Awake On Dreams.

Whew. I can't quite sigh complete relief as Burrito Bros. Flying Youth Camp starts (for me) tomorrow. But so much of what has been on my plate for this past week is over and done with.

I played guitar tonight in front of people for the first time in at least six months. I can't believe that I don't do that more often as it is simply the most fulfilling thing I've done in my life. Oddly, it is mostly for me.

Compliments on my songwriting still amaze me. I can't believe that people enjoy something that I created. I try so hard to write good songs because I know that there is a lot of garbage out there. Music that either is great musically, great lyrically, one or the other, or both. And I want to write pieces that are both. I don't wanna be another person putting out worthless music. I want to be to someone what songwriters I look up to are to me. Inspiration.

I've recently stated my opinion on blogging. It's something that I had a knack for back in the day. I had something to say - at least I thought that I did. But I feel so empty right now; answerless. What I have to say isn't important or knowledgeable. It's just something I think for a brief moment. Maybe that's alright.

The new albums by Death Cab For Cutie and Coldplay have come out and both are great. Death Cabs is simply amazing. Benjamin Gibbard's lyrics cease to amaze and inspire me. The stories that he tells in three to five minutes  beautifully detail feelings of imperfection in human nature. They're so honest.

Coldplay's album is very good as well. There's something very different about it from their previous albums. I still haven't gotten to know it as well as DCFC's new one, but I'm enjoying it more and more.

Anyway, I'm up this late because I'm working on a video for camp. So I need to get to work.

The Old Familiar Things Are Mostly All Gone.

It's another hot day in Tennessee - too hot for my taste. So I spend my time inside meandering from one time killer to another. It's been a long time since my last post - not that I haven't tried. I'm accumulating a hefty collection of unpublished drafts on this thing. They don't make it past the initial moment of inspiration so they die in the process. maybe someday...

Mostly I feel that I've lost something within me. Maybe before, I thought that I had all of the answers so I could say all kinds of stuff, overflowing. But I realize that I don't know everything. And how many times can one person say that?

Today the last seasonal EP by Jon Foreman came out, logically named Summer. It's pretty good. They each have their moments. Fall is my favorite. Winter and Spring are both good too...it's too hard to decide.

______________________________

I'm currently done with classes. I had a class during May and another one in July, so I'm off for a few more weeks. My class in May was interesting. It was a history class but unlike I've ever experienced. It was this discussion based class how we interact with other people for the most part. The class self-segregated so that half of the  class was white and other half black, w/ a few of the other mixed in. It was interesting to say the least. race walls were torn down as we asked each other questions and laughed at our stereotypes. It was a harmonious world for the most part. once in awhile something would be said to get one person fired up, but it was always extinguished. It also served as an eye-opening class as I heard stories of how racism and prejudices are still alive today. It was a question-raising one as well. I had to examine what I believe to be true in many spots. Some of those answers are still floating around.

Growing Old: Static to Stagnant.

I'm tired. and I should be because it is 2:02 am. More than being tired, I should be studying for my exam that is at 10:20 am. This class should be taken seriously, which is less than how it is. But I'm tired of more than being awake. Actually that may be a good description of it.

I'm in a mood to listen to sad beautiful songs such as "The Temptation of Adam" by Josh Ritter, Eric Bachmann, Jon Foreman, or Denison Witmer. I don't want loud music.

I listen to Bachmann, Foreman, and Ritter's amazing story-like lyrics and I settle down into my mood. This is the mood that I would use to describe me. Maybe nostalgic isn't quite the right word. It's more of a feeling of just thinking. I imagine myself on a swing in late fall just looking over my life and reliving the stories that I've had. actually, I guess that is nostalgia. But it's not of my life - it's the life that I live thru these songs.

I don't see beauty like I used to. I miss photography and finding the beauty out of the brokenness of things. That always made me feel better.

This is an old picture that I came across today.

Cause nothing here ever changes

It's the same old thing everyday

Don't you know little birdie

You're the only one worth your weight

- Little Bird by Eric Bachmann

Way Back in the Shire.

