A Trip Down Some Lane.

i've sat and tried to write a post a few times this week. everytime i do, i get bored and blocked and cannot.
it's been a week of driving, oh has it. i'm settled for a day now, then it's eight more hours.
what has this set of car trips taught me? hmmm. i've seen that music is more to me than most people. it seems that way.
actually, i feel the same about movies. i've just realized that. see, the music thing has been floating for a few days now.
i feel like i take something away from it no matter what it is. that's not true. i refuse to be handed anything by rap.
today's been pretty rough. i've been on edge w/ a lot of things. i've felt very belittled. i'm a pushover of sorts.
i like watching things pass by.

i don't feel like typing now. there comes my apathy. or maybe it's indecision in masses. i'm so indecisive that i quit.

i'll leave you w/ this tid-bit:
order the shin's new EP by clicking the title!

The Irony's Laying Thick.

so right now, i'm sitting in a dark church parking lot using internet that i'm not paying for. i don't even know where it's coming from. it's 11:41 and i've been sitting here talking to good ol' joe barnosky, listening to a.c. newman & rocky votolato, and catching up on my emailing.

i dropped my math class; you have no idea how good that feels.
it's quite ironic that once i'm about to leave sanford, i start to feel myself settling in. i'm seeing this people that i spend time w/ as friends. they're not my best friends. we have a lot of differences, but they like me and i like them. they are sincere.

i think i see that clarksburg is my photography muse and sanford is my music muse. i haven't taken any pictures since i've been here (in contrast to what i take back home); the opposite is true w/ my songwriting. i don't find this area to be visually appealing i suppose. and all of my alone time has caused my to mind wander.

lately i've been addicted to a nintendo game titled "Pikmin". it's sad, and childish...i love it. you play a spaceman that's crashlanded on this planet and you have to use these creatures you find, called pikmin, to do stuff. there are different colors and the different colors do different things. when they die, it is sad.

i read an old interview/review of Starflyer 59 and their 2003 release, Old. it was enjoyable, i will leave you link in case you care to endulge yourself.

it's getting colder and the moon is higher. i believe it's time for me to roll on out and head back to my one room everything.

Who Needs Fire?

How I crave a warm fire to crawl up next to and lay like a snake. Instead, my space heater and a cup of hot tea will have to do. Sure it’s 1:30 in the AM, but I do get an extra hour tonight. So I will waste it away as if it didn’t even exist.
I write now, listening to jenny Lewis, feelings I’ve been trying to scribe out for weeks now. I’ve actually had this yearning to write, but haven’t been able to sit and spill. I have an idea for a story I want to write. It’s kind of my life right now; w/ some exaggerated details and predictions that probably won’t happen. It’d be nice if I could channel that writing creativity into my paper that’s due Monday. Oh well. Stress is the best motivator.

So much seems to be happening. I feel like I really know what I want to do; of course it requires me to leave Sara and return north. Middle Tennessee State University has a program in Music Production. Sadly, only four classes from CCCC (my current school) transfer to MTSU. So, I’m going home for a semester to take classes @ Fairmont that will transfer down. And pray to God that I’ll get into MTSU.
For once what I want doesn’t seem so far fetched. I’ve wondered if dreams ever do damage to life ever since I heard nada surf’s “in the mirror”. Pipe dreams are wonderful, but if that’s all you have going for you then maybe it’s time to put down the pipe. It’s like someone saw me putting down the pipe and said, “What are you doing? That’s crazy – don’t stop dreaming.”
Dreams are what we’re made of. Sara always has these crazy dreams that never make sense. I like hearing her dreams. Especially when they’re about me.

It’s sad to think that there are people who don’t have dreams of their own. That there are people who aren’t happy, and have no clue of what would make them happy.
I like knowing, or at least thinking that I know, what that is.

I feel like making a mix CD, so I believe I leave to do so. I do owe a few people some anyway.
The combination of Jenny Lewis, a space heater, and a cup of lady Grey Tea is a very soothing one.

I’ve changed my mind; never put down your pipe. Smoke it long and hard, until you’re dead…or living.

Gone. Forgotten?

I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
-Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey)

i watched "american beauty" the other day. now i can't remember why it motivated me so much. that motivation didn't last long, whatever it was.

i have new pictures up!

College Funds.

these roads are so familiar, but it seems like it has been years since i've been here. things have changed, but the people remain. as i walked into the church during middle school youth group, i looked around to faces that i missed. it was a warm welcome and i loved every minute of it.
everyone commented on my pseudo-beard; i said i was shaving it and they cried, "NO."
i still think i will.
it feels so good to be home. my parents and i talked early into the morning about all kinds of stuff. i've missed them quite a bit.
my mom rearranged my room.
some guy passed me on the way home, and screamed "asshole" at me; i caught up to him but didn't know what to do. so i did nothing.
it's freezing in West virginia. i'd kill to be a polar bear; except then i'd be in the tundra. that's colder than west virginia. so would it really be worth it?
this week i look for a new college and read and play lots and lots of poker.

