Back to a 100% World.

yesterday, justin and i went out to take pictures in a light rain. i always like doing that w/ him. there's this feeling of trying to out do each other in a playful way. it's a blast to see what we come out w/, but even if it's nothing it was at least fun. i got a few good ones.

i saw Lady In The Water; i loved it. it was different from all of his movies. and there was no twist at the end to change the entire movie. i think i identified w/ the message of trying to find yourself. i feel stuck in a confusing time. wondering what to do. i felt like i was on the same page as the characters.
i've had this feeling of my guts churning for days. i'm actually growing up but i don't think i entirely want to. i think on the inside i'm still just a kid; not having anything to really care about. i like having a safe home that i'm comfortable in w/ parents i get along w/. it's a rare thing i suppose.
i'm completely scared of being on my own; of being alone.

so i don't have a job anymore. my last day of target was friday. it was a good day; like the job. i will miss that 10%.

i go the long winters new cd. so far i am a bit let down. but we'll see....

I'm Going Down To Sleep On The Bottom Of The Ocean.

today is a day of overwhelming feelings.
i've written some more music. i like it better than the old. i just need a few chords i don't know and words. i have one line but nothing to follow.
why is everything so disappointing right now? i don't think anybody has it good.
i don't think we're going to record, or ever practice again. i'm frustrated.
stop hiding.
i'm ready to say goodbye to a few things and hello to a few.
i wish i could record what i see. i think i'd make some very good music videos. and then i could explain what i think about more things.
i can't believe how heartless some people can be.

it'd be nice to escape right now and sit in a field and breathe and let things roll off. i know i'm not the only one.

Wake Up, Life’s Too Short For You To Stay In Bed.

I’m laying in my bed now…I randomly woke up at about 5:45 and starting in a hot panic to find my glasses. They weren’t in their usual spot so I tried to let it go but it ate at my nerves.
I was hot and sweaty and my stomach hurt. I got up, used the bathroom and went to get a drink. I also looked downstairs for my glasses.
I could tell thru the dense fog outside that a sun was trying to shine thru it. I started singing Keith Green’s “My Eyes Are Dry” and danced around the idea of taking my guitar outside and play some worship songs as the sun rose. I didn’t think I’d be able to see the sun. maybe there’s a metaphor there. I’ll look into it.

So I turned up the air and came up stairs, turned on my lights and found my glasses neatly folded upon my TV stand. One of my parents must have put it there, for I would not have. I smiled, put them on to make sure they still fit and then placed them back down on the stand.
I hopped into bed where I just lay, feeling the change in temperature and loving it; relishing it even.
I realized I was awake, and wouldn’t get back to sleep this morning. More ideas danced in me and I’m glad I settled on this one. A song got in my head, this time by Lost Dogs. They are some old Christian band my dad loves. I’ve always enjoyed the chain of bands they affected (The Choir, Adam Again, The Swirling Eddies). It’s a mix of a bunch of old guys. One of them died a few years ago. I also heard he played w/ Starflyer 59. His Name was Gene Eugene.
Anyway, so I ran down to get that CD so I could listen to it. I also grabbed their greatest hits. I’m now listening to it as a I import it.
I always thought they were a cheesy-to-be-cheesy band, but have realized thru this that they are actually a really good band. I’ve had chills put up my spine as I hear songs that I haven’t heard for years. I haven’t ridden w/ my dad for years. I always loved that actually. Some of his music I despised. A lot of it I’ve come to love. Bill Mallonee was the first of it. then The Choir a bit. Now Lost Dogs.
They have a song called “Breathe Deep (The Breath of God)” and it’s a call for everybody who’s anybody to come and breathe the breath of God (click above for the whole list). It really hit me. Ya know? That we all have this desire in us to find fulfillment. I wish that I knew the Bible more in times like these; there’s a scripture about us knowing that something is there. It’s the touch of God we’re born w/.
Keith Green and his wife searched thru everything: drugs, eastern “religion”, the occult, hippies. Why is it that none of that really satisfies the soul? Only Jesus can really make it whole. I’ve talked w/ Sara for months on and off about the church. My workshop at camp was gonna be about that roughly and how Christians need to come back into the world of media and be artistic and show what God has given us.
I just about used the word “invade” and remembered reading about how Christians always use words dealing w/ battle and taking over the world. I don’t like that. But you will notice it. it is a spiritual war. But I think it makes us come across like fanatics to those we try to reach. Maybe that’s a thought of the moment…
Anyway, and she’s recently told me how she’s spoken at church and at a women’s ministry her mom in a part of.
Friends have talked about it w/ her. There’s just this feeling that the church is letting us down. That it’s letting people down. I think even God to an extent.
I’m tired of just talking about it. People have said things and I’ve felt it a little. I think this move to North Carolina is more than just a move and just going to school and (even tho it’s huge to me) more than being close to Sara. I’ve had these daydreams of leading worship and things coming alive. But are they anything more than daydreams?