Yesterday was a beautiful day for a bicycle ride. That actually went thru my head on my way home from class yesterday. I was listening to Nick Drake's album Pink Moon and riding slower than normal. There was no hurry. The wind washed over my face like cleansing rain.

_____________________

I'd been in one of routine funks lately. It may be a cause of being alone - after having been surrounded my people for a couple weeks and my roommate moving out. I spilled myself all over the floor - and it wasn't until after that cleansing that i finally felt motivated to pick myself back up.

I have to thank my bicycle for that. I took her for granted. She gave me the little bit of exercise I do, more money not being spent on gas, more time outside, and moments like the above. Sadly, it appears to be my last, as she was stolen from my patio last night. It's my fault for forgetting to lock her up, but I never expected someone to steal her. But if I never get her back, (which I highly doubt) then at least the last ride was memorable. Perhaps the thief will have a similar experience (or break their arm in an accident). I'd still like her back though.

______________________

One of my professors used the title phrase, or something resembling it, in class on Tuesday. Since then it's been in my head. I get this feeling of natural purity and innocence. Back to this time when things weren't corrupt. When you could walk barefoot in the yard or swim naked in the river. We no longer live in that world.

______________________

Today is a bit darker. I am out of my funk and intend on cleaning my apartment. The spilling out was not merely a metaphor. But I will do so while remembering my bicycle and remembering the shire.

Ramblin' Man.

So after narrowly escaping the grasp of a wicked cold, I am slowly climbing out of the pile of tissues. and i feel good. still congested, but good. i don't really have a lot going for me, but i'm very happy. i'm happy with sara, i'm happy with new music. i like my classes, i get to ride my bike on days like today.

today was beautiful. wasn't it? i think most everyone in the east had a good day today. not too cold, a nice breeze, a little overcast. i enjoyed it quite a lot. riding my bike today was rough tho. i think the wind the was blowing against me with all of it's might and it won. the wind is a jerk.

______________________

i've been ruined lately with this over abundance of new (mostly good) music lately. i love it tho. i don't think i could ever have enough of it. okay, here we go:

albums that i've gotten either by purchase or other undisclosed methods:

Nada Surf - lucky

Chris Walla - field manual

Jack Johnson - sleep through the static

Georgie James - Places

Menomena - Friend and Foe

a mish-mash of M. Ward

Coconut Records - Nighttiming

Juno: Official Soundtrack

and there's so much more that i just can't list cos it would be like deb's top 100 list. i can't stop. anyone that knows me knows that i have a problem. did you know that i have upwards of 400 CDs? well, i do. and that just what i find good enough to put into carrying cases. there's about 30 albums sitting on my floor that will not fit and at least 50 at home in a box because...well, let's just say i don't know what i was thinking.

____________________

i feel like i'm a rare breed these days. does anyone buy CDs anymore? i obviously do. there's something about supporting artists - first and foremost. and i definitely buy albums if i deem them necessary to my collection. so people that buy on iTunes or some other service like that - props.

and i will admit that i do download albums by other means. usually i'll download them to see if i like them, because as a college student who is already melting his money away, i need to make wise purchases. and everyone knows that there is a lot of just...not good music.

____________________

Something i keep hearing is that artists today do not make albums to sell as a whole album. in an iTunes world, or a 'singles' world, that is all that is made. people don't  buy the whole thing just the pieces they like. i think that's sad. there's just something about having a whole album. it's like a whole pie. as a kid i would always throw that card like 'if i can't have two then i don't want any." sometimes i feel that way with albums. that's not saying that if i do not like the whole album i wouldn't obtain (somehow) the songs i like. just, there's something sweeter about having a full album - and one that is good all the way thru.

and there's something about having that medium. the book and the art. it's a full experience. i see it like 'this artist has packaged their music with these pictures and this is how they want their music to be experienced.' i think that makes it more magical. although i will admit that it is harder to be pleased with the full experience anymore because everyone is not trying to sell albums - rather singles.

so to all of the artists that are selling the full pie, i thank you.