Dwindling Flame.

when will things change?
i've applied at 4 different places, and none feel like hiring me.
i've put homework off every time i've had it. i've told myself that i wouldn't do that anymore after each time. i'm doing that right now actually.
i'm still lazy, which i also told myself i would do no more.
i have written a few more songs. that's about the only thing i've done to make me feel valuable.
i have thought more about what i want to do. i've come up w/ some ideas but they are hard. i think they'd be worth it tho.

my english class really is good. the few people i've hung out w/ outside of classes are in that class. we talk a lot about current events and relate them to writing. it makes me think.

i am enjoying this. it seems all of my posts lately have been downers. it's just that i'm seeing how unsure of everything i am. but i'm seeing other things. i've grown since i've been here. i've been forced to wash dishes and clean and cook. being responsible for yourself is really something. it's not all cake either.
my biggest upset is being alone so much. and i don't really feel that i have people close by who can take that feeling away.
it's hard to explain.
i've seen what i really enjoyed, what i should have treasured. hearing about things back home is fun but it makes me miss it too.
i'm full of contridictions. i've always had the problem of seeing both sides and trying to even it out. then it all hits in the middle and a blah comes out.

okay, it's time to turn off the mewithoutyou, drive away from my secret location, and go study for biology. goodnight all.
and remember, it works both ways.

A Few Pictures.

so here's a look at my house. yea, that's right, i live in that room.




here is a picture of the long winters:



not too much else to say, take it easy.

Empty Web Syndrome. (Now You Never Will)

i came home on thursday. it was a beautiful day. like any other, i said hello to jack, who was hanging so peacefully in his web and not bother a thing. once i got inside and was making a sandwich, i noticed someone walking around outside of my door. i walked to my door and looked out. she was spraying something around the house. i didn't think much of it, tho i did expect her to be an exterminator. after enjoying my sandwich, i remembered jack. i ran out to check on his safety but instead found a disturbed web and no jack. he was gone.
it's sad to think that my outdoor roommate was evicted w/ such little notice. i hope he's alive, but i really doubt it.
anyway, here's a picture to remember him by. it is titled, "You Don't Know Jack".

last night was my performance at the Thespian Society thing at Lee Senior. i was well received, or so it seemed. i wasn't as nervous as i thought i'd be. actually, i did go to the bathroom twice w/i 20 minutes.
regardless, it was great. i had fun.

today i'm getting all of the homework done that i can because on sunday sara, lily, and i are driving to asheville to see the long winters. monday will be a rough day, but it will be so worth it. (click the title above to stream their new cd)

monday, sept. 25th:
ben Gibbard is the musical guest on Jay Leno.

so what'd everyone think of the season premier of "The Office"?

Here's Your Sign.

so joe sent me this picture and i thought it was worth putting up.

Kingdom Come.

tonight at youth i led worship. it was interesting. i enjoyed it a lot actually. i felt like i was really apart of something - which hasn't happened too much since i've been here.
then a few of sat around talking about Christianity - it was great telling stories and answering (or trying to answer) questions for each other.
i left being filled w/ excitement for what's to come w/ this youth group. i feel it has potential and it's on it's way.
i've had a hard time leaving my big church back home. but i think that i'm going to get more out of this actually. tho my new church isn't racking in money and building a new building, adding services to hold everyone; it doesn't have a 7 person worship team - even still i feel like i'll get something from it. i am excited to see what happens. i'm anxious for that.
and i'm excited for the small group too. i hope it goes well - i think we'll at least have fun.
so again i'm avoiding homework and must get it done. so i'm off to battle it.

jars of clay has a new CD out called Good Monsters! someone buy it for me!

How They Shine For You.

after realizing that i couldn't sleep so well, i decided to hop on and write down a few loves of the day.
last weekend was sara and my three year anniversary. i can't believe we've been together that long. it's been such a fun ride; lots of twists and turns and jumps and smooth landings. i wouldn't choose anyone else to sit next to in the rickety old cart either.
so as a sort of celebration, we went out to a movie, which was Little Miss Sunshine - it was very good. we both became girly during a few parts. we walked around Southpoint, in durham for awhile, stopping only to watch a guy juggling.
we then headed for schlotzsky's - the best restuarant ever. we came home to play super mario bros. w/ jesse and jennifer. sadly, we never made it past 3-1 for various reasons. our skill was only one; the age of the hardware was another. oh and my attempts to look like i knew a lot about the game was the last one.
and of course we had to break out The Office Season 2. how i love that show. i will turn her.
now i'm listening to the sweet tunes of Coldplay, living my dreams in my head, and wondering what more will come for sara and i. hopefully we'll be as happy as some other people i know. i have no doubts.

i never quite know how to end these. i always want to give some sort of encouragement or cause people to think. since i'm the only one who reads this, does that mean that actually i just want to make myself think? probably.

