it's very exciting but i'm kinda nervous. i don't feel like my songs are full enough w/o the backing of my boys in WV. but we'll see; if it even works out.
next sunday sara and i are venturing out to ashville, NC to see the long winters. that will be an awesome show, and a long four hour drive.
the rain today has been nice; very relaxing.

Math Is The Enemy.

Written on Sept. 9, 2006

As I sit here alone, in my new apartment I can’t help but feel like something is missing. perhaps it's just the company of another. I wonder what I’d be doing if I were living my old life in Clarksburg. It seems so far away; like something from a story that I can’t help but want to read a little more of.
Adaptation is perhaps one of the most amazing abilities humans have. I’m not sure if I’ve done that yet or I’m only faking.
I’m still just as lazy tho, and I’ve traded work for school. I do need to find a job so that I can buy everything I want, or at least eat.
i remember hearing that frogs will sit in water as it heats up. their body temperature adjusts so they can stand it, but if they stay in it too long it will die.
I have written a song since I’ve been here. I think it may be one of my favorites. Some days the guitar seems to be more of a friend than an instrument. Other days it is my source of frustration.
I am unsure of what I want. Last night I was reminded of the reason I came here. I wonder what the cost is besides 12,000 dollars.

---
Anyway, here it is now, sunday afternoon. i've wasted the entire day starting something called a facebook? yea, it's pretty retarded. i guess anything is better than math homework.
it is a wonderful day. on days like this i am happy. being here is nice.
there's a hint of a small group forming in the air. i'm still trying to decide what to do it on. i think it would be nice to do something and be really involved.
i also need a job.
linear equations...how i hate you.