____________________

i feel compelled to mention this one album that is  coming out march  18th by a band "She and Him." it is (to my understanding) Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward. you may know Zooey from the movie Elf. she has quite a voice. she also appears on Jason Schwartzman's album (Coconut Records (which is smashing!)).

read about it and get a free song right here ->.

*and also Death Cab for Cutie's new album, Narrow Stairs, comes out May 22. oh yes.

____________________

so here are some videos that have been brought to my attention (mostly from Sara O'Brien):

first, some Juno promos featuring Jason Bateman and Michael Cera:

and now, meet Old Greg:

and i'll leave you with this. i'm not saying i support Barack Obama. i don't know yet who i support. but i think he's got something. enjoy:

Show Me The River.

Ya know, every time i write on here it seems that it's a depressing entry. i know it's true. i just started too. most times, i start and don't ever finish it because i feel so... frustrated and i can't figure out what I'm more upset about. and as i sit and think of how lonely i am and how empty i am...i realize that I'm not always lonely and empty. actually I'm usually pretty content.

there are things that could be better. i still don't have really any friends down here besides my sister. i don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything - I'm not growing as a musician (at  least i don't think so). but...I'm not that bad off.

____________________________

One thing that i really miss in my new life is friends. i can't seem to meet people who are real. i want people that i can talk with and get a little deep. i wanna be open. i think the lack of that is one of my biggest frustrations. i got some of that a couple weekends ago when i was at sara's college. i can always find that when i'm with her and whoever she surrounds herself with. once in a while i stumble across it with other people. adam will always be my number one. i just don't like floating around and being superficial.

 _____________________________

i suppose there are always good things going on in my life. it's so much easier to focus on the bad and what disappoints me. there's a lot of that. i feel like i gotta do something or i'm gonna die. i'm tired of waiting in line and folding. i'm afraid that i won't make it; that my dreams will turn out to be just that. there's so much i could be doing, so much i could be learning and i'm not. i feel like i'm wasting time and i don't enjoy it.

i think i'm ready for something more. maybe i haven't made it to the river yet, perhaps i'm jumping the gun. i just know that i'm not gonna fold. i gotta take a chance.

 _________________________

Sources of Joy:

* long underwear on cold days - makes biking bearable.

* Coconut Records.

* Benjamin Gibbard.

* the fact that Nada Surf's new album comes out next Tuesday.

* the sound of my fingers on a guitar.

* Seeing John Vanderslice in March.

 __________________________

i ripped my pants today.  blast.

The Midnight Oil is Running Low.

I'm in the final hours of finals. One more to go. Too bad it's the hardest one I'm going to have and also the one that I care the least about. The three that mattered...who knows how I did on them. But this one I could not care any less than I do right now.

I'm going home soon. Not sure how I feel about that. I love being home, but I don't miss it that much. I miss my parents but not much else. I'm thoroughly excited for the possibility of snow because the 60 degree weather of Tennessee is wrong for this time of year. I'm in the mood for cold. For those feelings that I mentioned before.

I'm not ready to drive 9 hours - that is for sure. and oddly enough, I've had an extreme lack of social contact while I've been here but I'm not even looking forward to the increase of that.

It's not beneath me to lie and say that I'm alright even when things are coming down.

You're a sight for sore eyes, like the morning sun burning bright.

__________________________________________________

Update:

I failed the exam and got a D- in the class. I passed!

Beginning To See The Light.

It feels like I've been hearing a lot about "finding your voice" as a songwriter and how there is a lot of disposable material in the music industry. I think I've become disillusioned with the glamour of rock n' roll and fallen for the meaningful and thoughtful music - the from the heart stuff. It's so much better.
I don't know a lot, but I think what I was told by a very intelligent man about Nashville was right.
I recently interviewed this man for a project and his responses were great. Maybe I'll post them later. in the meantime, read other interviews that are very....very insightful:
*http://www.colossiansthreesixteen.com/archives/1760
*http://www.colossiansthreesixteen.com/archives/1762

I saw David Bazan, formerly of Pedro the Lion the other night and he was talking about how Nashville is full of "Heartless Experts in an industry that doesn't need them" and I think I agree with him more and more as I watch and read things.
Relevant Magazine interviewed Bazan, read them here:
*http://www.relevantmagazine.com/pc_article.php?id=7263
*http://www.relevantmagazine.com/pc_article.php?id=7268
Another Interview w/ Bazan:
*http://hardtofindafriend.blogspot.com/2006/12/conversation-with-david-bazan.html

____________________
I think you have to start by viewing music as art and not only as entertainment. and when you do that you can see the wonderful things that people have done - even people you don't like. The art that they have given us is timeless.
When you look at Starry Night or Picasso are not amazed? When you listen to "Let it Be" are you not moved?
But I understand.