Pouring Down.

i'm sitting here, listening to the rain hit my car top. i feel like i've had more time to think but nothing to think about. and sometimes it's been the complete opposite-i have so much to think about but i can't.
next saturday, i may get to play guitar at this place brad told me about. his band and a few others are doing an acoustic show and i may get squeezed in. it's very exciting but i'm kinda nervous. i don't feel like my songs are full enough w/o the backing of my boys in WV. but we'll see; if it even works out.
next sunday sara and i are venturing out to ashville, NC to see the long winters. that will be an awesome show, and a long four hour drive.
the rain today has been nice; very relaxing.

Math Is The Enemy.

Written on Sept. 9, 2006

As I sit here alone, in my new apartment I can’t help but feel like something is missing. perhaps it's just the company of another. I wonder what I’d be doing if I were living my old life in Clarksburg. It seems so far away; like something from a story that I can’t help but want to read a little more of.
Adaptation is perhaps one of the most amazing abilities humans have. I’m not sure if I’ve done that yet or I’m only faking.
I’m still just as lazy tho, and I’ve traded work for school. I do need to find a job so that I can buy everything I want, or at least eat.
i remember hearing that frogs will sit in water as it heats up. their body temperature adjusts so they can stand it, but if they stay in it too long it will die.
I have written a song since I’ve been here. I think it may be one of my favorites. Some days the guitar seems to be more of a friend than an instrument. Other days it is my source of frustration.
I am unsure of what I want. Last night I was reminded of the reason I came here. I wonder what the cost is besides 12,000 dollars.

---
Anyway, here it is now, sunday afternoon. i've wasted the entire day starting something called a facebook? yea, it's pretty retarded. i guess anything is better than math homework.
it is a wonderful day. on days like this i am happy. being here is nice.
there's a hint of a small group forming in the air. i'm still trying to decide what to do it on. i think it would be nice to do something and be really involved.
i also need a job.
linear equations...how i hate you.

The Sound Of Settling.

i suppose i haven't really given a good entry since i've moved. nothing besides little updates. my feelings are starting to turn for the better, my apartment is feeling more like home, and i am fitting in a bit more.
classes are enjoyable, for the most part. i definately will love my english class. there is a girl that kind of reminds me of Pam from the office. so, i do have a little crush on her.
then there's brad and krystal. these two starting talking to me on about the 3rd day. i really don't know what to say except that they are crazy. i was unsure of their motives at first, but now see them to be for good. i went out to eat w/ them at a mexican restuarant, which are numerous as the stars down here, and found that we have a lot in common. so that's great and i think that they will be good friends.
needless to say, being closer to sara has really helped me. the loneliness that's set in has been pretty deep at times tho. it's not like i see her every second of every day. when we're not together, things do get to be quite boring and lonely. i have been playing guitar the last few days and have had good worship times. i think i will continue doing that.
i've gotten to be w/ her family more as well, and that, as always, is a treat.
i am blessed to have the people here that i do, and that will really help me w/ this. but i really do miss my handful of friends back in WV and my parents a lot.
living on your own is a trip. buying groceries and doing laundry...tough work. fixing food, all of that.
i still don't have a job; hopefully that will change this week. there's a movie theater that opened not too long ago so i think i'll try there. it's about 10 minutes from me, if that.
i've taken pictures some. here's one of the spider, jack, that lives outside my door. we don't talk much, he seems very moody.


other things that happened:
i think i almost died for stealing internet. a truck followed me til the end of the road as i left from sitting in my car outside his house.
i dropped my laptop and broke the top of it. it now sits crooked, but i hope i can fix it the mac store in durham.
uh...i...think that's it really.
so i'm gonna go. it's late and i still have to drive home from sara's, where i am now. i'm holding off on homework, i can tell this will be tough and full of procrastination.
i feel more insightful entries coming...i can sense my creative side flourishing.

My Apartment.

I've been living on my own since....sunday night. a very different life.
well, maybe not that much. i still wear the same clothes, listen to the same music, drive the same car...only now i do different things each day.
my apartment is definately coming together. it was a bit dirty, but i've fixed that.
my classes are going pretty well. i love my english class. the professor is awesome.
i'll put up some pictures of my apartment once i get it looking better.
gooooodbye.