Well I think I’m done w/ the writing. It’s almost 7, time to get ready. Today I’m playing w/ the youth band for both services at church. I hope it goes well.
There are many things I’ll miss when I leave. But not as many as you’d think. And I think the majority of it is because of routine and safety of knowing what’s to come.
I think today will be a good day. And why shouldn’t it be? If I want it to be, then by golly, it will be. Won’t you do the same?


Up In The Morning, A New World Is Forming Behind These Tired Eyes
I’m Here And I’m Breathing, Feel My Heart Beating, Lucky To Be Alive

Using Someone Else's Poetry To Express How You Feel.

Written between July 6th and July 9th.

I’m sitting here restless again, knowing that there is so much to do.
I’m figuring things out w/ CCCC, feeling better and better about that decision every second.

I’ve picked up my guitar the last few days; it’s been awhile what w/ being out of the country and at camp. That too feels better.

Big things at work – the Target photo lab is going thru a huge change of software. It’s gonna be crazy. I’ve already had to sit thru two conference calls about it. I do love my job. I’m lucky to have one that I enjoy for the most part. I’m hoping I can transfer to the Target in Apex and stay in the photo lab. We shall see.

i'm feeling a little john cusack, so it's top 5 time.

Top 5 Albums - Ever.

5. Gimme Fiction – Spoon













4. X & Y - Coldplay













3. Pixel Revolt – John Vanderslice













2. Let Go – Nada Surf













1. Transatlanticism – Death Cab For Cutie














i think what constitutes a good CD for me is one that has a current. each song leads into the next and it gets better and better. it's not front loaded, it's an equal load. emotions change for each song; ups and downs.
share your top 5.

albums that would fill in 6-10, (in no order):
Rocky Votolato - Makers
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
The Long Winters - When I Pretend To Fall
Beulah - The Coast Is Never Clear
The Thrills - Let's Bottle Bohemia

Start Right Here.

Wow, I wish i was sitting here.



i wish i could sit still right now and relax. i actually could. but i feel rushed. right now, this minute, i am not rushed. but i know that each moment leads to another moment which leads to a minute, leading to an hour, leading to a day, leading to a week, leading to a month and so on. i know that by wasting this moment now, i am getting behind in my plans that will take place in August.
i found out that UNCG has no more dorms available. i'm looking into a community college now. i could save lots of money and get my feet wet while still being in north carolina. i'd have to get an apartment but that'd be fine w/ me.
i'm still feeling stressed about it. more so now that i'm back to not knowing exactly what i'm doing and that it's so soon. i'm realizing that i'm done at Target in two weeks and then i have to be ready to go. i'm more excited about going now tho. i can't wait actually.

i'm finally back from all of my ventures. Belize and camp are both in the past. both were amazing and both were unforgettable.
i have some pictures from belize up. more will be going up.
the ladderboy videos from camp will be available on the internet soon as well.


i'm currently reading a book about Keith Green. it's so depressing. but i'm hooked.

i wish i had more to say. it seems like i do when i don't have a way to write it down.
i promise that i will return w/ more thoughtful things soon.

I Got Your Number.

actually, i don't.
Diana Rice's phone number is not 276-982-0194. if that's even her name.
just so everybody knows.

my naive trust in people has again let me down. you'd think by now i would just kill them.
another life lesson learned and more faith lost in the number one parasite.

okay, i could be positive and think that maybe something happened to her phone line and she actually will call me. but let's not get our hopes up.
it's more likely that her car will explode - and that would make me smile more.

things that should be done when in an accident:
*make sure everybody is alright.
*trade insurance information - VIN number, license plate number, insurance agent's name and phone number.
*take pictures, if you have a camera.
*also, not a bad idea to contact law inforcement to get the facts straight.

and this has also convinced me to get a cell phone.