____________________
I want to find my voice. I think I am. It's harder than one would imagine. I mean, what do I think is important enough to sing about? Right now it isn't much.
I know that my voice is not happy. my voice is aching and regretful. Nostalgic and wanting nothing to do with the future it knows nothing about.

____________________
I've been to many shows since I've been here: Modest Mouse, Ben Kweller, Nada Surf, Spoon, Josh Ritter, They Might Be Giants, David Bazan. They were all amazing.
I have pictures...my computer isn't wanting to deal with them right now though. soon...I will have some good ones up.

____________________
Now go and listen to The Velvet Underground.
or
Visit this site for some Christmas tunes:
*http://hardtofindafriend.blogspot.com/2007/11/merry-christmas-yes-really.html

Are We On a Pilgrimage?

I just finished Don Miller's Through Painted Deserts. Miller is an amazing writer. I'm not a big reader, it's not my thing. but when I find someone that can speak to me thru writing I enjoy it very much. There are times when I read him I feel like he's looking thru me and writing what's in my heart and mind.

Looking back, I can't quite figure out what it was that dragged me along with Don and Paul thru those painted deserts. Like their journey, it started out randomly and probably wouldn't go anywhere. But it did.

We are all on a journey thru life - it never ends. We're always growing and learning and experiencing. Life is a gift. Figuring out what to do with that gift is a monster that looms over every teenager and young adult. You can ignore it, sure, but it's still there. And one day you're done with college or tired of working in a grocery store and you realize that it's time to do something. Maybe not even for yourself, but because everyone expects you to. It's a scary thing. But life is a gift. And gifts should be enjoyed. It's magnificent, it's beautiful.

Yesterday I gutted a pomegranate, the first I've done on my own. I thank my dad for introducing me to them a few years ago. At first I was disgusted by the looks of it. They are one of those things that freaks you out and makes you wonder why in the world God would make a fruit like that. But then you really think about it and realize that God did make that. He designed it and I can picture him sitting at a table drawing up plans for it. What an imagination He has. And this world...this universe that we are in is full of objects and places just like pomegranates - things that you or I could never think of, that we could never design.
Someday I'll tell my children about pomegranates.

Due to an ill bike, I've taken to driving to my classes. It's easier so I haven't really tried to fix my bike seat. I'm wanting to more and more each day, alas, I do not. Still, once i fight for a spot and park I always don my headphones and iPod and listen to music as I walk.
I'm not sure what it is, maybe thinking back about Miller's thoughts or just the words and music in my head, but I'm growing to love life and where I am. I may not have many friends but perhaps growing in my ideas and personal identity is more important now.

I just want to be happy. I want to say at the end of my life that I have done what has made me happy. I want to say that I have enjoyed what I've had and made the most of it and not been bogged down my an idea of happiness that is portrayed thru media as the perfect American life that will never be accomplished.
I know what I think will make me happy. I know my passions and that I could not live without music. Realizing that God has a plan is hard to do. To hand this gift, the gift that He gave, back to him and say I can't handle this as if it's fine china is difficult. Because I want to hold onto it and not let anyone touch it but myself. Even though I know it is more likely that I will mess it up Than Him. Once it's back in his hands that monster doesn't look so big.