Carolina Waits For Me.

in the morning i set out on a great adventure.
it will be sad for some and happy for others.
i'm still a bit mixed.
my car is loaded waiting for me to take the wheel.
tonight i sleep to gain the courage and strength.
i've been kinda numb, i feel, to this whole thing. trying to stay unemotional. tomorrow it'll all hit.
welp, here we go.

It Still Wouldn't Sink.

i'm wasting my time, when i should be packing. instead i'm doing everything to keep from doing that. something about packing is just so...unattractive.
last night was another late one w/ recording. we finished up a few more songs. i'm very pleased w/ them.
we did another one of mine. i think i may have done what i've always wanted to, which was to write a song that made your insides float. between my monotonous guitar riff and joe's infectious piano i think we've created a masterpiece. the drums aren't in it yet but i definately see how they'll help.
it's very exciting. more to come.
tonight is the luau for my youth, and also my final appearance at a Horizons event. it may be tough.
alright...i have to pack.

Up All Night.

oh my goodness. so it's now about 4:30am; adam, joe, and myself just finished up recording some songs.
be okay, tazisto, disney day, & on your head are all complete. the last one is a new one that i wrote not too long ago. it was very nice.
tomorrow evening, hopefully, we'll have another late night to finish everything up. we just need: what i want & everybody wants to rule the world. we may do a few others, we'll see.
so now i'm off to bed because i am one tuckered out boy.

Stop > Rewind > Play.

---Written August 11th---

It seems like I have had the time to really sit and think for a long time. I have so many feelings hitting me hard at once and it’s quite unbearable. Feelings that I thought I’d be over are here again. Ones I hadn’t felt before are here. New worries and new “what if’s”.

Two of my friends are getting married today. I’m the best man but I don’t feel that I should be. I’ve been so busy that other people have done everything. I’ve been really busy. I wish I could have done a better job of celebrating it. and writing speeches doesn’t come very easily to me.

I think a lot of the feelings lately have caused me to look at friendships more cynically. I see people I used to love, people who I felt loved me and I just feel nothing. I think I actually cringe a little when I see them. We’ve grown in separate directions but it doesn’t feel so sweet when our paths cross. Then there are people that I’ve known forever and it seems now, right as I’m leaving, I’m wondering why I haven’t spent more time w/ them.

No body ever knows how it ends for them; it would be so much easier. I wish I knew who I would marry, where I would live, what I’ll do for a living. I wonder if I’ll be happy and if I’ll love what I do. I hope I do. I hope I find my hole.

I just got back from kids camp this morning. That was a strange week.
Concerns about my future bubbled up. When kids ask questions it really makes you think. And I wish I could have explained it better or felt like what I said got thru. There was so much to tell some of them.
i always feel like they don’t really understand what they’re doing when they “accept Jesus” . we just pray w/ them w/o telling them what they’re doing it. it feels manipulative to me. I’d rather them know the real truth and reject it than to accept a misinterpretation.

I don’t think I know myself. I think I’m still trying to be what I think everyone wants me to be. I’m still trying to make people laugh. It doesn’t always work and I usually feel like a sore thumb.
if I were me, I’d be mean; or at least right now. I hate consequences. Thinking of other people can be a real nuisance some times.

My life changes in nine days forever. Forever is a long time. Especially when you throw out the key.

------

the wedding was awesome. i had fun. watching jon and jess say their vows really was good. i could tell how much they loved each other that day very well.
my speech went well i thought, it was short and i got choked up a bit. dancing w/ sara was a lot of fun too. we're both so white that it doesn't matter.

things seem to have sorted out some in my head. i feel very good about everything. i'll still miss a lot of stuff. there are many things that will be hard to do w/o. and everybody has things they wonder what could have happened. but they didn't so, i'm moving on. i can pick up where i am now.

this week is full of packing, cleaning, and goodbyes.

pictures coming soon - i swear.
Ladderboy.

Take My World Apart.

i have taken care of everything i needed to for this trip.
i have an apartment.


it feels good to be finished. i'm actually excited about all of this too. i was worried, really worried. but i feel really good. i'm registered for classes, i have my I.D., my parking pass, i've paid. i even passed my math placement test so i don't have to take any "catch up" courses.
i'm taking Biology, a writing class, Psychology, and college algebra.
i feel this weight of...stress and anxiety dropping off of me.

tomorrow i will return home to finish my normal life. i will hate leaving a lot of things behind. i will miss my church and what i do there. i even miss target a little. but i know w/o a doubt i will miss my friends and even more my family. i think even being gone for this week i've realized how hard it will be for me to be that far away. i know i'll make it and i'm not worried about my relationship w/ them.
i've missed living at justin and jon's house to use their internet and watch scrubs. i've missed joking around w/ my mom and talking w/ my dad.
i've missed playing w/ joe and the band at youth.
but i'm ready for this change. i'm excited, i'm worried...i'm....everything i should be.