Sometimes I Think This Cycle Never Ends.

wow, so much has happened since i've been back. it's all been frustration too.
tuesday i woke up. sara and i planned on going to the mall to get my paycheck and hang out a bit.
well that was foiled once by the need for mowing. i was ready leave when that came up. so after doing that, working up a sweat, and then cleaning up again, we got in the car and drove about 3 feet. it sounded funny, so i parked and looked at my tire.
it was flat.
so i changed that - had a nail in it. fantastic.
then we took off for the mall. that was enjoyable. i bought some CDs and clothes. sara and i enjoyed ourselves.
so today i took sara home. that in and of itself makes a horrible day.
it was kind of rushed because i had to get back to go see David Crowder. so i'm on my way home, listening closely to the new Yeah Yeah Yeahs' CD, when my car jumps and i am startled.
someone rear ended me. and to make it worse - in a tunnel. now the good thing is that it didn't turn into a scene from Daylight. (Oh Sly)
being really shaken up and not sure what to do, i pull into the lane of the tunnel that is closed for some reason. the lady pulled in too, we got out and decided to join up outside of the tunnel.
she seemed really nice; shaken up as well. so we pull over outside and get out.
here is where my lack of knowledge proved to be high.
i really didn't know what i was supposed to do. it was obviously her fault. do i call the police? take pictures? what?
well, i think i should have done more than get her name and phone number - but that's what we did. we agreed on calling our insurance and then each other.
she was still nice, apologizing left and right, and i kept cool, making sure she was okay.
i tried to be sympathetic about her car being worse than mine but in actuality i was glad.

sooo....there's my car trouble in a nut shell. oh, and a bird flew into my windshield when i was still w/ sara. tho that was a bit humorous.

i hope everything goes well w/ her. that she won't turn out to be a horrible person and not come thru. and i hope her phone number is real...

on a better note, David Crowder was amazing. it was good to worship like that. i am now on a mission to learn his songs.
he's definately found something by making worship as fun as it can be while being entertaining and still be worshipping whole heartedly.
and he's funny too.

i feel like a few things have been against me lately. i may have seen somethings that i don't like about myself on the mission trip. and i have definately come away from it not knowing what i want to do. wondering where i really stand w/ God.
it's frustrating, being confused. there's nothing poetic about it, only desperate.
i don't really know what i want. i feel like maybe my dreams are getting in my way. but who really knows my way?

now it is late and i am ready for bed. the final step of falling into the american way again is on it's way - Target. the shivers run up and down me as i type.

Leaving On A Jet Plane.

well, i am now sitting in the Airport of Belize. our flight was delayed so i am on the internet checking mail and such.
the trip was very good; i have done a few journal type things that will be put up here when i'm done w/ them fully.
i'm ready to come home. i'll be glad to be out of the heat.
i am glad that i came. i've seen things that i'd have never seen otherwise.
i think our plane is here so i must go!
i have tons of pictures that will be up later too. goodbye!

Flight Of The Neon Green.

right now i'm sitting in an airport in Houston. that's right, Texas. my butt is sore from the plane ride. i wonder if the stranger next to me noticed my head dropping down and almost snapping off.
the first ride, my first plane ride ever, was very beautiful. we rose as the sun did. it was relaxing.
well, i don't have too many pictures yet. most that i took were blurry or just not good. i am a failure by the way.
but!!! i promise good ones will come.
sara O'brien has run off so i must now venture about to find her.
and i smell chinese food.....

Policeman In Passats.

that little guy is about what i feel like today. jumping off into something. i'll probably be okay, but who really knows? i don't.

today i remember talking to joe about how i love the smell of fresh rain on hot pavement and when it rains lightly on a beautiful day. it was like that earlier. and the rain was cold. it was so cold. today was a good day.
joe and i ran to target, wal-mart, and sam's. i then came home and watched an A&E Biography on The Brady Bunch.
in the meantime i took a lot of pictures. over a hundred. a few of these are up now on flickr. there are more of the strawberries that i think i'll put up.
today was a good day.
i've been listening to Of Montreal. it's this band from the Elephant 6 label (along w/ beulah) that mike gum has introduced me too. they are amazing.
this will be my farewell post while in belize w/ my sara and a few others. pray that it will go well and we will be used for God's will and for safety.
i will return w/ stories and pictures for all of you.

How Long Before I Know What It Feels Like?

i have no idea. i hate the idea of having to tell anyone where i see myself. mostly because i don't realistically see myself anywhere; it's all in my dreams.
i was feeling good about college, i'm unsure about how i feel now.
Coldplay has known my innermost self the last few days. and every other line they've sang has been an even better title for this entry. i hope i haven't settled.

i wrote a song, it's about revenge.

i hope the sky falls on your head
as you walk away
each drop of rain's like the sting
of every bruise you've made

when i needed you most
you said you couldn't stay
you left me stunned
waiting for your embrace

if it all crashed down on you
i wouldn't give my time to save
one whose drowning in an ocean
of all their mistakes

i'm thinking of adding a bridge at the end. i'm unsure. i've felt like a better person after writing music. it is what makes me happy. i would never pick up a camera again for music. maybe someday...

Patriot Tick.