*********************************
Current Listens:
A Fine Frenzy
Eric Bachmann
Bill Mallonee
Josh Ritter
Sea Wolf
Elliott Smith
George Winston

Look Alive.

i'm hit w/ a dose of nostalgia like a train at 11 PM. it's strange. sometimes nostalgia is fun. you get a little hopefully, wishful, depressed, like walking thru leaves on a fall day with a scarf draped across your chest.
that's how i think of nostalgia. maybe that's why i love fall, or nostalgia.
oh oh - and hot tea and music.

i've written a new song. i like it pretty well. i think i like my songs. but there's more that i wish i could write. actually i just wish i wrote more than a song every couple months. i'm not a focused songwriter i guess. perhaps it's too much Lego Star Wars (the most addicting game in the world, right after Animal Crossing).
but i have kept my habit of being open to new music. my good friend Mike Gum has given me quite a bit of stuff. i haven't listened to all of it.
a few albums i've come to love:

Beck's Sea Change
More Elliott Smith, Pedro the Lion
Band of Horses
Iron & Wine's new album Shepherd's Dog
Radiohead's new release In Rainbows
Nada Surf has a new song out that is awesome. want to hear it? See These Bones.

i've really been feeling like getting out of my apartment and meeting people and doing something and playing my music. it's just what i want. i think it's what's missing.



I'm Impressed.


The Long Grift.

A Lonely Heart.

I told someone just today that I was feeling uninspired and that was my cause of absence. That is still true. But I've decided to go ahead anyway. It's due time.

I'm in a new place now. Murfreesboro, TN. that's right. After a week of classes I foresee this semester as being a long one. I won't lie, it's been lonely. Scrubs has been the only thing to keep me alive. that and the feeling of wind on my face and Matthew Caws in my ears as I ride my bike to classes. (I've also somewhat enjoyed the freedom of walking around in my underwear and eating all day.)

I'm not outgoing in settings such as this and that is the problem. I've held a lot in lately. Maybe that's why she wanted me to write; she knew I'd spill some information that otherwise would have died inside me.

Ending another night with a turkey sandwich and falling asleep to scrubs, I hopped online and found my way to The Dodos' website. I saw a little bird in the bottom corner and proceeded to click it. from there I found the developer (I can only imagine) and found a string of other sites in which i found two that intrigued me.

Nicole Hayden
Folkstar - Too Fast & Too Far Away

Songs and Pictures (that I'll leave you to find for yourself) on each were what captured me and still hold me.

Sometimes the thing that one needs to get out of a pit of despair is just knowing that someone else is there.


a bit of sunshine.

Who Do You Think You Are Mr. Big Stuff?

This is a comment that i left on myspace regarding a book titled God Is Not Great.
i realized that it will quickly be buried and not read so i'm posting it here.


*******
i just wanted to use that title - that's all.

BUT...
i think what is sad is that "religions" do get in the way of things. but Christianity is not about that at all. sure it happens thru all of the red tape and everything WE'VE made.
Christianity is about love - and i think some of us commenting on this are forgetting that.

i think a lot Christians in the States have forgotten that. Jesus hung out with prostitutes, the poor, thieves, and the sick. he was with everyone that the religious leaders said to get away from.
the way that Christianity should continue is to love each other - and not tell people to "say hello to satan on your way to hell" and "fuck off" because he wrote a book that you don't like.

i haven't read the book so i can only go off of the reviews and excerpts i've read, but it sounds like the author is talking about more of the crazy groups in Christianity like Westboro Baptist Church who shows up at everything w/ signs. and They are wrong.
God is not racist, or hates homosexuals - and he most certainly doesn't like to see people killed in natural disasters - and neither does any good hearted human being who thinks life is precious.

but religion is a choice - it's a freedom we have. and every religion has books about another.
and if people already don't like christians - isn't yelling and cussing at someone who has a right to write a book that you don't agree w/ gonna make US look worse?
i think we're all tired of our yelling and screaming (which at times may be necessary) but if we show people how truly GREAT GOD IS then that would be better. i think so.

i feel that i must say that this book does upset me, because it is about my God and my Jesus. and i know that they are great - even if i don't treat them that way all of the time.


*******
so after i read more comments on the page i stumbled upon haphazardly, i realized that there is such a misunderstanding by a lot of people about the Bible and why people follow Jesus. it's because they've found something.

it's sad how against it some people are. especially at that age. they've already been turned off to Jesus - why? was it our fault?


*******
Steam JV's new album,"Emerald City," here!

I'm Not Trying To Change The World.

i don't know what to do with this thing. i rarely post on it because i rarely have anything to say anymore. or it feels like the same old rants that are only empty words and mostly uninformed ideas.
i guess i like that though and there is still comfort to be found here. i almost feel pressured to say something witty or try and change the world because i do not want to get on here and tell what i ate for breakfast (which just so happens to have been an egg).

so things have been going on in my life mostly below the surface and nothing major. i thinking i've closed a lot and opened a bit.
i've kind of run around a lot without moving. figure that one out. i've thought of who i am and who i'm going to be, what a want and who i want. and i've come around almost right back where i started at. i'm happy for the first time in a while. i feel good about things. i can always find things i need in movies and music and i've found what i needed i suppose.


i'm frustrated w/ politics and religion and becoming a lazy peace advocate. not to say i'm against the war because honestly i'm very unintelligent regarding that topic. but i don't see peace as a bad thing. and oddly enough i don't think it will ever happen (just as i don't believe the environment will ever be saved - no matter what we do to prevent this faux-phenomenon known only as global warming).
i strongly believe that the world is a terminally ill planet. but that is not to say that we can't...make it more comfortable. catch the drift?

John Lennon's song "imagine" has really opened a thought to me. perhaps it's because i love songs that suggest something so pure and perfect yet impossible. the world will never be a purely peaceful place but why not try? i think it's worth it. why shouldn't everyone be happy?

i wish we could all open up and enjoy things for what they are. rather it's independent films, musicals, abstract art, a run down building, heavy metal music, sushi, democrats, rainy days, and so much more. we can learn something from everything.








**Check It Out**
Laura Veirs and here!
Autumn De Wilde
my New Songs!



you may say i'm a dreamer, but i'm not the only one.
i hope someday you will join us and world will be as one.

The Horn.

I've traveled the east and played w/ bill mallonee since the last update. well, not w/ him...for him. but anyway....

I've been down to Murfreesboro to check out my college. of course, no college has everything together and screws up at least 34 times w/ each student. all of mine hit this weekend. but, it doesn't matter. i can' wait to be down there. it seemed nice - i think i'll love my new home.

last night - the bill mallonee - show was awesome. very relaxing and informative as he told stories of vincent van gogh and war vets.
i did play a few songs to open and they are now up on myspace. if you didn't come - you missed out.


Records to Look out for:

Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
Rocky Votolato - The Brag and Cuss
They Might Be Giants - The Else
St. Vincent - Marry Me
John Vanderslice - Emerald City
The New Pornographers - Challengers

We Slept on Couches.

i woke up for work today and once i popped Coldplay's Parachutes album in the CD player and hopped in the shower i remembered my odd dream. Ben Folds and I were living together making music. he played drums and i played guitar (which is a little off since he's amazing at piano). it was a nice dream. i remember he flew away in an airplane at the end of it. and he does live in Nashville...

i guess that's what i get for falling asleep to Rockin' the Suburbs...

today feels like it will be a good day.

So What Did You Do Today?

After first realizing that I start a lot of sentences w/ the word “so” I start my entry for the 2nd time…
Today started around 10:45 as I awoke and headed downstairs. I learned two very important things: one of which doesn’t concern you and the other being that we lacked the amount of milk needed to accompany the bowl of Cocoa Krispies that I had just poured. I compromised on a smaller bowl and headed for the television. There, the masterpiece known as Scrubs entertained me with reruns I’ve seen a hundred too many times.
After that the day turned quickly to a day filled with music. After talking Bill Mallonee (an artist who is becoming more of an inspiration day by day) w/ my dad and burning a copy of his latest release – Permafrost (which dad received today and pricked both of our ears), I headed to my room to listen to him. That quickly turned to more music intake.
(and how could I fail to mention that Bill will be in Lost Creek, WV on June 17th?)