I don't quite know how i feel about pledging alligence to the American flag during church. It's not that i don't think it's right to be patriotic and especially not w/ paying honor to those who have fought for this country and died. a church doesn't seem like the right place to talk about your country, intead we should worship God together; for That is where our true alligence lies. our's, as christians, should lie in the Kingdom of God. governments will crumble, but not that one.

i have written a song. i am happy.

i thought i'd have more to say, i guess i don't.

Monot, Oh Me.

today i realized how tired of monotony i am. i think i could have quit my job. not because i don't like my job, but because it's the same thing. especially after having more than a week of doing nothing that i normally do, falling back into that today was horrible. needless to say, i can't wait to finally give that notice.

i'm so bogged down w/ stuff to do. today i realized that i have like 2 weeks until the mission trip which i have yet to get money for. anyone wanna help? ha. i haven't read anything lately for my workshop for camp. the idea is still running thru my head but not my blood yet.
today i took my current read, The Irresistible Revolution, to work. i'm glad i had time to get into it. i forgot how amazing this guy is. he's made me question so many things. things that i think may change my thinking. and what's sad, is that it's a lot of things that i've made fun of quite vocally in the past.
i mean, this idea of war has...i don't understand it. i think i'm seeing that there may truly be a difference between the God of
the Old Testament and the New Testament. but, i think i may be against war.
the author of this book says how he is opposed to war and how God says to love your neighbor (being the 2nd commandment to Love the Lord Your God w/ all Your Heart). and i always thought this meant the kid who picked on you during school or the guy who cut you off in traffic. not the man who blew up your home or attacked your country and killed thousands or shot everybody at your school.
as i read this book i seem to be hearing more that the Old Testament way is no longer the way God works. Jesus spoke Love. i mean, think about it. God would take 200 people and destroy an army of 100,000. wars aren't like that anymore. i don't think God is behind any war. the wars back then you knew it was God - i mean, look at those odds!!! come on.
vengeance is mine says the Lord. "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."No, "if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads."Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." - Romans 12: 19-21 / Deuteronomy 32:35.

i suggest that everybody read this book who is tired of sitting around in their Christian life.

so i'm still making up my mind of some things...sometimes we mess up and fights are inevitable.
there is a lot of jumble in my head.
but i love this book-i'm compelled to love and live like Christ.

~POST SCRIPT~

so, after talking w/ the drabni's i have been confused more but i think i disagree a little more w/ him. war has been used in good cases since the New Testament. think of the Halocaust. so....i do not think that the war in iraq is wrong but i won't say that it's right. i do not know the main points behind it - i mean the true objectives. but war has been used for good. Sadaam wasn't a good man. i think he means more that war is only wrong if it is for power and that alone.
we've had a goodnight discussing this book and his views and thinking things thru. it's fun doing this.
i still completely recommend this book.

Listening To:

One Million Stops For Photo Ops. / The Voyage Is Over.

original concept written May 19th 2006:
There are always times when you'll have to give up a photo opportunity. there have been many on this trip. on the way back to Indiana, we passed a billboard along the road that was empty of an ad. it had been stripped of paint and a tree had burst thru one section of it. i loved it, but it was gone before i the idea even came into my head to get my camera.
and that is only one. everything from a graveyard w/ beautiful trees and headstones decorated w/ flowers all thru-out right after a hail storm; the sky later that day w/ wisps of clouds thru wisps of clouds; a pot of flowers on my aunt's porch, old barns - indiana is the home of old barns. it's their florida. i wanted to see an indiana sunset from an open field but it never happened because of the rain clouds shielding everything from view. ther was this giant bowling pin along the road about 20 minutes ago. my camera couldn't focus in time, therefore it was missed. the giant dinosaur that my sister has told me of in kentucky.
i may have missed out on great shots that would have swept across flickr w/ great power and majesty. ah! we just passed by 4 silos; too far away and no clear shot. blast. so like i was saying, there are many photo opportunities that i've missed out on. the biggest one to date, tho, is definately my cousin's kids wrestling around on the floor. dress clothes do not matter.
they've made this trip better. it's always a little awkward being in indiana. we're not up here much, maybe once a year. i know they don't really know me. i don't really know them. at least w/ this trip we all had something in common to bring us together. it was an enjoyable trip, aside from the reason.
i wish i could have gotten a picture of all of those kids running around, diving into each other while playing tag. they were adorable.
i did NOT love having to hug people i've never met and pretend that i wanted to tell them all about myself. you know something is old when you've scripted it out.
end.

i am home now. that feels good, a little. the drive home wasn't bad; it went faster than expected. i do have pictures, but they won't be up for a few days. i need to go thru them and there are things more important. like registering for classes.
Nashville was awesome. we didn't really do much sightseeing. i did see lots of things that would be great pictures. but i couldn't just stop and do that. we were very busy w/ moving alison in. we had some very fine eats tho. mmm.

i believe that to be all, so i will now go off and relax. i have not slept like a man should since last week sometime. i can now put away my luggage and unpack my toilettries.
keep your eyes open.