Then I found the eight back orders of Paste Magazine (the best music magazine in the world) that I had ordered setting on the porch. So of course I had to rip into that. I ordered them because they contain some of my favorite artists by articles, featured on the sampler CD or DVD or reviews. Artists such as: Ben Folds, Arcade Fire, Sufjan Stevens, The New Pornographers, Iron & Wine, Bright Eyes, Death Cab for Cutie, John Vanderslice, The Decemberists, The Postal Service, Rilo Kiley, Neko Case, Denison Witmer, Beulah, and countless others I haven’t found yet.

The videos of Bright Eyes (The Bottom of Everything), Rilo Kiley (It's a Hit), and The Postal Service (We Will Become Silhouettes) were especially nice.
But I was quite disappointed by the less than fair review of John Vanderslice’s last release, Pixel Revolt.
(Read about his upcoming release HERE.)

So now I’m sitting listening to T.W. Walsh formerly of Pedro The Lion’s new project, The Soft Drugs and loving it.
I recently saw the other part of Pedro the Lion, David Bazan on tour with Benjamin Gibbard of Death Cab and one of my new favorites, Johnathan Rice. I don’t think I need to go into too much detail of that show to express how amazing it was. So I will say simply that – it was amazing.

So how could I do anything else today…today, a day that has been filled w/ inspiring things, than to play work on music or simply enjoy the day? It is a beautiful day after all.

I guess that’s all I had to say…which isn’t much at all.

For anyone that's human - Clearification.

Stretching Out To Reach The Sun.

I feel this need for interaction right now. but i know that i must dive deeper into my seclusion and work on my speech that i must give tomorrow. have you ever felt like just saying, "forget it! i ain't doing that!"? well...today that is me.
i'd rather sit here and listen to aqueduct or bright eyes or the snake the cross the crown or sufjan stevens or john vanderslice.
better yet, i'd rather get out of my house. i'm getting fat.

i'll slowly be putting up more videos from concerts i've been too.
here's a short video of JV and his mom:


i want to be outside. i want to play guitar.

tomorrow night is Fluke's first public performance in over a year. we're playing at Fairmont State's Battle of the Bands.
it is at 8PM in the Turley Center Ballroom. it costs $2. there's my plug.
we haven't practiced for awhile either, which leads to the 2nd source of stress/frustration. i think we'll do fine - i hope we win.

i am tired of faking living. i hope to truly live someday.

here's some lyrics to a song i wrote. it's called "Snow"; it's about dreaming.


It seems life is flying by at light speed
Everything good has passed me by the time I turn around
And I need a plan to slow it down

But in reality
Life’s not always easy
It’s nothing like TV
You can’t turn it off

I just wanna keep on sleeping
Sometimes I wish I were dreaming
But I’m pinned down in my problems
The truth is I’m tired of living

Dreams come true? I always heard
That the grass is greener, but only when the sun is shining
And snow is falling while I doze off at the wheel

I need a plan to stay awake as long as I can
Cos when I sleep I don’t dream anymore
That is until you melted the snow and opened my eyes

Let’s face reality
Life’s not that easy
But dreaming won’t make you happy
You’ve gotta make it happen

How could you just be sleeping?
Don’t you wish sometimes you were dreaming?
If only I had that problem
Cos I’m tired of faking living

There’s a great big world outside
Don’t spend all the time in your mind
Go be what you want to be
And stop living in reverie

How Quivering & Fierce We Were.

well, i played bass guitar for John Vanderslice this past weekend. I'm not sure that there's much more to say about it.
it was really really cool - i played on the song "My Old Flame."
JV said that he got a lot of responses about me - that were good.



i felt pretty good about it too. i had stood thru the entire set of St. Vincent and JV's first half until the time of "Dear Sarah Shu" when he gave me nod from the stage to tell me i was next. i went off to the bathroom to quell my manifestation of anxiety. my hands shook wildly as i washed my hands in the cold water. the bathroom had posters and stickers of bands that had or had yet to come.
i stepped out and meandered up to the stage. the song seemed to go a lot more quickly than i thought it should have. i was only standing up front long enough to take in a couple deep breaths before he said my name and asked me to come up.
as soon as he did, i dropped all the notions of doing badly or looking stupid. i realized that i was about to play bass with one of my favorite artists.

it was another reminder of what i want to do. i felt so at peace on stage. i wasn't nervous about being in front of people (except for JV). it was great.

another reminder was friday night when i played guitar for sara's friends as we sat on the porch late into the night. people liking my music was encouraging.

i can't wait to go to Tennessee.