Current Listens:
Rocky Votolato - Makers
Neko Case - Hold On, Hold On
The Long Winters - Pushover

Sweeter By Far.

i sit now, in the dark, in our hotel room. i'm uploading some new pictures, which i have lots of.
feel free to check them out.
here are a few to lure you on...



and there are many more than those. take a look.

it's now late, and it's time for me to hit the hay. i'm running on little sleep and even less will.
if only this rain would stop...

Indiana Wants Me. (Tennessee, Get In Line.)

so we must make a unexpected trip back out to indiana. my mom's mother died today. it's not as bad as you may expect. she was doing badly so it's for the best. i'm sure it will hit all of us harder once we get out there.
so after making the drive, again, this wednesday, we'll stay there til friday morning then truck to TN.
i am excited to go there. and it's actually faster from Indiana, so double the fun.
i doubt i'll have any new pictures up for awhile due to the unknown internet access.
i do have some waiting to be put up tho.
alright now. i suggest you all relax for the week. i wish i could.

Pomp & Circumstance.

Here are some pictures from yesterday:





gotta go!

Along For The Ride.

Car rides are always inspirational and insightful times for me. Right now I’m riding in the back seat of my family’s minivan on our way to my sister’s college graduation in Indiana.
This isn’t a trip that I can say I’m excited to be a part of. Actually, last night I was quite the pouter. Sara can vouch for that.
So as I sit here listening to music that I love thru headphones that buzz, I feel compelled to write.
When the journey started, I watched the last episode of Scrubs from Season 3. Then I began reading a magazine, the newest Relevant. Dad and I got talking about topics that would bore most.
One, the one that we were on the longest, being the whole issue w/ the word “Religion” and whether or not it should still be used. Here is its definition:
1.The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, Esp. a personal God or gods.
2.Details of belief as taught or discussed
3.A particular system of faith and worship
4.A pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance

it seems so cliché right now to harp on the term “religion” being out of the description of Christianity. Well, Christianity is a #3. It’s a #1. Um…actually it’s all of those. Organized religion is not so bad. I must confess, I started to jump on the bandwagon when this fade rode in, mostly because I didn’t understand. I decided to just not have anything to do w/ it in the end. But now I’m seeing that there is a reason to speak because this is a very unintelligent point of view.
The ideal that Jesus spoke of requires community. It calls us to be there for each other. Organization must be there. We have a book that explains the ups and downs of our religion, a textbook if you will.
My dad said something very true: Making Christianity no longer a religion is like saying that you are against school but for learning. You’re saying that the fact that it’s organized is bad. You’d rather have personal, private learning? How can Christianity work if it’s private? It doesn’t. I think American culture shows us that.
The definition of the adjective, “organized”:
1.arranged in a systematic way, esp. on a large scale
2.having one’s affairs in order so as to deal with them efficiently

I will say that organization can go too far in a structure such as the church. (Realize that “the church” is not the building, but the group of people who follow Jesus.) God must have room to wiggle. If he can’t lead us anywhere, due to our schedules, then we are too organized. And organized is much better than unorganized, right?

On the other hand I think I do understand what everyone is trying to get across w/ this change of vocabulary.
We need to stop treating our religion as just a pin that we wear on our jacket and show proudly, or not so proudly. It shouldn’t be something that we are only involved in because it’s the current trend or our parents make us.
Christianity is something that we are to spread. The Great Commission (Matthew 28:18-20):
and Jesus came and spoke to them saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth.
Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

Christianity is not something to be lived in private. It’s not a “closet” aspect of life.
Daniel 6:10:
Now when Daniel knew that the document was signed, he entered his house (now in his roof chamber he had windows open toward Jerusalem); and he continued kneeling on his knees three times a day, praying and giving thanks before his God, as he had been doing previously.

Daniel knew he would be punished for this he still did it in a way that people knew.
If we really are Christians, then our religious beliefs should be seen in every aspect of our life; recreational and professional.
But The secular world couldn’t care less about our religious jumble. If all we do is scream our religious agenda from street corners, they will continue to close their ears. Christ must be made relevant to today’s culture. And I think if we live life like Jesus instructs us, then that will change.

Until we live all of the things we’ve heard forever, the people we are supposed to be trying to reach will be unreachable. They must see us as different from everyone else. If they can see that something makes me different, I can show them Him.


Continuing The Trip:
We’re back on the road. We stopped at a bookstore; we’ve now hit two and are on our way to the third. My dad has an addiction of books equivalent to my CD addiction.
I took a few pictures. I felt artsy while inside. I wish I had more of a passion for reading.

5 CDs I feel that I must buy:
1. Neko Case – Fox Confessor Brings The Flood
2. The Flaming Lips – Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots or At War With the Mystics (whichever more people tell me to buy)
3. Ben Harper – Both Sides of The Gun
4. Matisyahu – Youth
5. Yeah yeah yeahs – Show Your Bones

5 Bands I feel I must hear more of:
1.Starlight mints
2.the like
3.the class of 98
4.Joshua radin
5.youth group

Sidetrack:
Today before we left, I decided to water my plants. When I watered my rubber plant, I found out where all of those ants were coming from. Yea, I guess they nested inside the soil. So they flooded out like crazy. It was kind of gross. I killed lots of ants needless to say.

Trippin':
we stopped at a third and final bookstore. i looked thru the used CDs. i found many that i'd have loved to get my hands on, but settled for 3:
1.Harvey Danger - Where Have All The Merrymakers Gone?
2.Liam Lynch - Fake Songs
3.They Might Be Giants - Lincoln

i'm happy w/ my selection, and also w/ again feeling artsy as i rummaged thru the CDs.


Scrubs is one of those thought provoking shows for me. I’m always comparing things in it to my own life or past experiences. I realized, I think, what’s been bothering me a little is that I have cold feet.
I have to make sure that moving to NC is the best thing for me. i don't want to get burned by all of this. but not taking chances does me no good.
today on the ride here, and even now as i lay in this bed, looking over the day and the 8 hour span that this journal of my day was written in , i know that it's time. i'm ready to be on my own more.
i know that nothing will change Sara and me unless we let something do that. i am happy. maybe my cold feet are warming up, i do believe the feeling is coming back - and the tingling is so refreshing.

today has been a good day.
i love my sister, i'd even say i admire her. she's more of a friend than a sister anymore.
I don't think this trip will be so bad afterall...even if i do get lost in my thoughts along the way.

Flickr 500.

so two of my pictures have made it into the top 500 of flickr. click the title to see the page. that's right.
these are the two:



i'm not quite sure how official this is, but...but i like it alot. i feel successful. wee.

here are some i've taken recently that i love:




justin and i went out to take some pictures today. it was loads of fun, we kind of got yelled at. and i didn't get that many great ones. but i'm still picking thru them, then i'll get 'em up.

i'll end w/ a picture of fluke practicing and me looking frightened:

We're All Just Part of Some Giant Grande Machine.

today i thought alot. when you sit alone in the back corner of a store, you tend to do so. i must say it has been enjoyable at times while at others, quite...the opposite.
the last few months i've used my time to read. i've read a lot. lately it's been for the workshop i'm leading at camp this summer. i've been challenged more lately than i have my entire life. i've been reading books about Christianity, ones that show me what it really is. that, it's so much more than what i've always thought. it's not a service on sunday and wednesday night, a few songs, and some big book.
it's about love. it's about being a family.
this book i'm reading now is called "The Irresistible Revolution". it's by this guy named Shane Claiborne.
my views of...so many things have been shaken because of this guy. it's not a bad thing. i'm kind of glad. what i thought about this war has changed. it's crazy really. i suggest it as a read, completely. i've disagreed and completely agreed. i've been brought to tears. it's something i want but it's radical.

i've lost my thoughts. old things have come back. it's refreshing to say the least. i think i hold onto things even when i'm perfectly fine w/ them having come to an end. i wonder sometimes if it's not normal. i like memories. i wish i hadn't thrown them all out.

i picked up my guitar earlier today and felt alive. i think i had thought at one point that photography would take my dream's place. but the way i felt when i played guitar today doesn't happen when i take a picture. that's only a hobby, something i'm good at. music is what drives me and i'm tired of playing air guitar in the shower.
ah, it's been a day. not a bad one at that.
enjoy yours.

So Much To Do, Plenty Of Time. (It's Motivation That's Lacking.)

ah, so my addiction of late in flickr. i've found the enjoyment and feeling of acceptance and approval from everyone else there by posting my pictures in groups. it's my heroine. i have put a bunch of new ones up lately, so you should meander on down and take a look, see?
my plate is full of stuff yet i spend my time sucked into that before mentioned endeavor.
last night fluke practiced. we're making sure we've got it all together before we record, which will be before June we believe. it is sad that it marks the end of us, but it's worth it all to have a recording of our songs. it still feels right playing w/ those guys but i can also feel that it's coming to a close.
i have so much video footage to edit. i have about 80 gigs worth of it. concert footage and a skit for youth. it needs to get done so i have room for camp things.
and speaking of camp things, my workshop details are due saturday. i'm still reading my books so, i don't have it yet.
i am enjoying getting this workshop together, i feel like it will be a good one. i've learned a lot from reading for it; i hope we can all do it tho.

i'm off! i do nothing that i've said i need to.

school will kill me.