The video.

I'm a Bad Best Friend.

right now i have this feeling that i hate. it seems to come up from time to time (more rare anymore) where i cannot remember what i wanted to write about. on the way to panera bread this morning...around noon, for the bbfyc meeting i had an idea going thru my head. and now, when i feel like writing - i can't remember.
everyone has a time when they need to vent. i'm not sure why i choose to do it here rather than where no one will see it. perhaps it's because i think that my opinion is worth hearing. i supposedly have that right. and i'm not making you read this. we all see thing we'd like to change and we've all had times when we feel that we cannot say them. i feel like saying them. so, as it comes...

i feel like don miller as he talks about living with hippies and feeling real, unconditional love by them - more so than w/ his christian friends.
i talked to my friend justin about this and he knew what i meant. there was a time when we had that and i remember when we lost it. unshared feelings and jealous rage. people were hurt and it ended. a few of us tried to keep it going but no one else was into it. too many of us have been burned and have drawn back into our caves. sticks are shaken and people chased off.
i want people i can trust. i want a friend i can just lie w/ in the grass and talk to. i hate everything feeling so business-like.
sometimes i come home and just want to scream because i don't understand why people can be so arragant and self-absorbed. i wish people could get over themselves and stop complaining because they have to do something that they have to do. it's just not fun anymore. drama surrounds us.

i've missed north carolina more and more. it's funny actually. when i lived there it was pretty unenjoyable. it was a very awkward time for me. i felt completely alone except for sara. she's fine and all - she's more than fine. but i needed more. i expected to have all of these people and whenever i called they weren't home.
but when i visit, it is wonderful. i see everybody or at least the majority, and we sit in the grass and talk. we may disagree in our political and religous views but we can get deeper than that. we all have something in common there is a genuine care between those kids.
on a side note:
i think that's my beef w/ christians. so many just see things at face value. so many people look at something and judge it in one second. they don't look to see the point of it. they don't even look to see what they could do to improve it. christians want everything to be perfect and it's not. i'm fed up w/ christian music so much that i would flat say i hate it. there are always exceptions, but they've all broken up or moved more mainstream. i feel like there is no sense of artistic creativity in the christian community and that is why i do not like it. if what we have is so wonderful and holy then why aren't we making the most beautiful art? i don't understand it and i'm not seeing it.
there's a loss of humanity anymore. feeling compassion and wanting to do something about it is so rare anymore. even if it goes against your political range, why can't you understand and actually see what's happening? why are some issues even political? Jesus' whole thing was love and here we are just not caring. i wish i were more into helping people.


we don't just talk anymore. i don't know what's on your mind and on your heart. sometimes if i try and ask you make me feel dumb. i'm not that upset about moving come fall. part of me can't wait to start over. i don't want to be stuck in this small town eating at the same restuarant for years to come. i hope i'm gone and doing what i want - and i hope you are too.


personally, i wish i were a better person. i know i could be. i could care more and be more dependable. i could do my homework before the night it's due. i could spend less time watching television and go outside. i could make a difference, i know. i wonder what people think about me. could someone i know write an entry about things i do? probably.

Good News & Even Better News.

I've finally accepted the version of a song i had called "beg your pardon." it took awhile to get it edited so that i liked it. i'm not sure if i've succeeded completely, but i wanted to get it out there. SO, check out my myspace to hear it.

and now for the "even better"
If any of you keep up w/ John Vanderslice then you will have noticed that on his current tour, he has asked for people to play w/ him. so...on my 21st birthday (april 26th) i will be playing bass w/ him @ the Local 506 in Carrboro, NC. i'm playing on "me and my 424" & "my old flame." i can hardly believe it and half expect to show up and it be a complete lie. or maybe i'm in an episode of Newhart...