Migrate Somewhere Else vs. I Sure Do Love Mexican Food. (My Take On Immigration)

w/ everything to do w/ immigration being everywhere, i think i'll give my opinion on it. it's not as harsh as my title probably makes you think, but i suppose it is harsh.
i'm not going to spew facts, statistics, opinion polls, percentages, pie charts showing the good and bad - only what i think based on what's in my head.
i have no problem w/ legal immigration. america has always been a place where people have come to escape something horrible or to gain opportunity. i think legal immigration is great. (as alex linger just pointed out, i am here because of legal immigration)
the word illegal says it all. murder is illegal. if someone murders, is tried, and found guily, they are punished. so why should it be okay for someone to do something "illegal" and get away w/ it?
i'm not going to sit and say that they haven't helped out america. they do take jobs we don't want. but i do think people would take them. if there is a need, it will get done. but regardless, it's our responsibility since it's in our country. if it doesn't happen or does it's up to americans.

i do think, because it's such a big deal right now, they should just say "okay, if you've been here for more than [some amount of time] come, get your papers, you're legal". and if they don't come by a certain time, that offer is void, they are illegal and if found, they are sent back where ever they came from.
i think border security should be heightened, it should be impossible to sneak into America. i mean we're so worried about terrorists yet we have who knows how many people sneaking across (not me because i don't know statistics) but i'm not saying we should shoot them.

i am saying, there is a legal way to get here, so do it the legal way. so why don't they do it the legal way? i don't know. but i think that it should be easy, while secure, enough for people to get in legally and not force them to be homeless once here.
we shouldn't reward the illegal people - who aren't paying taxes - to take advantage of us and cause our taxes, my taxes, your taxes to increase. it's not fair to you or me. i also think providing water stations in the desert for these illegal people is retarded. why should we aid them in breaking the law? that's like giving a thief your car key.
there are organizations that bring people over for a certain amount of time, to earn money and go back to their country. Target uses this for their janitorial staff. they can then go back home earn more money and then pay to become legal.

Conclusion:
people should allowed in this country. but it's unfair to you and me to allow the ones who are illegal to stay and suck up what isn't theirs and drain me of that very same thing.
just because you stole the car, doesn't mean you can keep it.

Disclaimer:
this is my view, you can tell me yours but let's not start a war.

(for sara.)

This Is For Logan.

i thought i'd post this because it's amazing. and i know how much logan will love it. (click the title.)
the third season of scrubs comes out May 9th.

in the news is the news of Fluke recording. very soon...we will be recording an EP to end all EPs.
my neck's been killing me, it's getting better. a chiropractor at church showed me some stretches for it.
now i go back to playing w/ justin.

Amusement Park Princesses Aren't Pretty.

so i'm twenty today. i don't like that i'm getting older.
i have no idea what i want to say.
my days have consisted entirely of Zelda since i've gotten home.

but i've realized:
that my days of home cooked meals are numbered.
that i'm saying goodbye.
that i'm closing doors.
i'm opening doors.
i'm committing.
i'm taking a step.
it will all get harder.
i don't have to close doors.
i'm losing things.
i'm gaining things.
i'm ready for this.
i have ambitions.
i'm too lazy to get them done.
i don't want to work for things, but i have to.
i can't wait to quit target.


we all have people that we look up to. they inspire us. they give us awe.
where do they get that power? is it that they are real? that they have good days along w/ bad ones. they have dreams, even some they've lain aside for you. they're worn out, torn between decisions, not making rent. they like to think. they're just as lame as you.

is that what makes them beautiful?

The Youth and Beauty Brigade.

Here is a picture catalog of my time here in the NC, or at least a few:

The creepy factory that we visited:

Dying max's hair blue:


What his hair looks like afterwards:

This is a few of us walking to Jordan Lake, from Chelsy's (logan, lily, chelsy's back):

Our friend Travis, the dead catfish:

This is Logan, w/ his big club stick.

Here's what he did w/ it.


a few random shots of carey, lily, and my sara:





needless to say, we've had fun. today we went to see a movie and then sara and i gallivanted about in search of a gift for kathy, sara's mom (whom i share my birthdate with). then we headed back towards home, passing onto Siler City where more dead fish floated into our scene. so now we're home, playing w/ our finger puppets and enjoying our last night together...

College Material.

so i guess a lot of things have kind of happened since i last posted.
my sister was in for the weekend. her and i had a good time. we went to my Grandma's on Easter Sunday. it was a pretty day mingled in w/ all of the rainy ones. i do love rain tho. i took a lot of pictures there; once i get a chance i'll put some up.
my interview w/ Sylvia went very well. after she found out i wasn't in prison for the two years i took off, she let me know that i was accepted. all i have to do is get a paper from FSU and apply for my classes and housing.
it is so weird to think that, unless something completely unexpected comes up, i will be living here next year. i'm still kind of in shock i think. i'm excited. it will be such a change tho. i'm ready for something new.
leaving will be rough; saying goodbye to some people. leaving opportunities. but i think more will come out of this than me staying around Clarksburg. and most of all sara and i can finally be together like a real couple. that's very important.
crazy.
so during my interview, she was telling me about the clubs and how i should get involved in them. she then showed me some and explained a few. the first one was for Gays and Lesbians. i thought that was odd. i hope she didn't think i was gay...or a lesbian...
last night brian, adam, alli, sara, and i went to some old creepy factory. i have pictures of that too. i'll put them up later.
later on creeps.

...Our Vineyards In Bloom.

big, big news. my interview w/ UNCG is scheduled for next tuesday. i'm excited yet very nervous at the same time. i'd like to think that sylvia will be this really interesting and very cool and collected lady who will be interested in me and not just about me loving the idea of school. that i'll get to talk to her and that my honest answers will not cause her to send me away.
at work i, did what i do so often, which was set up a senerio where that was just the case. i don't feel like writing that all out. it was one of my monologues where i tell it like it is. i do that a lot in my head. it's when i want to say so much but i don't want to be real or hurt feelings or be looked at cross-eyed.
needless to say, i've thought about every way this may go.
i'm having the hardest time getting my workshop straightened out.
so Fluke is looking at recording in the near future. kind of a "before it's too late" thing.




now i give joe the elaborate background of they Might Be Giants. see ya next week.

Please Tell Us Why You Had To Hide Away For So Long.

this picture has been lying around in the youth room for months. i love it. i don't know if you can see, but they are smiling. i find it endearing. i hope i'm like that in my old days.

i went out and took pictures yesterday. it was so beautiful, i couldn't deny myself the fresh air, the wonderful clouds, and new vibrant colors. i headed out into the brisk spring air (tho it is summer) w/ my iPod set on Matt Costa. he's amazing. go buy his CD "Songs We Sing". that's all i'll say about that.
so i walked around; passing old people, children, and dogs. it was a very enjoyable day.
i have pictures up on my Flickr that i took. here are a few of my favorites:








*while looking around for lyrics for "The New Pornographers songs, i found that their female member has a solo album out. and her name is Neko Case. this struck me as odd because i just bought a song by such an artist. after searching my addictioin, wikipedia, i found that she in fact is the girl from TNP. and upon further research, i found that she was an early drummer for the 90's NY indie rock band, Cub. yes, that's right: the same Cub that wrote the song "new york city" that was later covered by They Might be Giants. amazing.
of course everyone knows that ben gibbard (death cab) and jenny lewis (rilo kiley) are in the postal service along w/ a guy from Dntel. Spoon and Vanderslice help each other. Vanderslice and beulah did so. along w/ Death cab and vanderslice. and Death cab and Nada Surf, and Death cab and the Long Winters. and Sean Nelson previously of The Long Winters is the lead singer of Harvey Danger. not to mention the Shins covering the postal service. i love how my bands help each other.

Waiting For Tubes To Heat Up.

sleep is a rare commodity in the world of me as of late. mostly due to my own choices and my work schedule.
it's been sometime, i know. not very many revelations in the past week. so i'll just let you in on some things.
i have applied at UNCG and i'm awaiting their response (which i hope is an invitation). i've been thinking up skit ideas for camp; adam and i have made some incredible storiese up. i'm very excited for that. and i've been forming my concert footage into videos for the public lately. it's very enjoyable.
i haven't really even taken too many pictures lately. it's been so dreary lately. everytime it's nice i have to work. i miss doing that.
i have this overwhelming feeling of being lost and even stuck some. i'm waiting and relying so much on getting into UNCG. i want so badly to make something of myself but i really do not want to have to work. very american, i know. i wish playing guitar and writing lyrics would come more easily to me. i get so frustrated w/ learning; i can't seem to do it fast enough. i don't feel like i'm growing all that much.
but i'm so ready for a change. i want to be near sara more than anything. i just want a new "everyday life". i'm very afraid of that very fact too.
i hope this works out for me.